Muppets Take Masculinity

OK, since we all know how amazing this last episode was (and by amazing I mean staring at the drool on my pillow from when I fell asleep and studying it like cloud formations was more titillating than the show) it’s taken me days to find my way back to the yellow brick road.

The show starts off with a breaking news report! as if filming the Bachelorette in Charlotte was as news worthy as when Bin Laden was “killed”.

“  ”

We won’t go there. This is a kid’s show after all.

First scene shows Emily sitting around with her friends at a park discussing the excitement that’s about to unfold.

Excitement?

I felt like being positive.

What’s important to note here is that we clearly have a case of BDS - bridesmaid dress syndrome. Nice to know that Emily was able to scope out the fugiest (I know its mean, but when I’m nice you don’t read) of friends to make herself look good even better.

Pssst someone’s secretly a beeeeyaaatch….

First date card goes to Ryan.

Diagnosis: definitely a douche.

Words of wisdom from his Pastor, “If you treat a woman like a queen they will treat you like a king.” Did your Pastor also say that you will get crazy mad bj’s that way too?
Just wondering.

So the date is amazing, they’re crusin’ in a DeLorean to the Jersey Shore. Actually no, that would have been epic. Even better, they’re unpacking groceries and baking cookies. At least they could have thrown in an apple pie, so his balls wouldn’t have turned 50 shades of blue.

Let’s face it. He’s thrilled.

 “I think it’s too early to tell how Ryan would treat me in a marriage.”

Aaaaaannnd just out of curiosity what makes you say that?

?

?

…..

?

Side note: Barbie is still pretty, but waiting for personality to come out.  I believe in miracles. I am blogging about this episode after all.

Group date. 
Wait for it…
....welcome to the Muppet show!

WTF

I realize she has a daughter, but NO ONE wants to watch Romper Room at 9:00 at night…on a MONDAY. Give us some good ole’ American white trash making out. Admit it; most of you know you aren’t getting any from your spouse’s anyway, why else would you agree to kill your brain cells for 2 hrs a week? Don’t get defensive, I’m here for you.

Anyway, if we must deal with these green things….I think there’s some major foreshadowing going on here. The truth of the matter is we all know that by the end of the show she’s gonna have her hand up one guy’s ass controlling him too. Kermie you’re not the only one that’s gonna be whipped.

Soooo, Charlie can’t talk. Good to know. That actually makes them extremely compatible.

Curtains open and Marilyn Monroe makes her debut. And now we officially know why she didn’t go on Dancing with the Stars. Note to readers: Babbet has nice lips, nice frozen face, maybe nice tata’s (still yet to be determined), however, she no talkie and cannot dance. Better yet, let me rephrase that. She dances like a white girl that ran out of Pepto Bismol and couldn’t wait to get to a bathroom.

And the ultimate blue ball comment of the night. “I was a proud mama to see the guys go out there and….”

Let me repeat: never again use these two (very very not sexy and non user friendly in this environment) words.

Rhymes with loud llama.

“proud mama”

eeeeek

Not exactly what you want to hear from your “future wife”.

Let’s get real for a second. Even if a guy loves kids, that doesn’t mean he wants to be on a dating show that was attacked by Sesame Street…unless it turns into one of those Japanese porn cartoon things but in that case he definitely does not deserve a rose. Just directions to the nearest therapist.

Please hold while I get my coloring book and draw a big SOS sign.

And now they’re singing, Rainbow Connection? She definitely just turned into a lesbian.

Best lie of the evening: “Singing with the Muppets doesn’t get any better than that”

Pardon me eligible bachelor, excuse my French, let me say this eloquently…. le you’re full of shite. (accent over the e please).

If she was ugly you’d be hitchhiking your way out of North Carolina even if Charles Manson was the driver.

Good news is I found a picture Emily's Muppet doppelganger.

(Thrilled to know they're even giving lip injections to Muppets these days. How "PC")

Evening group date.

Rated NC-17. (State Slogan: Welcome to North Carolina, where we date like we’re 17)

Observations: She likes Jef.
I think she has a crush on him because he looks like a 13 year old and is missing an F.

FFFFFFFF+ck?

Yup, he gets a rose. We all know she just really wants more children.

One on One Date with Joe

Destination: Hometown of West Virginia.

Ahhh, it all makes sense now. She never had any teeth hence the mouth guard she’s wearing.

So we go from being in elementary school to being interviewed for an internship.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

“Happy”.

Hmmm, with one P or two?  And do you spell your name like JeF?

Wait, they’re writing vows now? Clearly he didn’t take lessons from Courtney and Carrie Bradshaw because he does not get a rose.

But no need to worry because the interview process ended just as formally as it started.

 “I get it, we can part ways now”

“Thank you, this was a great opportunity”

Emily don’t cry, you have 25 other little boys waiting for you to change their diapers. Things can only go up from here. Especially with the Muppets as an aphrodisiac.

Cocktail party highlights

Ryan writes her a letter…in the form of a scroll. How Macbeth of him. Stay tuned for next week when he gives her a scrapbook from his new Meetup group.

Meanwhile if you could be a fly on the wall. Ohhhhh, hi Tony didn’t see you there.

“I have a rule, if you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you’re a dude, you’re a….”

Yes, I have that rule too, and it usually means you’re my cabana boy and get to carry my luggage.

Roses

Is this where Chris mentions most boring episode ever?

Kowloon and his luxury attitude

Arie. Vrmmmmmmmm (sorry, entertaining myself here)

Michael

Nate – who?

Sean

Chris

Doug (Yes please)

Travis

Tony 

John

Allesandro – does he still want her to speak Spanish in Brazil?

Charlie - at least he was able to say yes.

Alejandro – or is he from Brazil? Si o no?

Stevie - only because he just sponsored an orphan to become a dad. Or was that Tony? They confuse me for some reason. Sorry guys, it’s not you…it’s me.

So we say bye bye to Clark Kent and Kyle. It was nice not knowing you both.

.....And their thoughts for the evening.

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it...

All I want to know is did we just see a clip of the egg breaking?

Mazel tov!!!

My final thoughts on this G rated episode. Where was Rated R when we needed him most?

“Put on your big girl panties and move on with it”…so you’re saying my skanky leopard G-string is not gonna win my hubby over, huh?

Alright she’s back. We knew this was gonna happen at some point. Let’s get one thing straight. We all agree that she’s hot. Yes, my face would look like that too if I drank botox every morning as well but I’m a realist and depend on Ames to give me a facial as he flutters around my house with his silly grin on. (Sarah, sorry to bash your man).

But besides the hotness I’m still waiting for her to find her personality. I mean she is so sweet, yes. But how much of that is just an act because she’s 26 and is still discovering who she really is? Ummm hello, I know…I’m sometimes wicked smaaat like Dr. Phil. Don’t hate me because I'm naturally beautiful (meaning my teeth are real) and have a personality oh and because I don’t drink the kool-aid...but mainly because I can't find it yet.

Before I really begin I would like to welcome her newly plumped lips to the show. Thank you for joining us. I hope they come with a warranty because they're gonna have a lot of wear and tear by the time they're done emasculating the men just like with Brady baby.

And I don’t know if our little Rickie? Ricky? (who knows) is the inspiration or what but now whenever I see Emily I can’t get a certain commercial out of my head….however instead of Ovaltine all I can think of is …..more restylane pleeeeaaassseee.

xoxo

I will first start of with 2 shocking and dramatic things that have already occurred this season. First we have a honorary black man in the house. No pun intended. (I kid, settle down). And we have a race car driver. Way to go for the jugular while you’re at it. But he’s hot, so we will keep him around and watch her call him Ricky…just once…ok I bet at least twice. But I won’t lie, I like where this show is going. Maybe soon they will have me on as the Medium and I will talk to Ricky for Emily….I can totally incorporate that into my blogging too. The possibilities are endless.

 Where were we?

 That was random. But then again you’re used to that by now.

I’ve realized the Bachelor/Bachelorette and Facebook have a lot in common and that is, all of the above have nothing to do with reality. On Facebook everyone is living the “f’ing” dream. Their life is SO perfect and wonderful and in Bachelor land it’s the ONLY place (apparently) where so many men are dying to get married AND be with a single mother. Yeah like that happens all the time. “Hey ladies, single, attractive, wealthy male here ONLY looking for baby mamma drama." Yup. Welcome to reality at its finest.

So for the first time in “Bachelorette history” (echo: bachelorette history) she gets to live at home. How nice. But that’s not what I’m talking about.

What I did notice is how when they showed her getting ready and putting on her makeup she literally was like a Disney princess sitting there in her padded makeup chair with blush brush in hand and applying it to her already blushifed (my new word) cheeks. Really? Is that actually a glimpse of her daily morning routine…with a kid? Because I don’t even have a child and let me tell you how my morning goes…slam down alarm and jump out of bed after realizing I’ve been snoozing for 1 hr. Yes, 1 hour. Holy shit. Then as I’m “applying my blush” I am not sitting in my make up chair, I’m literally running throughout my house looking for anything to wear and cursing that I didn’t pick up my work clothes yet from the cleaners. (side note: they are not responsible for anything left after 90 days…translation: I see a shopping trip in my future). Meanwhile I’m shoveling a bagel in my mouth. Wait, no way, too many carbs. I’m shoving a banana in my mouth (you have such a dirty mind) while I’m texting my boss that I’m going to be late due to “traffic” …in…LA….ummm….never mind. Used that one before. Point being, I wish I was as graceful as our dear Princess Emily appears to be in the morning because even with a child she’s got mad skills. Props to you Cinderella, I’m more like your wicked step sister after a night of partying. Classy, I know.

 Back to the show.

I know we’re into the whole southern thing this year but that doesn’t mean she needed to knock off Britney Spears outfit from the 2000 American Music Awards. They’re twins. Why that sticks out in my head 12 years later I have no idea. I may need professional help.

Too many men, too little time.

But a few did jump out at me. Meanwhile I would have preferred Doug to jump on me but beggars can’t be choosers. And yes, based on Chris Harrison’s recent announcement I was actually waiting for him to come out of one of the limos. How awesome would that have been? “Hey blondie, you come here often?”

So let’s see…guy on skateboard. Hmmm, Emily already has a child. She’s not looking for another. Oh, enter our friend and honorary black man. Someone must have not told him they were filming in the south. (Oh please, as if you weren’t thinking it yourself). Whatever, I’m spiritual, I love everyone. But I’m here to write what YOU won’t. Now leave me alone. I have more people to bash.

Umm, in the meantime just keep saying Gracias to the guy from Brazil. We will now always wonder if you’re a real blonde. Yes. We. Will.

What’s up with “Prince Charming ?” Yeah, please keep holding that pillow right over your schlong like you’re reenacting "dick in a box".  JT has nothing on you.

Side note: Men with kids really do it for me for some reason, strange I know. But hello Dougie. Come home to mama! (Again, I’m strange. You knew this).

The grandma shtick…Yeah that went over well.

That was weird.

So am I.

But at least I’m funny.

Next subject.

Can we talk about the song writer. He’s pretty talented and we know it’s true because his whole song contained only one word - “Emily”.

Amazing. He’s going places and I hope to not be at any of them.

Dear Mr. John Wolf. Please listen and listen closely. The whole “Wolf” thing is funny, if you’re a male and in a fraternity. No woman wants to call their man by:
1) their last name
2) an animal..unless it’s pooh bear or cuddle bug.

“Wolf” is a GUY thing. You clearly have a lot to learn about women. Go back to your hunting ground and read some books. Read: Emily needs a man, not a wolf. She already poked the bear last season. And clearly that went over well.

The whole egg thing? Not sure about that. Did he just see Ovo?

Oh but there’s more..."Coming into this I was scared that you guys wouldn't be into me.”

Oh please “Emilia” They were all humping the TV when they saw you the first time. And they’re all about to pre-cum in their brand new Men's Wearhouse suits (sans the “luxury brand consultant”). You’re fine Vanna White, you’re fine.



Roses go to:


First rose goes to my man Doug. Ok I take it back, she does have a brain. It's just partly frozen from her morning OJ.

Defrost baby, defrost.


Chris - he has potential
Ryan – you can tell she’s into him. But he kinda creeps me out. Not sure why yet.tbc.
Helicopter man..boy..man…child..not sure
Arie – race car driver (awkward but his face makes up for it)
Charlie and his linen suit
Jeff
Nate
Shawn – have an interesting feeling about this one, again. tbc.
Joe
Kyle
Alejandro
Someone I missed
John
Alessandro - Gracias. From Brazil
Michael – but mainly because she wants to know what shampoo makes your hair bounce like that.
Stevie – Green leprechaun. Shocker. He’ll be gone soon. Oops.
Tony - OY! The charming man. There must be a recession going on.
Travis and his egg. Yup, that’s gonna get old. Fast. Give it to me please. Mine are already dried up. Thanks.

And the sexy black man goes home. But he’s hot and lives in LA. Call me.

Umm man with SIX kids. Goes home. Surprise? No not really.

But WTF! I seriously thought he was joking.

That’s all for now, until the next time when Emila drops the F bomb...and maybe in Spaniguese.

Can’t wait for her to go bat shit on these guys. God I love trashy TV. I can feel it lowering my vibration right now. Good times.

 PS- Hi Brad, I hope you enjoyed the show…and sharpening your knives. Poke poke, you silly bear you.

For a limited time only......

Ok, so I admit I was sick of reading really lame Bachelor blogs and I felt that it was/is my karmic (heavy stuff) responsibility as a loyal Bachelor fan to recap the real story of what happened. And this goes out to all 5 of you who begged and pleaded me to blog. Trager sisters unite!

Oh no, does this mean I’m Jenna?

Once again my blog will come and it will go, you/I will never know when I may post another one, BUT I can assure you I will try harder than Courtney faking her interest in Ben.

Really? That’s all I got? I must be a little rusty.

Here goes nothing…and I mean nothing….

Hold on tight. Not that tight you may pop all these implants. Flotation devices activated. Engines running and Benny Boy is up and ready to go.
Up?

(That’s what she said)

We begin with Ben talking to the camera about 18 beautiful women coming to Sonoma. Yes the town is now filled and reaching max capacity at 22.

Go tourism!

Where was I?

“I wonder what my father would say to me at a time like this?”

Umm 2 words.

Trojan maaaan!

In all seriousness (because this is seriously, serious stuff. Sssssssss. Sally sells sea shells at the Sea Shore. What?) Was that really his house or a day spa? Sign me up. I need a facial. Any kind at this point will do.

First date with Kacie B.
(and yes please refer to her like B is her last name). Benny thinks so. Shhhh.

“This could be the first date of the guy I’m gonna marry” Ok now we know Kacie B is a gonner. Kiss of death riiiiiigghht about now.

“This is my home; this is probably where I’m gonna live the rest of my life.”

Translation: ladylover, if we be shacking up, you be packing your bags ‘cause I’m not going anywhere. You come to me. Ben want food. Ben want sex. Ben want woman in kitchen making his food.

“Ben brings out things in me that I haven’t been in touch with in a long time” Hmm Kacie B you mean like that penis that you have tucked away? Oh I hope not, but that would really be a good twist in the story. Wait is this a story? Yes, it’s a real life romantic story of 2 people falling in love in Bachelorville (nearest cross streets: desperado ave. and gag me blvd.) and living happy ever after.

..Just like Kim K. and that tall, overgrown baby who walked down the aisle with her.

Next.

This one time at band camp…..

Wait, do people ACTUALLY do that?? I thought baton twirling was just stuff they did on the Brady Bunch. Well, what do I know? I still think Ben is in love with forehead girl. I mean, he said he loved her. And it was 5 weeks and all.

Deep.

Continue scene: Ben (wanting to kill himself) twirls baton down the street. Oh, he is so using this as payday when the opportunity arises.

Ben thinks to himself hmm..maybe she can twirl my wee-wee like she can twirl that baton?

Handy j’s coming to a theater near Ben. Get your shake weight ready Kacie B. and start training for opening night.

Payback is a beeeatch.

According to Kacie B. everything is romantic. Does that include your side burns?

Side note: Kacie B. you are pretty cute but we gottsta laser those sideburns on you honey b. I can almost slide down them like Rapunzel. Find a Groupon if you must, just remove them immediately if you want me to be nice to you. And I think I like you more than the others so do yourself a favor please.

Favor quote of the night:
Ben to Kacie B.: “I need to see the south..the real south”
Ben: No, I didn’t mean your va-jay..but yes that too!

Most bs quote of the night:
“I can see you here, I can see you in Sonoma”

Oy vey Ben keep the mouth shut. Kacie Beeeeeee, he’s drunk, horny and on TV, shits gonna come out of his mouth. (psst. He says that to every girl, even the ones at the elementary school)

Most 24 year oldish quote of the night:
“I think I have found what could be a lifetime of love with Ben.”

Oh, remember the days when we were all that naive. Ahhh, yes. Yesterday was a good day.


Group date = lots of girls playing with Ben.

When did Sister Wives make a spin off?? …with non fat, non Utahian woman? Ok, that was mean. I’m so going to hell. WAIT! I’m Jew-“ish” we don’t believe in that. Fat girls, fat girls, fat girls!

Was that strange?

Again, where was I?

“Do a sexy dance?"

“Jog in slow motion”

Who’s asking these questions? And when did these kids turn into Charlie Sheen?

Interesting costumes. I’ve always wanted to dress up as a donkey on a first date. Gives me another excuse to be an ass. Not that I ever actually need one. To know me is to love me - ass and all. Literally and figuratively. Why do I always end up talking about myself? Maybe because it’s more interesting than this SHOW!

Just a thought.

(and when did I start doing stand up and writing in fragments?) I’ll make sure not to quit my day job.

Back to the high school musical. All I have to say to the girl in the leotard is thank God you didn’t have that burrito last night. #1980ballerinaoutfitshidesnothing.

Baaaaahhhh

What I learned: next time I kiss a prince; I shall kick up my leg and say hee-haw afterward. Ups my chance of getting a rose. Or a kick in the ass. Either way I’d be going home with some sort of action.

(I can’t help myself tonight)

Deep thoughts:
Blakeley looks like she’s 45.
She’s a VIP cocktail waitress.
Sounds fishy.
By any chance is there some sort of “back room” involved in this VIPish thing you are doing Ms. Doubtfire?


Emergency evacuation plan:
When on a date ALWAYS and I mean always go sit on a public toilet, in a nice dress, and bitch about the other girls hitting on Ben. Hope the gonorrhea didn’t jump up into your dress contestant #13903940434.

And since we’re on the subject, did you not learn to hover over the toilet like a metal detector looking for gold? I would have guessed that you were good at that. My bad.

Enter Chicken fights in bikinis. You don’t say…

Let’s get to the point here, I really just want to know if they have a traveling spray tan lady with them at all times? Just wondering if it’s like the mobile pet grooming camper but for humans. Orange humans that is.

Yay, speaking of orange…orange girl and Ben in the kiddie pool. So awkward with the small talk just shut up and kiss her already. Oops, I spy bubbles!

“Even our kisses echo, should we be quiet?” (giggles)

No. We have nothing to say to each other. Let’s just kiss and pass the time until Blakeley hunts me down again.
Ok.

And here we have it folks
Blakeley: “Being a scoripio…” – Ding ding ding, winner winner chicken dinner (sorry Lissa, gotta go there). She said it. The magic Scorpio word is Intensity. Btw Ben, she will seriously go out of her way to kill you if you piss her off. Don’t say I didn’t warn you...

Orange girl, why are you crying? Are you shocked other girls are trying to make out with him?
I wish someone told you that you were actually going on a dating show...instead of a...dating show...

(Crickets in background……)

I have to say something, I don’t know if it’s Ben’s new haircut (quarter inch snipped off his goldie locks and a hard core Kardashian middle part) but his nostrils aren’t flaring “as much” as I remember. Today is a good day.

And the rose goes to...Blakeley, Miss Scorpio – hell yeah he wants to keep her around. I think he knows most Scorpios think about sex. a lot.

Come on...his daddy didn’t raise no foo’

Orange girl, stop crying. Get some self esteem. Borrow it from…ummm…ummmm…..well go to the nearest ummmmm…mobile spray tan facility? Bring some for the other wives too.


One on One date with Courtney:

I know this sounds bad because I really do believe in karma but...It would have made my day if that dog would have pooped on her in the car.

Doggy does doodie on dumbass ditz.

...And the award for the fakest smile, laugh, and most medicated Bachelorette in history of bachelor histories? Huh? Goes to...Courtney! Please lay off the Valium Debbie downer, I prefer to watch crazy dramatic bitches. It’s no fun when you’re under the care of Dr. Drew.

Anyone notice that the minute Benny started talking about his life, she got a glazed over look in her eyes? Just saying. Courtney baby don’t give a sheeeeaaaat about Ben and his life story.

“Smart, witty, drop dead gorgeous.” Hmmm big boy B….are you imagining things because I missed the smart and witty part… Maybe pretty, but her lack of luster is seriously taking points away by the second.

Going, going, gone..

The only thing I will give her props for is that she doesn’t have a full metal jacket of makeup on like the rest of the sister wives.

“Is this too good to be true?”
Poor Ben, please take your rose colored glasses off. I know that you might have not been able to get a hot girl like her before this amazing rose ceremony of a show but you’re killing me dude. She’s gonna dump you the minute the show is over. Call me.

“...and I found underwear in the bed.” Hmmmm, now...I’m not saying I’m psychic BUT I think it’s the douchie LA guys that you’re dating.

Did she just lean over to kiss him, but stopped half way with her lips pursed and eyes closed. I wish he would have walked away so we could have watched her in that pose for an awkward amount of time. I just put a bag over my head for her. So embarrassed. I thought models knew how to kiss. You’re killing me Larry.

Guess what Ben? Again, my psychicness tells me that a wanna be 20 something yr old model from LA is NOT gonna (read: not) move to Sonoma, stomp on grapes, model in elementary school plays, and howl at the moon with your dog who should have pooped on her. I on the other hand will be more than happy to do all of the above. (Except the pooping part). Please feel free to inquire within.


Rose ceremony:

Hold up: Who/what the heck is that green glitter frog/turtle/ lady? How did she get in?
Cue turtle backpack turtle spin.

“I feel like a guy, I’m not like a girl.” Good thing to say when you are on a dating show…for a guy…who wants a girl. But Big B, we do have a drag queen if that is more your style. Please refer to the green glittery turtle frog thing mentioned above.

(Bright) red flag #1: girl hiding in corner. Behind baggage. Key word: baggage.

Please accept the following list and comments as my way of remembering who the heck got a rose. Hard to keep all the girls straight when they all whine and cry. I can totally see why Ben wanted to do this show. What a great group of ladies.

Roses:

Jennifer - orange girl
Emily - not so memorable (yet?) Rose
Elyse - snookies tanner and taller cousin
Jaclyn. Ahhh attack of green monster. Oh wait, she IS from Massachusetts. I’m a genius. She is our new mascot.
Erica – Barneys little sister
Rachel – bangs
Lindsey – horse girl
Nicki – ummm not memorable (we’ll give her a yet for safe measure)
Casey S. emphasis on the S.
Sammantha, Monica, Jamie?? Who are all of you again?
Final rose – Brittney. Again, who?

Ps- love the “sweetness” in their voices when they accept the rose. Never mind they were just bitch slapping each other 5 minutes before. Crystal ball is telling me these ladies be bi-polar…….


Oh no Jenna is gonna blog and cry and cry and blog and blog and bob and cheech and chong.

Aaaaand she’s in shock? Hmmm yeah no clue why he sent you home.

NOOOO CLUE.

Oh poor Jenna, sweetie, I mean this in the nicest way possible but I think you have some serious emotional problems that need to be taken care of immediately. Esp before you date again. YES please do this now. Then send us a tweet that you are ok.

So, times are tough and they’re heading ALL THE WAY TOOOOOO...SF. Last time they spent all their time and money gallivanting around the world, but this time the big surprise is SF? Thank effing God I didn’t waste my time on this episode. Call me when we all go to Guam. So much more romantic.

dot dot goose...

This week's Bachelorette blog.

Here it is.

drumroll please.

Bentley is an ass.
Yes he is.
He is an Ass who likes Ashley's ass.
Problem being (pause to reflect. dot dot dot) he didn't want to take the rest of what's attached to that ass home to meet mamma.
Not even those supersize false eyelashes.

End blog.

Am I good with words, or am I good with words?

Heads, shoulders, knees, and tails. Knees and tails. Welcome folks, it's tickle your pickle time.

Here we go...heads - I blog about this weeks episode.....tails - I forgo the blog entirely and email Bentley directly on myspace. He must have an account, you're given one at the time of birth if you are an:

1) aspiring musician
2) Pedophile (we don't discriminate)
3) From Arkansas yet pretend you're from Compton
4) Porn Star
5) Desperately trying to get famous and facebook won't allow you to post the pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom....with your pants down....while pouting your lips trying to look sexy....yet coming across constipated.

umm, so ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I leave it up to you to decided which category he falls under. (psst, I say #6 all of the above?)

tbc....I'm still contemplating how we can get a man to dress up as Ashley and tickle his pickle.

Dear Mr. Mask, can we borrow your face for a minute? And yes, I really do mean a minute.

If you can’t take the heat, get out of the….oven? Damn, I was so busy preparing for the rapture I didn’t even know they changed the saying.

Disclaimer: As many of you have expressed your concern for that I’ve been buried alive under my work. The truth is I was/am. But I’ve been able to dig out one hand in an attempt to blog about this “amazing” (compliments of Jason Mesnick) season. With that being said, I will do my best to write something after every episode…even if it’s just a paragraph…

Oh, one more thing. This week’s blog is dedicated to the Trager Sisters. Fist pump.

Enough with my babble, let’s talk about the serious stuff. This season’s drinking word is….Insecurity. We will also accept insecure, insecurities, and insecurorama. Not to be confused with good self esteem. Which our dear Ashley has none of.

So Ashley is back from her extreme makeover home edition and since when is she the ‘tiny dancer’? Did we know that? Guess I didn’t pay enough attention last time. I couldn’t hear a thing over all her whining and complaining. BUT lucky for me, she bounced back from her deep love affair with Brad and is now ready to spread her legs, I mean herself, to 25 lucky suitors.

“I’m the most skeptical person you can ever meet” – Ashley Something. (I presume she has a last name but I don't care enough about her to google stalk). I'm just not that into her.

Well Tinker Bell, good thing you’re searching for your husband on a reality show. Keep this trend up and we look forward to your debut on divorce court.

Once again we find ourselves with a room full of hot men all ready and willing to jump at the chance to put the ball and chain on. And no we are not on a commune in Utah. We are here, in LA, land of men dying to settle down and start a family. I’m serious. No sarcasm at all. Nope, not this time.

Before I start ripping apart these poor men (hey, they asked for it) all I have to say is I can probably get into some serious trouble with JP. Dangerous. Very dangerous. (evil laugh). Husband material, yeah probably not so much. BUT fun time with Mr. Construction man. Yes. We. Can.

Ok, so here are the lucky ones who stood out.
Ryan – yummy
John – Something about that suit and tie makes him look like he should be working in the shoe dept at Nordstrom.
Ben – oui oui. That’s French for, mmmm I’ll have that.
Steven – Hair so straight and suave. Looks like you just got the brazillian. We must have used the same groupon. Did you put my name down? I want my $10 credit.
Chris – not sure if was rapping or attempting a poem. (aww, our friend Casey must have prepped him). Whatever, it was cute.
West – Super cute. Love the compass that he gave her. (Dear Mr. West, I’m lost. Please come find me and go down south). Oops. Need to put a lid on it.
Anthony – First of all….oh I won’t even go there. Ok yes I will. Can he fit any more of an east coast stereotype. Loved the gold necklace Tony. Luigi and Mario want. it. back.
Ames – Harvard, Stanford, Yale?? Where did he not go to school. Key word: overachiever. Now ballet tickets? Dude this guy probably even has my life planned out for me on an excel spreadsheet. Sweet, so does it say anywhere on there that I get to be the next Bachelorette? Oh God help me, I would rather make a fake eharmony commercial with my brother. What??? Moving on…
Matt – handshake = fun and awesome. (Interlude: I did that recently on a date and the guy stared at me. I kicked him to the curb right after. Who doesn’t want to be a goofball sometimes? Sorry, keep forgetting this is not about me)
Jeff – Mask
Ben – Winemaker. Oh wait, did you think I was going to say anything else about the Pied Piper? Ummm, he has beautiful eyes? I like him for his heart, not his face. Well that would be true since he forgot to change his outfit after he shot his S&M video.
Back to Ben, he’s a winemaker. I already married him in my head.
Frank – he picked her up and danced around with her. So glad Ashley’s new wig didn’t fall off, that would have been awkward.
Mike – She’s gonna gas him inside? Tmi.
JP- Stranger danger (in a good way)
Nick – just got his tips highlighted. Someone forgot to tell him the 80’s are over. Was kinda expecting him to have Zinka on his nose too. In a bright color. Like maybe pink?
Constantine – he should get a rose just because his name is Constantine. But wait, there’s more. The pink dental floss as a ring. Genius. So cute and creative!

Cocktail Party:
Quick overview:
1) Calling the mom on first date? I thought that only happens with the mammas boys on jdate? At least wait to the second date to reveal your umbilical cord.
2) “I’m just in sales”. Ashley, we’ve found your soulmate! Now both of you can work on your self esteem together.
3) Bentley needs to be run over by a Bentley. Oh crap, bad karma for me. Just kidding. Sending pink light.

Well.. that about wraps up our evening folks. She picked some guys, dumped some others….you know how this game is played - she’s probably already in love. I know I am (deep love)…with JP. PS, JP- you can call me cupcake, babycake, buttercake, you can even call me Suzy if you want. I'm an equal opp kinda gal.

Are you my Father?

Yes, just like the children’s book.

Volume I, Are You My Mother? was sold out within the first 10 minutes of episode 1. Due to this overwhelming demand they had to publish an updated edition appropriate for this seasons theme.

Next up, Are You My Gardener? You told me I was the only bush you liked.

Somehow I stumbled upon the application for The Bachelor and it looked something like this:

To be accepted on Brad’s season of the Bachelor, please make sure all of the below requirements apply.

1) You were abandoned or dropped on your head by your father.
2) When we say Who’s your daddy? You immediately think of Brad.
3) The only male figure in your life was your Gardner, please see above and keep your bush to yourself.

Thank God we have a therapist on this season because yes, everyone has daddy issues.

Interlude:
Due to unforeseen circumstances, (aka, my new demanding job) I am forced to turn this blog into my version of Cliff notes. DT Notes it is.

Hopefully you will still laugh even if it’s half the amount. What can I say? Daddy is cutting me off and I have to make a living somehow.

Back

One on one date with Ashley:

We start off with entertainment sounding like it came from a Cruise ship. Close your eyes and you’ll totally believe you’re in the “Seagull Lounge” on a Carnival Cruise line. Yes, I know from experience. Don’t ask. I’m still recovering.

Ashley is overwhelmed with emotion. All of which every one (except her) can tell it is from her Father. Yet she thinks the tears are a sign of her love for Brad. Oh honey..it’s too soon to start this nonsense. But thank you for the early entertainment.

Brad to Ashley: “Thank you. for. opening up. I. really appreciate. it. “
(Clearly he went to the same speech class as our favorite Bachelor from Cape Cod).
My advice to the lady: Take the rose beatch before he changes his mind again.

Group Date: Love Hurts – Michelle cries, take IV

How Hollywood, they’re filming an adventure movie.

Funeral Director takes one for the team (the living and the dead….oh…he doesn’t know about this yet….can’t wait to see his reaction. Scratch that, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen him have a reaction - to anything).

Question: When did Michelle become the narrator for the show? I constantly hear her voice, Chris where did you go? Come back, I need you daddy.

Rose goes to funeral director. Is this the kiss of death? I bet she hopes so. Sorry couldn’t resist.

One on one date with Barbie:

A couple things Emily has motivated me to do:
1)Pretend I have a southern accent
2)Get a tan
3)Loose 100 lbs
4)Prepare my teeth as if I’m going to be in a crest commercial
5)Start a petition for her as the new bachelor. Yeah I know she’s still on the show, but let’s face it a sweet girl like her needs a guy with a personality. Let’s not pretend like Brad is capable of the impossible.

Lesson #1 of the day: What not to ask a widow.
“So why did your last relationship end?”

What elephant in the room? I didn’t notice it. Just the platypus in the corner.

Sidenote: I started my own drinking game every time she talked about her tragic story. By the end of the show I was carried home like a drunken sailer and now I need Brad’s therapist in more ways than one. Good thing he flew him in from Australia, or wherever he's from. All I know is you just presented me with a guy that can talk about his feelings and has a hot accent. When do we meet and do you mind if I call you daddy?

Cocktail Party:

Newsflash: Fangs, de-fangs and may walk or waddle off the set. She’s not really a vampire after all. Really? Because I haven’t had enough of this whole Twilight thing yet.


Rose Ceremony:

Question #2:
Do they make the girls hold the roses (with both hands) in that ridiculous upright position the entire time?

Note to camera man: Not a good idea to zoom in on one of the girls while she’s making a double chin gesture. It’s sure to cause her severe stress when she’s watching this at home without Brad.

Therapist gains patient #3 immediately.

Who stays? Who goes?
Not like we really care but SOMEHOW we're still watching as if we do. Bottoms up!

-First rose goes to Psycho.(That’s Michelle for any male who is watching and is somehow still mesmerized by her looks…..like Brad. Stop thinking with that pecker stiff boy. Oh! Didn’t mean it like that. But yes, down boy, down I say!)

-Next, The slapper also gets a rose.

Oops, we interrupt this national geographic documentary on, Daddyless Girls and Their Mating Clinging Patterns, to bring you Fangs dramatic exit from the show.

“How could I love you when all these other girls NEED your love …..” Well, something like that.

Let’s just say I half believe her, and the other half (ok the other half-ish) is the Great Wall of China surrounding her fangs (pre-removal), tatas and who-ha.

Break down that wall you action hero you. Ok don’t. You’ve got other girls to pretend to commit to.

Smart girl Madison, here’s your get out of jail free card. Enjoy. Cheers. And Shalom.

And we’re back.
-Lisa (shocked as hell, and so were we)
-Jackie (Who’s Jackie?)
Ashley
Marissa
Brit
Alli
Lindsay
Megan (shocker numero 4 of the evening)
Stacey (don’t worry Stacey; it has nothing to do with the fact that I can do a pap smear on you in that dress. Nothing.)

Until next time. I’m gonna go find my dad, he’s probably lost in Costco.

“I’ve changed”. And so has that tranny that they snuck on as one of the bachelorettes. (And for a limited time only 10% off your next embalming if you know which one I’m talking about)

So three years later and here we are Brady baby. Either he swallowed a large can of botox or he hasn’t actually changed one bit because he’s still as stiff and lifeless as I last remembered. Ooohhh peeeerrfect for our new neighborhood mortician. Where are the men with personalities? Even multiple would be better than none at this point.

First, the Bachelor gave us that lame “millionare” named Alex who was worse than AT&T's service. Then years later we are presented with a doctor who was so boring his dates probably personally flatlined themselves (once again new clients for Morticia). Then a so called “prince” of some kakamane made up kingdom, whose nose was definitely larger than his personality…among other things I’m sure. Oh and let’s not forget the controlling, verbal abuser they flew in from Texas. Yeehaw! We’re on a roll now.

So, you’re telling us the producers combed the country for the most eligible Bachelor and this is who they came back with? For Christ sakes, just kill me now. Maybe Fangs will do the honors.

Back to our Bradley.

Well where do we begin? A lot has happened during his “time off”. Let me tell you what really changed during his breakdown:

1)He underwent a major Manscapation (new word, just made it up) of his entire chest and back.
2)He didn’t want to be the only one on the show without implants so he had his “ pectorals” done (yes, say it with me folks, pec-tor-als). Please note: he likes to flex them during the close ups.
3)He realized sooner rather than later, I mean later rather than sooner, that he is actually here now for “all the right reasons”. You mean the T & A? Yeah we know tin man, we know.
4)The weight of the world has been lifted from his shoulders. Unfortunately it has been replaced with a 3-D image of Jesus on his back, or maybe it’s just the cross. But in any case, Jesus Brad (pun intended, ok not funny) we get the point. Might I have suggested a small, and delicate tramp stamp on your lower back instead?

And just like his monotone voice, here is what has remained consistent:

1)His speech is still slower than a biggest loser contestant running a marathon.
2)He is still spray tanning like he’s a member of the oompa loompa tribe. Hey, well maybe it is his real skin color. I don’t discriminate. I bash all boring men, even the orange ones.
3)He’s still Brad Womack. Oh, that was low, I’m just kidding. You’re not that bad, at least you’re easy on the eyes. Just don’t make me talk to you. I’d rather scratch my nails on a chalkboard. No really, I would.

Ok, so now that we got that out in the open and before I begin (wait too late, crap, this always happens) I have to genuinely give our main man a high five for diving deep and being man enough to go to therapy when most others would just keep running from the problem(s). Ok no more nice D, we don’t have time for that here.

But hey, just like he said, it’s not his fault his dad was a shmuck. It all goes back to the parents. Yup it’s true, we can always blame our parents for our issues. So this leads me to suggest a new dating service. Screw going out with the actual guy. I think we should skip the fluff and cut to the chase....date the parents. Then we can REALLY see what kind of hot mess we’re getting ourselves into ahead of time. I think I may be onto something. Should I arrange a ladies road trip to the nearest retirement community? Dibs on the hottie in the corner with no teeth – he looked like he was a good time before he turned into a dinosaur.

In conclusion.

Therapy + pectoral implants + life size inflatable tattoo (oh Casey I miss you) on upper back = a changed man. Hooray!

However, in the slight or not so slight case that we don’t actually believe any of the above crap, they do show the customary clip of him twirling around some borrowed kids like he’s Mother effing Teresa. And his mother, god bless her and the sweat dripping down her face, (must be related to Roberto) is there to reinforce this “changed” concept. Oh, OK, OK...now we believe him. Of course we trust her. She’s not biased, it’s only her son.

He’s official.

Kid tested, mother approved. Perfect man for a Kix commercial but not so much for the new contestant on the Bachelor.

Forward, heave ho. (not you Blondie in the back that doesn’t have a chance in hell of getting a rose.)

But before I introduce these skanks. Bitches. Hustlers. Classy ladies? No, no, skanks. Yes that’s better. Before I introduce them, we see Brad pulling up to our favorite hosed down driveway that we know and love so well.

Stepping out of the limo like a scared baby bird (could he be a Raven? No. A bluejay? No. Oh, I know. Like the Dodo bird from Alice in Wonderland) ready to spread his wings, he painfully makes his way to the interrogation station next to our buddy Chris.

He starts in with, “I wasn’t capable of falling in love” Please Bradford, this blog is long enough. You don’t need to state the obvious. No worries though Mr. Robato, I know a lot of men like you. You must all be from the same litter.

Yes, we all make mistakes. But you my dear orange tiger made them on national television. Which, makes you my new pet project. (evil laugh)

Oh guess what, remember those asses you tapped (before your 3 year dry spell) well here they are. Enter stage left: the wicked witch and her little dog too.

Gulp.

Neck scratch, neck scratch

Loosen tie

Double gulp again like you just had the best slurpee in town. Topped off with the brain freeze look. Ohhh, that one’s a killer. I know.

Jenni and Deanna, nice of you to join us. Cleary Deanna was still angry, fake, and did I mention bossy? She looked like she was trying to do a sales pitch during a bout of constipation. It clearly wasn’t working for her. What’s your deal boss lady? Haven’t you moved on? Aren’t you engaged to your ex-fiancés, ex-girlfriends, new fiancés, twin brother? Say what? I’m confused and all I know to be true is that someone needs to go to Costco and purchase a package of those take home STD tests ahora. I bet there’s some serious things jumping, swimming, and/or whatever they do circling in that group. Time to play crazy cult people and move to Utah. Happy trails to youuuuuuuu.

Enough of this nonsense. And now our lucky Bachelorettes who have this ‘amazing opportunity’ to date our commitment phobe of the week. Is reality TV great or what?

Here we go. The “lucky” (I use this term loosely these days) women of the hour are….

1)First up. First name: Chantal. Last name: “I’m just the messenger.” (Oh, I’m so using that line from now on) SLAP! POW! BAM! It’s like a Batman and Robin episode. Ooooh, but Mikey likes it, he really does. Do it again, do it again! Well. Guess we all know now he likes it rough in bed.

2)Moving on. Kimberley joins us sporting some kind of brass knuckle gear on her hand and wearing her favorite sparkly Forever 21 dress. It’s too bad though, because she’s clearly not. Good thing however, she saved money on her dress because she spent the rest of it on her lip injection (emphasis on the singular). Couldn’t help but think about Elvis as it did this curl thing… She’s trying to be sexy but it’s not exactly there yet. Try again in 3 years like Brad.

3)Alli joins us and tells us she’s willing to give him a second chance. Too bad, he’s probably not with her.

4)Ashley from North Carolina uses her southern accent to lure him in and grab his manscaped ass.

5)Next, we had an unidentified pair of shoes walking out of the limo. Good first impression. Nothing says high maintenance like a pair of designer shoes that you can barely walk in.

6)Marissa asks him if he would be ok with a girl that is obsessed with sports. Really? That’s like asking your boyfriend if he minds having a threesome with the girls next door. Come on now.

7)Poor Lindsay from Dallas. She seems to be missing a link on one of her chromosomes. Tranny alert. Tranny alert.

8)Ashley is cute and sweet and I couldn’t help but notice that her flat, pushed in face bares a striking resemblance to my shih-tzu. Ahh. Good girl. Now sit, roll over, and play dead for our friendly funeral director.

9)Raichel the manscaper. Is that even a word? Not fair, they already know each other, who else waxed his chest before his photoshoots?

10)Just when we thought we were done with all unidentified objects, we spot a white, pointy situation. Alright, do we ignore this cry for attention? Or are we an equal opportunity show? Well let’s see. For starters, she says she knows nothing about him. Ding Ding Ding! IGNORE the fangs. Fangs? What fangs? Madison, I know nothing about you and I’m not one to judge (giggle) but I will say you look like a ridiculous walrus.

11)Melissa jumps into his arms. Yeah, that’s all. Next.

12)Renee comes out of the limo wearing my homecoming dress from 1993. Damn girl, I thought that was still in my closet.

13)Cristy from florida, has a big smile. That will surely change after one conversation with Mr. Personality himself.

14)Jackie who looks exactly like the girl from Glee. Oh and she sings too! It is you. Time for a duet? ...On the Wings of Love...Pinky swear you won’t be the last girl standing. Do it for all of America.

15)Sara P. makes him get down on his knee. Yup, it’s confirmed. He didn’t like it and is never going down on anyone again.

16)Lacey. She wore a purple dress. Hmm, that’s all I remember. Hey Lacey that’s a compliment.

17)Lauren looks sweet but there’s something about her eyes...just can’t place it yet...

18)Lisa P.thank you for coming. We know it was a long drive from Vegas and all. Where did you park your trailer?

19)Shawntel tip toes around trying not to slip and fall. She doesn’t want to break her neck and die since she knows what “they” do with the dead. Roger,10-4, please set this doooozy up with Kirk’s dad STAT! Wondering if anyone caught Brad say, you can make anyone look good? Oh Bradfordson, you have no idea. Should have seen what she did with MJ, he was as black as his monkey when she was done fluffing him.

20)Next up we have a mime. I give her an 8.5 for originality and a 4.5 for that horrible “updo”. Why is Kirk’s family back in the picture? His mom was your stylist, wasn’t she?

21)Poor Stacey from Boston doesn’t know anything about him (shaking head...kids these days...)

22)Hi, “I’m Jill, I’m ready to get married” Wow, why didn’t you just have the mime carry out your eggs on a silver platter while you’re at it?

23)Lisa M. from Kansas and her Dorothy slippers. Cute and original. Memorable. Or was it her African American spray tan? Well it’s not her fault, she is from Kansas. How are they really supposed to know what fake LA girls look like? Do they even get US Weekly there?

24)Rebecca the esthetician. Props to her nice skin! However I doubt Brad is concerned about that considering I’m about to skin him for my new leather purse.

25)J, not Jay but “J”. Sooo 2009. Anyway, it’s her birthday. Happy Quinceañera.

26)Kettle korn and her legs. Legs great, face, mmmm, not so much. Let’s hope personality makes up for it.

27)Sarah L. can’t snap and also can’t make small talk.zzzzzzzzz

28)Emily is clearly gorgeous and looks like a pageant queen. Thank you for taking time off from your duties as Rose Bowl Queen. We know it’s tough to smile and wave all day.

29)Britt had a tough act to follow, but she pulled through and fed the man. Smart woman. He’ll definitely keep you around matter what you look like. A man’s gotta eat, especially after he bangs all the other chics.

30)Last but not least, or maybe? Is Michelle, wasn't she one of the housewives of NYC?


And there you have it; our 30 lucky ladies who get to throw themselves on some guy that they don’t even know. Yay for trashy TV and a 2 hour distraction during the day.


Cocktail party: part therapy, part nervous twitch

The highlight of the night: Our very own Glee singer writes a love song and I do her a favor by filling in the end:

I came here today
To come to LA
Take me away…..
Because you’re probably now gay

Alli talks about her big ass, trying too hard to be one of the Kardashians. Keep trying.

Manscaped, batwings? Hmm sounds like something that would be a good match with Fangs. I finally see something promising here. Love is in the air...every time she takes a bite..

First impression rose:

The lucky lady is no other than Miss southern belle herself. Miss Ashley who pulls the “friend card” right out of his ass where she grabbed it. Good work Scarlett.

Final rose ceremony:

In an effort to save more of your precious moments that you've already lost from watching this show I will present to you the losers... in which case may very well be the winners if you ask me...but hey, who’s asking...

Bye bye Lauren. I’m sorry, you did look sweet, but you also looked like you could be in Avatar. Better luck next time. Go plug your tail into someone else’s flying thingy...he’s just not into that kinda thing. Fangs, yes. Computerish creatures, apparently not.

Adios to Brittney and the dead skunk/updo on her head.

And C'est la vie to some other girls that I don’t even remember and have no intention of remembering. Good luck, and see you back on the show in 10 years when you’re still looking for a bag of dried up nuts.

So what have we learned tonight?

Well, he’s a new man, was in therapy for 3 years, is looking for his wife...with possible fangs and/or dentures will do. Oh, of course he likes the fangs, he’s a scorpio…kinky kinky kinky. Come on Scorpios, don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Your secret is safe with me. Wink wink.

And in case you didn’t hear, he’s a new man. And thank god for that because America wasn't too fond of the old one. Does that mean your twin brother is the old you, too? Sucks to be him. Guess there’s always a rotten egg in the group.

Ps- nice touch with Seal and his comeback?...almost made me teary eyed, thank God I didn't see a rainbow - it’s too early in the season to be the crier.

One last note. He’s changed, let the manscaping begin...