“Love is the only reality” Really? Then my reality is pretty freaking pathetic. I’d like to buy a vowel please….

We start off in LA with a close of up Ali’s roots (send maintenance please). Do they not have hair salons in other countries? Tragic. Moving on...and we magically end up in Tampa, Florida on our quest for love and Roberto’s (base)balls.

Hometown date #1:
A mysterious black van, that looks as if it could have been used by the DC Sniper, conveniently drops Ali off on the corner so that they are able to reenact a scene out of Baywatch and run towards each other in a passionate display of affection. (Please note her yellow shirt, we will get back to this shortly).

Ali, I have something to tell you. I’m a playa. I used to play baseball. Keyword, used to. And with that we enter his field of dreams and her field of balls as her legs we surgically attached to his waist most of the afternoon. As she puts on his jersey she says “it makes her so proud”. Yes we get it, proud like a trophy wife. More lip injections please. Roberto comes out of nowhere sporting his baseball outfit and Ali was SO shocked. “I had NO idea you were going to put on a baseball uniform.” What, did you think he was going to put on Weatherman’s Speedos? We already know those won't fit.

Have to admit, Ali wasn’t that bad at baseball. She did way better than I would have. For starters, she caught the ball. I would have ducked. I don’t do well in sports where balls fly at my face...well sometimes...but that’s a whole other blog. Oh yeah and did I mention that’s why golf works out so well for me. Unless I hit a tree and it ricochets back into my face but remember I duck, so we’re all good. Props to Ali for bringing back her butch lesbo softball days! Butt slap, good game.

They are soooo giddy like little school kids and are having the time of their lives. So much so that they actually have to run around ALL the bases, all the while holding hands and twirling around like they are in flashdance. Water hose anyone?

During their impromptu picnic in the middle of the field we learn Roberto’s dad is an ex army Wrangler (hmmm, could be hot..depends on if he looks like his son) and that his mom is passive, doesn’t says much, and definitely doesn’t argue. Two things that quickly jump to mind. Ali, this family is not for you and I think Franky might be a better housewife for him. But I’m not giving up hope. We can all tell that besides the making out there is a deep emotional connection that binds the two of you together. Hold up, there is? Have you two ever even had a conversation longer than 1 minute? Or do you constantly break up the monotony with a game of tonsil hockey? Just asking, I’m jealous. I too want to find a guy that I have nothing to say to. Wait, this seriously describes all my first dates. Help.

OK Ali this is the big night, first hometown dinner with the rents. You have 20-30 seconds to make a good impression so hope you picked out a great outfit. Drumroll please...and she loves yellow so much that she decides to wear the SAME shirt she wore earlier in the day. Good thing Florida isn’t humid. Did the airlines lose your luggage? Oh well, yay for being sustainable. There’s no better way to make smell a first impression. Hope she had clinical strength Degree antiperspirant. (no, they’re not a sponser).

“I don’t want to brag (umm so don’t), but, you’re a prize” Roberto’s Army Sergeant Dad tells us. A lot more bragging about his son and a little dancing with the stars action in the living room rounds out the night with Roberto and family. Ali, FYI...you better cut off your other left foot if you really want this relationship to take off. Borrow one from Jake I’m sure he’s not using his anymore. Although he probably threw it at Vienna Finger.

Date theme song: I’m too sexy by Right Said Fred.

I give the date 3.5 out of 5 roses.


Date #2 with Cape Cod Chris (…heart flutter….)

Just a quick question before we start. ABC, what exactly do you mean when you say “Landscaper”? Do you mean gardener? Just wondering.

Paaaahhkk the caaaahhhh, we’re going to the beach! Of course the weather is nice there, it always is. Did I mention that’s why I left Boston? Anyway, Ali is a good sport, my hair soooo would have frizzed, hello Jew Fro. Maybe she got the Brazilian hair treatment, sans formaldehyde of course. And we’re walking...walking...and then Chris reminds us that at this very second whales are mating. Freudian slip? What’s on your mind big boy?!

Oy, again with the mom, I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know how Ali is keeping it together. I’m a mess over here! Send in the squeegee. Again. OMG, now he wants to find the one that makes him smile, and happy blah blah...Pssst Chris, short brunette, over here...in the corner. Howudoin?

The way to his family’s heart is through wine (could we be any more of a perfect match?) and they all toast and cheers to each other. Good thing Ali is the only one holding her pint of beer. Get it together girl, or I’m moving you out of the way and going in for my own Dentist, Dennis...whatever kind of bracelet it is.

My father in law is so sweet, bless his heart. But I couldn’t help but notice he bore a striking resemblance to the Gorton’s fisherman guy. A slightly older, more mature one, minus the beard but close nonetheless. Jingle now stuck in my head, thanks Dad. Loved the story of how he met his wife. Except that one is not gonna work for me. Do you know how many times I’ve walked into a bar and said oh he’s the one. Oh no, this time I mean it. It’s different. He’s sooooo the one. Haven’t felt this way before...this time is different. Oh well, if that actually happened I’d be living in Utah now and who wants to do that?

Does this date actually have to end? Chris (L.)...I’m enjoying your family so much. Even planning our Cape Cod wedding right now and yes I’m walking down the aisle to the mating calls (with non frizzy hair of course, helloooo frizz-ease.) Where in LA do I find a guy like you? Oh, that was a funny one wasn’t it? Riiiigggght, ok I’ll just continue dating guys who hand me their headshots instead of their cards. (rolling my effing eyes) Sigh.

Oh wait, I have one more thing to show you, Chris says. Oh really Chris, I didn’t know you were that type of guy, but I like it. I like it a lot. And then as if they were in a fairy tale he kisses her high up on the...water tower? What the heck was that thing? Who cares it looked romantic. And they lived happily ever after...The end.

Crap she still has 2 more families to lead on...oh well. Until we meet again my Cape Cod cutie!

Date theme song: Can you feel the love tonight from the Lion King (*) (Sorry Roberto, I stole this one from your trapeze act. You snooze you lose).

Date gets 5 roses and a Dentist bracelet!


Date # 3 (Nightmare on both streets)

How do we even meet Kirk and his furry friends after Chris and his family? If we must...here we go...
(Ali please return your yellow raincoat to Chirs’ Dad. He needs it to sell more frozen fish)

Several problems with this date. Where do I start?
1)They are in Greenbay, Wisconson. Who the hell wants to move there?
2)They are in Greenbay, Wisconson. Who the hell wants to move there?
3)I think I remember Kirk’s dad from, To Catch A Predator.
4)Someone needs to go in and de-clutter that house immediately. I was getting nauseous with all the tchotskies everywhere. Hope they’re not planning on selling anytime soon. Bring in the professional stager.
5)We find out the predator stores “stuffed” animals in the basement. EWWWWWW
6)EWWWWWWWWWW
7)EWWWWWWWWWWW (ok, I think I’m done now)
8)Kirk says his dad is not a man of many words. No shit that’s why he plays with dead things.
9)I would NOT want to be in that house alone and/or at night. And I’m especially afraid of what happens when there’s a full moon. If I put a quarter in a paw will the lights dim and the animals start singing and wagging their tales like at Chuck E Cheese?
10)The step moms voice was manlier than Franks
11)That freezer was scary. It for sure looked like the kind that all the psycho killers in the movies have.

And that’s all I’m gonna say about that.
Let’s move onto the mom’s house. She greets us at the door rocking a “bump it” in her hair that she ordered on QVC and braces that shined all the way from here to the Chrysler building.

Thank god Kirk has so much “love and support from his family, and that they would do anything for him.” Good because you’re gonna need all of them (including your creepy dad) to help you pick up the pieces of your broken heart after Ali breaks it.

“My family is who I am”, Really? Then taxi please. I gosta go!

Date song: The Muppets Show theme song.

Date get’s 2 roses and a PETA membership.


Date #4 – Please make sure all emotional baggage fits under the seat in front of you or in the overhead bin.

Once again, I love how Frank wears his heart on his sleeve...or cardigan. WTF were you wearing Tenderheart Bear? Please call Queer Eye for the straight Guy ASAP. Ohhh that could be tricky since we haven’t figured out yet which team you exactly play for yet. Just kidding. Love you Amigo Bear (oops, that’s Roberto’s care bear name).

Anyway, Frank and his cardigan greet Ali and are off to explore Chicaaaaago. Lots of emotions on the date already, shocker, and when Frank walks into his parents house they greet him as if they haven’t seen him in ages. “So good to see you Frank, it’s been forever.” “I miss you sleeping in our bed”. Now go take out the trash and make sure your chores are done before dinner. If not, no dessert for you and your lady friend.

ALright, I have a confession to make. I’ve noticed I go into autopilot mode every time Frank is talking about his “feelings”. I’m like a total dude now, I just shut him out and nod my head. When/how did this happen? Franky, if you’re making ME shut you out...you MUST be an emotional wreck.

“We’re both at a point in our lives where we can get up and go anywhere.” Yes, it’s called being unemployed. Here are your food stamps.

Overall, date was good. Lots of laughs with the fam but Weatherman shows up out of nowhere (I swear he IS Houdini) and delivers a red flag. There could be one major penalty with their “relationship”. Here it is. Anyone else notice that Ali and Frank’s dad have the same nose. Are you sure you’re not related? This could be incestual.

Theme song: Lost in emotion by Lisa Lisa Cult Jam

Date gets 4 roses and a new sweater vest.


Final Rose Ceremony.

Ali is sitting with Chris having a little pow-wow and I notice nothing else but her shimmery pastel pink lipstick that is exactly matching her prom dress. Too matchy matchy Ali. Way too bed in a bag. Did you dye your shoes at Bakers to match the dress too? Ok fine, you looked good. It just looked like a care bear exploded on your lips. Hope it wasn’t Frank.

We know we’re all waiting for this, so here it goes.

Roses go to:
1)Roberto and his balls.
2)Chris (YAAAY, America can take a deep breath now)

...final rose goes to....the stuffed animals (not the kind you had when you were little folks, Daddy plays with real toys) or one emotional nightmare to go please?

3)Congratulations emotional basket case, you are the lucky winner.
(Please don’t cry)

Sorry Kirk please walk out with Ali as the tears of guilt roll down her face. Just kidding Ali, I know you were more scared that his dad was going to hang you on the wall with the rest of his ex-girlfriends. Kirk, just go home and cuddle with your toys that should make you feel better.

One word. Tahiti, Holllllaaa! Ok that was 2 but who cares because they’re off to the most romantic place on earth. No, not the basement. Been there done that and now we all have fleas.

(*a Flash funny)

“BABY! Be quiet while I’m talking!” Me Tarzan, you Jane.

If those are not the words of a man in love, I just don’t know what is. Props to Jake’s mother. She must have been proud of his performance last night.

Let’s be honest, how could we possibly sit through Ali making out in castles when we have a Vienna and Jake showdown to watch! Stop making this the BEST most DRAMATIC episode ever!

Two (and a half) things I never thought I would say:
1)I believe Vienna
a)Jake is DISGUSTING.
2)Ali you dodged a huge bullet(grenade Atom bomb?). Three cheers for being a workaholic. Hip hip hooray, hip hip hooray, hip…ok back to the drama.

Once upon a time...there was a girl named Ali, not sure if you’ve heard of her. She’s just been on this show for the last 5 weeks or so minding her biznatch until Jake shows back up and steals her thunder. Such a “fame whore” he is. Did you not feel manly enough dancing around in spandex on DWTS’s that you had to sashay back into our lives reinforcing your manhood with your clenched jaw and suppressed anger? Jake, do us a favor go fly over the Bermuda Triangle and look for Amelia Earhart. She’s the only one I know that will put up with your On The Wings of Love theme song.

And then there were “five men Ali could see a future with.” Really, because I see only 2, maybe 3 if I squint hard enough. This week there will be no roses on the dates, Chris says (and he is the God of the Bachelorette world). SO no roses, they’ll just drag some guy by the balls for a little bit longer. Yay for teamwork!

The five suitors run into their new dorm room and Ty, the liberal democrat, finds the first date card. (Yes people, there’s a brain between those ears). Oh that was mean, and uncalled for. I’m sorry Ty, I’ll get back to work on your casserole.

Date numero uno with Enrique Iglesias.

“Be the king of my castle” Is that a euphemism for your who-ha?? Wait, what the heck is a euphemism anyway? Oh no, now I sound like Vienna.
Poly-o-graph anyone?

Meanwhile Full of Fear Frank calls the date cute and romantic. Someone get him a snuggie, he’s looking to cuddle.

Back to the date.

After their improv photo shoot (cute, huh?) Ricky Martin grabs her passionately and swirls her around like he just dipped her in chocolate. Wait for it….he hears the music….the beat takes over him….he breaks out into the salsa in the middle of the street. Apparently, he can’t control himself; the music is running through his Latin blood. Oh please! Who actually (when cameras are not rolling) stops to dance in the middle of the street. He was basically humping her leg while whispering Español into her ear. Ok, you win. That would work for me.

After the trolley ride of the city, which they missed because they were making out the whole time, oh no worries though, like Ali said it’s just like San Francisco. Yes Lisbon, Portugal is just like San Francisco, they end up on what looks like the Great Wall of China. She makes him a cracker (yes I said, makes him a cracker) and says, this is the only thing I’ll ever make. Ty, did you hear that? Just making sure.

Suave tells her a bunch of pretty good lines
(judges, your totals please….we give him a 9.3)
all of which turn her natural spray tan (oxymoron?) into a luminous red glow. Poof! Just like that she morphed into the Kool Aid Kid. Well she is closer to Jesus being that high up on those steps, so that could have something to do with it. All I know is you're turning violet, violet.

As if he hasn’t had enough cheese (both going in and out of his mouth) he spews out some line of never having been with a woman like Ali. Music stops. Double take. What? Roberto, you’re hot. How is this possible? Where have you been looking? Iceland?

Next scene camera zooms into the fraternity house and Frank is holding a family meeting, probably to talk about his feelings. Again. When low and behold God (Chris?) knocks at the door and a new date card appears.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Jake.
Jake who?
Exactly.

Two on one date (no, not like that. This is a family show)

Frank and Ty, “let’s find our future in the past.” Frank leaves us with profound words of wisdom, “this absolutely sucks” That was deep. Almost as deep as the black hole this show is falling into.

Date starts off with typical helicopter action. Yawn, this is getting old, can we try something new perhaps a Teradactyl or something? Can we learn to train our dragons? Anything but a helicopter, that’s so 2009. They land at a castle where she tells them this was a gift from a king to his queen, (clearing throat). Translation, a diamond is just not gonna cut it guys, I demand a castle on my hand as well. Start digging boys.

What we find out on the date(s). Let me break it down for you.

1)It “tickles” Ty's pickle that she has ambitions and goals in life (I think he’s been stuck in Iceland with Roberto for too long)

2)Frank is really close with his family. So close that he still sleeps in his parents bed. Really? Who the heck thought he made enough money working as the Manager of Forever 21 to live on his own?

3)He wears a creepy thumb ring. Take that off immediately. You’re gonna give me nightmares.

BTW, of course Ali doesn’t care that Franky lives at home. She wears the pants anyway so he’ll just move in with her and Ty and be a stay at home mom for the both of them.

Date #3

Kirk, once upon a time……there was a princess who kissed a million frogs but still thought none of them liked her. Yay for confidence 101. Kasey is the teacher and will be giving free tattoos after completion of the course.

First half of date I fell asleep. Then Ken doll showed up in his canary yellow button down and Ali appeared sporting her starched (and I mean starched) white blazer that was about as stiff as Jake in part 2 of this drama filled show, I must have died and rolled off the boat from Nantucket. Muffy, tennis match at 3:00? Thank you daling, in the meantime I will continue to shove my entire face in Ali’s mouth, in the hopes that she will meet my tonsils and parents.

Date #4

Chris it’s your time to shine...Love get’s better with age. And hopefully your sexual chemistry with Ali. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ok, so what if Chris can’t ride a horse or a moped? All that matters is that he can ride Ali...that is if they ever make it past the handshake phase. Wow, when did I become so aggressive? I’ve regressed into a prepubescent boy. Scary.

Biker Chris attempts (oh bless his heart) to man the moped but instead looks like a giraffe learning to walk. He’s going 5 mph, meanwhile my grandma and her walker are making circles around them, and yet he’s still afraid he’s gonna kill the Bachelorette. Chris, seriously step. It. Up!

Finally, his shell is starting to crack...humpty dumpty sat on the wall...and he gives her a gift. Aww, that was sweet. Even though it was slightly (that’s putting it nicely) awkward watching you kiss Ali not to mention talk in fragments. We. Will. Keep. You. Around. A. little. Longer. But. Please. Drink. A. bottle. Of. Wine. It. Has. To. Help. Or. I. will. Because. I. can’t. watch. You. be. nervous. anymore.

It just feels strange, and I’m uncomfortable. Do you need to practice on me a little?

Final Rose Ceremony

Customary guilt speech before she gives out the final roses...I really appreciate you being here, yadda, yadda, but I’m about to dump your ass...yadda yadda...

Here we go.

First rose goes to:
Chris. Please accept this rose and bottle/barrel of wine.

Next rose goes to:
Frank and his parents. Can’t wait to see your star wars bed sheets

Third rose goes to:
Roberto, because well, let’s face it. You’re hot. And Ali wants to pretend like she’s Cinderella for just a little bit longer. I don’t blame her. Giddy up girl!

Final Rose goes to:
Kirk

Oh Ty, it just wouldn’t have worked out. Ali has goals in life (well she did. Before she left her job at facebook) and in the long run, I just don’t see her carrying around the confederate flag. Would have cramped her style.

And there you have it, this weeks 2 hour, oops, hour and a half Bachelorette. We’re sorry we interrupt this regularly scheduled broadcast to bring you a real dose of reality.

This is the true story... (true story) of two strangers... picked to live in a bubble...make out and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being fake... and start getting real...Real World, Bachelorette style.

Nice transition Chris. One minute Ali is in dreamland, next minute enter happy newlyweds Jake and Vienna.

Popcorns popped, and here we go.

In one corner we have Jake - the man, the myth, the closet homosexual. Sporting a tan that makes George Hamilton look pale, he graces us with his presence and unbuttoned shirt (I just threw up in my mouth) while adorning an obnoxious smirk as if he’s hiding something (what could that be? Perhaps the strings you’ve attached to Vienna’s implants as if she’s a marionette?)

He starts off with the following lines, “you know what MAN” Ummm classy Jake. No, MAN, I don’t know what? Why don’t you tell us or better yet just keep acting like the control freak from Sleeping With The Enemy in the meantime. That speaks for itself.

(Crap, brb)

Phew, Ok all good. Had to straighten my bathroom towels…scared he might come over and yell at me.

Jake starts off talking about how the relationship went downhill. Dude, was it ever up? Ew, please don’t answer that.

Enter little Bo Peep and then awkward game of musical chairs as Jake circles around her like he’s honing in on his prey. I just wanted to stop the music right there, to see who would push who down first for the seat. Anyway, could that seating arrangement be any smaller? Next time, try a couch instead of a love seat especially if they’re breaking up...just sayyyyiiiiinngggg.

We come to find out the “love” only lasted for 1 month, then he turned into R2D2. Actually, scratch that, R2 has more heart and soul than he does. Did anyone else find him possessed? He seriously gave me chills. And yes, pigs now have wings because for once I actually believed Vienna. That poor girl is never going to work at Hooters again; she’s terrified of men now. Jake you managed to stay single for thirty something years, then you turn you ex-fiancé into a lesbian. Is that at all related to your attempt to figure out your own sexuality? I’m just wondering. I do have a couple guys for you..Oh F that. I forgot you’re an emotional abuser who likes to project your suppressed anger onto everyone else. Sorry “man” no chicks or d*cks for you.

I think (for moral reasons of course) that I should tell you all about my other profession. I’m actually a trained therapist, yes it’s true, so here’s my professional diagnosis of Jake:

Asshole
(clearly, with a small pecker)

That sums it up. Thank god for years of schooling.

You know...it’s always the quiet ones that you have to be careful of...He makes Kasey look like the best catch! Kasey, call me. Hope your tattoo is healing. So is my heart.

Alright, that was enough fluff, I’m just gonna lay it all out. Jake if you ever read this, (because I hear you’re into tabloids and blogs) please take note and check yourself into the psych ward immediately. Better yet, fly your ass on over to Promises, isn’t it a rehab place for B list celebrities? You’re for sure gonna start drinking soon, your downward spiral starts riiiiiight. Now.


Dearest Jake,
I have some news for you, you are a control + freak= control freak. Thank you for showing the world your true colors in your subtle (and not so subtle ways). You’re right, Vienna was toooootally emasculating you when she wanted to re-measure the dresser. No dude, it’s called being a woman, we love to decorate. Deal with it. I hope I never have to see your face on e-harmony especially that creepy smirk of yours and don’t worry I’m working on Kirk’s dad adding you to his basement collection. Please check yourself, before you wreck yourself. (Wtf did I even mean by that?)

Sincerely,
some random chick that hopefully will never end up on a plane that you’re flying.

...But, if for some reason I do, did I mention this was all a joke and you’re my hero. (Dear God, I hate flying and will fear it even more if Jake is ever my pilot. Let’s hope I have a good dose of Xanax if that day ever comes...and for my friends that have seen me fly on horse tranquilizers..oh yes, that’s a good time had by all)

I’m gonna end with this. If Jake is any indication of the type of men who are single. Then please just drive me to the nearest sperm bank. Hello, party of hopefully not Octuplets.

Rated D for Douche

...99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer, take one down, pass his girlfriend around, 98 bottle of beer on the wall. Yup another one bites the dust...

Oh, Istanbul Turkey. Land of beautiful architecture, Turkish baths and multiple girlfriends. With an aerial shot of the city and the phallic symbols of the minarets and steeples on the Hagia Sophia (oh bet you didn’t think I knew that did ya?) the episode starts with a bang or shall I say a lost dog running around the city with his tail tucked between his legs.

First scene: Ali in hotel room. “I don’t think anything can go wrong at this point”………Knock Knock. (Enter Chris Harrison) duh duh duh dummmmmmm
Chris: Ali, I have some bad news to report
Ali: Oh no, is my spray tan coming off?
Chirs: Oh God no, you still look fierce baby. But we do have a douchebag alert on aisle 2.
Ali: (Silence)….Eye balls popping out of her head
Chris: Let me make a call on this strange device they call a land line. One of your former castmates, Jessie (you know the girl who never said anything) well she’s talking now and knows Rated R has girlfriend back home.
Ali: (Eyeballs still popping out of head)

[ring, ring…ring…ring…ring…ring…ring…..for god sake pick up already, Ali’s eyeballs are hanging on by a thread]

Jessie: Hello (in a casual voice as if she has no clue who’s calling)
Chris: Jessie, this is Chris Harrison. I have Ali here and she would like to use her lifeline.
Jessie: Hi Ali, it’s me Jessie, remember me? We were both fighting for that loser Jake and he picked Vienna over us. Well at least they’re happy together. Oops. Anyway, back to the topic. Funny enough I have a Rated R’s girlfriend here (it’s a small world after all...) and she wants to chit chat.

Rated R’s bitch: Hi (sniff sniff) Ali (sniff sniff). Rated R and I have been banging for years now, we’re in love, we’re getting married. I’m going to have his babies. They’re names are going to be Rated S, T & L. But he’s doing this to get famous because he has no talent of his own. Oh and btw he has another girlfriend, it’s the ring girl (sniff sniff sniff). I’m so sorry, at first I thought it was OK to have him go on a dating show and pretend like he likes you. Yes, at first it made SO much sense. But then after Rated R called me 100 times a day I realized that he’s crazy and maybe this was not a good idea…yeah.. maybe not so good. I’m so sorry, but wanna hang out when you get back and we’ll get a mani and pedi?
Ali: (Eyeballs back inside sockets after realizing she didn’t give a crap about this guy anyway) Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry you’ve had the unfortunate experience of knowing him the last couple years..he's scary...strange...and he needs a new wrestling name asap. Peace out!

And with that you can see the fire in Ali’s eyes. She storms off to the guys room and doesn’t even hesitate for a second. Lines them up (release the firing squad, they have those in Turkey right?) and starts in on him.

You can tell a lot about someone by the way they respond to a situation and his response spoke volumes. (Am I channeling Mother Teresa or something?)

Annnnnnnnd he’s off. Grabs his passport and wallet and he’s down the hall, in the lobby, climbing over waterfalls, over hedges, limping faster than he’s ever limped before (how much is he HATING his broken leg right now!). he’s a bird, he’s a plane… no he’s pathetic. Camera loses him, Ali’s yelling obscenities. Where’s Waldo? We lose him. And then he’s found. He limps over to Ali and sits there with his head down, no eye contact and says…..uhhuhh, stutter, stutter….she’s not my giiiirrrrllllll (stutter) frrieeennnndd. Actually I don’t even know what he was saying; I wasn’t even listening to him at that point. He needed to stop while he was ahead. He was making Tiger look like an honest man.
At that point Ali should have given him a donkey, a life vest and sent him on his way. Happy trails...to you....

Voicemail playing in the background while he was making his great escape from Alcatraz. Priceless. There was more emotion in the Gettysburg Address then the crap that was coming out of his mouth to his girlfriend or friend, whoever she was (rolling eyes). It was as if he was reading off a teleprompter. Well at least we know he doesn’t have that going for him either.

Survey says - Rated career/love life over.

Moral of the story: The truth shall set you free or pin you up against the wall and make you look like a sociopath. I think Jesse James is looking for a friend these days, I’ll hook you two up.

Too bad too because Kasey could have had one more day in paradise. But then again he would have probably looked like Rated R’s new BFF (man that guy gets around) by then and god forbid would have recorded a whole album already. Can’t believe I’m saying this but thank you Rated R, thank you for saving the day and my ears one limp at a time.

Enough with him and his shananagans. (woah I sound like my grandma) Now back to real life. Ali has a fiancé to hunt down.

One on one date with Ty. “Let’s get steamy and tie (so clever) each other up”

Ali’s waiting in the city for Ty, looking slightly like a butch lesbian in that vest and collar shirt and Ty shows up wearing a Mercedes Benz emblem looking thing around his neck. WTF was that?

One word on their date. Awesome. The Turkish bath was pretty amazing, the architecture, the history, the massaging going on between them. Heaven! Ty I don’t know if it’s the architecture I’m falling in love with or you? Where did you come from? My mind is definitely playing tricks on me. And your ears don’t even look big anymore. Ok it must be love. And yes he’s planning their honeymoon already. What?! And wait, he’s been married? What, what?! When did I miss that one? Oh well, at least he got the first one out of the way. I think divorced men are like a good pair of broken in shoes. You don’t even want to put them on right away because you know they’re too stiff and will hurt you. You need one that has walked around a little and is broken in already. Better they mess up with the first one then with you and then they’re ready to go, for real. Unless of course that person got divorced because. she. Gulp. worked? Wait, women work? They’re not barefoot and preggers in the kitchen? I see a red flag emerging from behind the clouds (weatherman you should have warned us). Remember I am the relationship expert. I’m just saying...Ali will not be ok with Ty holding back her free spirit. But hey, I think Jake is available now and if I remember correctly he told us 100 times how traditional he was. I mean he did pick Virginia, I mean Vienna.

Group Date:
Chris (finally don’t need to use his last name anymore)
Craig
Roberto
Kirk

Olive Oil Wresting? Are you kidding? This is my dream date. The Olive Oil, not the wrestling. I loooooooooooooove Olive Oil. For once I’m not joking people. Oh and side note ladies. Olive oil is a great face and hair mask. It works wonders. Back to this blog, the beauty blog will be the next endeavor. Rated single, you’re so pissed you missed this one aren’t you?

“I fight with words not my body”. I do too Craig, it’s called being a bitch.

Craig 1, Chris 0
Roberto 1, Kirk 0

Salsa vs. the electric slide. And the electric slide prevails!
Not much to say on their date, it was fun for Ali...like it’s fun to hang out with your brother...you know...

Next one on one date with Full of Feelings Franky.

They start their date off with a little shopping and Frank is just so happy to be with Ali he would even try on a ridiculous hat and does not care. Or better yet buy a rug. I’m not going to buy it, I’m not going to buy it, I’m not, I’m not, I’m not. Ok fine. Will you roll it up for me? He will need it to fly back to the U.S. when he gets scared and runs away. (hey that’s what the previews are showing us) And since he's such a nice guy he'll pick up Rated R and his donkey, and then swing by Iceland to dig Kasey out of the glacier. He’s still lying there trying to figure out what he did? Was it his singing? Couldn’t be the tattoo. Nope. Not that.

They arrive at their destination for dinner and in the words of ex bachelor Jason “Amazing”. Dude, not fair, I’d even fall in love with Ali there. So romantic, the candles, the water, the architecture. Ali, there's something I need to tell you...

So like Moses they walk through the water and get to their dinner. Frank and Ali are all smiles (I’m sure the wine has nothing to do with it) and Frank says he feels out of touch with his feelings. Let’s see. Artsy, creative, emotional….can we say Pisces?? (Meanwhile the drips of water in the background are making me have to pee) Frank, I have to say, I love your vulnerability. Keep it up. (Fist pump) Oh no, Ali starts up with Frank has the potential to break her heart. But she gives him the rose and her vajayjay (oops that’s for later).

Rose ceremony and cocktail party. Siiiiiiiike. She already knows who’s being fired, no need to bs, just get to the point.

6 guys, 5 roses, who will stay, who will go? (I’ve been dying to say that. Wow need to get out more)

Ty and Franky Panky have roses so first rose goes to...
Roberto. Now put the rose in your mouth and do the Tango.

Second rose goes to...
Chris (you look beautiful btw, he tells her. Awww, ok here’s 2 roses for you)

Final rose goes to...
Kirk - they haven’t made out in a while, what’s going on?

Sorry Craig, don’t think you can argue or wrestle your way out of this one. You know we’re getting serious now when she walks him out. He’s the first. The next one to be walked out will stop half way before they get to the limo and take a seat on a strategically placed bench in the middle of a rainforest or desert, wherever they may be.

Poor guy, he honestly looked really sad. Don’t worry dude, once again you’re 27, in man years that’s like 14. Just go on match and bang some chicks, you’ll bounce back. Ohhh and he doesn’t even get a limo, he gets a minivan. Who’s driving? Weatherman why do you keep popping up?

Off to Portugal they go, living the dream and guarding and protecting Ali’s heart one country at a time.

Credits:
I would like to thank the $3.99 bottle of Trader Joes Pinot Grigio for making all of the above words possible.

Don’t cry for me Argentina....

...unless you’re Roberto then please, please cry...in espanol...and don’t stop!

I’m all about men showing emotion, however, (comma) please have a real reason otherwise you just look like a pansy. Yup, I said pansy.

First date was with Roberto, I wanna salsa with you, Cavalli. Yummy, I’ll take 2 to go please.

The date starts off with you know, typical helicopter action picking you up. In all seriousness, ok not really serious at all, it’s unfortunate that more guys don’t watch the Bachelorette because they really need to step it up a notch with dates now. Gone are the days when the guy comes to pick you up at your house in his Honda. Nowadays, if Mr. date man doesn’t pick us up in his helicopter and float us through the sky like a magic carpet ride as we overlook the Hollywood sign we’re thinking...he’s just not that into us for sure. (kidding, all normal men please continue to apply.)

Back to the low-key first date. The helicopter drops them off on top of a building and they have to walk across a tight rope in order to get their dinner. (Once again, normal.) All I want to know is what producer paid Ali to say “Are you ready to fall for me” before they started walking the line. Barf. So cheesy, I definitely needed some wine with that.

I was however very impressed with Roberto’s smoooooothness of kissing her in the middle of the tight rope. Note to men, if you want to ensure that the girl is going to be putty in your arms please follow these simple rules:
1) Make sure to kiss her 1000 ft up in the air. Definitely the way to lock her in emotionally. Cha-ching!
2) Do the good ‘ol hug around the back, arms around you and say (as you are watching an incredible sunset) “I really hope to watch a lot more of these with you.”

Ok Roberto, you win, I’m falling for you! Roberto 50 pts. all other guys currently zero.

Pssst, Ali the back of your bra was showing during your date.

First group date begins with the following specimens:
Kirk
John C
Chris
Frank
Jonathan
Rated R
Jesse
Chris L
Craig
...Come rock Ali’s world...

Before I begin the group date did anyone else hear Kasey in his interview? He did NOT just say I would love to show Ali my voice a little bit (regarding singing) ummmmm, are my ears clean? Who else picked up on that? (Deer in headlights look)

Barenaked. Ladies. Are they still alive? It’s kinda like a child star doing a slim shake commercial. Capital A for Awkward? Yes, no? So as they are making a music video for their comeback. Or maybe they never even left? I have no idea.

I think there was a little foreshadowing with John C. Poor little gay man, he was the only one that did not have any contact with Ali. Classic. John I love you, let’s go shopping but you got that scene because you’re gay. Pass it on.

The weatherman, WTF! Houston we have a problem on many levels.

First, what was that whale like/mating call sound that came out of your mouth, or nose. I’m not even sure. Once again if you DVR’d it go back when you are having a bad day and replay. It will be sure to make you laugh, and snot may even come out of your nose if your lucky.

Second, poor guy couldn’t even kiss her and he cries. Ali felt so bad that the guys were laughing she had to take charge. (red flag #34234234. Last time I checked Ali was looking for a dude not a chick. Her having to take charge of the situation…..Roberto 50, Weatherman -10. Oops forgot the mating call noise. Weatherman -20.) Third, weatherman once again TMI. Rocket ship? Explosion? What, in your pants? Gross, gross, gross. -85

Not much else to say about the really cool music video other than Kirk (is that his name?) and Ali missed the memo and thought they were making a porn. I almost wanted to pause to get a bag of popcorn. After party (at hotel lobby) continues with the makeout session in the hot tub (hot tub makeout session reminds me of my girl Jillian, cheers to my homegirl. Hope her and Eddie magic pants are doing well).

So the Rose for that evening goes to drumroll...
Ron Jeremy, I mean Kirk. Kirk, please accept this rose and use it as the set decoration in our next porn. Btw, have they ever even talked? Or just kissed? Oh well, whatever makes you happy Ali, I’m just here for the entertainment.

Ok, I have to be honest, I’m torn. I really can’t decide if Rated R just crossed over into stalkervilleland (please stay for a while and boil some bunnies) or if that was a good move on his part. I’m gonna say, hmmmm...way to tap into the nostalgia with the pictures of the fam. Rated R is now PG-13, please stay tuned with more to come on this character.

Back at the ranch the date card comes for Hunter. Ali picks him up in her oversized, non flattering T-shirt. Clearly she is excited about this one. On the date Hunter basically tells Ali, you go out, bring home the Bacon and I’ll stay home and wipe the kid’s butts. Yeah, that went over well. Ali was so bored in the hot tub she’s playing “ping-pong in her head” (Flashman original).

Not much else happened on the date, besides the crickets chirping in the background so I’ll just get to the most dramatic moment. Ali to Hunter: “I don’t think there is a strong romantic connection. But thank you for being so great.” Ohhh low blow to Hunter. Please leave your balls at the door, do not pass go and do not collect $200. Thank you for flying Ali Airlines. To top it off Ali kicked him where it counts again at the Rose ceremony as she toasts “to Hunter” basically for being a loser. Aww Hunter I think you’re swell. Oops just punched you a third time. Damn.

Only thing really worth mentioning at the cocktail party was Kasey calling PG-13 creepy. Let me get this right, HE called HIM creepy?? (Insert crickets in background from Ali and Hunters date)

Final roses go to:
Chris L
Jesse (thank you for dressing up for the occasion, didn’t mean to bother you when you were laying drywall)
Chris N (Who are you and how did you get here?)
Ty (ditto)
Kasey
Frank (passion fruit)
Weatherman (what? total sympathy card there)
PG-13
Craig R. (red speedo man)

And it turns out the Village people don’t get a rose (Steve and John C.) Sorry guys, see you in Miami. Let’s meet up at Dash.

What we learned this week: There is a God and Ali has CRAZY eyes. I’m scared. Hold me.

Episode 2 started with a new cameraman, clearly. Anyone else feel like they were watching Blair Witch Project? I got a little motion sickness but nothing a bottle of wine couln't cure. (Hope my trainer didn't read that).

The 1st one-on-one date was with Mr. I’m so passionate Frank who we come to find out is a “Manager of a retail store” meaning he works at Charlotte Russe. Hey, I’m not judging…just calling it like it is. Ali jumps up and down excited for her first date o’passion in her lucky yellow top. And in customary Bachelorette fashion all the men bid farewell to Ali and her first victim looking like they just greased their bodies with a jar of KY.

So, Ali and passion fruit are on their date when low and behold the car breaks down. Thank God out of all the guys on the show she is in the car with the guy who wrote the book on how to be a Metrosexual - don’t think Mr. artsy farsty is checking the hood anytime soon. The car breaks down on the freeway and they decide to ditch it and skip their way into a taxi. All I’m saying is next time my car breaks down on the 405 I’m gonna do the same thing and I know that when I return 1) it will be there (in one piece) 2) The engine will be fixed. Yes again, there is a GOD! Phew

I have to point out that I love(sarcasm) how Ali says “Frank just went with it” referring to how he went with the flow when the car broke down. Earth to Ali…you are on a TV show, the guy didn’t have to do more than burp for a taxi to show up and remember there is a God, so the car will magically be fixed by the time you guys are ready to make out on the hood. Please have more common sense than to judge how he will react in real life. Oh wait. This is real life. I forgot. You’re good. Frank, I don’t know how to fix your tank, is your man.

One last thing about Mr. Poisonberry passion. He says it’s the best first date of his life. No shit. You’re on the Bachelorette. We can replace Ali with Shrek and it would probably still be the best first date of your life. Sorry, Mr. Wet Seal, I’m sure that after your date you went back to your room and made a vision board with Ali’s picture on it. Can tooooootally see you doing that.

So far Frank hearts Ali. Ali finds him exciting, new, fresh, not obsessed with his career like she was. Everything she wants to be… but can’t. So, for now she will lead him around like a puppy. But what the hell do I know? Last time I checked I wasn’t the relationship master so moving on...

Sexy guy Calendar photo shoot. Log onto ABC.COM to purchase yours now. (barf) but it is for charity so do it! I already bought mine. It’s hanging on my wall and I stare at it as I play “On the wings of love”, gets me in the mood every time.


So much to say about this photo shoot but I will summarize:

1) Newsflash: weatherman admits he has a small package. (Between him and Shooter, where did they get these guys?!?!)
2) OMG to Craig R. in his red speedo. If you DVR'd it. Replay, it's worth it!
3)Guitar boy. sorry dude, but you weren’t even that good.
4)Craig M.= stranger danger. More to come on this public service announcement

Ok so we’re done with the Chippendales for now and move on to Ali and Jesse’s date in Vegas. Classy. I don’t know…usually the whole contractor/construction worker thing does it for me but I’m not feeling Jesse. Not one bit. Ali however is and I really don’t have much more to say about that considering I’m not sure how much he has going on upstairs. Surprise us Jesse. Show us you’re wicked smaaaat or at least let me see you in a tool belt then I will decide.

Next up, something new and exciting happened. Weatherman gets bullied by Craig M. Waterboy, I mean weatherboy WE GET IT. You don’t like Craig M. Enough. I’m exhausted from you already.

Cocktail party/rose ceremony highlight:

Ali got major points in my book for calling Craig M. out on his loco-ness! That was a total Danielle move, no bullshit. I love it! Oh wait, this blog is not about me. Go Ali go.


Rose ceremony:

OK, I think I have all the guys that got a rose...honestly, I don’t even really know...so far it’s kinda a snoozefest and these guys are making the ones on Jdate look good. Scary. Oy.

And here we go...
Kasey (voice?) someone please tell me if there is something seriously wrong before I make fun of him because I don’t want God to punish me and the weatherman told me there is a God.
Hunter
Roberto (how do you say shocker in espanol?)
Chris L (yay)
Rated R
Steve (who are you?)
Kirk
Jon C. (Once again, I hate to be the one to tell you…but you’re gay. Sorry buddy you just are.)
Craig R (Red Speedo man)
Chris N (who are you as well?)
Weather man

Sorry to Tyler. But you’re 25. You’ll bounce back.

Craig M. you’re gross and a bully. I think the producers should have shaved your head and watched you cry like a baby.

Umm think someone else went, but I don’t even know who you are...sorry. I’m sure you’re great just like Craig M.

And there you have it. Episode 2 in a nutshell, but definitely not the weatherman's nuts.

This seasons drinking phrase =

"I gave up my job, my apt. I gave up everything to find love." Take a shot every time Ali says that and you will be wasted 20 minutes into each show. cheers!