If those are not the words of a man in love, I just don’t know what is. Props to Jake’s mother. She must have been proud of his performance last night.
Let’s be honest, how could we possibly sit through Ali making out in castles when we have a Vienna and Jake showdown to watch! Stop making this the BEST most DRAMATIC episode ever!
Two (and a half) things I never thought I would say:
1)I believe Vienna
a)Jake is DISGUSTING.
2)Ali you dodged a huge
Once upon a time...there was a girl named Ali, not sure if you’ve heard of her. She’s just been on this show for the last 5 weeks or so minding her biznatch until Jake shows back up and steals her thunder. Such a “fame whore” he is. Did you not feel manly enough dancing around in spandex on DWTS’s that you had to sashay back into our lives reinforcing your manhood with your clenched jaw and suppressed anger? Jake, do us a favor go fly over the Bermuda Triangle and look for Amelia Earhart. She’s the only one I know that will put up with your On The Wings of Love theme song.
And then there were “five men Ali could see a future with.” Really, because I see only 2, maybe 3 if I squint hard enough. This week there will be no roses on the dates, Chris says (and he is the God of the Bachelorette world). SO no roses, they’ll just drag some guy by the balls for a little bit longer. Yay for teamwork!
The five suitors run into their new dorm room and Ty, the liberal democrat, finds the first date card. (Yes people, there’s a brain between those ears). Oh that was mean, and uncalled for. I’m sorry Ty, I’ll get back to work on your casserole.
Date numero uno with Enrique Iglesias.
“Be the king of my castle” Is that a euphemism for your who-ha?? Wait, what the heck is a euphemism anyway? Oh no, now I sound like Vienna.
Poly-o-graph anyone?
Meanwhile Full of Fear Frank calls the date cute and romantic. Someone get him a snuggie, he’s looking to cuddle.
Back to the date.
After their improv photo shoot (cute, huh?) Ricky Martin grabs her passionately and swirls her around like he just dipped her in chocolate. Wait for it….he hears the music….the beat takes over him….he breaks out into the salsa in the middle of the street. Apparently, he can’t control himself; the music is running through his Latin blood. Oh please! Who actually (when cameras are not rolling) stops to dance in the middle of the street. He was basically humping her leg while whispering Español into her ear. Ok, you win. That would work for me.
After the trolley ride of the city, which they missed because they were making out the whole time, oh no worries though, like Ali said it’s just like San Francisco. Yes Lisbon, Portugal is just like San Francisco, they end up on what looks like the Great Wall of China. She makes him a cracker (yes I said, makes him a cracker) and says, this is the only thing I’ll ever make. Ty, did you hear that? Just making sure.
Suave tells her a bunch of pretty good lines
(judges, your totals please….we give him a 9.3)
all of which turn her natural spray tan (oxymoron?) into a luminous red glow. Poof! Just like that she morphed into the Kool Aid Kid. Well she is closer to Jesus being that high up on those steps, so that could have something to do with it. All I know is you're turning violet, violet.
As if he hasn’t had enough cheese (both going in and out of his mouth) he spews out some line of never having been with a woman like Ali. Music stops. Double take. What? Roberto, you’re hot. How is this possible? Where have you been looking? Iceland?
Next scene camera zooms into the fraternity house and Frank is holding a family meeting, probably to talk about his feelings. Again. When low and behold God (Chris?) knocks at the door and a new date card appears.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Jake.
Jake who?
Exactly.
Two on one date (no, not like that. This is a family show)
Frank and Ty, “let’s find our future in the past.” Frank leaves us with profound words of wisdom, “this absolutely sucks” That was deep. Almost as deep as the black hole this show is falling into.
Date starts off with typical helicopter action. Yawn, this is getting old, can we try something new perhaps a Teradactyl or something? Can we learn to train our dragons? Anything but a helicopter, that’s so 2009. They land at a castle where she tells them this was a gift from a king to his queen, (clearing throat). Translation, a diamond is just not gonna cut it guys, I demand a castle on my hand as well. Start digging boys.
What we find out on the date(s). Let me break it down for you.
1)It “tickles” Ty's pickle that she has ambitions and goals in life (I think he’s been stuck in Iceland with Roberto for too long)
2)Frank is really close with his family. So close that he still sleeps in his parents bed. Really? Who the heck thought he made enough money working as the Manager of Forever 21 to live on his own?
3)He wears a creepy thumb ring. Take that off immediately. You’re gonna give me nightmares.
BTW, of course Ali doesn’t care that Franky lives at home. She wears the pants anyway so he’ll just move in with her and Ty and be a stay at home mom for the both of them.
Date #3
Kirk, once upon a time……there was a princess who kissed a million frogs but still thought none of them liked her. Yay for confidence 101. Kasey is the teacher and will be giving free tattoos after completion of the course.
First half of date I fell asleep. Then Ken doll showed up in his canary yellow button down and Ali appeared sporting her starched (and I mean starched) white blazer that was about as stiff as Jake in part 2 of this drama filled show, I must have died and rolled off the boat from Nantucket. Muffy, tennis match at 3:00? Thank you daling, in the meantime I will continue to shove my entire face in Ali’s mouth, in the hopes that she will meet my tonsils and parents.
Date #4
Chris it’s your time to shine...Love get’s better with age. And hopefully your sexual chemistry with Ali. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Ok, so what if Chris can’t ride a horse or a moped? All that matters is that he can ride Ali...that is if they ever make it past the handshake phase. Wow, when did I become so aggressive? I’ve regressed into a prepubescent boy. Scary.
Biker Chris attempts (oh bless his heart) to man the moped but instead looks like a giraffe learning to walk. He’s going 5 mph, meanwhile my grandma and her walker are making circles around them, and yet he’s still afraid he’s gonna kill the Bachelorette. Chris, seriously step. It. Up!
Finally, his shell is starting to crack...humpty dumpty sat on the wall...and he gives her a gift. Aww, that was sweet. Even though it was slightly (that’s putting it nicely) awkward watching you kiss Ali not to mention talk in fragments. We. Will. Keep. You. Around. A. little. Longer. But. Please. Drink. A. bottle. Of. Wine. It. Has. To. Help. Or. I. will. Because. I. can’t. watch. You. be. nervous. anymore.
It just feels strange, and I’m uncomfortable. Do you need to practice on me a little?
Final Rose Ceremony
Customary guilt speech before she gives out the final roses...I really appreciate you being here, yadda, yadda, but I’m about to dump your ass...yadda yadda...
Here we go.
First rose goes to:
Chris. Please accept this rose and bottle/barrel of wine.
Next rose goes to:
Frank and his parents. Can’t wait to see your star wars bed sheets
Third rose goes to:
Roberto, because well, let’s face it. You’re hot. And Ali wants to pretend like she’s Cinderella for just a little bit longer. I don’t blame her. Giddy up girl!
Final Rose goes to:
Kirk
Oh Ty, it just wouldn’t have worked out. Ali has goals in life (well she did. Before she left her job at facebook) and in the long run, I just don’t see her carrying around the confederate flag. Would have cramped her style.
And there you have it, this weeks 2 hour, oops, hour and a half Bachelorette. We’re sorry we interrupt this regularly scheduled broadcast to bring you a real dose of reality.
This is the true story... (true story) of two strangers... picked to live in a bubble...make out and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being fake... and start getting real...Real World, Bachelorette style.
Nice transition Chris. One minute Ali is in dreamland, next minute enter happy newlyweds Jake and Vienna.
Popcorns popped, and here we go.
In one corner we have Jake - the man, the myth, the closet homosexual. Sporting a tan that makes George Hamilton look pale, he graces us with his presence and unbuttoned shirt (I just threw up in my mouth) while adorning an obnoxious smirk as if he’s hiding something (what could that be? Perhaps the strings you’ve attached to Vienna’s implants as if she’s a marionette?)
He starts off with the following lines, “you know what MAN” Ummm classy Jake. No, MAN, I don’t know what? Why don’t you tell us or better yet just keep acting like the control freak from Sleeping With The Enemy in the meantime. That speaks for itself.
(Crap, brb)
Phew, Ok all good. Had to straighten my bathroom towels…scared he might come over and yell at me.
Jake starts off talking about how the relationship went downhill. Dude, was it ever up? Ew, please don’t answer that.
Enter little Bo Peep and then awkward game of musical chairs as Jake circles around her like he’s honing in on his prey. I just wanted to stop the music right there, to see who would push who down first for the seat. Anyway, could that seating arrangement be any smaller? Next time, try a couch instead of a love seat especially if they’re breaking up...just sayyyyiiiiinngggg.
We come to find out the “love” only lasted for 1 month, then he turned into R2D2. Actually, scratch that, R2 has more heart and soul than he does. Did anyone else find him possessed? He seriously gave me chills. And yes, pigs now have wings because for once I actually believed Vienna. That poor girl is never going to work at Hooters again; she’s terrified of men now. Jake you managed to stay single for thirty something years, then you turn you ex-fiancé into a lesbian. Is that at all related to your attempt to figure out your own sexuality? I’m just wondering. I do have a couple guys for you..Oh F that. I forgot you’re an emotional abuser who likes to project your suppressed anger onto everyone else. Sorry “man” no chicks or d*cks for you.
I think (for moral reasons of course) that I should tell you all about my other profession. I’m actually a trained therapist, yes it’s true, so here’s my professional diagnosis of Jake:
Asshole
(clearly, with a small pecker)
That sums it up. Thank god for years of schooling.
You know...it’s always the quiet ones that you have to be careful of...He makes Kasey look like the best catch! Kasey, call me. Hope your tattoo is healing. So is my heart.
Alright, that was enough fluff, I’m just gonna lay it all out. Jake if you ever read this, (because I hear you’re into tabloids and blogs) please take note and check yourself into the psych ward immediately. Better yet, fly your ass on over to Promises, isn’t it a rehab place for B list celebrities? You’re for sure gonna start drinking soon, your downward spiral starts riiiiiight. Now.
Dearest Jake,
I have some news for you, you are a control + freak= control freak. Thank you for showing the world your true colors in your subtle (and not so subtle ways). You’re right, Vienna was toooootally emasculating you when she wanted to re-measure the dresser. No dude, it’s called being a woman, we love to decorate. Deal with it. I hope I never have to see your face on e-harmony especially that creepy smirk of yours and don’t worry I’m working on Kirk’s dad adding you to his basement collection. Please check yourself, before you wreck yourself. (Wtf did I even mean by that?)
Sincerely,
some random chick that hopefully will never end up on a plane that you’re flying.
...But, if for some reason I do, did I mention this was all a joke and you’re my hero. (Dear God, I hate flying and will fear it even more if Jake is ever my pilot. Let’s hope I have a good dose of Xanax if that day ever comes...and for my friends that have seen me fly on horse tranquilizers..oh yes, that’s a good time had by all)
I’m gonna end with this. If Jake is any indication of the type of men who are single. Then please just drive me to the nearest sperm bank. Hello, party of hopefully not Octuplets.
