Here's to Frank and Nicole. May your love for each other be as consistent as Frank's emotions. (Ali who?)

Let me get this straight. LA, NYC, Iceland (Hi Kasey), Turkey, Portugal, LA, Tampa (sounds so exotic), Cape Cod, Wisconsin (Green Bay is great, I was just joking last week), Chicago, LA, back to Chicago (thanks Frank) and Tahiti. Hmmmm…..Recession my ass. I don’t care if this is “reality” or Candyland, I want in on this recession free world they play in. Send in the caviar Muffy, Buffy is pouring the champagne…

Back in LA Chris (L.) (as opposed to Chris (Z?) says, “it seems like just yesterday I was 1 out of 25 guys in the house.” Newsflash. It was. And now you’re in love. That’s how we roll around here.

Now it’s Roberto’s turn and we get to see that he too can fold and pack his own bag. Look Ma, I’m a big kid now. Cue cool jazz summer mix in background. “Ali is unlike any women I’ve ever met.” Liar, liar, pants on fire. Why do I get the feeling that you've probably banged all the Miami dolphin cheerleaders by now? In any case, goooooo team!

Alrighty, so moving on.

Care Bear Staaaaare! (btw: that was Frank’s emotions bursting at the seams). “Something is holding me back” Love-a-lot Bear says. Could it be your cardigan and scoop neck wife beater? No. It’s his ex-girlfriend Nicole. Boo-yah! And who is Nicole we all wonder? Weren’t you just crying over and confessing your love for Ali? Nicole we come to find out is the last girl he dated before he came out to find his wife…fiancé….girlfriend….errrr…..replacement girlfriend? Girl in waiting? Something like that...

But wait, it really does get better. Frankie tells us he has feelings for 2 girls. (5 second time out). When did this become The Bachelor!? Apparently this is Frank’s world and we’re just living in it? Hope it’s the recession free one at least.

Next up on the Frank and Nicole show we follow his fragile and confused little heart to Chicago (who paid for that one I’d like to know?) and watch with his “heart in his throat and stomach at his feet” Sounds like a game of operation if you ask me. This is going to be the most “pivotal moment in my life.” he says. Bravo, bravo, and the Emmy goes to... Frank for most dramatic and draining contestant ever.

Here we go. Let the games begin…

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Frank
ohhhh this is gonna be good. Frank who?
Frank with my full of sh*t tank.

Nicole opens the door. Right off the bat since I’ve turned into a dude. Nicole 6 (hmmm no, she had the really weird eye popping thing going on and that reminded me of a pug)
Nicole 5.3
Ali 9.

I'm on team blondie this time. Clearly Frank needs to swing a visit to Costco and get a new eye prescription because he tells us (and this is news to him too of course) that he’s “in love” with Nicole. Ummmmm wow, this is awkward. I bet Ali didn’t know she’d be competing against Weatherman’s sister. Totally. Strange. But somehow I get over it until she drops the “you complete me card”. Really? I thought we were so over Jerry Maguire. Are you going to tell us next how much the human head weighs? And just like that the happy couple is back together again. See, who said the Bachelorette didn't work miracles?

Nicole, will you accept this cactus? I can't look at roses anymore.

Frank: I need you to support me. I “HAVE” (kicking and screaming….stomping his foot like Michelle Tanner* before Olsen twins morphed into lollipops) to go to Tahiti.

Way to take one for the team Frank. Makes so much sense to fly 27 hours, dump her, then fly back another 25 (yay jet stream). Yes Frank, if you must here are your first class tickets.

Commercial break:
Today class, we are going to talk about lessons learned. Attention ladies, never trust a “retail manager” who “lived” (for 2 weeks….psst Frank we usually call that a vacay….but if it makes you feel better…) in Paris and was overly (understatement) emotional about EVERYTHING. We should have known Frank, we should have known the minute you befriended Kasey.

Welcome to Tahiti
Island of Tuthahthhautha (God bless you)

Ali: “I have 3 amazing guys”
oops…..oh poor thing doesn’t know what’s about to smack her in the face…..wait, didn’t you do the same thing to Jake? Hate to say it Blondie but Karma is a b*tch. What goes around…comes around…..including the STD’s you, Roberto, and Chris are all sharing. Aww, that’s special. Maybe you could all get a tattoo?

Dream Date #1 with Roberto (the man of many words, he must have been a communications major)

Roberto runs over to Ali who’s wearing Frank’s wife beater and (possibly?) his yellow bathing suit as well as a starfish on her hand (she’s prepping for her big rock…building finger muscles). Time for more helicopter action. Although I thought we established that we were done with helicopters and moving onto bigger and better things. Doesn’t Falkor live on that island anyway? Can’t we take him out for a spin?

Oh btw, Ali loves loves flying now. Jake did you hear that? This could be good since rumor has it that you’re both single now. (FYI, no spoilers here, hate that. Just watch the show people, right? But, I love me a good rumor or two). I see a sequel in the making. The Bachelor part Douche - On the wings (and ass) of love.

Where were we? Oh yes, heart shaped island and a picnic. That’s nice. Yellow top…and pink bikini bottoms. Not so nice. Do your other bottoms not look good? Just asking because I always mix and match depending on my bloated days, looks like I’m not the only one. OMG we're so bff(aeae...).

Camera shows them swimming in the water (I’m jealous, not even gonna try and fake it. Beam me up Scotty I want to go there) and not sure if they’re having sex or not…sorry to interrupt but I’m begining to feel like a third wheel.

So life with Roberto, what would that be like? Never short of romance (and salsa dancing) just short of conversation since he’s still learning how to speak English apparently. What? He never talks. I'm just saying. And no, I don't work for the state of Arizona.

Dinner time.

Ali: Can you see us together?
Roberto: In the future?
Me: no, in the past, dumbass. Fine you’re hot, you can get away with it.
Roberto: something something something blah, blah, something…….I tend to close off. (RED FLAG, Penalty, run Forrest run) ummm, perhaps it was the SIX wine glasses on the table? For the love of God, who the heck was drinking with you guys? Do you travel with your own mariachi band?

Special delivery. What's this? Roberto asks as if he’s NEVER seen the show. Oh COME ON! Puuuullleease! Suave, you know what it is, just go with it. Save the acting for Frank.

Dearest Roberto and Ali,
In case you decide to forgo your individual rooms please use this key and condom (no baby shower before wedding folks, we are very traditional here) to unlock your fantasy suite. Roberto we know how you like to be the macho man so we left a WWF outfit in the closet. Enjoy and go for a homerun slugger.
- Your bestie Chris (Harrison, not L.)


Side note: Did anyone else catch Ali say “you’re soaking wet”? Ewww, earmuffs children!

Score: Definitely a homerun.

Date #2 with America’s Sweetheart. (No, not Britney Spears, the other one.)

After an early morning walk of shame she quickly throws on Milley Cyrus’ skirt and runs over to Chris trying to block out her night in Tahiti….on the island of thuhahahhaithiati….with Roberto…..the Latin lover. Sure. Totally easy to forget about. So much so that I’M still imagining it. Ok, back the show.

Finally, I see friendship AND romance on their date, oh how he just makes me smile. Fragments. And. All. They jump on a boat, frolic in the water and swim to their private island. However, this one isn’t shaped like a heart, just an ovary. But before they arrive to land, we are lucky enough to have a split screen of them as Ali’s legs are wrapped around his waist and together they walk, no, they trudge through the water like some sort of mythical creature. Part man, part woman, part Dentist bracelet.

After her skirt magically swims to shore, (Milley!) they go looking for pearls…oh I’m not even gonna go there. You so want me to folks but I’m not. Let it be known, I’ve matured since last week. Yes I have. So Ali and her pearl necklace (oops) say, “OMG, it’s like a black pearl” phew, rest assured, she’s not color blind. Wait, then I’m still trying to figure out what that yellow and pink bathing suit set was all about?

Ali clearly feels comfortable with Chris so much so that she decides to roll on over to dinner in her PJ’s. Way to dress up girlfriend, you could have at least worn the jumpsuit kind with feet. I hear he’s into that kind of thing. Two words. Easy Access. One zip on the whole thing would have been off. Sometimes it’s good to plan ahead.

Dinner is going well, lots of drunk smiles and giggles (with 4 less wine glasses though this time) when low and behold she pulls a letter out of her crotch. This island is just filled with tons of magic kids. Chris, we learn, took the same acting class as Roberto. “There’s a fantasy suite?” he says, but for some reason we believe him, right? And his response was just too. darn. cute.

“Yes, I love this girl 100%, I just don’t know how to describe it.” Pssst, you just did. Oy, THEN he drops the soul-mate card. I thought you were leaving that one in your back pocket with the ring, Chris? Looks like you came too early. Oops, she’s back. Ok I don’t know about you, but I 'like' really felt him talking to me there. Oh Chris (L.), time to shut the privacy curtains. Roberto who?

Score: definitely third base at least and maybe a homerun but he probably said something like I respect you yadda yadda and think we should wait. Oh, that’s my Cape Cod boy!


Date (errrrr, dump) #3

Ok before we begin please follow me in a couple of sun salutations, that’s right down dog, up dog. Feel the flow, release the emotions, and breathe in through your nose out through your mouth (like darth vador). Now in Savasana (my favorite pose) please join me Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmm. Namaste.

Thank you, I needed that before I dealt with Frank and his CRAZY EFFING emotions. (we’re almost done with him, don’t worry, phew).I don't even smoke and I already need a cigarette.

Frank calls in the Dali Lama to have a 'talk' and help him sort out his thoughts (good luck and may the Schwartz be with you). He tells us he over thinks and over analyzes things, oh and he’s very good at that. (no, not you Frank Footer, I can't imagine you doing that).

Two things:
1)At least you’re not in denial Fancy pants. It’s a first step towards recovery.
2)I don’t think I like you without your glasses. Did you leave them in Nicole’s bed?

So Chris lays on the Jewish guilt, I swear I didn’t teach him, and says, “she’s crazy about you.”
ummmm, nope, doesn’t even work. He recovers with “oh that’s cool and all but I feel like I can spend the rest of my life with Nicole. I hope I’m right"

HOPE? You HOPE you’re right? (shaking head back and forth) Oh Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear, I had such high hopes for you. Scratch that, no I didn’t. Ok we’re done.

Now that is what I call being “sideswiped” swooooooosh. Just like that, out of nowhere, when you least expect it (sorta) he drops a bomb like Hiroshima. Well, I don’t know about you but I just feel like I went through a breakup. Pass the bon bons please.

Gather around kids, its story time. Today’s therapy session is called ‘know thy self’. I don’t think Frank will ever feel confident about anyone or anything else for that matter because I don’t think he feels confident about himself.

OK enough with that crap, back to business.

Seatbelts on, here we go…..this is going to be a fun (not for Ali) ride.

And just like Pandora’s box, the sliding doors whisk open revealing Ali’s morning after (squared!) glow.

Frank: Ali, we need to talk. And the hairs literally stand up on her arms, ready to make an about face and run for the hills where she should have followed.

I think the look on her face said it all. We’ve all been there (ok well sh*t, I have). It’s that split second when you know what’s coming but you just want to freeze time because you don’t have enough strength in you to go there again. But, since we are not like Evie from out of this world we can’t just stop time with our 2 pointer fingers…such a shame, so the dumping begings. Bring on the dumping. (For those of you born in the 80's you probably have no idea what I was just talking about. Remain calm, just smile and nod and tell everyone how funny the blog is). Remember Karma is a b*itch ;)

Back to our regularly scheduled program:
Frank to Ali:
We had (past tense, first warning like a fog horn…preparing you for what’s to come) blah blah blah BUT (damn that but) I have unresolved feelings for my ex-girlfriend. Zing! You’re perfect in every way BUT (screw you Mr. but, go home and never come back) I’m so fickle and confused so I think I like her now BUT (one more time and I’m putting on the boxing gloves) I could change my mind again. You? Change your mind? Nope. Don’t believe it.

Oh great, now they’re both crying. (send in the sea turtle with 2 boxes of tissues please)

Ali: I’ve given up everything to be here (yay, it’s shot time!)

Don’t worry Ali, he’s a boy, you need a real man who knows what he wants. (Chris, Chirs, Chris) Did you hear something?

So they cry, talk, cry, talk, cry, talk, she throws off her flip flops, cries, talks. And then he puts his hand on her as to say I’m sorry. Eff that, she should have bitch slapped him. Don’t you dare touch her Frank, not after you rip her heart out on the Island of Thahahathahahtheomcneue. Who does that?

Frank leaves and Ali plops down like a kid who just dropped her ice cream cone and starts to cry. The good news is last time we saw her do that she was in a hotel hallway (kinda looked like the Vagabond, those still around?) so things have improved greatly. At least she’s on a beach without fluorescent lighting. I’ll drink to that!

Jesus comes out of nowhere, he’s good like that, and consoles our dear Ali as she tells him (because he didn’t already know) that she’s "given up her job, her whole freakin life to be there" (Shot #2, Nicole is gonna look hot in no time). “He’s the biggest jerk I’ve ever known.” Really? Because I can name a few others who come in a close second. Let's see, there's Justin and Rated-R. Yup both are pretty bad.

Don’t worry Ali, it’s not him it’s you. I mean, it’s not you it’s him.

Rose Ceremony

What was that shmata thing you were wearing? Awesome if you’re 500 pounds and going on a date as the biggest loser. But we saw your six pack. New stylist please.

We all know who gets roses, so I won’t even make you sit through the "suspense" again. I just can't do that to you, I care too much.

Congrats Chris (L.) and Roboerto (?) (no last name?) the two of you have traveled the world to find love. (Suckers) But, unfortunately for one of you your search will be far from over. Feel free to pick up a copy of Eat, Pray, Love before you continue on. It's gonna be a doozy. Tootles.

Credits:
*thank you fab funny man flash.
ps- lesson learned - ask, don't assume, (it makes an ASS out of U and ME). Or just me. But I do have a great ass, what can I say! ;)
(Sorry inside joke, had to write it).

“Love is the only reality” Really? Then my reality is pretty freaking pathetic. I’d like to buy a vowel please….

We start off in LA with a close of up Ali’s roots (send maintenance please). Do they not have hair salons in other countries? Tragic. Moving on...and we magically end up in Tampa, Florida on our quest for love and Roberto’s (base)balls.

Hometown date #1:
A mysterious black van, that looks as if it could have been used by the DC Sniper, conveniently drops Ali off on the corner so that they are able to reenact a scene out of Baywatch and run towards each other in a passionate display of affection. (Please note her yellow shirt, we will get back to this shortly).

Ali, I have something to tell you. I’m a playa. I used to play baseball. Keyword, used to. And with that we enter his field of dreams and her field of balls as her legs we surgically attached to his waist most of the afternoon. As she puts on his jersey she says “it makes her so proud”. Yes we get it, proud like a trophy wife. More lip injections please. Roberto comes out of nowhere sporting his baseball outfit and Ali was SO shocked. “I had NO idea you were going to put on a baseball uniform.” What, did you think he was going to put on Weatherman’s Speedos? We already know those won't fit.

Have to admit, Ali wasn’t that bad at baseball. She did way better than I would have. For starters, she caught the ball. I would have ducked. I don’t do well in sports where balls fly at my face...well sometimes...but that’s a whole other blog. Oh yeah and did I mention that’s why golf works out so well for me. Unless I hit a tree and it ricochets back into my face but remember I duck, so we’re all good. Props to Ali for bringing back her butch lesbo softball days! Butt slap, good game.

They are soooo giddy like little school kids and are having the time of their lives. So much so that they actually have to run around ALL the bases, all the while holding hands and twirling around like they are in flashdance. Water hose anyone?

During their impromptu picnic in the middle of the field we learn Roberto’s dad is an ex army Wrangler (hmmm, could be hot..depends on if he looks like his son) and that his mom is passive, doesn’t says much, and definitely doesn’t argue. Two things that quickly jump to mind. Ali, this family is not for you and I think Franky might be a better housewife for him. But I’m not giving up hope. We can all tell that besides the making out there is a deep emotional connection that binds the two of you together. Hold up, there is? Have you two ever even had a conversation longer than 1 minute? Or do you constantly break up the monotony with a game of tonsil hockey? Just asking, I’m jealous. I too want to find a guy that I have nothing to say to. Wait, this seriously describes all my first dates. Help.

OK Ali this is the big night, first hometown dinner with the rents. You have 20-30 seconds to make a good impression so hope you picked out a great outfit. Drumroll please...and she loves yellow so much that she decides to wear the SAME shirt she wore earlier in the day. Good thing Florida isn’t humid. Did the airlines lose your luggage? Oh well, yay for being sustainable. There’s no better way to make smell a first impression. Hope she had clinical strength Degree antiperspirant. (no, they’re not a sponser).

“I don’t want to brag (umm so don’t), but, you’re a prize” Roberto’s Army Sergeant Dad tells us. A lot more bragging about his son and a little dancing with the stars action in the living room rounds out the night with Roberto and family. Ali, FYI...you better cut off your other left foot if you really want this relationship to take off. Borrow one from Jake I’m sure he’s not using his anymore. Although he probably threw it at Vienna Finger.

Date theme song: I’m too sexy by Right Said Fred.

I give the date 3.5 out of 5 roses.


Date #2 with Cape Cod Chris (…heart flutter….)

Just a quick question before we start. ABC, what exactly do you mean when you say “Landscaper”? Do you mean gardener? Just wondering.

Paaaahhkk the caaaahhhh, we’re going to the beach! Of course the weather is nice there, it always is. Did I mention that’s why I left Boston? Anyway, Ali is a good sport, my hair soooo would have frizzed, hello Jew Fro. Maybe she got the Brazilian hair treatment, sans formaldehyde of course. And we’re walking...walking...and then Chris reminds us that at this very second whales are mating. Freudian slip? What’s on your mind big boy?!

Oy, again with the mom, I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know how Ali is keeping it together. I’m a mess over here! Send in the squeegee. Again. OMG, now he wants to find the one that makes him smile, and happy blah blah...Pssst Chris, short brunette, over here...in the corner. Howudoin?

The way to his family’s heart is through wine (could we be any more of a perfect match?) and they all toast and cheers to each other. Good thing Ali is the only one holding her pint of beer. Get it together girl, or I’m moving you out of the way and going in for my own Dentist, Dennis...whatever kind of bracelet it is.

My father in law is so sweet, bless his heart. But I couldn’t help but notice he bore a striking resemblance to the Gorton’s fisherman guy. A slightly older, more mature one, minus the beard but close nonetheless. Jingle now stuck in my head, thanks Dad. Loved the story of how he met his wife. Except that one is not gonna work for me. Do you know how many times I’ve walked into a bar and said oh he’s the one. Oh no, this time I mean it. It’s different. He’s sooooo the one. Haven’t felt this way before...this time is different. Oh well, if that actually happened I’d be living in Utah now and who wants to do that?

Does this date actually have to end? Chris (L.)...I’m enjoying your family so much. Even planning our Cape Cod wedding right now and yes I’m walking down the aisle to the mating calls (with non frizzy hair of course, helloooo frizz-ease.) Where in LA do I find a guy like you? Oh, that was a funny one wasn’t it? Riiiigggght, ok I’ll just continue dating guys who hand me their headshots instead of their cards. (rolling my effing eyes) Sigh.

Oh wait, I have one more thing to show you, Chris says. Oh really Chris, I didn’t know you were that type of guy, but I like it. I like it a lot. And then as if they were in a fairy tale he kisses her high up on the...water tower? What the heck was that thing? Who cares it looked romantic. And they lived happily ever after...The end.

Crap she still has 2 more families to lead on...oh well. Until we meet again my Cape Cod cutie!

Date theme song: Can you feel the love tonight from the Lion King (*) (Sorry Roberto, I stole this one from your trapeze act. You snooze you lose).

Date gets 5 roses and a Dentist bracelet!


Date # 3 (Nightmare on both streets)

How do we even meet Kirk and his furry friends after Chris and his family? If we must...here we go...
(Ali please return your yellow raincoat to Chirs’ Dad. He needs it to sell more frozen fish)

Several problems with this date. Where do I start?
1)They are in Greenbay, Wisconson. Who the hell wants to move there?
2)They are in Greenbay, Wisconson. Who the hell wants to move there?
3)I think I remember Kirk’s dad from, To Catch A Predator.
4)Someone needs to go in and de-clutter that house immediately. I was getting nauseous with all the tchotskies everywhere. Hope they’re not planning on selling anytime soon. Bring in the professional stager.
5)We find out the predator stores “stuffed” animals in the basement. EWWWWWW
6)EWWWWWWWWWW
7)EWWWWWWWWWWW (ok, I think I’m done now)
8)Kirk says his dad is not a man of many words. No shit that’s why he plays with dead things.
9)I would NOT want to be in that house alone and/or at night. And I’m especially afraid of what happens when there’s a full moon. If I put a quarter in a paw will the lights dim and the animals start singing and wagging their tales like at Chuck E Cheese?
10)The step moms voice was manlier than Franks
11)That freezer was scary. It for sure looked like the kind that all the psycho killers in the movies have.

And that’s all I’m gonna say about that.
Let’s move onto the mom’s house. She greets us at the door rocking a “bump it” in her hair that she ordered on QVC and braces that shined all the way from here to the Chrysler building.

Thank god Kirk has so much “love and support from his family, and that they would do anything for him.” Good because you’re gonna need all of them (including your creepy dad) to help you pick up the pieces of your broken heart after Ali breaks it.

“My family is who I am”, Really? Then taxi please. I gosta go!

Date song: The Muppets Show theme song.

Date get’s 2 roses and a PETA membership.


Date #4 – Please make sure all emotional baggage fits under the seat in front of you or in the overhead bin.

Once again, I love how Frank wears his heart on his sleeve...or cardigan. WTF were you wearing Tenderheart Bear? Please call Queer Eye for the straight Guy ASAP. Ohhh that could be tricky since we haven’t figured out yet which team you exactly play for yet. Just kidding. Love you Amigo Bear (oops, that’s Roberto’s care bear name).

Anyway, Frank and his cardigan greet Ali and are off to explore Chicaaaaago. Lots of emotions on the date already, shocker, and when Frank walks into his parents house they greet him as if they haven’t seen him in ages. “So good to see you Frank, it’s been forever.” “I miss you sleeping in our bed”. Now go take out the trash and make sure your chores are done before dinner. If not, no dessert for you and your lady friend.

ALright, I have a confession to make. I’ve noticed I go into autopilot mode every time Frank is talking about his “feelings”. I’m like a total dude now, I just shut him out and nod my head. When/how did this happen? Franky, if you’re making ME shut you out...you MUST be an emotional wreck.

“We’re both at a point in our lives where we can get up and go anywhere.” Yes, it’s called being unemployed. Here are your food stamps.

Overall, date was good. Lots of laughs with the fam but Weatherman shows up out of nowhere (I swear he IS Houdini) and delivers a red flag. There could be one major penalty with their “relationship”. Here it is. Anyone else notice that Ali and Frank’s dad have the same nose. Are you sure you’re not related? This could be incestual.

Theme song: Lost in emotion by Lisa Lisa Cult Jam

Date gets 4 roses and a new sweater vest.


Final Rose Ceremony.

Ali is sitting with Chris having a little pow-wow and I notice nothing else but her shimmery pastel pink lipstick that is exactly matching her prom dress. Too matchy matchy Ali. Way too bed in a bag. Did you dye your shoes at Bakers to match the dress too? Ok fine, you looked good. It just looked like a care bear exploded on your lips. Hope it wasn’t Frank.

We know we’re all waiting for this, so here it goes.

Roses go to:
1)Roberto and his balls.
2)Chris (YAAAY, America can take a deep breath now)

...final rose goes to....the stuffed animals (not the kind you had when you were little folks, Daddy plays with real toys) or one emotional nightmare to go please?

3)Congratulations emotional basket case, you are the lucky winner.
(Please don’t cry)

Sorry Kirk please walk out with Ali as the tears of guilt roll down her face. Just kidding Ali, I know you were more scared that his dad was going to hang you on the wall with the rest of his ex-girlfriends. Kirk, just go home and cuddle with your toys that should make you feel better.

One word. Tahiti, Holllllaaa! Ok that was 2 but who cares because they’re off to the most romantic place on earth. No, not the basement. Been there done that and now we all have fleas.

(*a Flash funny)