Who is the biggest loser in the house? (Can we use the back of the paper if we run out of room Chris?)

“Can we quit bending over and blowing smoke up each others' asses?” Thank you Wes for amazing words. I swear you work for Hallmark.

Sorry about last week my dear dedicated fan(s?). Things are getting back to normal but don’t worry my blogs will be nothing of that sort.

In one corner we have Wes, in the other corner we have Dave. Together they make one great big jackass. Hmm I see a theme, interesting. Why am I talking about asses again?
Who knows, maybe it’s the characters…..not sure….

Oh wait, before we begin we’re gonna show Wes making out with himself in the Jacuzzi. Actually we’re going to show you about 5 different scenes of this because we need to fill up some time.

First competition: let the Special Olympics begin.

Now we’re playing Family Feud? How fitting. This is kind of an example of a typical dysfunctional American family huh? It kind of broke my heart that they didn’t all strike a pose in the beginning like they do on the show. How cool would that have been? Tenley so wanted to be on top of the pyramid.

Survey says….How many people think this show is a bust? Ding ding ding! We have a winner. Kidding, you’re all great. Really. Please don’t change. It helps my material.

So let’s see how quickly we can make everyone cry by reenacting a scene out of mean girls. Here’s a tissue Tenley, I know how you like to be ahead of the game.

On a side note, I’ve noticed that Melissa is really great with her hand gestures. If this gig doesn’t work out I think she’d make a great
a) Traffic Guard
b) Flight Attendant.

You go girl, you can do whatever you set your mind to. Even getting engaged 5 days after you were dumped. Rock on.

Here we go…

Who is going to win this competition?
Kiptyn

Who is your biggest enemy?
Wes meet Dave, Dave meet Wes.

Who is the most shallow?
Come on now, this game is getting too easy.
Elizabeth, can you use shallow in a sentence please?
“I don’t even know what that means.”


Wow…

Who is the dumbest?
Oh, I know, I know…..
Natalie, thank you for playing. Oh wait, Gwen? Where did you come from? I thought it was just that you were shy….I didn’t realize it was because you were “special”

Which person do most people in the house have a crush on?
Melissa? Probably, we all know guys want what they can’t have. Well since she doesn’t count, Dave thinks it’s Dave? How egocentric of you. Does that include the men too? You guys really need to get out, it’s almost as if you’re trapped in a house with a bunch of caged animals. Bingo!

Who will be a bridesmaid and never a bride? (low blow people…does this question come with complementary therapy sessions?)
Oh Natalie I’m sorry…but here’s a movie you can watch while you eat your bon bons. It’s called 27 dresses, have you heard of it?

Who is the biggest jerk in the group?
Jason Mesnick?? Does he still count? (that one’s for you Melissa)

Ok and for the clincher! Who has the worst boob job?
Ummm, it's a tie for sure.
Tori Spelling and Elizabeth.

What’s scary is the fact that there were enough people who fit this category that they could make a question for it…what has our world come to? Once again, reality TV killing our brain cells and injecting us with saline one boob at a time.

Hey Kovacs…how do you really feel about Elizabeth’s boobs? Psst, please tell me the doc so none of us go to him or her. Thx!

So after this fun little game of ‘you suck’ the women all go back into the house and cry. (Of course it’s the women the guys already forgot that they even played the game.) Well, really just 2 of the head beatches, Elizabeth and Natalie. (oh and Natalie, please fix your roots asap!) Can we say, what goes around, comes around? Look who is part of the “out” crowd now?

And while the tears are flowing (please be careful Elizabeth, wouldn’t want you to cry out all your silicone as well….actually that might not be a bad idea then you can get new and improved ones!) Anyway, while Elizabeth is hiding in the broom closet (awkward) and solving California's drought problem, Wes gives us another moment of clarity with his insightful sensitivity, “I have 25 sisters, (Wes, ex-girlfriends don’t count as sisters) I know how sentimental women can be. Riiiiiiight, that’s why you went on The Bachelorette with a girlfriend huh? Sure buddy. Now is not the time to find your inner Oprah, zip it..and your pants too.


Brief interlude:

We have an important lesson to learn among all this rubbish. Today’s lesson is, how a boy figures out when he really likes a girl. First clue, when your “girlfriend” is crying over her botched boob job and you feel some pain, regardless if it’s because you know how scary looking they are as well, then this my friends is real, lasting love. A bond that can never be broken….until of course a new pair of boobs walk into the room and he’s ready to test them out. Well at least you have a built in flotation device in case you end up in the middle of the ocean and can’t swim.

The Bobbsey twins “take a leap of faith”……on a zip line…..oh and with their cute little relationship too.

Tenley and Kiptyn, can we say a match made in Candyland heaven? Of course they arrive by helicopter to this magical, tropical oasis of an island called….Catalina. Really? Didn’t Ali and Roberto just go to Bora Bora? Looks like this so called recession thing that has hit the rest of the world has finally caught up with the reality world.

So Tenley and Kipper finally kiss and she gives him the rose…….ex-husband who? And now its time for the envelope to come out and for them to pretend like they have NO IDEA WHAT IN THE WORLD IT COULD SAY. (Great acting job, Days of Our Lives is looking to hire). Come on guys, I know you BOTH should remember the fantasy suite, wink wink.

I just thought of something, is it strange that Jillian was with Kiptyn and Jake…then Jake was with Tenley and probably with Kiptyn as well? Can we say family reunion in Arkansas next year?

Anyway, getting back to the show. Tenley tells us that she is SO excited to spend the whole night with Kiptyn in the fantasy suite. I bet you are, Little Miss Muffet. Are you gonna sit on his tuffet? (What the heck is a tuffet anyway? Oh great, now I sound like Elizabeth).

The “morning after”, oh that’s always awkard…I mean….so they say. Kiptyn has his “game face” on. Oh nice one Kipper, is that what they call it when a guy ignores you after you sleep with him. Good. To. Know.


Date #2: Peyton and Jesse.
(He basically gives her the rose before they even go on the date. Good strategy brain. At least get the girl to put out before you give up the goods. I so did not say that).

Aw cute, two country bumpkins, just like two pigs in a blanket. So after they are done pretending to be Amelia Earhart he does what any classy man would do:

1)Puts his finger up her nose. Hot.
2)Burps (while drinking a martini, how is that even possible?)

And just like that she’s over it…and the date pretty much follows.


Back at the house they are busy playing 7 minutes in heaven and Wes is pissed off because he says, “some people just want to party here, this is like my job, I take this very seriously”. Hmm, couple things:

1) Wes, I want to know what job is like being on the Bachelor Pad? And if you find it please tell me because I would like to apply.

2)What exactly would you like these D-list people to be doing all day besides partying? Chess? Mahjong? A little intellectual debate on Plessy vs. Ferguson? What the heck would I write about? I’m already pulling teeth here, work with me big boy. Sing a song or something.

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony (finally, I already took two naps, cleaned my house, walked my dog and had time to clean my air ducts. Did I miss anything?)

Drama, drama, drama……wait, Ashley and Nikki are still here? I had no idea they were still in the game. I thought this was a show on the romance between Kovacs, Elizabeth, and her amazing implants.

Besides the fact that Gwen’s necklace could have fit around the neck of the Incredible Hulk, did anyone else notice her during the interviews? It looked like she was trying so hard to articulate her words and speak intelligently that she almost. Sounded. Like. She. was. Channeling. Chris. And. His. Fragments.

Who will stay? Who will go? Gwen or Krispy Kreme? Wes or Dave? Ohhhhhhhh, the suspense is killing me. I mean, literally killing me.

And the biggest losers are Kentucky Fried Chicken and the man that understands women in the same way Mr. Rogers does – Wes.

You’re lucky Gwen, looks like you won’t be rolling out in the short yellow bus as soon as we thought.

Final words? Oh this is fun, kinda like when you get voted off American Idol and you have to belt out a last tune while your voice is cracking like Peter Brady.

Well Wes, I guess we learned a thing or two; it’s not just love that don’t come easy, looks like it's back to playing guitar in Walmart for you. God Bless and don’t come back now ya’hear.

The “insiders” vs. the “outsiders”. Or do you prefer the dumb vs. the dumber?

Ohhh tricky Mr. Harrison. Starting off this evenings show with the ending of the last episode. Ooooh, I like it. I like it a lot. Switching things up. Like reverse psychology? Oh, I don’t want a rose….you take it….no, you take it….no you….OK! Siiiiiiiike. Who can you trust on this show, I’m so confused. Calgon take me away.

Where was I? Right, we were comparing the Bachelor Pad after dark to the Peach Pit after dark. Which one is Nat? I thought it was Kypton until I found out he was part of the “Insiders”. How rude. (Please go away Michelle Tanner) Since this seems to be the trend these days, do you guys turn into Vampires at night too? Just asking, all the cool kids are doing it….and I know how badly you all want to be kool. This show is making Mean Girls look like Mary Poppins. I think Snooki needs to make a guest appearance and show these people how to really fight.

Kovacs deep thoughts: “Being a couple is a better strategy than being alone.”

Oh sugar plum, I have a feeling that might bite you in the butt. As might your girlfriend. I mean “friend”, I mean….oh wait, you’re a couple now, right? I meant your wife. Yes, your wifey. (Puke) And that wasn’t even from the pies yet, wow we’re on a roll already.

Enter Melissa Rycroft Strickland. What do we think is going on in her mind? Oh, I know. Let me tell you. Thank God I found myself a hubby and I’m not part of the “insiders” or “outsiders”. You people need to get a life. I might have been dumped on national television but look who’s laughing her way to the bank now. Thanks Mr. Mesnick, I’ll give you your cut next time I see you and Mollballs.

Pie Eating Contest. Say what?

Yes, you heard it. We are forcing all you anorexics to eat. No. To stuff your faces and eat until you learn what it feels like to be full.

Bare with us, this will be a new experience for most.

The Rules:
No hands…or boobs allowed. Even if they are not “technically” yours. Foreign objects cannot be used as assistance.

What would be even better is if they had to jump into their bikinis after. I want to see real women with full bellies after a meal. Not these mannequins whose stomachs actually cave in. Maybe it’s just me, but I would have looked like the Octomom after eating like that.

“I don’t like it anymore.” Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Sorry, Tenley just had a temper tantrum. Super Nanny told me to give her a 5 minute time out.

Back to the girls pies.

Nom nom nom. Bucket please? Thank you ABC for bringing bulimia back one reality star at a time.

We have Gia and Tenely in the lead…Gia is coming from around the back…surprising us all. Where does she put it? Must have emptied out the silicone and storing it in her boobs. Good game plan. But look out, Tenley is following right behind. They are neck to neck. And Gia wins by a boob!

Now it’s the men’s turn. To show how macho they really are? When does eating a pie (stop thinking that!) equate to manliness? Is this a joke? Yes. Ok here’s the punch line. When the Weatherman wins. Wait I don’t get it. Either do I…

Oh, I have an idea, in the meantime let’s not wash our faces and interview a bunch of the contestants with pie all over it. It adds to the intensity of the competition. Who thought of this one again? This was the best you could do? Next week, tune in for potato (or is it potatoe? That’s what Bush told me and he’s wicked smart) sack races and then it’s team bonding time where one of you free falls backwards and we all “catch” you. Come on… you can trust us…I told you I’m not going to vote you off…you totally have my word. Now fall. Oops, sorry I thought you would have bounced back like a cat. Meow.

Weatherman is pumped up and ready to go, he’s determined to win. It’s his one chance to regain all his self esteem that went out the window before, during, and after Ali’s season.

Little do the men realize that it’s always the skinny ones that win. Just think of the hot dog eating contests, all the huge guys are crying like babies and it’s the little Asian dude that they crap out who goes in for the win.

But Weatherman Kobayashi, before you get all excited, where are you going to put all the pie? Oh, just put it in your package. We know there’s room in there. Hey, you’re the one that told us. I’m just a messenger from God.

And they’re off. Kovacs is fired up, he wants a rose. As does Craig (M) so he sticks his head in it?? Well, I guess if this gig doesn’t work out for you, you can always start a line of hair gel in the future. Although we know your secret ingredient and it’s definitely not Something About Mary.

Wow, there’s weatherman eating it like his life depends on it. (it does). Wes is pulling from behind; and being rooted on by Gia?? (I don’t like where this is going…tbc…) But thankfully, Weatherman channeled his little inner Asian man for the win. And he’s so excited he has to eat more pie and takes a bite out of someone else’s. That was just strange. But then again, look what we’re watching.

What we learned - Weatherman is good at eating pie.

For once, I have no comment.



Just once, don’t get used to it.



Dream date: 3 ladies and a Weatherman.

Gwen, Peyton, and Ashley.

Weatherman, why did you bring your mom on the date? It’s time to cut the cord.

It was actually really funny to watch Weatherman act as if he was the Bachelor. He was loving life. Good for him. He deserves a night where everyone is not making fun of him. See I root for the underdog too. I’m JUST like Gia. We’re twins, can’t tell us apart. Yup. People keep stopping me in the streets thinking I’m Gia. It’s a rough life, but someone’s gotta do it. I’m always here to help.

Date strategy: Break up the “powerhouse” and bring them down. Oh please, this is The Bachelor Pad, not the Third Reich.

One on one with Gwen.

Weatherman: Gwen I have something for you.
Gwen: Oh really? What can it be?!?!?!
Weatherman: Let me put it behind my back and pretend like you have NO idea what I’m going to give you.
Gwen: And let me cross my fingers behind my back in the hopes that I don’t have to kiss you after.

Phew, all systems ago. We are clear. Breathing can resume as normal.

Weatherman must have felt great watching the show last night. Hearing his mom say that it would NEVER happen between them. And we wonder why the poor guy has no game. He gets shot down all the time. Good thing you two aren’t gonna run into each other in Positano, Italy….oops. Ciao bella.

And now for date number 2, because the first date was just. So. Anticlimactic.

Zzzzzzzzzzzz

Gia (who has a boyfriend) and her 3 men (who are not her boyfriends but would give their entire to soul to be one just for one night).

Craig M. (How did the most hated man on earth begin to rule the island?)
Wes
Jesse B

Loved how she tricked all of them by putting Jesse’s name in the bowl. Too funny, you’re really using your brains now. Welcome, glad you could join us. PS- hope you had a shredder close by. Costco has some great ones on sale.

Gia’s game plan: Making the game fair. (She must be a Libra).

This date is dedicated to the men (man) before us who have sacrificed their (his) hands for real love. To the men (man) who guard and protect – we dedicate this to you Kasey. We too are going to draw hearts on our arms. You are not alone Kasey, you are not alone. Oh wait, ours will wash off in about a week. Guess you’re the only jackass stuck with perma-hearts on his wrist. I bet though, that if you stare at it long enough it will start to change shapes, like those cool posters in the 90’s. (Did I just say in the 90’s? I think that was a first).


Break time

Elizabeth and Kovacs planning their mission to mars. Yes, good to plan when you are slurring your words. Perfect.

Elizabeth: I’m a dumb smart girl.

Wow, I couldn’t have said it better myself. Actually, not true, I would have left out the word smart.

Kovacs: I can’t just let her run loose.

Big boy, is she your donkey or something? When did you become a zookeeper? I thought you were a winemaker?


Back to the date.

Not much happening except Wes trying to pretend like he’s a good guy. Oh Wes, we’ve seen this act before when you were on the Bachelorette WITH a girlfriend. And why should we believe you now? Where’s your guitar? Why aren’t you singing to us? You always bust it out when you’re trying to brainwash. At least be consistent, give us a 1% chance to fall for it.

Everything was fine on the date until Gia got drunk and started falling for Wes’ bullshiznat. Great Gia, you just messed up the strategy. Note to self; never put her on my battleship team.

So with Gia blinded by love and alcohol, she gives the rose to Wes (barf…clearly there were still traces of pie in my throat).


So what’s been going on back at the house?
Just the usual, Elizabeth and Kovacs making out in the hot tub. Normal for a show of this caliber. Then they decide to take it up a notch by moving into the shower. Normal once again…if you’re making a porn. But aren’t your parents watching? Gross.

What else is new at the Playboy Mansion?

Just Dave and Jessie S. in the hot tub.

David: I have a lot of pull…you just have to sleep with me.
Jessie: OK! I’m in it to win it! Have you seen my new twins?


Rose Ceremony
Wow Chris, were you getting dressed while you were watching Dating in the Dark? Kinda took it too literally my friend. Purple tie and plaid shirt…interesting. I like though how you are trying to show your personality. Good boy. I knew it was in there somewhere.

Again, poor little Miss Sunshine. Elizabeth tries to throw Tenley under the bus. Way to go for the timid girl Lizzie. You knew she wouldn’t fight back with you so you went in for the kill just like Michelle did with her. Can everyone just Leave Tenley alone? She just wants to run in a field of daisies with Kypton. Let them play little house on the prairie will ya? Maybe Tenley needs a body guard. This would be a perfect opportunity to bring our beloved Kasey back to guard and protect. Kasey if you’re reading this, you should for sure get a trademark on that phrase just like Paris did hers. Yes, you guys definitely made that stuff up. I don’t know where Urban Dictionary would be without people like you.


So question….if Tenley and Kypton were updating their statuses on Facebook, would they change it say “In a relationship…and it’s complicated?”

I just want to know where we all stand.

Natalie, can you please return your tutu to Bjork. She’s looking for it.

So who’s getting voted off? All this scheming, lying, and strategizing its making me exhausted. I can’t keep up. They are taking this way too seriously and now I’m hiding under my blanket after Lizzie told me if you “deceive the trust of your own….you’re next” (btw: the fireplace behind here really added to the drama of the moment too). Ok, I’m now officially scared of her. She swallowed the devil and speaking in tongue. Kasey, where are you when I need you? Get out of the trademark line and guard and protect.

Great, now the only voice of reason is about to go. Kypton, try not to stress too much honey; we don’t want you to lose anymore hair. Yup, just like I told you guys. Nikki is following her heart and she’s messing up the entire game. How dare you put a decent girl with morals on the show? What were you thinking?

And now it’s time to bid farewell to the real outsiders. As in don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Sorry but no roses for our very own modern day Bonnie and Clyde. Craig (M) and Jessie S, weren’t you guys partners in crime? What happened? I swear just the other day you guys were dancing around at your own concert, watching everyone grovel and bow to you like you were the Jonas Brothers (sans purity rings and instead condoms as gloves).

Well, that will teach you. You can’t outsmart the dumb smart girl. She was onto you the whole time. Bye bye Jessie S. I know how hard you tried to find your inner Leo and show us how assertive you could be since you never talked on Jake’s season…but it didn’t work for you. Sorry. Oh no, how are you gonna pay for your boobs now? I have an idea…welcome to McDonalds may I take your order?

“I don’t know where Dave and I stand now” LOL, that’s all I have to say about that. It must be the alcohol talking. When you watch this yourself I hope you can see that you two didn’t actually have a relationship. Unless of course you want it to be based on lies and scheming and in that case, since Heidi and Spencer broke up we are looking for new assholes to fill their shoes. Please contact HR and submit an application if interested.

Hmmm, for “some” reason they are all surprised with the results. What? The Shock and Awe campaign went wrong? How could someone have possibly lied to them? Couldn’t be the insiders. They sealed their deal with a séance. Had to have been the Outsiders. Can we get a revote? It must have been Florida’s fault.

Well kids, we’ve been through a lot this week. From eating disorders, to strategizing like they're the Ottoman Empire, to my attempt at trying to make this show funnier than it actually is - I’m simply famished. I need a pie.