Sorry for the late blog posting, I had to finish reading War and Peace. After the show I automatically lost over half my brain cells so it was my quick attempt to regain them - hoping for a speedy recovery.
On Monday night I was invited to a Bachelor Pad premiere party hosted by no other than the lovely ‘couple’, Jesse and Elizabeth. (Thank you Lisa and Summer).
Couple thoughts on this:
1)Jesse is actually hotter in person. Not that he was at all bad on the show but he was delish in live HD.
2)His wine is surprisingly amazing. And trust me, I consider myself a self-made wine connoisseur. (is that what they call an alchy these days?) In any case, it was good.
3)Very strange to watch the show with them in the same room. I’ll talk more on this later.
4)Natalie made an appearance at the party as well. And the good news is she’s exactly how she is on TV. The bad news is she’s exactly how she is on TV. Joking…she was sweet and also even prettier in person. Is it something in the water? I’ll have whatever their drinking please.
5)Apparently TV REALLY does make you look 10-20 pounds heavier. This is especially scary when you already look skinny on TV. This leads me to Elizabeth who was very sweet, friendly and beautiful but, for the love of God I just wanted to feed her. Hey, at least I got an anatomy lesson out of it. I now know how your hip bone is connected to your thigh bone and so on…. (Kovacs, please feed your lady friend and maybe ease up on the wine. It may help the crying?? Sincerely, a concerned blogger).
Overall night was great. Fun experience and good vino. I told Jesse that I would put a link to his website on my blog so here it is:
Kovacs Brothers Wine
(ok, let’s be real, do we even think he remembers talking to me? Umm, no. But I told him I would do it and I’m the kind of girl that stands by her man. Wink wink. Call me. Let’s do lunch). Just kidding Elizabeth, please don’t put a spell on me. I just try to be funny every once in a while…maybe I went a little overboard this time…step away from the voodoo doll. Please? With a cherry on top. (Only 5 calories, you can do it).
btw: His brother just shaved his head and donated all his hair to locks of love. So cool!
Alright let’s get down to business. Let the games begin…
Chris Harrison (God and narrator) welcomes us in his California casual look. Sporting jeans and a blazer, he suavely strolls outside the mansion (he must be taking lessons from Roberto) and tells us…..wait for it.
There are two kinds of people.
Oh???
Those who find love on the Bachelor/Bachelorette
And ….everyone else.
So Chris, you’re saying I’m just like everyone else? Great. And here I hoped I looked like Gia.
Moving on.
Please welcome our most “memorable” contestants. (Feel free to exchange this word with the phrase, most desperately seeking attention, as freely as possible).
Oh, oh, oh. Chris, guess what? I have a good one too. There are two kinds of blogs…One that just gives you a recap and another that tells the truth whole and nothing but the truth. (psst, that would be mine). Hold on tight, this is going to be fun.
Send in the animals….
1)Cartwheels and toe touches right out of the limo. Who else could it be but the beautiful, bubbly, and vivacious Rainbow Bright. Tenley, tell us again, did your husband cheat on you because I don’t remember you saying that? JK Tenler, you’re great! Keep on being yourself and don’t let these monkeys change you.
2)Next up Jesse B, the construction guy, who floored us (no pun intended) with his articulate vocabulary.
3)Perfect timing for Natalie (sans Teddy Bear) to enter.
4)Then there’s David who hopefully used his time off to attend anger management classes. If not, someone for sure is gonna get knocked up. I mean knocked out.
5)Welcome Gwen and her question marks?? Wait. Hold up sista sista!? You’re still single? It’s been at least 100 years hasn’t it? I could have sworn season 2 was filmed in 1983. Oh well, in any case welcome Martha Stewart I’m sure we’ll need a house mom to patrol these inmates.
6)Jessie S. and her new fake boobies join us next. So glad you all can make it.
7)Followed by no other than our favorite Weatherman. (Note: love how they didn’t even bother to call him Jonathan. Simply Weatherman, kinda like Cher or Madonna). The good news is everyone will be appropriately dressed each day for the weather. String bikini or string bikini? What would we do without you?
8)Enter Nikki. She must be related to the Kardashians. Can I get a whoop whoop for great hair. Hey girlfriend, are you using Herbal Essence and are those commercials really true? Hmm, let’s see…one of the first things out of her mouth, “I do not want to see Juan.”
9)Speak of the devil. Juan, welcome to the Bachelor Pad, have you seen Nikki? She wants to say hi. BTW, you’re 37, time to get another gig. Are we gonna have to serve you dinner at 4:00pm just like the other snow birds?
10)And just when we didn’t think it could get any better, Wes pulls up with his deep thoughts for the day, “love don’t come easy.” No shit Wes. Looks like we might be on the same page after all. How did that happen?
11)Krispy Kreme or as she also likes to be called Krisily , joins us next.
12)Elizabeth and her natural highlights make the next appearance.
13)Followed by her lover and wine maker Jesse Kovacs. (This was so not planned, I don’t believe it one bit…you silly producers you).
14)Finally a voice of reason. Kiptyn waddles out of the limo.
15)And because he lacked a certain level of energy they quickly followed with Ashley (also fab hair) who does a triple back flip landing in a roundoff backwards summer salt right out of the limo. (Can we please put Tenley and her together in a room with a couple red bulls and see what happens? Come on, it will be fun…like watching 2 Teletubbies on So You Think You Can Dance).
16)Next up Peyton. And in the words of the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland…Whooooo arrrrrrreeee youuuuuu??
Code red! We just had a convict escape from prison. Please keep all men inside the house.
17)Oh Michelle, I didn’t see you there, so glad you can join us.
18)Thank god for plastic surgery, I mean Gia. Yay, we really do like Gia, she’s a sweet girl with a good heart and a ridic body. Well, I mean I would hope so considering she handpicked each piece herself. It’s like ordering out of a catalog. I would like Angelina Jolie’s lips, Jennifer Aniston’s legs, and so on. Hmmm, all I can think about is Weird Science…
19)And last but definitely least. We have Craig M. (is there another Craig? Why are we calling him Craig M?) and his ridiculous hair. Dude you gotta get that under control, looks like the Weatherman just put you through you a wind storm. Ok that was lame. Let’s move on.
If love is the game, these are the rules…
1)Each of you has a chance to find love and a shot at $250,000. Or is it…each of you has a chance at $250,000 and a shot in hell to find love on this reality show?
Just wondering.
2)There are more women than men but that will change at some point soon. (What Chris meant to say was, for safety reasons we weren’t allowed to endanger any more men than we already have by putting them under the same roof with all these women. This will soon turn into a game of Hungry Hippo where only the strong will prevail, and the weak will be eaten alive by their PMSing roommates). Cheers.
3)You will all be sleeping in bunk beds and in the same room. This is an equal opportunity environment and we want everyone to have a fair and proper shot at getting laid.
First competition.
Hope you shaved, waxed, and lasered every nook and cranny kids because it’s time for bikini Twister. Really!? When did this turn into a bad porn movie?
Tenley dear, I think you’re adorable and all but it’s kinda unfair to the others that you WERE Cirque DU Soleil in your past life.
Alright, fine I want you to win. I won’t tell.
Ok I have to say, maybe it’s just me but I would have rather had all my teeth pulled out then played that game in my bikini. Let me explain. Laying out by the pool in your bikini is one thing, playing beach volleyball with your friends in your bikini is also one thing BUT to Bend it like Beckham and contort your body into shapes that I can’t even do with my origami set WITH a camera all up in your who-ha is a whooolllllle other thing.
Am I the only sane person around here? I know what you're thinking. Party pooper over here. No way, I would have grabbed my wetsuit and put my game face on. Game on! (Hot I know). And while we’re on the subject (well sorta) do all these people really have perfect bodies or was the airbrush tool working overtime in post production? Seriously. These people are my heros if that’s the case. I better call Gia and figure out how to put a rush order on the parts I’ve selected. Maybe Kirk’s dad can be of assistance.
Back to Twister.
Left breast red.
Right ball blue. Oops, we don’t want to go down that road so early in the game kids, nope…no. we. don’t.
Wishes do come true – Craig is the winner. Kind of shocked his hair and ego had enough room to play. Oh well, winner gets to go on a date with 3 lovely ladies. Who will he pick?
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Date card and table.
[Jessie runs to the door, in her bikini of course. Did she bring clothes? Maybe they lost her luggage?]
Date card and table who?
Oh, who cares? I’ll just take the whole table in rather than just the envelope.
(Do we laugh or pretend like she’s a genius?)
Which three lucky ladies are going to join Craig on his fairy tale fantasy date? Being the well rounded man that he is, he decides to pick someone from every generation. We have sweet, young, and innocent Tinker Bell played by Jessie, one of the manipulating and emotional step sisters from Cinderella played by Elizabeth and the fairy
Be ready at noon in your best beach attire.
Transalation: bikini….and heels…in a limo…drinking champagne. We're filming a rap video now? Oy. Please tell me Craig doesn’t have a grill or I’ll have to stop watching the show immediately and then what will I do with my Monday nights? I might actually have to go on a date or something. No grill…no grill…no grill….. (chanted like Donna Martin graduates).
The only thing I really noticed on the date was that every time Craig went to hug Tinker Bell, she turned her head so far to the left, that I think she might actually be an owl.
Whooo-whoooo.
(My attempt at an owl sound. Weak sauce, I know).
Meanwhile, back at the “Bachelor Pad” Juanita reminds us why he’s about to be kicked off the show. “If I had to walk out of here with $250,000 or the love of my life – I’d take the money and run.”
But Juan, I really thought we had something here, I really thought you meant it when you said you loved me. What about all those Eskimo kisses then? Oh Nikki, how many more guys do you have to sleep with to learn the truth? Poor, innocent, naive Nikki….this game is really gonna shake her up. I give her 3 more episodes tops before she follows her heart and falls in love with another guy. There’s just no room for that kind of nonsense around here. This is a competition kid, pull it together. Big bucks, no whammies!
Back to the drama.
Oh look, Kovacs and Elizabeth, my new besties, are having “the talk”. Wow, not at all awkward to watch this with both of them in the room. In no way did it feel like I was intruding on their couple’s therapy session. No, I DID NOT see the pink elephant in the room. What are you talking about? Absolutely no pink elephants here. None. Ok, maybe a small one in the corner, but it was more rose colored than pink…
Ok let’s be honest, nice attempt on Jesse’s part to plan a “strategy” that involved him winning the money and still being able to hook up with other girls in the meantime. A for effort big boy. BUT I think you forgot who you were dealing with. Your lady friend apparently worked on war strategies with Stalin* so I’m sorry, but please hand over your balls right now. This Queen bee has you under her control. Hey, maybe you like it? It’s all good. Once again I’m not here to judge. Just stating the facts.
*Please don’t try this at home kids. This is for trained for professionals only.
7th inning stretch:
New drinking game of the season. Every time Elizabeth talks about Kovacs or how she’s in love with him, heck, every time she cries - we drink! Yay! This is gonna be a drunken season sailors. Heave ho!
Why the game ‘Telephone’ should never be played in a house full of drunken drama kings and queens:
Subjects: Michelle &
Possible theory: “relations”
Tenley: I think I heard 2 people making out last night. It might have been Michelle and Craig.
Natalie: OMG, did you hear? Tenley saw Michelle and Craig going for second base.
Weatherman: No way, they were doing what? Wait for me, wait for me.
Nikki: Michelle and Craig are in love and eloping?
Juan: Well good, 2 less people on the show. Now I have a better chance of winning the money. (evil laugh)
Ashley: Shut up! Michelle and Craig were having sex, in the bathroom, with the revolver?
Female Jessie: Wow, and then Professor Plumb walked in?
Kiptyn: Who are you people? And am I the only normal one on the show?
So far, sounds like….one syllable. Rhymes with mess.
Rose Ceremony
We decided to switch things up and take the rose ceremony outside this time, that way we literally just push them into their limos and put it in neutral. Parting is such sweet sorrow.
And drum roll please...roses go to everyone except...Juanito and Michelle.
Does this mean they have to date each other now? Juan just an FYI, Michelle is definitely ready to pounce so you better work it!
Well the good news is Juan knows he’s an A-hole, and that’s why he’s going home. The bad news is Michelle thinks she’s going home because Tenley started a rumor about her. Newsflash cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, it’s because you tried to lock Strawberry Shortcake in the bathroom and burst her sparkles. No one messes with Disneyland. She’s the happiest place on earth.
Disclaimer:
The above facts were based on a competition where the contestants will stop at nothing to win the big bucks. It’s not personal they say...it’s just a game.
So in the words of the wise (yes, I’m referring to the people on the show) and for those of you who I might have met. It’s nothing personal...it’s just a blog.
XOXO, Bachelor Biatch
