Is that even a language?
And with that we start off the new episode with a love poem competition. Oh boy. Here we go. Eggs and Ham and meet the fam, Oh Chris L, you’re too cute.
Chris N. dude, it was a verbal competition not a staring contest. Ad-libbing only works if you actually have things to say. Next time write. it. down.
Frank, we’re learning, is like a puppy dog that you can teach tricks to. Case #1) He walks up to Ali while reciting the poem. Lesson learned from Roberto Sauvé himself. Good job Spot, but next time Frank baby, please don’t cross your legs as you’re reciting poetry - it takes away from your masculinity. And as a passionate Manager of Contempo Casuals we know you need all you can get.
Let’s cut to the chase, winner of Shakespearian/Icelandic/poetry reading was porn star himself Mr. Kirk! Congratulations you win a one on one date with Jenna Jameson. Kidding, sorry to burst your bubble.
First date was cute, lots of fun in the sweater shop. Loved the matching sweaters, even better that they were hideous. We saw another side of Kirk at dinner and made me (oh and Ali) love him even more. Turns out he was very sick, went through some serious emotional and physical trauma but it made him revaluate his priorities in life. I’m not even going to say anything bad here. That's just messed up. You go Kirk! Back to business...and so that convo was sealed with a kiss...and a little clothes grabbing...and a little face stroking...hollllaaaa...it’s getting hot in here!
Back at the igloo Frank and Kasey are talking (they’re friends?) and Kasey confesses two big shockers:
1)He got a tattoo to be ‘something’
2)And that something was to be a man.
(Apparently folks he was a women before. That would explain the voice)
Onto group date with:
Roberto
Chris L
Chris N
Craig
Ty
Frank the tank
That leaves the two on one with Rated annoying and Charlie Brown’s teacher.
Group date
Horse back riding on ice. Wait, they have horses in Iceland? Wonder what language they speak? Ty rises from the dead and takes the lead on the group date. Well hello Cowboy, about freakin time. Giddy up. I’ve (I mean we’ve) been waiting for you to show up in your hazmat outfit (please return it to me asap, I’m in need of my go to date outfit) on your white horse/midget/horse looking donkey/thingy and save the day.
While Ty is busy lassoing Ali up, our boy Frank is busy feeling sorry for himself.
Then she tells him flat out I don’t know you exist on group dates. Slap! Ouch, that hurts but we know Frank is resilient like a puppy. All I can say about Ali and Frank is that Ali is definitely going to wear the pants; she might in fact even wear the jockstrap too.
The evening commences in the blue lagoon filled with healing properties and later that evening I’m sure lots of sperm. We learn that Ali is drunkies and likes to kiss lots of boys. Dejavu? After much anticipation the rose goes to...Ty and his ears. Congratulations you guys make a great pair. Your ears that is...not you and Ali.
Meanwhile the other guys are "devastated" that the rose went to his ears and a couple of them talk about how they are ready to propose and want to be the one at the end. REALLY? It’s been 3 weeks. Who are you people? Are you from Mars? You clearly aren’t from Cali or any other state that I’ve lived in for that matter. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many men dying to take the plunge. This is truly a phenomenon...there must be something in the water, ew hope it’s not the sperm.
Insert Hilton Hotel brand placement.
One on One date:
Let’s explore the land of fire and ice. Translation, Kasey let’s go bobsledding off a short glacier and Wrestler why don’t I watch you body slam the volcano. Yup sounds like a good time had by all.
Kasey shows up in his cute little Burberry scarf. How Metro of you and the Wrestler, sans crutches and sans girlfriends (apparently...says US Weekly...and they’re always right)
What appears to be a pretty amazing moment of them circling an active volcano unfortunately gets masked with Kasey and his nonstop babbling/commentary of the eruption (in detail) and I mean every detail. Kasey, you’re not Morgan Freeman and this is not a documentary on March of the Penguins. Zip it, no one understands you anyway.
As if we haven’t heard enough he goes off on another tangent of how this could possibly be his future wife. Who, the Wrestler? Aww, you’d make a great couple. I’ve basically come to the conclusion that Kasey is like a wind up Chuckey doll that says “I’ll guard and protect, I’ll guard and protect. Tattoo...tattoo, I’ll guard and protect. Here’s my heart jump in.” Yikes!! Poor boy, he’s definitely marching to the beat of his own drum...and banjo...and ukulele.
Shocker number two, the rose goes to the Wrestler AND Rated R? Ew you love yourself...get over it. Stop talking about yourself like you’re Hulk Holgan. No one was as cool as he was...in 1981. What year is it now?
Have to say for not having prior experience in dealing with mental patients I truly think Ali handled the divorce quite well. Her look said it all! Then she says, I don’t want to change you and what should have come out next, ummm I just want you to get away from me. Like now. Where’s a DSM manual when you need one? Hope they lined up a shrink and kept him on a 24 hr mandatory tattoo shop watch. She bids farewell, runs to the helicopter and like a bird flys far far away from him...basically gets the F out of dodge. See ya...wouldn’t want to be ya!
Final Rose Ceremony/Cocktail Party
What not to wear award goes to Kirk and his sweater. But he gets bonus points for his cuteness. Roberto you definitely have sauvé competition now. Step it up Latin Lover or step on over to my casa.
Frank’s potty training paid off. Case #2) He stepped it up by being the first to pull Ali aside for some one on one time. (Weatherman are you watching? Ask your mom or grandma, whoever you’re watching with, to get you a pen and paper and take notes. And please for the love of God stop drawing little hearts with Ali’s name in it. This too shall pass)
Craig got MAJOR points with one of the funniest lines in Bachelorette history. Although how hard is that? You're a funny man aren't you! Nice tattoo drawing on your arm. Hysterical!
Get ready. "I have silly side." Well I like Mexican food...I love teddy bears (oops, wrong contestant) and I do a really great deer in headlights impression. Wow Chris N. I wonder if you’re going to get a rose? (Deer in headlights look).
Final roses go to:
Frank Puppy dog Passion
Chris L (the original cowboy)
Roberto (where did you go? come back)
Ty, Kirk, and Rated-Go-home have roses already so that leaves...
Craig and his tattoo
Sorry Chris N. you and your funny personality get the boot. And his final words...”I’m at a loss for words” How appropriate. Maybe English wasn’t his first language, perhaps Icelandic?
Hope the limo had seat warmers, your tush is gonna need it.
Side note: I really want to know who’s the shmuck who sits in the limo and asks these broken hearted men (I mean aren’t they? This is/was your future wife for God sake) how they feel after they get dumped. Wait, are they hiring? Maybe I can get a job?
Now off to Turkey where hopefully the making out will be stepped up a notch. They're open with that kind of stuff aren't they?
Fskfjsd isjfjsldkjf Ali dfsdfsfjd ldjlsfjd sfjskldfjsldkfjslfj.
That’s’ Icelandic for Ali I will always guard and protect your heart.
Showing posts with label guard. Show all posts
Showing posts with label guard. Show all posts
One flew, soared, leaped, skipped, trotted, and moon walked over the Cuckoo's nest.
Sorry for the little delay I was at the tattoo parlor getting a tramp stamp of Ali’s face, so I can keep her close to my heart...I mean my ass. Thank you Kasey for your kind words of guarding and protecting Ali’s heart. I want to know where I can find a catch like you? I wouldn’t mind someone to guard and protect my heart...however, come to think of it at my age we all have something to guard and protect our hearts, it’s called bitterness and it works wonders. Wait, Ali is only 25 right? So yes, guard and protect away. Be the crazy man that we all know you can be. More on this wackjob later.
So the episode starts off with Chris rounding up a bunch of unfamiliar faces and telling them get ready you're going to travel around the world. Excuse me, did I hear that correctly? Ali is it too late to pretend like I’m a lesbian and try to “win your heart” as I travel around the world? Last time I checked my calendar I was available to gallivant around the world while pretending to like you in the meantime. Isn’t that what all the other guys are doing anyway? Sign me up please!
First stop NYC and first yellow sighting of the episode, no not the cabs, the beret on her head. We get it Ali, you’re beginning to cramp Big Birds style. Instyle decides to give Ali a makeover. Awesome! She arrives at their office and to her surprise it’s John C, the gay man she cut from the last rose ceremony, ready turn her relaxed California beach style into a more sophisticated NYC style. Ummm not really, you put boots and a trench coat on her and called it a day.
First one on one date
The first date with Kasey was pretty great for a couple reasons:
1) Helicopter ride over NYC (last time I checked that = pimp)
2) The noise of the helicopter was sure to drown out his voice and his ramblings about them floating like butterflies over the city. That my friends, is priceless.
But all good things have to come to and end and before we know it he’s busting out with his American Idol audition and to be honest, I couldn’t tell if he was singing or gargling. Mad props to Ali for holding it together as long as she did, she only let out 1 giggle. Impressive. I would have laughed in the guys face. But then again that’s why I’m not the Bachelorette.
A night at the museum begins and we soon learn that Kasey is "not your average guy.” Thank god and no shit. Again with the singing/gargling this time indoors so the acoustics were sure to vibrate the sound even more gracefully than before. God bless the mute button. At this point in their fake relationship Ali needs to ask herself one VERY important question. Can she live with that voice for the REST OF HER LIFE? Too bad he’s not in fact deaf that way they can just sign to each other and (half) of the torture would be over. Oh well for positive thinking.
“It’s just my heart, jump in stay for a while. I’m here to guard and protect your heart.” Kasey, those words...so amazing...so honest...so sincere...so freakin PSYCHO. And with that in mind Ali decides to keep him around longer. I think all the bleach is getting to your brain cells Ali. Please explain how this was a good decision on any level. Thank God that date is over and she can now stand in line for the restraining order, looks like she’ll need it very soon.
Group Date
Group date turns out to be Lion King + men in spandex + learning the Macarena or something like that. (side note, is it just me or is Roberto Cavalli getting hotter and hotter every time we see him?) So the 10th official singing contest begins. I’m seeing a theme, make it end please. Jesse out of nowhere busts out a half decent voice. (Wait for it..mental image of him with his tool belt, hard hat, hammer, and singing me sweet nothings and I mean nothing.) But it’s hot salsa man that looks her in the eyes (damn you’re good) and sings to her. Of course he gets the only hug (psst because she wants to bang you) and then he wins the date because of his “courage” and “truth”. Wait, isn’t that Kasey’s job? Back off Latin lover man there’s only room for one protector on the show.
Next thing we know Ali and Roberto are performing slow motion Kama sutra on strings...in the air. Pretty cool though that they were in the actual the Lion King production but sucks for all the people who spent money to actually see talented performers not reality TV stars on Broadway. Oh well, no one actually knew who they were (or weren’t) until they went to take a bow at the end and we see Ali chomping on her gum. Sorry didn’t mean to interrupt you, but thanks for coming out to take a bow at least. We’ll be sure to call you back to the stage sometime soon when we make Jersey Shore into a Broadway production.
After some jungle lovin Ali is pretty sick but still manages to make out with everyone else. Well almost everyone except, yes once again, the weatherman. On another side note Speedo man (Craig) is getting cuter as well. What’s going on with me? I'm definitely in heat. Back to the forecast, looks like it’s gonna be a cold dry spell for you dude. I was so embarrassed for twinkle toes when he tried to go up to Ali, he just wasn’t assertive enough. Cinderella, if you want the girl go after her. What’s gonna happen when you’re competing for her undying love with 11 other guys? Good thing it’s just you and Ali.
After a quick little make out session with Frank (and their perfectly positioned umbrellas so the cameras can get the right angle. Wow it’s so natural not like a soap opera at all) Ron Jeremy walks her to her room and tucks her into bed - where we seem to find them often. He kind of started getting a little creepy, with a quarter pound of cheese style. Just have a hunch he’s going to get even creepier.
Next one on one date was with Birthday Boy Chris L...hopefully in his birthday suit?? After how many weeks they get their first actual date! This translates to you passed the looks test and so I’ll keep you around a while to stare at you. OK this is where I start to break down and he steals my guarded and protected bitter heart. Date was canceled because Ali was sick so he goes to her hotel room instead (is this a guys dream or what) and he talks about how in marriage when your partner is sick you take care of each other, etc etc. Chris I’ll let you take care of me...oops sorry back to the show. He shows up at her door with flowers and soup. Apparently, he says, “Chicken noodle soup is supposed to make you feel better.” Ok it’s confirmed he’s definitely not a Jew. But who cares, with a heart like that I don’t care if you’re a scientologist. Wait, I have to think about that one. After the rainbow story of his mom and after I squeegeed my face from the tears that were rolling down it, we call my father in law, I mean Chris’ father so he can wish him a happy bday. Yup, I’m in love with him and his family. Ali looks like we’re gonna have to take this one outside. So, the chicken soup works, you can thank my grandma, and they are out and about on the town. Last stop, rooftop fully equipped with a singing choir who apparently had some chicken soup as well since they were full of life! Praise the lord, Hallelujah. All we needed was a rainbow to appear over the NYC skyline and I would have asked for a two for one rate at the tattoo parlor with Kasey.
Meanwhile psycho #1 (no I don’t mean myself) thought long and hard of a way to prove that he was genuine. Alas! He figured it out. I know he says to himself, and to his other personality, and to the other. Let’s get a Tattoo!
Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony
Apparently the weatherman had some of that chicken soup, either that or he grew some larger cojones, because he busted out the guitar and yet another bachelor attempted to win Ali’s love by singing her a tune.
When did this turn into the Sound of Music? The bachelors are becoming the Von Trapp family. Speaking of family Kasey didn’t want to leave out his band of brothers during his branding experience. Did they join a fraternity? I missed initiation night. So each one of the guys became a diamond in is heart and is now forever engraved on his wrist. He’s officially delusional. This would be a good time for someone to step in and call Dr. Phil. Reno 9-1-1, we have someone that escaped Alcatraz and should be added to America’s most wanted for shizz!
On that note the roses go to:
Ron Jeremy
Frank (get it together Frank, you're funny and cute but you looked like a disheveled mess)
Craig (somehow he’s growing on me like mold)
Chris N (when did they add new bachelors to the show?)
Roberto
A surprised wrestler
Ty (Are you the pizza guy?)
And the final rose...that leaves the Weatherman, Jesse, and the Psycho. I say knock them all down at once with a strike!
The final rose goes to Psycho and his new wrist.
Wow, Kasey is so bad he actually makes me heart the weatherman. Mr. Weatherman, I say you go get a tattoo of a cloud shaped like a heart and instead of a lightening bolt going through it, make it a rose...but a small one. That way you will forever remember your sweetie Ali and you will be forever reminded of how you told America you have a small package.
And now they’re off to Iceland just in time for the Volcano to erupt. This just keeps getting better...
So the episode starts off with Chris rounding up a bunch of unfamiliar faces and telling them get ready you're going to travel around the world. Excuse me, did I hear that correctly? Ali is it too late to pretend like I’m a lesbian and try to “win your heart” as I travel around the world? Last time I checked my calendar I was available to gallivant around the world while pretending to like you in the meantime. Isn’t that what all the other guys are doing anyway? Sign me up please!
First stop NYC and first yellow sighting of the episode, no not the cabs, the beret on her head. We get it Ali, you’re beginning to cramp Big Birds style. Instyle decides to give Ali a makeover. Awesome! She arrives at their office and to her surprise it’s John C, the gay man she cut from the last rose ceremony, ready turn her relaxed California beach style into a more sophisticated NYC style. Ummm not really, you put boots and a trench coat on her and called it a day.
First one on one date
The first date with Kasey was pretty great for a couple reasons:
1) Helicopter ride over NYC (last time I checked that = pimp)
2) The noise of the helicopter was sure to drown out his voice and his ramblings about them floating like butterflies over the city. That my friends, is priceless.
But all good things have to come to and end and before we know it he’s busting out with his American Idol audition and to be honest, I couldn’t tell if he was singing or gargling. Mad props to Ali for holding it together as long as she did, she only let out 1 giggle. Impressive. I would have laughed in the guys face. But then again that’s why I’m not the Bachelorette.
A night at the museum begins and we soon learn that Kasey is "not your average guy.” Thank god and no shit. Again with the singing/gargling this time indoors so the acoustics were sure to vibrate the sound even more gracefully than before. God bless the mute button. At this point in their fake relationship Ali needs to ask herself one VERY important question. Can she live with that voice for the REST OF HER LIFE? Too bad he’s not in fact deaf that way they can just sign to each other and (half) of the torture would be over. Oh well for positive thinking.
“It’s just my heart, jump in stay for a while. I’m here to guard and protect your heart.” Kasey, those words...so amazing...so honest...so sincere...so freakin PSYCHO. And with that in mind Ali decides to keep him around longer. I think all the bleach is getting to your brain cells Ali. Please explain how this was a good decision on any level. Thank God that date is over and she can now stand in line for the restraining order, looks like she’ll need it very soon.
Group Date
Group date turns out to be Lion King + men in spandex + learning the Macarena or something like that. (side note, is it just me or is Roberto Cavalli getting hotter and hotter every time we see him?) So the 10th official singing contest begins. I’m seeing a theme, make it end please. Jesse out of nowhere busts out a half decent voice. (Wait for it..mental image of him with his tool belt, hard hat, hammer, and singing me sweet nothings and I mean nothing.) But it’s hot salsa man that looks her in the eyes (damn you’re good) and sings to her. Of course he gets the only hug (psst because she wants to bang you) and then he wins the date because of his “courage” and “truth”. Wait, isn’t that Kasey’s job? Back off Latin lover man there’s only room for one protector on the show.
Next thing we know Ali and Roberto are performing slow motion Kama sutra on strings...in the air. Pretty cool though that they were in the actual the Lion King production but sucks for all the people who spent money to actually see talented performers not reality TV stars on Broadway. Oh well, no one actually knew who they were (or weren’t) until they went to take a bow at the end and we see Ali chomping on her gum. Sorry didn’t mean to interrupt you, but thanks for coming out to take a bow at least. We’ll be sure to call you back to the stage sometime soon when we make Jersey Shore into a Broadway production.
After some jungle lovin Ali is pretty sick but still manages to make out with everyone else. Well almost everyone except, yes once again, the weatherman. On another side note Speedo man (Craig) is getting cuter as well. What’s going on with me? I'm definitely in heat. Back to the forecast, looks like it’s gonna be a cold dry spell for you dude. I was so embarrassed for twinkle toes when he tried to go up to Ali, he just wasn’t assertive enough. Cinderella, if you want the girl go after her. What’s gonna happen when you’re competing for her undying love with 11 other guys? Good thing it’s just you and Ali.
After a quick little make out session with Frank (and their perfectly positioned umbrellas so the cameras can get the right angle. Wow it’s so natural not like a soap opera at all) Ron Jeremy walks her to her room and tucks her into bed - where we seem to find them often. He kind of started getting a little creepy, with a quarter pound of cheese style. Just have a hunch he’s going to get even creepier.
Next one on one date was with Birthday Boy Chris L...hopefully in his birthday suit?? After how many weeks they get their first actual date! This translates to you passed the looks test and so I’ll keep you around a while to stare at you. OK this is where I start to break down and he steals my guarded and protected bitter heart. Date was canceled because Ali was sick so he goes to her hotel room instead (is this a guys dream or what) and he talks about how in marriage when your partner is sick you take care of each other, etc etc. Chris I’ll let you take care of me...oops sorry back to the show. He shows up at her door with flowers and soup. Apparently, he says, “Chicken noodle soup is supposed to make you feel better.” Ok it’s confirmed he’s definitely not a Jew. But who cares, with a heart like that I don’t care if you’re a scientologist. Wait, I have to think about that one. After the rainbow story of his mom and after I squeegeed my face from the tears that were rolling down it, we call my father in law, I mean Chris’ father so he can wish him a happy bday. Yup, I’m in love with him and his family. Ali looks like we’re gonna have to take this one outside. So, the chicken soup works, you can thank my grandma, and they are out and about on the town. Last stop, rooftop fully equipped with a singing choir who apparently had some chicken soup as well since they were full of life! Praise the lord, Hallelujah. All we needed was a rainbow to appear over the NYC skyline and I would have asked for a two for one rate at the tattoo parlor with Kasey.
Meanwhile psycho #1 (no I don’t mean myself) thought long and hard of a way to prove that he was genuine. Alas! He figured it out. I know he says to himself, and to his other personality, and to the other. Let’s get a Tattoo!
Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony
Apparently the weatherman had some of that chicken soup, either that or he grew some larger cojones, because he busted out the guitar and yet another bachelor attempted to win Ali’s love by singing her a tune.
When did this turn into the Sound of Music? The bachelors are becoming the Von Trapp family. Speaking of family Kasey didn’t want to leave out his band of brothers during his branding experience. Did they join a fraternity? I missed initiation night. So each one of the guys became a diamond in is heart and is now forever engraved on his wrist. He’s officially delusional. This would be a good time for someone to step in and call Dr. Phil. Reno 9-1-1, we have someone that escaped Alcatraz and should be added to America’s most wanted for shizz!
On that note the roses go to:
Ron Jeremy
Frank (get it together Frank, you're funny and cute but you looked like a disheveled mess)
Craig (somehow he’s growing on me like mold)
Chris N (when did they add new bachelors to the show?)
Roberto
A surprised wrestler
Ty (Are you the pizza guy?)
And the final rose...that leaves the Weatherman, Jesse, and the Psycho. I say knock them all down at once with a strike!
The final rose goes to Psycho and his new wrist.
Wow, Kasey is so bad he actually makes me heart the weatherman. Mr. Weatherman, I say you go get a tattoo of a cloud shaped like a heart and instead of a lightening bolt going through it, make it a rose...but a small one. That way you will forever remember your sweetie Ali and you will be forever reminded of how you told America you have a small package.
And now they’re off to Iceland just in time for the Volcano to erupt. This just keeps getting better...
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