Showing posts with label Rated R. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rated R. Show all posts
Rated D for Douche
...99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer, take one down, pass his girlfriend around, 98 bottle of beer on the wall. Yup another one bites the dust...
Oh, Istanbul Turkey. Land of beautiful architecture, Turkish baths and multiple girlfriends. With an aerial shot of the city and the phallic symbols of the minarets and steeples on the Hagia Sophia (oh bet you didn’t think I knew that did ya?) the episode starts with a bang or shall I say a lost dog running around the city with his tail tucked between his legs.
First scene: Ali in hotel room. “I don’t think anything can go wrong at this point”………Knock Knock. (Enter Chris Harrison) duh duh duh dummmmmmm
Chris: Ali, I have some bad news to report
Ali: Oh no, is my spray tan coming off?
Chirs: Oh God no, you still look fierce baby. But we do have a douchebag alert on aisle 2.
Ali: (Silence)….Eye balls popping out of her head
Chris: Let me make a call on this strange device they call a land line. One of your former castmates, Jessie (you know the girl who never said anything) well she’s talking now and knows Rated R has girlfriend back home.
Ali: (Eyeballs still popping out of head)
[ring, ring…ring…ring…ring…ring…ring…..for god sake pick up already, Ali’s eyeballs are hanging on by a thread]
Jessie: Hello (in a casual voice as if she has no clue who’s calling)
Chris: Jessie, this is Chris Harrison. I have Ali here and she would like to use her lifeline.
Jessie: Hi Ali, it’s me Jessie, remember me? We were both fighting for that loser Jake and he picked Vienna over us. Well at least they’re happy together. Oops. Anyway, back to the topic. Funny enough I have a Rated R’s girlfriend here (it’s a small world after all...) and she wants to chit chat.
Rated R’s bitch: Hi (sniff sniff) Ali (sniff sniff). Rated R and I have been banging for years now, we’re in love, we’re getting married. I’m going to have his babies. They’re names are going to be Rated S, T & L. But he’s doing this to get famous because he has no talent of his own. Oh and btw he has another girlfriend, it’s the ring girl (sniff sniff sniff). I’m so sorry, at first I thought it was OK to have him go on a dating show and pretend like he likes you. Yes, at first it made SO much sense. But then after Rated R called me 100 times a day I realized that he’s crazy and maybe this was not a good idea…yeah.. maybe not so good. I’m so sorry, but wanna hang out when you get back and we’ll get a mani and pedi?
Ali: (Eyeballs back inside sockets after realizing she didn’t give a crap about this guy anyway) Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry you’ve had the unfortunate experience of knowing him the last couple years..he's scary...strange...and he needs a new wrestling name asap. Peace out!
And with that you can see the fire in Ali’s eyes. She storms off to the guys room and doesn’t even hesitate for a second. Lines them up (release the firing squad, they have those in Turkey right?) and starts in on him.
You can tell a lot about someone by the way they respond to a situation and his response spoke volumes. (Am I channeling Mother Teresa or something?)
Annnnnnnnd he’s off. Grabs his passport and wallet and he’s down the hall, in the lobby, climbing over waterfalls, over hedges, limping faster than he’s ever limped before (how much is he HATING his broken leg right now!). he’s a bird, he’s a plane… no he’s pathetic. Camera loses him, Ali’s yelling obscenities. Where’s Waldo? We lose him. And then he’s found. He limps over to Ali and sits there with his head down, no eye contact and says…..uhhuhh, stutter, stutter….she’s not my giiiirrrrllllll (stutter) frrieeennnndd. Actually I don’t even know what he was saying; I wasn’t even listening to him at that point. He needed to stop while he was ahead. He was making Tiger look like an honest man.
At that point Ali should have given him a donkey, a life vest and sent him on his way. Happy trails...to you....
Voicemail playing in the background while he was making his great escape from Alcatraz. Priceless. There was more emotion in the Gettysburg Address then the crap that was coming out of his mouth to his girlfriend or friend, whoever she was (rolling eyes). It was as if he was reading off a teleprompter. Well at least we know he doesn’t have that going for him either.
Survey says - Rated career/love life over.
Moral of the story: The truth shall set you free or pin you up against the wall and make you look like a sociopath. I think Jesse James is looking for a friend these days, I’ll hook you two up.
Too bad too because Kasey could have had one more day in paradise. But then again he would have probably looked like Rated R’s new BFF (man that guy gets around) by then and god forbid would have recorded a whole album already. Can’t believe I’m saying this but thank you Rated R, thank you for saving the day and my ears one limp at a time.
Enough with him and his shananagans. (woah I sound like my grandma) Now back to real life. Ali has a fiancé to hunt down.
One on one date with Ty. “Let’s get steamy and tie (so clever) each other up”
Ali’s waiting in the city for Ty, looking slightly like a butch lesbian in that vest and collar shirt and Ty shows up wearing a Mercedes Benz emblem looking thing around his neck. WTF was that?
One word on their date. Awesome. The Turkish bath was pretty amazing, the architecture, the history, the massaging going on between them. Heaven! Ty I don’t know if it’s the architecture I’m falling in love with or you? Where did you come from? My mind is definitely playing tricks on me. And your ears don’t even look big anymore. Ok it must be love. And yes he’s planning their honeymoon already. What?! And wait, he’s been married? What, what?! When did I miss that one? Oh well, at least he got the first one out of the way. I think divorced men are like a good pair of broken in shoes. You don’t even want to put them on right away because you know they’re too stiff and will hurt you. You need one that has walked around a little and is broken in already. Better they mess up with the first one then with you and then they’re ready to go, for real. Unless of course that person got divorced because. she. Gulp. worked? Wait, women work? They’re not barefoot and preggers in the kitchen? I see a red flag emerging from behind the clouds (weatherman you should have warned us). Remember I am the relationship expert. I’m just saying...Ali will not be ok with Ty holding back her free spirit. But hey, I think Jake is available now and if I remember correctly he told us 100 times how traditional he was. I mean he did pick Virginia, I mean Vienna.
Group Date:
Chris (finally don’t need to use his last name anymore)
Craig
Roberto
Kirk
Olive Oil Wresting? Are you kidding? This is my dream date. The Olive Oil, not the wrestling. I loooooooooooooove Olive Oil. For once I’m not joking people. Oh and side note ladies. Olive oil is a great face and hair mask. It works wonders. Back to this blog, the beauty blog will be the next endeavor. Rated single, you’re so pissed you missed this one aren’t you?
“I fight with words not my body”. I do too Craig, it’s called being a bitch.
Craig 1, Chris 0
Roberto 1, Kirk 0
Salsa vs. the electric slide. And the electric slide prevails!
Not much to say on their date, it was fun for Ali...like it’s fun to hang out with your brother...you know...
Next one on one date with Full of Feelings Franky.
They start their date off with a little shopping and Frank is just so happy to be with Ali he would even try on a ridiculous hat and does not care. Or better yet buy a rug. I’m not going to buy it, I’m not going to buy it, I’m not, I’m not, I’m not. Ok fine. Will you roll it up for me? He will need it to fly back to the U.S. when he gets scared and runs away. (hey that’s what the previews are showing us) And since he's such a nice guy he'll pick up Rated R and his donkey, and then swing by Iceland to dig Kasey out of the glacier. He’s still lying there trying to figure out what he did? Was it his singing? Couldn’t be the tattoo. Nope. Not that.
They arrive at their destination for dinner and in the words of ex bachelor Jason “Amazing”. Dude, not fair, I’d even fall in love with Ali there. So romantic, the candles, the water, the architecture. Ali, there's something I need to tell you...
So like Moses they walk through the water and get to their dinner. Frank and Ali are all smiles (I’m sure the wine has nothing to do with it) and Frank says he feels out of touch with his feelings. Let’s see. Artsy, creative, emotional….can we say Pisces?? (Meanwhile the drips of water in the background are making me have to pee) Frank, I have to say, I love your vulnerability. Keep it up. (Fist pump) Oh no, Ali starts up with Frank has the potential to break her heart. But she gives him the rose and her vajayjay (oops that’s for later).
Rose ceremony and cocktail party. Siiiiiiiike. She already knows who’s being fired, no need to bs, just get to the point.
6 guys, 5 roses, who will stay, who will go? (I’ve been dying to say that. Wow need to get out more)
Ty and Franky Panky have roses so first rose goes to...
Roberto. Now put the rose in your mouth and do the Tango.
Second rose goes to...
Chris (you look beautiful btw, he tells her. Awww, ok here’s 2 roses for you)
Final rose goes to...
Kirk - they haven’t made out in a while, what’s going on?
Sorry Craig, don’t think you can argue or wrestle your way out of this one. You know we’re getting serious now when she walks him out. He’s the first. The next one to be walked out will stop half way before they get to the limo and take a seat on a strategically placed bench in the middle of a rainforest or desert, wherever they may be.
Poor guy, he honestly looked really sad. Don’t worry dude, once again you’re 27, in man years that’s like 14. Just go on match and bang some chicks, you’ll bounce back. Ohhh and he doesn’t even get a limo, he gets a minivan. Who’s driving? Weatherman why do you keep popping up?
Off to Portugal they go, living the dream and guarding and protecting Ali’s heart one country at a time.
Credits:
I would like to thank the $3.99 bottle of Trader Joes Pinot Grigio for making all of the above words possible.
One flew, soared, leaped, skipped, trotted, and moon walked over the Cuckoo's nest.
Sorry for the little delay I was at the tattoo parlor getting a tramp stamp of Ali’s face, so I can keep her close to my heart...I mean my ass. Thank you Kasey for your kind words of guarding and protecting Ali’s heart. I want to know where I can find a catch like you? I wouldn’t mind someone to guard and protect my heart...however, come to think of it at my age we all have something to guard and protect our hearts, it’s called bitterness and it works wonders. Wait, Ali is only 25 right? So yes, guard and protect away. Be the crazy man that we all know you can be. More on this wackjob later.
So the episode starts off with Chris rounding up a bunch of unfamiliar faces and telling them get ready you're going to travel around the world. Excuse me, did I hear that correctly? Ali is it too late to pretend like I’m a lesbian and try to “win your heart” as I travel around the world? Last time I checked my calendar I was available to gallivant around the world while pretending to like you in the meantime. Isn’t that what all the other guys are doing anyway? Sign me up please!
First stop NYC and first yellow sighting of the episode, no not the cabs, the beret on her head. We get it Ali, you’re beginning to cramp Big Birds style. Instyle decides to give Ali a makeover. Awesome! She arrives at their office and to her surprise it’s John C, the gay man she cut from the last rose ceremony, ready turn her relaxed California beach style into a more sophisticated NYC style. Ummm not really, you put boots and a trench coat on her and called it a day.
First one on one date
The first date with Kasey was pretty great for a couple reasons:
1) Helicopter ride over NYC (last time I checked that = pimp)
2) The noise of the helicopter was sure to drown out his voice and his ramblings about them floating like butterflies over the city. That my friends, is priceless.
But all good things have to come to and end and before we know it he’s busting out with his American Idol audition and to be honest, I couldn’t tell if he was singing or gargling. Mad props to Ali for holding it together as long as she did, she only let out 1 giggle. Impressive. I would have laughed in the guys face. But then again that’s why I’m not the Bachelorette.
A night at the museum begins and we soon learn that Kasey is "not your average guy.” Thank god and no shit. Again with the singing/gargling this time indoors so the acoustics were sure to vibrate the sound even more gracefully than before. God bless the mute button. At this point in their fake relationship Ali needs to ask herself one VERY important question. Can she live with that voice for the REST OF HER LIFE? Too bad he’s not in fact deaf that way they can just sign to each other and (half) of the torture would be over. Oh well for positive thinking.
“It’s just my heart, jump in stay for a while. I’m here to guard and protect your heart.” Kasey, those words...so amazing...so honest...so sincere...so freakin PSYCHO. And with that in mind Ali decides to keep him around longer. I think all the bleach is getting to your brain cells Ali. Please explain how this was a good decision on any level. Thank God that date is over and she can now stand in line for the restraining order, looks like she’ll need it very soon.
Group Date
Group date turns out to be Lion King + men in spandex + learning the Macarena or something like that. (side note, is it just me or is Roberto Cavalli getting hotter and hotter every time we see him?) So the 10th official singing contest begins. I’m seeing a theme, make it end please. Jesse out of nowhere busts out a half decent voice. (Wait for it..mental image of him with his tool belt, hard hat, hammer, and singing me sweet nothings and I mean nothing.) But it’s hot salsa man that looks her in the eyes (damn you’re good) and sings to her. Of course he gets the only hug (psst because she wants to bang you) and then he wins the date because of his “courage” and “truth”. Wait, isn’t that Kasey’s job? Back off Latin lover man there’s only room for one protector on the show.
Next thing we know Ali and Roberto are performing slow motion Kama sutra on strings...in the air. Pretty cool though that they were in the actual the Lion King production but sucks for all the people who spent money to actually see talented performers not reality TV stars on Broadway. Oh well, no one actually knew who they were (or weren’t) until they went to take a bow at the end and we see Ali chomping on her gum. Sorry didn’t mean to interrupt you, but thanks for coming out to take a bow at least. We’ll be sure to call you back to the stage sometime soon when we make Jersey Shore into a Broadway production.
After some jungle lovin Ali is pretty sick but still manages to make out with everyone else. Well almost everyone except, yes once again, the weatherman. On another side note Speedo man (Craig) is getting cuter as well. What’s going on with me? I'm definitely in heat. Back to the forecast, looks like it’s gonna be a cold dry spell for you dude. I was so embarrassed for twinkle toes when he tried to go up to Ali, he just wasn’t assertive enough. Cinderella, if you want the girl go after her. What’s gonna happen when you’re competing for her undying love with 11 other guys? Good thing it’s just you and Ali.
After a quick little make out session with Frank (and their perfectly positioned umbrellas so the cameras can get the right angle. Wow it’s so natural not like a soap opera at all) Ron Jeremy walks her to her room and tucks her into bed - where we seem to find them often. He kind of started getting a little creepy, with a quarter pound of cheese style. Just have a hunch he’s going to get even creepier.
Next one on one date was with Birthday Boy Chris L...hopefully in his birthday suit?? After how many weeks they get their first actual date! This translates to you passed the looks test and so I’ll keep you around a while to stare at you. OK this is where I start to break down and he steals my guarded and protected bitter heart. Date was canceled because Ali was sick so he goes to her hotel room instead (is this a guys dream or what) and he talks about how in marriage when your partner is sick you take care of each other, etc etc. Chris I’ll let you take care of me...oops sorry back to the show. He shows up at her door with flowers and soup. Apparently, he says, “Chicken noodle soup is supposed to make you feel better.” Ok it’s confirmed he’s definitely not a Jew. But who cares, with a heart like that I don’t care if you’re a scientologist. Wait, I have to think about that one. After the rainbow story of his mom and after I squeegeed my face from the tears that were rolling down it, we call my father in law, I mean Chris’ father so he can wish him a happy bday. Yup, I’m in love with him and his family. Ali looks like we’re gonna have to take this one outside. So, the chicken soup works, you can thank my grandma, and they are out and about on the town. Last stop, rooftop fully equipped with a singing choir who apparently had some chicken soup as well since they were full of life! Praise the lord, Hallelujah. All we needed was a rainbow to appear over the NYC skyline and I would have asked for a two for one rate at the tattoo parlor with Kasey.
Meanwhile psycho #1 (no I don’t mean myself) thought long and hard of a way to prove that he was genuine. Alas! He figured it out. I know he says to himself, and to his other personality, and to the other. Let’s get a Tattoo!
Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony
Apparently the weatherman had some of that chicken soup, either that or he grew some larger cojones, because he busted out the guitar and yet another bachelor attempted to win Ali’s love by singing her a tune.
When did this turn into the Sound of Music? The bachelors are becoming the Von Trapp family. Speaking of family Kasey didn’t want to leave out his band of brothers during his branding experience. Did they join a fraternity? I missed initiation night. So each one of the guys became a diamond in is heart and is now forever engraved on his wrist. He’s officially delusional. This would be a good time for someone to step in and call Dr. Phil. Reno 9-1-1, we have someone that escaped Alcatraz and should be added to America’s most wanted for shizz!
On that note the roses go to:
Ron Jeremy
Frank (get it together Frank, you're funny and cute but you looked like a disheveled mess)
Craig (somehow he’s growing on me like mold)
Chris N (when did they add new bachelors to the show?)
Roberto
A surprised wrestler
Ty (Are you the pizza guy?)
And the final rose...that leaves the Weatherman, Jesse, and the Psycho. I say knock them all down at once with a strike!
The final rose goes to Psycho and his new wrist.
Wow, Kasey is so bad he actually makes me heart the weatherman. Mr. Weatherman, I say you go get a tattoo of a cloud shaped like a heart and instead of a lightening bolt going through it, make it a rose...but a small one. That way you will forever remember your sweetie Ali and you will be forever reminded of how you told America you have a small package.
And now they’re off to Iceland just in time for the Volcano to erupt. This just keeps getting better...
So the episode starts off with Chris rounding up a bunch of unfamiliar faces and telling them get ready you're going to travel around the world. Excuse me, did I hear that correctly? Ali is it too late to pretend like I’m a lesbian and try to “win your heart” as I travel around the world? Last time I checked my calendar I was available to gallivant around the world while pretending to like you in the meantime. Isn’t that what all the other guys are doing anyway? Sign me up please!
First stop NYC and first yellow sighting of the episode, no not the cabs, the beret on her head. We get it Ali, you’re beginning to cramp Big Birds style. Instyle decides to give Ali a makeover. Awesome! She arrives at their office and to her surprise it’s John C, the gay man she cut from the last rose ceremony, ready turn her relaxed California beach style into a more sophisticated NYC style. Ummm not really, you put boots and a trench coat on her and called it a day.
First one on one date
The first date with Kasey was pretty great for a couple reasons:
1) Helicopter ride over NYC (last time I checked that = pimp)
2) The noise of the helicopter was sure to drown out his voice and his ramblings about them floating like butterflies over the city. That my friends, is priceless.
But all good things have to come to and end and before we know it he’s busting out with his American Idol audition and to be honest, I couldn’t tell if he was singing or gargling. Mad props to Ali for holding it together as long as she did, she only let out 1 giggle. Impressive. I would have laughed in the guys face. But then again that’s why I’m not the Bachelorette.
A night at the museum begins and we soon learn that Kasey is "not your average guy.” Thank god and no shit. Again with the singing/gargling this time indoors so the acoustics were sure to vibrate the sound even more gracefully than before. God bless the mute button. At this point in their fake relationship Ali needs to ask herself one VERY important question. Can she live with that voice for the REST OF HER LIFE? Too bad he’s not in fact deaf that way they can just sign to each other and (half) of the torture would be over. Oh well for positive thinking.
“It’s just my heart, jump in stay for a while. I’m here to guard and protect your heart.” Kasey, those words...so amazing...so honest...so sincere...so freakin PSYCHO. And with that in mind Ali decides to keep him around longer. I think all the bleach is getting to your brain cells Ali. Please explain how this was a good decision on any level. Thank God that date is over and she can now stand in line for the restraining order, looks like she’ll need it very soon.
Group Date
Group date turns out to be Lion King + men in spandex + learning the Macarena or something like that. (side note, is it just me or is Roberto Cavalli getting hotter and hotter every time we see him?) So the 10th official singing contest begins. I’m seeing a theme, make it end please. Jesse out of nowhere busts out a half decent voice. (Wait for it..mental image of him with his tool belt, hard hat, hammer, and singing me sweet nothings and I mean nothing.) But it’s hot salsa man that looks her in the eyes (damn you’re good) and sings to her. Of course he gets the only hug (psst because she wants to bang you) and then he wins the date because of his “courage” and “truth”. Wait, isn’t that Kasey’s job? Back off Latin lover man there’s only room for one protector on the show.
Next thing we know Ali and Roberto are performing slow motion Kama sutra on strings...in the air. Pretty cool though that they were in the actual the Lion King production but sucks for all the people who spent money to actually see talented performers not reality TV stars on Broadway. Oh well, no one actually knew who they were (or weren’t) until they went to take a bow at the end and we see Ali chomping on her gum. Sorry didn’t mean to interrupt you, but thanks for coming out to take a bow at least. We’ll be sure to call you back to the stage sometime soon when we make Jersey Shore into a Broadway production.
After some jungle lovin Ali is pretty sick but still manages to make out with everyone else. Well almost everyone except, yes once again, the weatherman. On another side note Speedo man (Craig) is getting cuter as well. What’s going on with me? I'm definitely in heat. Back to the forecast, looks like it’s gonna be a cold dry spell for you dude. I was so embarrassed for twinkle toes when he tried to go up to Ali, he just wasn’t assertive enough. Cinderella, if you want the girl go after her. What’s gonna happen when you’re competing for her undying love with 11 other guys? Good thing it’s just you and Ali.
After a quick little make out session with Frank (and their perfectly positioned umbrellas so the cameras can get the right angle. Wow it’s so natural not like a soap opera at all) Ron Jeremy walks her to her room and tucks her into bed - where we seem to find them often. He kind of started getting a little creepy, with a quarter pound of cheese style. Just have a hunch he’s going to get even creepier.
Next one on one date was with Birthday Boy Chris L...hopefully in his birthday suit?? After how many weeks they get their first actual date! This translates to you passed the looks test and so I’ll keep you around a while to stare at you. OK this is where I start to break down and he steals my guarded and protected bitter heart. Date was canceled because Ali was sick so he goes to her hotel room instead (is this a guys dream or what) and he talks about how in marriage when your partner is sick you take care of each other, etc etc. Chris I’ll let you take care of me...oops sorry back to the show. He shows up at her door with flowers and soup. Apparently, he says, “Chicken noodle soup is supposed to make you feel better.” Ok it’s confirmed he’s definitely not a Jew. But who cares, with a heart like that I don’t care if you’re a scientologist. Wait, I have to think about that one. After the rainbow story of his mom and after I squeegeed my face from the tears that were rolling down it, we call my father in law, I mean Chris’ father so he can wish him a happy bday. Yup, I’m in love with him and his family. Ali looks like we’re gonna have to take this one outside. So, the chicken soup works, you can thank my grandma, and they are out and about on the town. Last stop, rooftop fully equipped with a singing choir who apparently had some chicken soup as well since they were full of life! Praise the lord, Hallelujah. All we needed was a rainbow to appear over the NYC skyline and I would have asked for a two for one rate at the tattoo parlor with Kasey.
Meanwhile psycho #1 (no I don’t mean myself) thought long and hard of a way to prove that he was genuine. Alas! He figured it out. I know he says to himself, and to his other personality, and to the other. Let’s get a Tattoo!
Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony
Apparently the weatherman had some of that chicken soup, either that or he grew some larger cojones, because he busted out the guitar and yet another bachelor attempted to win Ali’s love by singing her a tune.
When did this turn into the Sound of Music? The bachelors are becoming the Von Trapp family. Speaking of family Kasey didn’t want to leave out his band of brothers during his branding experience. Did they join a fraternity? I missed initiation night. So each one of the guys became a diamond in is heart and is now forever engraved on his wrist. He’s officially delusional. This would be a good time for someone to step in and call Dr. Phil. Reno 9-1-1, we have someone that escaped Alcatraz and should be added to America’s most wanted for shizz!
On that note the roses go to:
Ron Jeremy
Frank (get it together Frank, you're funny and cute but you looked like a disheveled mess)
Craig (somehow he’s growing on me like mold)
Chris N (when did they add new bachelors to the show?)
Roberto
A surprised wrestler
Ty (Are you the pizza guy?)
And the final rose...that leaves the Weatherman, Jesse, and the Psycho. I say knock them all down at once with a strike!
The final rose goes to Psycho and his new wrist.
Wow, Kasey is so bad he actually makes me heart the weatherman. Mr. Weatherman, I say you go get a tattoo of a cloud shaped like a heart and instead of a lightening bolt going through it, make it a rose...but a small one. That way you will forever remember your sweetie Ali and you will be forever reminded of how you told America you have a small package.
And now they’re off to Iceland just in time for the Volcano to erupt. This just keeps getting better...
Don’t cry for me Argentina....
...unless you’re Roberto then please, please cry...in espanol...and don’t stop!
I’m all about men showing emotion, however, (comma) please have a real reason otherwise you just look like a pansy. Yup, I said pansy.
First date was with Roberto, I wanna salsa with you, Cavalli. Yummy, I’ll take 2 to go please.
The date starts off with you know, typical helicopter action picking you up. In all seriousness, ok not really serious at all, it’s unfortunate that more guys don’t watch the Bachelorette because they really need to step it up a notch with dates now. Gone are the days when the guy comes to pick you up at your house in his Honda. Nowadays, if Mr. date man doesn’t pick us up in his helicopter and float us through the sky like a magic carpet ride as we overlook the Hollywood sign we’re thinking...he’s just not that into us for sure. (kidding, all normal men please continue to apply.)
Back to the low-key first date. The helicopter drops them off on top of a building and they have to walk across a tight rope in order to get their dinner. (Once again, normal.) All I want to know is what producer paid Ali to say “Are you ready to fall for me” before they started walking the line. Barf. So cheesy, I definitely needed some wine with that.
I was however very impressed with Roberto’s smoooooothness of kissing her in the middle of the tight rope. Note to men, if you want to ensure that the girl is going to be putty in your arms please follow these simple rules:
1) Make sure to kiss her 1000 ft up in the air. Definitely the way to lock her in emotionally. Cha-ching!
2) Do the good ‘ol hug around the back, arms around you and say (as you are watching an incredible sunset) “I really hope to watch a lot more of these with you.”
Ok Roberto, you win, I’m falling for you! Roberto 50 pts. all other guys currently zero.
Pssst, Ali the back of your bra was showing during your date.
First group date begins with the following specimens:
Kirk
John C
Chris
Frank
Jonathan
Rated R
Jesse
Chris L
Craig
...Come rock Ali’s world...
Before I begin the group date did anyone else hear Kasey in his interview? He did NOT just say I would love to show Ali my voice a little bit (regarding singing) ummmmm, are my ears clean? Who else picked up on that? (Deer in headlights look)
Barenaked. Ladies. Are they still alive? It’s kinda like a child star doing a slim shake commercial. Capital A for Awkward? Yes, no? So as they are making a music video for their comeback. Or maybe they never even left? I have no idea.
I think there was a little foreshadowing with John C. Poor little gay man, he was the only one that did not have any contact with Ali. Classic. John I love you, let’s go shopping but you got that scene because you’re gay. Pass it on.
The weatherman, WTF! Houston we have a problem on many levels.
First, what was that whale like/mating call sound that came out of your mouth, or nose. I’m not even sure. Once again if you DVR’d it go back when you are having a bad day and replay. It will be sure to make you laugh, and snot may even come out of your nose if your lucky.
Second, poor guy couldn’t even kiss her and he cries. Ali felt so bad that the guys were laughing she had to take charge. (red flag #34234234. Last time I checked Ali was looking for a dude not a chick. Her having to take charge of the situation…..Roberto 50, Weatherman -10. Oops forgot the mating call noise. Weatherman -20.) Third, weatherman once again TMI. Rocket ship? Explosion? What, in your pants? Gross, gross, gross. -85
Not much else to say about the really cool music video other than Kirk (is that his name?) and Ali missed the memo and thought they were making a porn. I almost wanted to pause to get a bag of popcorn. After party (at hotel lobby) continues with the makeout session in the hot tub (hot tub makeout session reminds me of my girl Jillian, cheers to my homegirl. Hope her and Eddie magic pants are doing well).
So the Rose for that evening goes to drumroll...
Ron Jeremy, I mean Kirk. Kirk, please accept this rose and use it as the set decoration in our next porn. Btw, have they ever even talked? Or just kissed? Oh well, whatever makes you happy Ali, I’m just here for the entertainment.
Ok, I have to be honest, I’m torn. I really can’t decide if Rated R just crossed over into stalkervilleland (please stay for a while and boil some bunnies) or if that was a good move on his part. I’m gonna say, hmmmm...way to tap into the nostalgia with the pictures of the fam. Rated R is now PG-13, please stay tuned with more to come on this character.
Back at the ranch the date card comes for Hunter. Ali picks him up in her oversized, non flattering T-shirt. Clearly she is excited about this one. On the date Hunter basically tells Ali, you go out, bring home the Bacon and I’ll stay home and wipe the kid’s butts. Yeah, that went over well. Ali was so bored in the hot tub she’s playing “ping-pong in her head” (Flashman original).
Not much else happened on the date, besides the crickets chirping in the background so I’ll just get to the most dramatic moment. Ali to Hunter: “I don’t think there is a strong romantic connection. But thank you for being so great.” Ohhh low blow to Hunter. Please leave your balls at the door, do not pass go and do not collect $200. Thank you for flying Ali Airlines. To top it off Ali kicked him where it counts again at the Rose ceremony as she toasts “to Hunter” basically for being a loser. Aww Hunter I think you’re swell. Oops just punched you a third time. Damn.
Only thing really worth mentioning at the cocktail party was Kasey calling PG-13 creepy. Let me get this right, HE called HIM creepy?? (Insert crickets in background from Ali and Hunters date)
Final roses go to:
Chris L
Jesse (thank you for dressing up for the occasion, didn’t mean to bother you when you were laying drywall)
Chris N (Who are you and how did you get here?)
Ty (ditto)
Kasey
Frank (passion fruit)
Weatherman (what? total sympathy card there)
PG-13
Craig R. (red speedo man)
And it turns out the Village people don’t get a rose (Steve and John C.) Sorry guys, see you in Miami. Let’s meet up at Dash.
I’m all about men showing emotion, however, (comma) please have a real reason otherwise you just look like a pansy. Yup, I said pansy.
First date was with Roberto, I wanna salsa with you, Cavalli. Yummy, I’ll take 2 to go please.
The date starts off with you know, typical helicopter action picking you up. In all seriousness, ok not really serious at all, it’s unfortunate that more guys don’t watch the Bachelorette because they really need to step it up a notch with dates now. Gone are the days when the guy comes to pick you up at your house in his Honda. Nowadays, if Mr. date man doesn’t pick us up in his helicopter and float us through the sky like a magic carpet ride as we overlook the Hollywood sign we’re thinking...he’s just not that into us for sure. (kidding, all normal men please continue to apply.)
Back to the low-key first date. The helicopter drops them off on top of a building and they have to walk across a tight rope in order to get their dinner. (Once again, normal.) All I want to know is what producer paid Ali to say “Are you ready to fall for me” before they started walking the line. Barf. So cheesy, I definitely needed some wine with that.
I was however very impressed with Roberto’s smoooooothness of kissing her in the middle of the tight rope. Note to men, if you want to ensure that the girl is going to be putty in your arms please follow these simple rules:
1) Make sure to kiss her 1000 ft up in the air. Definitely the way to lock her in emotionally. Cha-ching!
2) Do the good ‘ol hug around the back, arms around you and say (as you are watching an incredible sunset) “I really hope to watch a lot more of these with you.”
Ok Roberto, you win, I’m falling for you! Roberto 50 pts. all other guys currently zero.
Pssst, Ali the back of your bra was showing during your date.
First group date begins with the following specimens:
Kirk
John C
Chris
Frank
Jonathan
Rated R
Jesse
Chris L
Craig
...Come rock Ali’s world...
Before I begin the group date did anyone else hear Kasey in his interview? He did NOT just say I would love to show Ali my voice a little bit (regarding singing) ummmmm, are my ears clean? Who else picked up on that? (Deer in headlights look)
Barenaked. Ladies. Are they still alive? It’s kinda like a child star doing a slim shake commercial. Capital A for Awkward? Yes, no? So as they are making a music video for their comeback. Or maybe they never even left? I have no idea.
I think there was a little foreshadowing with John C. Poor little gay man, he was the only one that did not have any contact with Ali. Classic. John I love you, let’s go shopping but you got that scene because you’re gay. Pass it on.
The weatherman, WTF! Houston we have a problem on many levels.
First, what was that whale like/mating call sound that came out of your mouth, or nose. I’m not even sure. Once again if you DVR’d it go back when you are having a bad day and replay. It will be sure to make you laugh, and snot may even come out of your nose if your lucky.
Second, poor guy couldn’t even kiss her and he cries. Ali felt so bad that the guys were laughing she had to take charge. (red flag #34234234. Last time I checked Ali was looking for a dude not a chick. Her having to take charge of the situation…..Roberto 50, Weatherman -10. Oops forgot the mating call noise. Weatherman -20.) Third, weatherman once again TMI. Rocket ship? Explosion? What, in your pants? Gross, gross, gross. -85
Not much else to say about the really cool music video other than Kirk (is that his name?) and Ali missed the memo and thought they were making a porn. I almost wanted to pause to get a bag of popcorn. After party (at hotel lobby) continues with the makeout session in the hot tub (hot tub makeout session reminds me of my girl Jillian, cheers to my homegirl. Hope her and Eddie magic pants are doing well).
So the Rose for that evening goes to drumroll...
Ron Jeremy, I mean Kirk. Kirk, please accept this rose and use it as the set decoration in our next porn. Btw, have they ever even talked? Or just kissed? Oh well, whatever makes you happy Ali, I’m just here for the entertainment.
Ok, I have to be honest, I’m torn. I really can’t decide if Rated R just crossed over into stalkervilleland (please stay for a while and boil some bunnies) or if that was a good move on his part. I’m gonna say, hmmmm...way to tap into the nostalgia with the pictures of the fam. Rated R is now PG-13, please stay tuned with more to come on this character.
Back at the ranch the date card comes for Hunter. Ali picks him up in her oversized, non flattering T-shirt. Clearly she is excited about this one. On the date Hunter basically tells Ali, you go out, bring home the Bacon and I’ll stay home and wipe the kid’s butts. Yeah, that went over well. Ali was so bored in the hot tub she’s playing “ping-pong in her head” (Flashman original).
Not much else happened on the date, besides the crickets chirping in the background so I’ll just get to the most dramatic moment. Ali to Hunter: “I don’t think there is a strong romantic connection. But thank you for being so great.” Ohhh low blow to Hunter. Please leave your balls at the door, do not pass go and do not collect $200. Thank you for flying Ali Airlines. To top it off Ali kicked him where it counts again at the Rose ceremony as she toasts “to Hunter” basically for being a loser. Aww Hunter I think you’re swell. Oops just punched you a third time. Damn.
Only thing really worth mentioning at the cocktail party was Kasey calling PG-13 creepy. Let me get this right, HE called HIM creepy?? (Insert crickets in background from Ali and Hunters date)
Final roses go to:
Chris L
Jesse (thank you for dressing up for the occasion, didn’t mean to bother you when you were laying drywall)
Chris N (Who are you and how did you get here?)
Ty (ditto)
Kasey
Frank (passion fruit)
Weatherman (what? total sympathy card there)
PG-13
Craig R. (red speedo man)
And it turns out the Village people don’t get a rose (Steve and John C.) Sorry guys, see you in Miami. Let’s meet up at Dash.
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