Are you my Father?

Yes, just like the children’s book.

Volume I, Are You My Mother? was sold out within the first 10 minutes of episode 1. Due to this overwhelming demand they had to publish an updated edition appropriate for this seasons theme.

Next up, Are You My Gardener? You told me I was the only bush you liked.

Somehow I stumbled upon the application for The Bachelor and it looked something like this:

To be accepted on Brad’s season of the Bachelor, please make sure all of the below requirements apply.

1) You were abandoned or dropped on your head by your father.
2) When we say Who’s your daddy? You immediately think of Brad.
3) The only male figure in your life was your Gardner, please see above and keep your bush to yourself.

Thank God we have a therapist on this season because yes, everyone has daddy issues.

Interlude:
Due to unforeseen circumstances, (aka, my new demanding job) I am forced to turn this blog into my version of Cliff notes. DT Notes it is.

Hopefully you will still laugh even if it’s half the amount. What can I say? Daddy is cutting me off and I have to make a living somehow.

Back

One on one date with Ashley:

We start off with entertainment sounding like it came from a Cruise ship. Close your eyes and you’ll totally believe you’re in the “Seagull Lounge” on a Carnival Cruise line. Yes, I know from experience. Don’t ask. I’m still recovering.

Ashley is overwhelmed with emotion. All of which every one (except her) can tell it is from her Father. Yet she thinks the tears are a sign of her love for Brad. Oh honey..it’s too soon to start this nonsense. But thank you for the early entertainment.

Brad to Ashley: “Thank you. for. opening up. I. really appreciate. it. “
(Clearly he went to the same speech class as our favorite Bachelor from Cape Cod).
My advice to the lady: Take the rose beatch before he changes his mind again.

Group Date: Love Hurts – Michelle cries, take IV

How Hollywood, they’re filming an adventure movie.

Funeral Director takes one for the team (the living and the dead….oh…he doesn’t know about this yet….can’t wait to see his reaction. Scratch that, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen him have a reaction - to anything).

Question: When did Michelle become the narrator for the show? I constantly hear her voice, Chris where did you go? Come back, I need you daddy.

Rose goes to funeral director. Is this the kiss of death? I bet she hopes so. Sorry couldn’t resist.

One on one date with Barbie:

A couple things Emily has motivated me to do:
1)Pretend I have a southern accent
2)Get a tan
3)Loose 100 lbs
4)Prepare my teeth as if I’m going to be in a crest commercial
5)Start a petition for her as the new bachelor. Yeah I know she’s still on the show, but let’s face it a sweet girl like her needs a guy with a personality. Let’s not pretend like Brad is capable of the impossible.

Lesson #1 of the day: What not to ask a widow.
“So why did your last relationship end?”

What elephant in the room? I didn’t notice it. Just the platypus in the corner.

Sidenote: I started my own drinking game every time she talked about her tragic story. By the end of the show I was carried home like a drunken sailer and now I need Brad’s therapist in more ways than one. Good thing he flew him in from Australia, or wherever he's from. All I know is you just presented me with a guy that can talk about his feelings and has a hot accent. When do we meet and do you mind if I call you daddy?

Cocktail Party:

Newsflash: Fangs, de-fangs and may walk or waddle off the set. She’s not really a vampire after all. Really? Because I haven’t had enough of this whole Twilight thing yet.


Rose Ceremony:

Question #2:
Do they make the girls hold the roses (with both hands) in that ridiculous upright position the entire time?

Note to camera man: Not a good idea to zoom in on one of the girls while she’s making a double chin gesture. It’s sure to cause her severe stress when she’s watching this at home without Brad.

Therapist gains patient #3 immediately.

Who stays? Who goes?
Not like we really care but SOMEHOW we're still watching as if we do. Bottoms up!

-First rose goes to Psycho.(That’s Michelle for any male who is watching and is somehow still mesmerized by her looks…..like Brad. Stop thinking with that pecker stiff boy. Oh! Didn’t mean it like that. But yes, down boy, down I say!)

-Next, The slapper also gets a rose.

Oops, we interrupt this national geographic documentary on, Daddyless Girls and Their Mating Clinging Patterns, to bring you Fangs dramatic exit from the show.

“How could I love you when all these other girls NEED your love …..” Well, something like that.

Let’s just say I half believe her, and the other half (ok the other half-ish) is the Great Wall of China surrounding her fangs (pre-removal), tatas and who-ha.

Break down that wall you action hero you. Ok don’t. You’ve got other girls to pretend to commit to.

Smart girl Madison, here’s your get out of jail free card. Enjoy. Cheers. And Shalom.

And we’re back.
-Lisa (shocked as hell, and so were we)
-Jackie (Who’s Jackie?)
Ashley
Marissa
Brit
Alli
Lindsay
Megan (shocker numero 4 of the evening)
Stacey (don’t worry Stacey; it has nothing to do with the fact that I can do a pap smear on you in that dress. Nothing.)

Until next time. I’m gonna go find my dad, he’s probably lost in Costco.

“I’ve changed”. And so has that tranny that they snuck on as one of the bachelorettes. (And for a limited time only 10% off your next embalming if you know which one I’m talking about)

So three years later and here we are Brady baby. Either he swallowed a large can of botox or he hasn’t actually changed one bit because he’s still as stiff and lifeless as I last remembered. Ooohhh peeeerrfect for our new neighborhood mortician. Where are the men with personalities? Even multiple would be better than none at this point.

First, the Bachelor gave us that lame “millionare” named Alex who was worse than AT&T's service. Then years later we are presented with a doctor who was so boring his dates probably personally flatlined themselves (once again new clients for Morticia). Then a so called “prince” of some kakamane made up kingdom, whose nose was definitely larger than his personality…among other things I’m sure. Oh and let’s not forget the controlling, verbal abuser they flew in from Texas. Yeehaw! We’re on a roll now.

So, you’re telling us the producers combed the country for the most eligible Bachelor and this is who they came back with? For Christ sakes, just kill me now. Maybe Fangs will do the honors.

Back to our Bradley.

Well where do we begin? A lot has happened during his “time off”. Let me tell you what really changed during his breakdown:

1)He underwent a major Manscapation (new word, just made it up) of his entire chest and back.
2)He didn’t want to be the only one on the show without implants so he had his “ pectorals” done (yes, say it with me folks, pec-tor-als). Please note: he likes to flex them during the close ups.
3)He realized sooner rather than later, I mean later rather than sooner, that he is actually here now for “all the right reasons”. You mean the T & A? Yeah we know tin man, we know.
4)The weight of the world has been lifted from his shoulders. Unfortunately it has been replaced with a 3-D image of Jesus on his back, or maybe it’s just the cross. But in any case, Jesus Brad (pun intended, ok not funny) we get the point. Might I have suggested a small, and delicate tramp stamp on your lower back instead?

And just like his monotone voice, here is what has remained consistent:

1)His speech is still slower than a biggest loser contestant running a marathon.
2)He is still spray tanning like he’s a member of the oompa loompa tribe. Hey, well maybe it is his real skin color. I don’t discriminate. I bash all boring men, even the orange ones.
3)He’s still Brad Womack. Oh, that was low, I’m just kidding. You’re not that bad, at least you’re easy on the eyes. Just don’t make me talk to you. I’d rather scratch my nails on a chalkboard. No really, I would.

Ok, so now that we got that out in the open and before I begin (wait too late, crap, this always happens) I have to genuinely give our main man a high five for diving deep and being man enough to go to therapy when most others would just keep running from the problem(s). Ok no more nice D, we don’t have time for that here.

But hey, just like he said, it’s not his fault his dad was a shmuck. It all goes back to the parents. Yup it’s true, we can always blame our parents for our issues. So this leads me to suggest a new dating service. Screw going out with the actual guy. I think we should skip the fluff and cut to the chase....date the parents. Then we can REALLY see what kind of hot mess we’re getting ourselves into ahead of time. I think I may be onto something. Should I arrange a ladies road trip to the nearest retirement community? Dibs on the hottie in the corner with no teeth – he looked like he was a good time before he turned into a dinosaur.

In conclusion.

Therapy + pectoral implants + life size inflatable tattoo (oh Casey I miss you) on upper back = a changed man. Hooray!

However, in the slight or not so slight case that we don’t actually believe any of the above crap, they do show the customary clip of him twirling around some borrowed kids like he’s Mother effing Teresa. And his mother, god bless her and the sweat dripping down her face, (must be related to Roberto) is there to reinforce this “changed” concept. Oh, OK, OK...now we believe him. Of course we trust her. She’s not biased, it’s only her son.

He’s official.

Kid tested, mother approved. Perfect man for a Kix commercial but not so much for the new contestant on the Bachelor.

Forward, heave ho. (not you Blondie in the back that doesn’t have a chance in hell of getting a rose.)

But before I introduce these skanks. Bitches. Hustlers. Classy ladies? No, no, skanks. Yes that’s better. Before I introduce them, we see Brad pulling up to our favorite hosed down driveway that we know and love so well.

Stepping out of the limo like a scared baby bird (could he be a Raven? No. A bluejay? No. Oh, I know. Like the Dodo bird from Alice in Wonderland) ready to spread his wings, he painfully makes his way to the interrogation station next to our buddy Chris.

He starts in with, “I wasn’t capable of falling in love” Please Bradford, this blog is long enough. You don’t need to state the obvious. No worries though Mr. Robato, I know a lot of men like you. You must all be from the same litter.

Yes, we all make mistakes. But you my dear orange tiger made them on national television. Which, makes you my new pet project. (evil laugh)

Oh guess what, remember those asses you tapped (before your 3 year dry spell) well here they are. Enter stage left: the wicked witch and her little dog too.

Gulp.

Neck scratch, neck scratch

Loosen tie

Double gulp again like you just had the best slurpee in town. Topped off with the brain freeze look. Ohhh, that one’s a killer. I know.

Jenni and Deanna, nice of you to join us. Cleary Deanna was still angry, fake, and did I mention bossy? She looked like she was trying to do a sales pitch during a bout of constipation. It clearly wasn’t working for her. What’s your deal boss lady? Haven’t you moved on? Aren’t you engaged to your ex-fiancés, ex-girlfriends, new fiancés, twin brother? Say what? I’m confused and all I know to be true is that someone needs to go to Costco and purchase a package of those take home STD tests ahora. I bet there’s some serious things jumping, swimming, and/or whatever they do circling in that group. Time to play crazy cult people and move to Utah. Happy trails to youuuuuuuu.

Enough of this nonsense. And now our lucky Bachelorettes who have this ‘amazing opportunity’ to date our commitment phobe of the week. Is reality TV great or what?

Here we go. The “lucky” (I use this term loosely these days) women of the hour are….

1)First up. First name: Chantal. Last name: “I’m just the messenger.” (Oh, I’m so using that line from now on) SLAP! POW! BAM! It’s like a Batman and Robin episode. Ooooh, but Mikey likes it, he really does. Do it again, do it again! Well. Guess we all know now he likes it rough in bed.

2)Moving on. Kimberley joins us sporting some kind of brass knuckle gear on her hand and wearing her favorite sparkly Forever 21 dress. It’s too bad though, because she’s clearly not. Good thing however, she saved money on her dress because she spent the rest of it on her lip injection (emphasis on the singular). Couldn’t help but think about Elvis as it did this curl thing… She’s trying to be sexy but it’s not exactly there yet. Try again in 3 years like Brad.

3)Alli joins us and tells us she’s willing to give him a second chance. Too bad, he’s probably not with her.

4)Ashley from North Carolina uses her southern accent to lure him in and grab his manscaped ass.

5)Next, we had an unidentified pair of shoes walking out of the limo. Good first impression. Nothing says high maintenance like a pair of designer shoes that you can barely walk in.

6)Marissa asks him if he would be ok with a girl that is obsessed with sports. Really? That’s like asking your boyfriend if he minds having a threesome with the girls next door. Come on now.

7)Poor Lindsay from Dallas. She seems to be missing a link on one of her chromosomes. Tranny alert. Tranny alert.

8)Ashley is cute and sweet and I couldn’t help but notice that her flat, pushed in face bares a striking resemblance to my shih-tzu. Ahh. Good girl. Now sit, roll over, and play dead for our friendly funeral director.

9)Raichel the manscaper. Is that even a word? Not fair, they already know each other, who else waxed his chest before his photoshoots?

10)Just when we thought we were done with all unidentified objects, we spot a white, pointy situation. Alright, do we ignore this cry for attention? Or are we an equal opportunity show? Well let’s see. For starters, she says she knows nothing about him. Ding Ding Ding! IGNORE the fangs. Fangs? What fangs? Madison, I know nothing about you and I’m not one to judge (giggle) but I will say you look like a ridiculous walrus.

11)Melissa jumps into his arms. Yeah, that’s all. Next.

12)Renee comes out of the limo wearing my homecoming dress from 1993. Damn girl, I thought that was still in my closet.

13)Cristy from florida, has a big smile. That will surely change after one conversation with Mr. Personality himself.

14)Jackie who looks exactly like the girl from Glee. Oh and she sings too! It is you. Time for a duet? ...On the Wings of Love...Pinky swear you won’t be the last girl standing. Do it for all of America.

15)Sara P. makes him get down on his knee. Yup, it’s confirmed. He didn’t like it and is never going down on anyone again.

16)Lacey. She wore a purple dress. Hmm, that’s all I remember. Hey Lacey that’s a compliment.

17)Lauren looks sweet but there’s something about her eyes...just can’t place it yet...

18)Lisa P.thank you for coming. We know it was a long drive from Vegas and all. Where did you park your trailer?

19)Shawntel tip toes around trying not to slip and fall. She doesn’t want to break her neck and die since she knows what “they” do with the dead. Roger,10-4, please set this doooozy up with Kirk’s dad STAT! Wondering if anyone caught Brad say, you can make anyone look good? Oh Bradfordson, you have no idea. Should have seen what she did with MJ, he was as black as his monkey when she was done fluffing him.

20)Next up we have a mime. I give her an 8.5 for originality and a 4.5 for that horrible “updo”. Why is Kirk’s family back in the picture? His mom was your stylist, wasn’t she?

21)Poor Stacey from Boston doesn’t know anything about him (shaking head...kids these days...)

22)Hi, “I’m Jill, I’m ready to get married” Wow, why didn’t you just have the mime carry out your eggs on a silver platter while you’re at it?

23)Lisa M. from Kansas and her Dorothy slippers. Cute and original. Memorable. Or was it her African American spray tan? Well it’s not her fault, she is from Kansas. How are they really supposed to know what fake LA girls look like? Do they even get US Weekly there?

24)Rebecca the esthetician. Props to her nice skin! However I doubt Brad is concerned about that considering I’m about to skin him for my new leather purse.

25)J, not Jay but “J”. Sooo 2009. Anyway, it’s her birthday. Happy Quinceañera.

26)Kettle korn and her legs. Legs great, face, mmmm, not so much. Let’s hope personality makes up for it.

27)Sarah L. can’t snap and also can’t make small talk.zzzzzzzzz

28)Emily is clearly gorgeous and looks like a pageant queen. Thank you for taking time off from your duties as Rose Bowl Queen. We know it’s tough to smile and wave all day.

29)Britt had a tough act to follow, but she pulled through and fed the man. Smart woman. He’ll definitely keep you around matter what you look like. A man’s gotta eat, especially after he bangs all the other chics.

30)Last but not least, or maybe? Is Michelle, wasn't she one of the housewives of NYC?


And there you have it; our 30 lucky ladies who get to throw themselves on some guy that they don’t even know. Yay for trashy TV and a 2 hour distraction during the day.


Cocktail party: part therapy, part nervous twitch

The highlight of the night: Our very own Glee singer writes a love song and I do her a favor by filling in the end:

I came here today
To come to LA
Take me away…..
Because you’re probably now gay

Alli talks about her big ass, trying too hard to be one of the Kardashians. Keep trying.

Manscaped, batwings? Hmm sounds like something that would be a good match with Fangs. I finally see something promising here. Love is in the air...every time she takes a bite..

First impression rose:

The lucky lady is no other than Miss southern belle herself. Miss Ashley who pulls the “friend card” right out of his ass where she grabbed it. Good work Scarlett.

Final rose ceremony:

In an effort to save more of your precious moments that you've already lost from watching this show I will present to you the losers... in which case may very well be the winners if you ask me...but hey, who’s asking...

Bye bye Lauren. I’m sorry, you did look sweet, but you also looked like you could be in Avatar. Better luck next time. Go plug your tail into someone else’s flying thingy...he’s just not into that kinda thing. Fangs, yes. Computerish creatures, apparently not.

Adios to Brittney and the dead skunk/updo on her head.

And C'est la vie to some other girls that I don’t even remember and have no intention of remembering. Good luck, and see you back on the show in 10 years when you’re still looking for a bag of dried up nuts.

So what have we learned tonight?

Well, he’s a new man, was in therapy for 3 years, is looking for his wife...with possible fangs and/or dentures will do. Oh, of course he likes the fangs, he’s a scorpio…kinky kinky kinky. Come on Scorpios, don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Your secret is safe with me. Wink wink.

And in case you didn’t hear, he’s a new man. And thank god for that because America wasn't too fond of the old one. Does that mean your twin brother is the old you, too? Sucks to be him. Guess there’s always a rotten egg in the group.

Ps- nice touch with Seal and his comeback?...almost made me teary eyed, thank God I didn't see a rainbow - it’s too early in the season to be the crier.

One last note. He’s changed, let the manscaping begin...

Who is the biggest loser in the house? (Can we use the back of the paper if we run out of room Chris?)

“Can we quit bending over and blowing smoke up each others' asses?” Thank you Wes for amazing words. I swear you work for Hallmark.

Sorry about last week my dear dedicated fan(s?). Things are getting back to normal but don’t worry my blogs will be nothing of that sort.

In one corner we have Wes, in the other corner we have Dave. Together they make one great big jackass. Hmm I see a theme, interesting. Why am I talking about asses again?
Who knows, maybe it’s the characters…..not sure….

Oh wait, before we begin we’re gonna show Wes making out with himself in the Jacuzzi. Actually we’re going to show you about 5 different scenes of this because we need to fill up some time.

First competition: let the Special Olympics begin.

Now we’re playing Family Feud? How fitting. This is kind of an example of a typical dysfunctional American family huh? It kind of broke my heart that they didn’t all strike a pose in the beginning like they do on the show. How cool would that have been? Tenley so wanted to be on top of the pyramid.

Survey says….How many people think this show is a bust? Ding ding ding! We have a winner. Kidding, you’re all great. Really. Please don’t change. It helps my material.

So let’s see how quickly we can make everyone cry by reenacting a scene out of mean girls. Here’s a tissue Tenley, I know how you like to be ahead of the game.

On a side note, I’ve noticed that Melissa is really great with her hand gestures. If this gig doesn’t work out I think she’d make a great
a) Traffic Guard
b) Flight Attendant.

You go girl, you can do whatever you set your mind to. Even getting engaged 5 days after you were dumped. Rock on.

Here we go…

Who is going to win this competition?
Kiptyn

Who is your biggest enemy?
Wes meet Dave, Dave meet Wes.

Who is the most shallow?
Come on now, this game is getting too easy.
Elizabeth, can you use shallow in a sentence please?
“I don’t even know what that means.”


Wow…

Who is the dumbest?
Oh, I know, I know…..
Natalie, thank you for playing. Oh wait, Gwen? Where did you come from? I thought it was just that you were shy….I didn’t realize it was because you were “special”

Which person do most people in the house have a crush on?
Melissa? Probably, we all know guys want what they can’t have. Well since she doesn’t count, Dave thinks it’s Dave? How egocentric of you. Does that include the men too? You guys really need to get out, it’s almost as if you’re trapped in a house with a bunch of caged animals. Bingo!

Who will be a bridesmaid and never a bride? (low blow people…does this question come with complementary therapy sessions?)
Oh Natalie I’m sorry…but here’s a movie you can watch while you eat your bon bons. It’s called 27 dresses, have you heard of it?

Who is the biggest jerk in the group?
Jason Mesnick?? Does he still count? (that one’s for you Melissa)

Ok and for the clincher! Who has the worst boob job?
Ummm, it's a tie for sure.
Tori Spelling and Elizabeth.

What’s scary is the fact that there were enough people who fit this category that they could make a question for it…what has our world come to? Once again, reality TV killing our brain cells and injecting us with saline one boob at a time.

Hey Kovacs…how do you really feel about Elizabeth’s boobs? Psst, please tell me the doc so none of us go to him or her. Thx!

So after this fun little game of ‘you suck’ the women all go back into the house and cry. (Of course it’s the women the guys already forgot that they even played the game.) Well, really just 2 of the head beatches, Elizabeth and Natalie. (oh and Natalie, please fix your roots asap!) Can we say, what goes around, comes around? Look who is part of the “out” crowd now?

And while the tears are flowing (please be careful Elizabeth, wouldn’t want you to cry out all your silicone as well….actually that might not be a bad idea then you can get new and improved ones!) Anyway, while Elizabeth is hiding in the broom closet (awkward) and solving California's drought problem, Wes gives us another moment of clarity with his insightful sensitivity, “I have 25 sisters, (Wes, ex-girlfriends don’t count as sisters) I know how sentimental women can be. Riiiiiiight, that’s why you went on The Bachelorette with a girlfriend huh? Sure buddy. Now is not the time to find your inner Oprah, zip it..and your pants too.


Brief interlude:

We have an important lesson to learn among all this rubbish. Today’s lesson is, how a boy figures out when he really likes a girl. First clue, when your “girlfriend” is crying over her botched boob job and you feel some pain, regardless if it’s because you know how scary looking they are as well, then this my friends is real, lasting love. A bond that can never be broken….until of course a new pair of boobs walk into the room and he’s ready to test them out. Well at least you have a built in flotation device in case you end up in the middle of the ocean and can’t swim.

The Bobbsey twins “take a leap of faith”……on a zip line…..oh and with their cute little relationship too.

Tenley and Kiptyn, can we say a match made in Candyland heaven? Of course they arrive by helicopter to this magical, tropical oasis of an island called….Catalina. Really? Didn’t Ali and Roberto just go to Bora Bora? Looks like this so called recession thing that has hit the rest of the world has finally caught up with the reality world.

So Tenley and Kipper finally kiss and she gives him the rose…….ex-husband who? And now its time for the envelope to come out and for them to pretend like they have NO IDEA WHAT IN THE WORLD IT COULD SAY. (Great acting job, Days of Our Lives is looking to hire). Come on guys, I know you BOTH should remember the fantasy suite, wink wink.

I just thought of something, is it strange that Jillian was with Kiptyn and Jake…then Jake was with Tenley and probably with Kiptyn as well? Can we say family reunion in Arkansas next year?

Anyway, getting back to the show. Tenley tells us that she is SO excited to spend the whole night with Kiptyn in the fantasy suite. I bet you are, Little Miss Muffet. Are you gonna sit on his tuffet? (What the heck is a tuffet anyway? Oh great, now I sound like Elizabeth).

The “morning after”, oh that’s always awkard…I mean….so they say. Kiptyn has his “game face” on. Oh nice one Kipper, is that what they call it when a guy ignores you after you sleep with him. Good. To. Know.


Date #2: Peyton and Jesse.
(He basically gives her the rose before they even go on the date. Good strategy brain. At least get the girl to put out before you give up the goods. I so did not say that).

Aw cute, two country bumpkins, just like two pigs in a blanket. So after they are done pretending to be Amelia Earhart he does what any classy man would do:

1)Puts his finger up her nose. Hot.
2)Burps (while drinking a martini, how is that even possible?)

And just like that she’s over it…and the date pretty much follows.


Back at the house they are busy playing 7 minutes in heaven and Wes is pissed off because he says, “some people just want to party here, this is like my job, I take this very seriously”. Hmm, couple things:

1) Wes, I want to know what job is like being on the Bachelor Pad? And if you find it please tell me because I would like to apply.

2)What exactly would you like these D-list people to be doing all day besides partying? Chess? Mahjong? A little intellectual debate on Plessy vs. Ferguson? What the heck would I write about? I’m already pulling teeth here, work with me big boy. Sing a song or something.

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony (finally, I already took two naps, cleaned my house, walked my dog and had time to clean my air ducts. Did I miss anything?)

Drama, drama, drama……wait, Ashley and Nikki are still here? I had no idea they were still in the game. I thought this was a show on the romance between Kovacs, Elizabeth, and her amazing implants.

Besides the fact that Gwen’s necklace could have fit around the neck of the Incredible Hulk, did anyone else notice her during the interviews? It looked like she was trying so hard to articulate her words and speak intelligently that she almost. Sounded. Like. She. was. Channeling. Chris. And. His. Fragments.

Who will stay? Who will go? Gwen or Krispy Kreme? Wes or Dave? Ohhhhhhhh, the suspense is killing me. I mean, literally killing me.

And the biggest losers are Kentucky Fried Chicken and the man that understands women in the same way Mr. Rogers does – Wes.

You’re lucky Gwen, looks like you won’t be rolling out in the short yellow bus as soon as we thought.

Final words? Oh this is fun, kinda like when you get voted off American Idol and you have to belt out a last tune while your voice is cracking like Peter Brady.

Well Wes, I guess we learned a thing or two; it’s not just love that don’t come easy, looks like it's back to playing guitar in Walmart for you. God Bless and don’t come back now ya’hear.

Due to a family emergency I'm not sure if I will be able to write this weeks blog. Family first, blogs second ;)

The “insiders” vs. the “outsiders”. Or do you prefer the dumb vs. the dumber?

Ohhh tricky Mr. Harrison. Starting off this evenings show with the ending of the last episode. Ooooh, I like it. I like it a lot. Switching things up. Like reverse psychology? Oh, I don’t want a rose….you take it….no, you take it….no you….OK! Siiiiiiiike. Who can you trust on this show, I’m so confused. Calgon take me away.

Where was I? Right, we were comparing the Bachelor Pad after dark to the Peach Pit after dark. Which one is Nat? I thought it was Kypton until I found out he was part of the “Insiders”. How rude. (Please go away Michelle Tanner) Since this seems to be the trend these days, do you guys turn into Vampires at night too? Just asking, all the cool kids are doing it….and I know how badly you all want to be kool. This show is making Mean Girls look like Mary Poppins. I think Snooki needs to make a guest appearance and show these people how to really fight.

Kovacs deep thoughts: “Being a couple is a better strategy than being alone.”

Oh sugar plum, I have a feeling that might bite you in the butt. As might your girlfriend. I mean “friend”, I mean….oh wait, you’re a couple now, right? I meant your wife. Yes, your wifey. (Puke) And that wasn’t even from the pies yet, wow we’re on a roll already.

Enter Melissa Rycroft Strickland. What do we think is going on in her mind? Oh, I know. Let me tell you. Thank God I found myself a hubby and I’m not part of the “insiders” or “outsiders”. You people need to get a life. I might have been dumped on national television but look who’s laughing her way to the bank now. Thanks Mr. Mesnick, I’ll give you your cut next time I see you and Mollballs.

Pie Eating Contest. Say what?

Yes, you heard it. We are forcing all you anorexics to eat. No. To stuff your faces and eat until you learn what it feels like to be full.

Bare with us, this will be a new experience for most.

The Rules:
No hands…or boobs allowed. Even if they are not “technically” yours. Foreign objects cannot be used as assistance.

What would be even better is if they had to jump into their bikinis after. I want to see real women with full bellies after a meal. Not these mannequins whose stomachs actually cave in. Maybe it’s just me, but I would have looked like the Octomom after eating like that.

“I don’t like it anymore.” Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Sorry, Tenley just had a temper tantrum. Super Nanny told me to give her a 5 minute time out.

Back to the girls pies.

Nom nom nom. Bucket please? Thank you ABC for bringing bulimia back one reality star at a time.

We have Gia and Tenely in the lead…Gia is coming from around the back…surprising us all. Where does she put it? Must have emptied out the silicone and storing it in her boobs. Good game plan. But look out, Tenley is following right behind. They are neck to neck. And Gia wins by a boob!

Now it’s the men’s turn. To show how macho they really are? When does eating a pie (stop thinking that!) equate to manliness? Is this a joke? Yes. Ok here’s the punch line. When the Weatherman wins. Wait I don’t get it. Either do I…

Oh, I have an idea, in the meantime let’s not wash our faces and interview a bunch of the contestants with pie all over it. It adds to the intensity of the competition. Who thought of this one again? This was the best you could do? Next week, tune in for potato (or is it potatoe? That’s what Bush told me and he’s wicked smart) sack races and then it’s team bonding time where one of you free falls backwards and we all “catch” you. Come on… you can trust us…I told you I’m not going to vote you off…you totally have my word. Now fall. Oops, sorry I thought you would have bounced back like a cat. Meow.

Weatherman is pumped up and ready to go, he’s determined to win. It’s his one chance to regain all his self esteem that went out the window before, during, and after Ali’s season.

Little do the men realize that it’s always the skinny ones that win. Just think of the hot dog eating contests, all the huge guys are crying like babies and it’s the little Asian dude that they crap out who goes in for the win.

But Weatherman Kobayashi, before you get all excited, where are you going to put all the pie? Oh, just put it in your package. We know there’s room in there. Hey, you’re the one that told us. I’m just a messenger from God.

And they’re off. Kovacs is fired up, he wants a rose. As does Craig (M) so he sticks his head in it?? Well, I guess if this gig doesn’t work out for you, you can always start a line of hair gel in the future. Although we know your secret ingredient and it’s definitely not Something About Mary.

Wow, there’s weatherman eating it like his life depends on it. (it does). Wes is pulling from behind; and being rooted on by Gia?? (I don’t like where this is going…tbc…) But thankfully, Weatherman channeled his little inner Asian man for the win. And he’s so excited he has to eat more pie and takes a bite out of someone else’s. That was just strange. But then again, look what we’re watching.

What we learned - Weatherman is good at eating pie.

For once, I have no comment.



Just once, don’t get used to it.



Dream date: 3 ladies and a Weatherman.

Gwen, Peyton, and Ashley.

Weatherman, why did you bring your mom on the date? It’s time to cut the cord.

It was actually really funny to watch Weatherman act as if he was the Bachelor. He was loving life. Good for him. He deserves a night where everyone is not making fun of him. See I root for the underdog too. I’m JUST like Gia. We’re twins, can’t tell us apart. Yup. People keep stopping me in the streets thinking I’m Gia. It’s a rough life, but someone’s gotta do it. I’m always here to help.

Date strategy: Break up the “powerhouse” and bring them down. Oh please, this is The Bachelor Pad, not the Third Reich.

One on one with Gwen.

Weatherman: Gwen I have something for you.
Gwen: Oh really? What can it be?!?!?!
Weatherman: Let me put it behind my back and pretend like you have NO idea what I’m going to give you.
Gwen: And let me cross my fingers behind my back in the hopes that I don’t have to kiss you after.

Phew, all systems ago. We are clear. Breathing can resume as normal.

Weatherman must have felt great watching the show last night. Hearing his mom say that it would NEVER happen between them. And we wonder why the poor guy has no game. He gets shot down all the time. Good thing you two aren’t gonna run into each other in Positano, Italy….oops. Ciao bella.

And now for date number 2, because the first date was just. So. Anticlimactic.

Zzzzzzzzzzzz

Gia (who has a boyfriend) and her 3 men (who are not her boyfriends but would give their entire to soul to be one just for one night).

Craig M. (How did the most hated man on earth begin to rule the island?)
Wes
Jesse B

Loved how she tricked all of them by putting Jesse’s name in the bowl. Too funny, you’re really using your brains now. Welcome, glad you could join us. PS- hope you had a shredder close by. Costco has some great ones on sale.

Gia’s game plan: Making the game fair. (She must be a Libra).

This date is dedicated to the men (man) before us who have sacrificed their (his) hands for real love. To the men (man) who guard and protect – we dedicate this to you Kasey. We too are going to draw hearts on our arms. You are not alone Kasey, you are not alone. Oh wait, ours will wash off in about a week. Guess you’re the only jackass stuck with perma-hearts on his wrist. I bet though, that if you stare at it long enough it will start to change shapes, like those cool posters in the 90’s. (Did I just say in the 90’s? I think that was a first).


Break time

Elizabeth and Kovacs planning their mission to mars. Yes, good to plan when you are slurring your words. Perfect.

Elizabeth: I’m a dumb smart girl.

Wow, I couldn’t have said it better myself. Actually, not true, I would have left out the word smart.

Kovacs: I can’t just let her run loose.

Big boy, is she your donkey or something? When did you become a zookeeper? I thought you were a winemaker?


Back to the date.

Not much happening except Wes trying to pretend like he’s a good guy. Oh Wes, we’ve seen this act before when you were on the Bachelorette WITH a girlfriend. And why should we believe you now? Where’s your guitar? Why aren’t you singing to us? You always bust it out when you’re trying to brainwash. At least be consistent, give us a 1% chance to fall for it.

Everything was fine on the date until Gia got drunk and started falling for Wes’ bullshiznat. Great Gia, you just messed up the strategy. Note to self; never put her on my battleship team.

So with Gia blinded by love and alcohol, she gives the rose to Wes (barf…clearly there were still traces of pie in my throat).


So what’s been going on back at the house?
Just the usual, Elizabeth and Kovacs making out in the hot tub. Normal for a show of this caliber. Then they decide to take it up a notch by moving into the shower. Normal once again…if you’re making a porn. But aren’t your parents watching? Gross.

What else is new at the Playboy Mansion?

Just Dave and Jessie S. in the hot tub.

David: I have a lot of pull…you just have to sleep with me.
Jessie: OK! I’m in it to win it! Have you seen my new twins?


Rose Ceremony
Wow Chris, were you getting dressed while you were watching Dating in the Dark? Kinda took it too literally my friend. Purple tie and plaid shirt…interesting. I like though how you are trying to show your personality. Good boy. I knew it was in there somewhere.

Again, poor little Miss Sunshine. Elizabeth tries to throw Tenley under the bus. Way to go for the timid girl Lizzie. You knew she wouldn’t fight back with you so you went in for the kill just like Michelle did with her. Can everyone just Leave Tenley alone? She just wants to run in a field of daisies with Kypton. Let them play little house on the prairie will ya? Maybe Tenley needs a body guard. This would be a perfect opportunity to bring our beloved Kasey back to guard and protect. Kasey if you’re reading this, you should for sure get a trademark on that phrase just like Paris did hers. Yes, you guys definitely made that stuff up. I don’t know where Urban Dictionary would be without people like you.


So question….if Tenley and Kypton were updating their statuses on Facebook, would they change it say “In a relationship…and it’s complicated?”

I just want to know where we all stand.

Natalie, can you please return your tutu to Bjork. She’s looking for it.

So who’s getting voted off? All this scheming, lying, and strategizing its making me exhausted. I can’t keep up. They are taking this way too seriously and now I’m hiding under my blanket after Lizzie told me if you “deceive the trust of your own….you’re next” (btw: the fireplace behind here really added to the drama of the moment too). Ok, I’m now officially scared of her. She swallowed the devil and speaking in tongue. Kasey, where are you when I need you? Get out of the trademark line and guard and protect.

Great, now the only voice of reason is about to go. Kypton, try not to stress too much honey; we don’t want you to lose anymore hair. Yup, just like I told you guys. Nikki is following her heart and she’s messing up the entire game. How dare you put a decent girl with morals on the show? What were you thinking?

And now it’s time to bid farewell to the real outsiders. As in don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Sorry but no roses for our very own modern day Bonnie and Clyde. Craig (M) and Jessie S, weren’t you guys partners in crime? What happened? I swear just the other day you guys were dancing around at your own concert, watching everyone grovel and bow to you like you were the Jonas Brothers (sans purity rings and instead condoms as gloves).

Well, that will teach you. You can’t outsmart the dumb smart girl. She was onto you the whole time. Bye bye Jessie S. I know how hard you tried to find your inner Leo and show us how assertive you could be since you never talked on Jake’s season…but it didn’t work for you. Sorry. Oh no, how are you gonna pay for your boobs now? I have an idea…welcome to McDonalds may I take your order?

“I don’t know where Dave and I stand now” LOL, that’s all I have to say about that. It must be the alcohol talking. When you watch this yourself I hope you can see that you two didn’t actually have a relationship. Unless of course you want it to be based on lies and scheming and in that case, since Heidi and Spencer broke up we are looking for new assholes to fill their shoes. Please contact HR and submit an application if interested.

Hmmm, for “some” reason they are all surprised with the results. What? The Shock and Awe campaign went wrong? How could someone have possibly lied to them? Couldn’t be the insiders. They sealed their deal with a séance. Had to have been the Outsiders. Can we get a revote? It must have been Florida’s fault.

Well kids, we’ve been through a lot this week. From eating disorders, to strategizing like they're the Ottoman Empire, to my attempt at trying to make this show funnier than it actually is - I’m simply famished. I need a pie.

Love don't come easy. Unless you're on The Bachelor Pad and in that case - it's easy like Sunday Morning.

Sorry for the late blog posting, I had to finish reading War and Peace. After the show I automatically lost over half my brain cells so it was my quick attempt to regain them - hoping for a speedy recovery.

On Monday night I was invited to a Bachelor Pad premiere party hosted by no other than the lovely ‘couple’, Jesse and Elizabeth. (Thank you Lisa and Summer).

Couple thoughts on this:

1)Jesse is actually hotter in person. Not that he was at all bad on the show but he was delish in live HD.

2)His wine is surprisingly amazing. And trust me, I consider myself a self-made wine connoisseur. (is that what they call an alchy these days?) In any case, it was good.

3)Very strange to watch the show with them in the same room. I’ll talk more on this later.

4)Natalie made an appearance at the party as well. And the good news is she’s exactly how she is on TV. The bad news is she’s exactly how she is on TV. Joking…she was sweet and also even prettier in person. Is it something in the water? I’ll have whatever their drinking please.

5)Apparently TV REALLY does make you look 10-20 pounds heavier. This is especially scary when you already look skinny on TV. This leads me to Elizabeth who was very sweet, friendly and beautiful but, for the love of God I just wanted to feed her. Hey, at least I got an anatomy lesson out of it. I now know how your hip bone is connected to your thigh bone and so on…. (Kovacs, please feed your lady friend and maybe ease up on the wine. It may help the crying?? Sincerely, a concerned blogger).

Overall night was great. Fun experience and good vino. I told Jesse that I would put a link to his website on my blog so here it is:
Kovacs Brothers Wine
(ok, let’s be real, do we even think he remembers talking to me? Umm, no. But I told him I would do it and I’m the kind of girl that stands by her man. Wink wink. Call me. Let’s do lunch). Just kidding Elizabeth, please don’t put a spell on me. I just try to be funny every once in a while…maybe I went a little overboard this time…step away from the voodoo doll. Please? With a cherry on top. (Only 5 calories, you can do it).

btw: His brother just shaved his head and donated all his hair to locks of love. So cool!


Alright let’s get down to business. Let the games begin…

Chris Harrison (God and narrator) welcomes us in his California casual look. Sporting jeans and a blazer, he suavely strolls outside the mansion (he must be taking lessons from Roberto) and tells us…..wait for it.

There are two kinds of people.

Oh???

Those who find love on the Bachelor/Bachelorette

And ….everyone else.

So Chris, you’re saying I’m just like everyone else? Great. And here I hoped I looked like Gia.

Moving on.

Please welcome our most “memorable” contestants. (Feel free to exchange this word with the phrase, most desperately seeking attention, as freely as possible).

Oh, oh, oh. Chris, guess what? I have a good one too. There are two kinds of blogs…One that just gives you a recap and another that tells the truth whole and nothing but the truth. (psst, that would be mine). Hold on tight, this is going to be fun.

Send in the animals….

1)Cartwheels and toe touches right out of the limo. Who else could it be but the beautiful, bubbly, and vivacious Rainbow Bright. Tenley, tell us again, did your husband cheat on you because I don’t remember you saying that? JK Tenler, you’re great! Keep on being yourself and don’t let these monkeys change you.

2)Next up Jesse B, the construction guy, who floored us (no pun intended) with his articulate vocabulary.

3)Perfect timing for Natalie (sans Teddy Bear) to enter.

4)Then there’s David who hopefully used his time off to attend anger management classes. If not, someone for sure is gonna get knocked up. I mean knocked out.

5)Welcome Gwen and her question marks?? Wait. Hold up sista sista!? You’re still single? It’s been at least 100 years hasn’t it? I could have sworn season 2 was filmed in 1983. Oh well, in any case welcome Martha Stewart I’m sure we’ll need a house mom to patrol these inmates.

6)Jessie S. and her new fake boobies join us next. So glad you all can make it.

7)Followed by no other than our favorite Weatherman. (Note: love how they didn’t even bother to call him Jonathan. Simply Weatherman, kinda like Cher or Madonna). The good news is everyone will be appropriately dressed each day for the weather. String bikini or string bikini? What would we do without you?

8)Enter Nikki. She must be related to the Kardashians. Can I get a whoop whoop for great hair. Hey girlfriend, are you using Herbal Essence and are those commercials really true? Hmm, let’s see…one of the first things out of her mouth, “I do not want to see Juan.”

9)Speak of the devil. Juan, welcome to the Bachelor Pad, have you seen Nikki? She wants to say hi. BTW, you’re 37, time to get another gig. Are we gonna have to serve you dinner at 4:00pm just like the other snow birds?

10)And just when we didn’t think it could get any better, Wes pulls up with his deep thoughts for the day, “love don’t come easy.” No shit Wes. Looks like we might be on the same page after all. How did that happen?

11)Krispy Kreme or as she also likes to be called Krisily , joins us next.

12)Elizabeth and her natural highlights make the next appearance.

13)Followed by her lover and wine maker Jesse Kovacs. (This was so not planned, I don’t believe it one bit…you silly producers you).

14)Finally a voice of reason. Kiptyn waddles out of the limo.

15)And because he lacked a certain level of energy they quickly followed with Ashley (also fab hair) who does a triple back flip landing in a roundoff backwards summer salt right out of the limo. (Can we please put Tenley and her together in a room with a couple red bulls and see what happens? Come on, it will be fun…like watching 2 Teletubbies on So You Think You Can Dance).

16)Next up Peyton. And in the words of the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland…Whooooo arrrrrrreeee youuuuuu??

Code red! We just had a convict escape from prison. Please keep all men inside the house.

17)Oh Michelle, I didn’t see you there, so glad you can join us.

18)Thank god for plastic surgery, I mean Gia. Yay, we really do like Gia, she’s a sweet girl with a good heart and a ridic body. Well, I mean I would hope so considering she handpicked each piece herself. It’s like ordering out of a catalog. I would like Angelina Jolie’s lips, Jennifer Aniston’s legs, and so on. Hmmm, all I can think about is Weird Science…

19)And last but definitely least. We have Craig M. (is there another Craig? Why are we calling him Craig M?) and his ridiculous hair. Dude you gotta get that under control, looks like the Weatherman just put you through you a wind storm. Ok that was lame. Let’s move on.

If love is the game, these are the rules…

1)Each of you has a chance to find love and a shot at $250,000. Or is it…each of you has a chance at $250,000 and a shot in hell to find love on this reality show?

Just wondering.

2)There are more women than men but that will change at some point soon. (What Chris meant to say was, for safety reasons we weren’t allowed to endanger any more men than we already have by putting them under the same roof with all these women. This will soon turn into a game of Hungry Hippo where only the strong will prevail, and the weak will be eaten alive by their PMSing roommates). Cheers.

3)You will all be sleeping in bunk beds and in the same room. This is an equal opportunity environment and we want everyone to have a fair and proper shot at getting laid.

First competition.

Hope you shaved, waxed, and lasered every nook and cranny kids because it’s time for bikini Twister. Really!? When did this turn into a bad porn movie?

Tenley dear, I think you’re adorable and all but it’s kinda unfair to the others that you WERE Cirque DU Soleil in your past life.

Alright, fine I want you to win. I won’t tell.

Ok I have to say, maybe it’s just me but I would have rather had all my teeth pulled out then played that game in my bikini. Let me explain. Laying out by the pool in your bikini is one thing, playing beach volleyball with your friends in your bikini is also one thing BUT to Bend it like Beckham and contort your body into shapes that I can’t even do with my origami set WITH a camera all up in your who-ha is a whooolllllle other thing.

Am I the only sane person around here? I know what you're thinking. Party pooper over here. No way, I would have grabbed my wetsuit and put my game face on. Game on! (Hot I know). And while we’re on the subject (well sorta) do all these people really have perfect bodies or was the airbrush tool working overtime in post production? Seriously. These people are my heros if that’s the case. I better call Gia and figure out how to put a rush order on the parts I’ve selected. Maybe Kirk’s dad can be of assistance.

Back to Twister.

Left breast red.
Right ball blue. Oops, we don’t want to go down that road so early in the game kids, nope…no. we. don’t.

Wishes do come true – Craig is the winner. Kind of shocked his hair and ego had enough room to play. Oh well, winner gets to go on a date with 3 lovely ladies. Who will he pick?

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Date card and table.
[Jessie runs to the door, in her bikini of course. Did she bring clothes? Maybe they lost her luggage?]
Date card and table who?
Oh, who cares? I’ll just take the whole table in rather than just the envelope.
(Do we laugh or pretend like she’s a genius?)


Which three lucky ladies are going to join Craig on his fairy tale fantasy date? Being the well rounded man that he is, he decides to pick someone from every generation. We have sweet, young, and innocent Tinker Bell played by Jessie, one of the manipulating and emotional step sisters from Cinderella played by Elizabeth and the fairy grand godmother played by Gwen. It’s the circle of life children. Embrace it. Roberto and Ali did.

Be ready at noon in your best beach attire.

Transalation: bikini….and heels…in a limo…drinking champagne. We're filming a rap video now? Oy. Please tell me Craig doesn’t have a grill or I’ll have to stop watching the show immediately and then what will I do with my Monday nights? I might actually have to go on a date or something. No grill…no grill…no grill….. (chanted like Donna Martin graduates).

The only thing I really noticed on the date was that every time Craig went to hug Tinker Bell, she turned her head so far to the left, that I think she might actually be an owl.
Whooo-whoooo.
(My attempt at an owl sound. Weak sauce, I know).


Meanwhile, back at the “Bachelor Pad” Juanita reminds us why he’s about to be kicked off the show. “If I had to walk out of here with $250,000 or the love of my life – I’d take the money and run.”

But Juan, I really thought we had something here, I really thought you meant it when you said you loved me. What about all those Eskimo kisses then? Oh Nikki, how many more guys do you have to sleep with to learn the truth? Poor, innocent, naive Nikki….this game is really gonna shake her up. I give her 3 more episodes tops before she follows her heart and falls in love with another guy. There’s just no room for that kind of nonsense around here. This is a competition kid, pull it together. Big bucks, no whammies!

Back to the drama.

Oh look, Kovacs and Elizabeth, my new besties, are having “the talk”. Wow, not at all awkward to watch this with both of them in the room. In no way did it feel like I was intruding on their couple’s therapy session. No, I DID NOT see the pink elephant in the room. What are you talking about? Absolutely no pink elephants here. None. Ok, maybe a small one in the corner, but it was more rose colored than pink…

Ok let’s be honest, nice attempt on Jesse’s part to plan a “strategy” that involved him winning the money and still being able to hook up with other girls in the meantime. A for effort big boy. BUT I think you forgot who you were dealing with. Your lady friend apparently worked on war strategies with Stalin* so I’m sorry, but please hand over your balls right now. This Queen bee has you under her control. Hey, maybe you like it? It’s all good. Once again I’m not here to judge. Just stating the facts.
*Please don’t try this at home kids. This is for trained for professionals only.


7th inning stretch:
New drinking game of the season. Every time Elizabeth talks about Kovacs or how she’s in love with him, heck, every time she cries - we drink! Yay! This is gonna be a drunken season sailors. Heave ho!


Why the game ‘Telephone’ should never be played in a house full of drunken drama kings and queens:

Subjects: Michelle & Craig Craig M.
Possible theory: “relations”

Tenley: I think I heard 2 people making out last night. It might have been Michelle and Craig.
Natalie: OMG, did you hear? Tenley saw Michelle and Craig going for second base.
Weatherman: No way, they were doing what? Wait for me, wait for me.
Nikki: Michelle and Craig are in love and eloping?
Juan: Well good, 2 less people on the show. Now I have a better chance of winning the money. (evil laugh)
Ashley: Shut up! Michelle and Craig were having sex, in the bathroom, with the revolver?
Female Jessie: Wow, and then Professor Plumb walked in?
Kiptyn: Who are you people? And am I the only normal one on the show?

So far, sounds like….one syllable. Rhymes with mess.

Rose Ceremony

We decided to switch things up and take the rose ceremony outside this time, that way we literally just push them into their limos and put it in neutral. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

And drum roll please...roses go to everyone except...Juanito and Michelle.

Does this mean they have to date each other now? Juan just an FYI, Michelle is definitely ready to pounce so you better work it!

Well the good news is Juan knows he’s an A-hole, and that’s why he’s going home. The bad news is Michelle thinks she’s going home because Tenley started a rumor about her. Newsflash cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, it’s because you tried to lock Strawberry Shortcake in the bathroom and burst her sparkles. No one messes with Disneyland. She’s the happiest place on earth.

Disclaimer:

The above facts were based on a competition where the contestants will stop at nothing to win the big bucks. It’s not personal they say...it’s just a game.

So in the words of the wise (yes, I’m referring to the people on the show) and for those of you who I might have met. It’s nothing personal...it’s just a blog.

XOXO, Bachelor Biatch

Final Rose, final thoughts. (And more on Ali's adoptive family).

Welcome to Bora Bora. AKA Whorra Whorra.

Well it’s official. Survey says: Ali is adopted. Or she hired actors to play her family on TV. I mean, who the heck were those people? The only saving grace was her roots. They matched the rest of her family. But other than that, there was more resemblance between Brangelina’s and their kids than Ali to her family. Yes, even the one from Africa…or Vietnam…do we have South Korea in the house?

As if we haven’t seen every episode this season we start out with a recap of their adventures.

She has a different relationship with Chris and Roberto, she tells us. Yes she does. Chris makes her puke while Roberto makes her faint. Sounds like someone is due for a MMR vaccination.

First we have Roberto; tall, dark, and handsome. This deuce bigalow male gigolo is not only known for his dashing personality but also his ability to sweat like he’s in Bikram Yoga. Yummy! Especially when Ali goes in to kiss him. Which she seems to do every 2.2 seconds. Hey, nothing wrong with that. They obviously both make each other wet. Too much?? I’ll stop…

With Roberto she feels protected and safe (sorry Kasey, you snooze you lose). Oh and waking up next to him after her overnight date apparently makes her feel like a woman. Ali, do you really mean like a woman or did you mean to say hooker or call girl? Because whenever I wake up next to someone I barely know I always feel like a hooker. But a high class one nonetheless. I would describe it as a client of Heidi Fleiss.

Next subject. With Chris it’s been slow and steady but moving at an uphill pace (I think I can, I think I can). They are “friends” who are just starting to fall in love. Says who Ali? Have you looked around because he’s already there. Catch up or salsa on over to your other lover. Chris makes her laugh, he’s like a teddy bear (hopefully not one made by Kirk’s Dad) that she just wants to wrap her arms around. Kinda sounds more like a date with tickle me Elmo.

Before the first date, we see Ali leaning up against a palm tree as if she is the new Sports Illustrated Cover girl. The symbolism is so profound here. What does it tells us?
1) She either has a magical metabolism and never gains a pound (bitch) or
2) She had her abs sprayed on to look like she was wearing a Conan the Barbarian outfit.

$100 on the latter.


Roberto Meets the Fam.

It’s beautiful. Like a peaceful meeting with the United Nations.

Ali takes Roberto to meet her adopted family, which is a relief because Ali’s “mom” has the hots for him. Good thing they’re not related because they're going to be sharing a lot real soon...and I don't mean just her new shirt. Better drink up Roberto, you’re gonna be sweating more than you’ve ever been before. You’re workin for two ladies now.

Roberto to the Actor Dad:
Blah blah blah…As a husband one day…..umm….to her. Yes of course to her. Who else would it be to? I mean, I’ve known your daughter for 4 weeks now and spent a total of 3 hours alone with her (1 of which I was in bed with her making her feel like a “woman”) Oh my bad make that 2 of which….he is a Latin Lover you know….we all know how they work. Wink wink. What? I read it in a book. I swear.

Where were we? Yes, so of course as a husband to HER….How can I keep her happy?

Awww ok. That was cute. He’s off the probation list for now. He’s a smart man, he knows what all men need to learn and understand. Listen up men. To my 2.5 male followers reading this blog repeat after me.

A happy wife = a happy life. Now all together now, A happy wife = a happy life.

Done and done.

Roberto with the new Bachelorette (this being her “mom” of course):

Spoken in a horrible Spanish accent almost as believable as when Brittney Spears was British. Yo creo tu corozon es puro. What? Is he sure? Raise your hand if you’re sure? No, no, let me translate. You heart is pure. And her mind is playing tricks on her like her daughters.

And just like that Suave slips his hand onto hers. Sweat drips down his face. And she shoves her tongue in his mouth. What can I say? Like mother like daughter. Ok fine, she’s not adopted. Proof is in the DNA.

Wow, Stella apparently got her groove back because all of a sudden “mom” wants to learn how to dance. Dancing with the stars? No, dancing with Roberto your new flame. Can’t wait to we see an after after the final rose: First time ever, Bachelorette mom steals son-in-law. But it’s ok. Roberto’s used to having more than one girlfriend. It’s the machismo thing isn’t it?

Chris meets the ‘rents and they meet his…..basket?

Well, we know these guys didn’t run to the nearest Target to pick up a gift but I want to know who the heck was the producer that told him to carry a basket so he looks like little red riding hood? Next time why don’t you just come with a baby carriage and call it a day.

Tip #1 on impressing the parents:
When in doubt. Always, and I mean ALWAYS say to a Massachusetts family that you’re a Red Sox fan. Ding! Ding! Sign, sealed, delivered, yeah yeah!

Tip #2 on how to insert foot or entire leg in mouth. take 1:
Mom to Chris. Your mom must have wanted a girl I’m sure. Ohhhhh just stab him in the heart right now will you. Poor guy. It’s only gonna go downhill from here but not before we play this fun game.

I was a math teacher……so am I.
My mom was a nurse…..so is mine.
I was born in Montreal…..so was I.
I speak in fragments. So. Do. I.
I was adopted….So was Ali.
I can’t believe I’m on this show to meet my love….Same with my wife, but that’s how she met Roberto.
It must be love.

A family that jumps in the ocean together, stays together. Weeee! How cute. We all get along but this is the last time you’ll ever see them. So soak up every moment and give me the Red Sox tickets now will ya?

Btw: Way to pick your nose Ali when the camera is 2ft away from you. Hot!


Family Meeting:
Kids, it’s time we discussed the important things in life. Your minutes are not rolling over and it’s time we all got the family plan. That and we need to discuss who our adopted daughter is going to nag for the rest of her life.

Roberto:
Pros: romantic, wears feelings on sleeve (and jockstrap), has a baseball card of himself.
Cons: Only knows how to make out and speak Spanish (sometimes at the same time). Wait, how is this a con?

Chris:
Pros: sincere, caring, loyal. (sounds like a puppy to me), Red Sox fan, & will make sure their landscaping always looks impeccable.
Cons: He gets nervous and turns into a bobble head. She will have to wear the dentist bracelet the rest of her life.

Last (or is it?) date with Roberto: Latin lover, king of the jungle, yin to her yang, and bump to her grind.

“I love getting on machines that go really fast” Really? Have you heard of the Rabbit?

Oh you meant a jet ski. My bad.

Hey, there are a school of stingrays over there let’s park our rabbits and jump in. Here Ali, you have to pet it. Wait, isn’t that how the Crocodile Hunter died?

Brilliant.

Good times.

Deep thoughts:
I don’t think you know you’ve found true love until you are on a private island and are able to stand (or as in this case, mount each other) and kiss in the rain. I think that it’s a sure sign of Bachelor/Bachelorette love and of a lasting marriage. Didn’t all the other ones do that? And look where they are now? Happy and in love. Oops wrong show. I got this one confused with Dating in the Dark.


Night time date with King of the Hill and Jungle.

Aww so sweet Roberto, he’s preparing the room for sexy time. Laying out the roses, candles, and condoms. Hope it’s a magnum. Ali’s mom says he needs it.

Holiday gift exchange time!
Roberto gives her a picture frame of them on the heart shaped island. Awww. But wait, he wrote something on the back.

Dearest Alejandro (that’s Ali in Espanol. Not Lady Gaga’s song)
You make me want to be the King to your lion. I mean the lion to your king. Your spray tanned abs are so sexy as they melt off in my hand and I morph into an orange oompa loompa. I want to spend forever with you (forever as in the next 6 months). You make me want to be a better man. Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Amore,
Roberto


Roberto to Alejandro:
Ali, you’re the kind of girl you take chances for (tear, no really that was sweet. My shell is starting to crack). As he’s touching Ali’s nose like a Grandpa does to his grandchild, he says. Wait for it. Wait for it. I’m definitely falling in love with you.

Alejandro to Roberto:
My heart is exploding out of my chest. (Same with Roberto’s pants).

Can the camera crew leave already, we don’t want it to be over before it started.

“I love you,” he says to her. And in customary Bachelorette/Bachelor fashion there is no response other than a tongue down the suitor’s mouth.

Ok Ali, we need to have a chat here. Just me and you. I don’t know what you are thinking right now but I’m just gonna say it. You better hit that now and decide later.






What?





Date (oh we use that term so lightly these days) with Chris:

Ok where do I begin? The minute she opened the door I gave this scene one of the million trophy’s that Roberto’s Dad showed us. Most awkward moment of the show by far. Not sure if it was her not being able to look him in the eye, her not being able to stop fidgeting, or her knowing she became queen of the jungle last night and couldn’t bare to mount this cub after she trained her dragon.

Whatever it was she walked through that door like she was on crack and dropped him quicker than she dropped The Weatherman. Definitely cloudy with a chance of Chris’ (meat)balls.

“I’m in love with someone else.” Wait, back up. Hold the music. What just happened? I wasn’t even prepared to be dumped yet. Can you please let me assume the position, get my pint of ice cream, (and lactaid pills, well I am a Jew, what do you expect?) and give me one last attempt to speak to you in my language of love. Fragments. And. All?

I guess we’re not gonna build it up a little before she rips out his heart. Just gonna go in for the kill. Kinda like her mom did when asking about his mom? Once again, definitely not adopted.

“I’m letting you go Chris. You are free to move about the cabin. Run Forrest run. Go find your fragmented soulmate. Find her and don’t ever look back. Or don’t look back at Ali because she feels like an ass.

What’s the saying? If it walks like a ……..

Oh just kidding. Better she did it now than later. Classy move for not dragging it out and making him get down on one knee like our dear friend Deanna Pappas did to Jason Mesnick. That was horrible! But he sucks too because he dumped his fiancé on TV only to make out 5 minutes later with the original girl he dumped. Who are these people? And where did they come from?

Anyway, back to Ali. She had to follow her heart and that’s all you can ask for in anyone.

But does this mean we can say helloooo to our next Bachelor???

Children, this is not only a blog but also a therapy session on life, love, and how not to meet your husband.

So , what we learned here:

Friendship + no passion = no rose. No decoder ring.* But maybe a blender as a consolation prize.

Friendship + passion = hot make out sessions (in bathrooms?), rose, and $100,000 decoder ring.

Interlude.
Alright, I have to discuss. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be emotional and well let’s face it. I am Danielle. So, after Chris gets dumped, he goes out on the balcony, does the famous hand on railing/on head pose that we’ve seen so many of our bachelors do and then out of the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane. No it’s a rainbow. Two words. Chills and tears. Yes, the tears were rolling down my face so much so that I was waiting for the oxygen mask to drop so I could catch my breath.

Hearing Chris Harrison and Ali talk about this on the After the Final Rose reassured me that there was no editing in this scene. It truly was one of those amazing moments in life that make you believe there is a reason for everything and that someone is watching over you. In all seriousness that was one of the most beautiful things ever.


Final rose ceremony (really, I mean it this time).

How romantic. The morning of her big day Ali starts off with, “I don’t know why he would pick me?” Yay, the self esteem class paid off. But as we have learned, “love works in ways you can’t explain.” Yes, I agree, I can’t explain why Men Marry Bitches and why we have to follow The Rules? (Clearly someone has been hanging out in the self help section these days). No way not me.

Row, row, row your boat… gently down the aisle….And there he is, looking as Latin as ever. As he rolls up on a boat….with a chuppah? What was that thing? Maybe he's a Sephardic Jew?

Anyway, as the boat pulls in Ali says she finally found the guy she wants to spend the rest of her life with. Really? Because,
1) you’re 25
2) you’re on a reality dating show
3) you have 500 pounds of makeup on that is going to sweat off and he’s gonna freak out when he sees what you really look like and
4) you’re 25.

Wait til you’re my age and have dated all of Los Angeles, Boston, Scottsdale, and NYC. Then my little lovely, then let’s talk. Ok, Ok, I know this sounds like I’m bitter, but in fact, I love my life. I couldn’t be happier! If I could just sit patiently and wait for a guy that doesn't bore me and for the right guy who is smart enough to snatch me up and never let me go, I would! But there is this thing in the meantime that you have to do, called dating. Eeeeek. Who has time to work, it’s like a full time job. Oh crap, does that make me a hooker like Ali? Oh no, we are similar. Maybe that means that I too will be whisked away via helicopter to islands shaped like hearts, clovers, and purple horseshoes (magically delicious) and one day I too will get that final rose…in Bora Bora….on TV….by I guy I barely know….A girl can dream can’t she?

Cut to deep thoughts by Roberto as he’s about to walk the plank.
“I took a lot of time, did a lot of thinking and soul searching to get here.” (a lot of time = 4 hours). “But I decided heck, if I’m gonna get a $100,000 ring for free I might as well jump on it.” What can go wrong?

Here he comes….Mr. Latin Lover. He says to her, I was thinking all night last night and all morning (phew, because I was scared you decided at the last minute to love me forever) and you told me to follow my heart (and my thingy) so here I am.

I will spare all the drama and skip to the key points in his Emancipation Proclamation.

There was a , “I love you unconditionally” (awww)

“I will be by your side no matter what” (high five)

Can we get a holler for “I want to make you laugh, smile, and I want you to wake up knowing that you are loved.” (I’m dying over here. Kleenex ahora)

Mad props for, “I want to grow old with you.” (Awww, that one gets me every time. I just picture myself having wheelchair races with my hubby).

And then the tears started flowing (again) and then I looked down at the size of the diamond and the tears turned into a monsoon. Thank you ABC, thank you for loving Ali so much to buy her that ring. I’m sure Roberto is thrilled because isn’t he a Gardner? Oh that’s Chris. Isn’t he a “former” baseball player who now sits in a cubicle?

Well kids, we finally got our happy ending. The helicopters, trip around the world, and being wined and dined like you’re King Tut had nothing to do with the love that they have for each other. Nothing.

Let us raise our glasses and toast to Ali and Roberto (no last name). May your love for each other grow and get stronger with each passing day. And may both of you remain hot because if you get fat and ugly I’m not sure what the two of you will do with each other. Mazel Tov. I mean, Buenos noches.



*FF

Men Tell All....but not everything. That's where I come in.

Welcome back boys - I've missed you, it's been lonely without your craziness.

I struggled to find the words to portray last night’s Men Tell All. Why? Not because there wasn’t enough “stuff” to write about (ok, that’s a lie) NOTHING happened. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

So, in my attempt to entertain myself which I seem to be good at. Scary. I decided to make up my own game. I call this, The Men Tell All – After their final rose but before they dried it up and hung it upside down on their wall next to their prom corsage. (Once again people born in the 80’s probably don’t remember this decoration fad that swept our nation. As I said before, remain calm and smile and nod).

So where are these lovely Lads now? Step away from the remote and here we go….

Kasey we come to find out is a speech pathologist and has been busy guarding and protecting his new tattoo shop with current lover, Kat Von D. He is an active member of Iceland’s Board of Tourism and is rallying for their new motto: Welcome to Iceland. It’s Effing cold. So jump in my volcano and stay a while.

If you’d like, he’d be happy to sing it to you as well.

Jesse has followed in Levi Johnston’s footsteps and is the new 2010 playgirl centerfold. He wears nothing but his hard hat ladies. Yes that’s hard HAT.

Frank is in therapy with Nicole where they spend a great deal of time talking about “their feelings”. Dr Phil has taken him on as a psychology experiment and says he may soon be in the Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s most emotional species. National Geographic is enamored with this as well and will be doing a 2 page spread on this fascinating creature. ‘Discovery into the mind of the emotional male’. Second behind the Bald Eagle, this rare and almost certainly extinct species is a fascinating discovery. It’s a miracle we found one left on the planet. Thank you Chris Harrison for all that you do and all who you are.

The Weatherman. Poor guy can’t get a break. Not only can America not stand him, but his boys were throwing him under the bus as well. There seems to be a recurring central motif here which is: Sucks to be him. Can’t live with him….can’t live without with him. He decided he was getting too much negative press being a weatherman so he joined the cast of the Lion King where every night he gets to dress up like the king of the jungle and pretend he’s manlier than he really is. This is working out very well for him and he wanted me to tell you all that the costume makes his package actually look big for once. Life is good. Playgirl may be next on his list.

John C. has finally come out of the closet and will be starring in the newest Bachelor the “light” version. He and his adorable puppy, Rocky, live in South Beach and can often be found stalking Roberto while he is running around the baseball field shirtless and in his boxer briefs. Yummy.

Craig R. has been very busy talking to everyone. Even himself in the mirror. He has taken on the role of mother hen and is now the ‘Men Tell All’ spokesperson. Not only does he do public service announcements for Rated R but he is also on the board of directors for the new EVOOWF, (Extra Virgin Olive Oil Wrestling Federation). All of this, while he is trying so desperately to get America to vote for him as the next Bachelor. He really is trying so hard to get us to love him. Alll of him. Even his man boobs.

Jason (hi Jason) was hiding in the bathroom the whole first episode so we never really got to see him. It was at that moment that he had an epiphany and realized how much he missed hanging out in them. He now travels the world designing state of the art bathrooms as he finds these are exciting places to explore your mind and body. (Confused? You're not alone. There was a point behind this one, trust me)

Rated R has decided to switch up his wresting gear from simply ‘gay’ to ‘drag’ and can be found wearing his hot green dress in the woman’s state correctional facility. He learned very quickly that this would be the only way for him to get any action these days. Times are tough and he is not only mackin on Lindsay Lohan but also trying to devise a plan to get Martha back in the slammer. He has a thing for older women with no personality. Rated R and Justin both agree theirs is enough for all of them.

Kirk has decided to go into the family business. His first stuffed animal plans to be Frank (with glasses) as he thinks Ali would have brought him to Tahiti if it wasn’t for him. Hey there big boy, just a hunch but I think your freaky dad had something to do with it. I’m not sure. Just throwing it out there. In his down time, which he has a lot of since he stares at dead animals all. day. Long. He’s been making a scrapbook about his memories on the show and plans to have story time with the animals real soon. On a side note, poor Kirky said he’s never had his heart broken before. Um what, come again? Welcome to the club buddy. Glad you can make it, we’ve been waiting for you. My name is Danielle, I’m not only a member I’m also the president. I’d like to introduce you to the weatherman, he’s our recording secretary. Kasey (the freak in the back) will be giving free motivational speeches on how to guard and protect to avoid future heart breakage.

The first thing he recommends is to get a tattoo so that you automatically make the girl run for the hills, thereby ensuring you have no chance of getting near the broken heart stage. That is, unless of course you are like him and happen to fall in love with people before you meet them. In that case, please meet Frank in therapy. We will work on getting a group discount.

Hunter we didn’t know or care about before and so we will keep it this way.

Kyle, Derrick, and Tyler V…. Please refer to Hunter’s role above.

Chris N. is the new David Copperfield and since he does not like to talk to humans he spends his days pulling rabbits out of his hat (and a random edamame when he finds one). Since he relates to his bunny more than a person they are often found sitting cheek to cheek sipping sake through a straw. (Just go with me on this one…)

And last but not least we have born again Ty, who has decided to dedicate his life to fighting for women’s rights. He is now an active and proud member of the National Organization For Women. When he's not barefoot and preggers and cooking chicken parmesan in the kitchen, he and Mel Gibson can often be found volunteering at the local Planned Parenthood.

The End.

Before next week’s final rose…my one final thought:

Kasey for President. (high five)

OK, two final thoughts.

I want to know who the heck Jessie is sleeping with? No, not male Jesse who was in playgirl. The silent, but now has a voice, Jessie that showed up last night with her dress up to her coochi-coo. She must be sleeping with one of the producers, how else is she all of a sudden Little Miss Sunshine? Inquiring minds want to know!

Anyway, can't wait to see you and your new fake boobies on the Bachelor Pad!