This week's Bachelorette blog.
Here it is.
drumroll please.
Bentley is an ass.
Yes he is.
He is an Ass who likes Ashley's ass.
Problem being (pause to reflect. dot dot dot) he didn't want to take the rest of what's attached to that ass home to meet mamma.
Not even those supersize false eyelashes.
End blog.
Am I good with words, or am I good with words?
Heads, shoulders, knees, and tails. Knees and tails. Welcome folks, it's tickle your pickle time.
Here we go...heads - I blog about this weeks episode.....tails - I forgo the blog entirely and email Bentley directly on myspace. He must have an account, you're given one at the time of birth if you are an:
1) aspiring musician
2) Pedophile (we don't discriminate)
3) From Arkansas yet pretend you're from Compton
4) Porn Star
5) Desperately trying to get famous and facebook won't allow you to post the pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom....with your pants down....while pouting your lips trying to look sexy....yet coming across constipated.
umm, so ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I leave it up to you to decided which category he falls under. (psst, I say #6 all of the above?)
tbc....I'm still contemplating how we can get a man to dress up as Ashley and tickle his pickle.
Dear Mr. Mask, can we borrow your face for a minute? And yes, I really do mean a minute.
1) aspiring musician
2) Pedophile (we don't discriminate)
3) From Arkansas yet pretend you're from Compton
4) Porn Star
5) Desperately trying to get famous and facebook won't allow you to post the pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom....with your pants down....while pouting your lips trying to look sexy....yet coming across constipated.
umm, so ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I leave it up to you to decided which category he falls under. (psst, I say #6 all of the above?)
tbc....I'm still contemplating how we can get a man to dress up as Ashley and tickle his pickle.
Dear Mr. Mask, can we borrow your face for a minute? And yes, I really do mean a minute.
If you can’t take the heat, get out of the….oven? Damn, I was so busy preparing for the rapture I didn’t even know they changed the saying.
Disclaimer: As many of you have expressed your concern for that I’ve been buried alive under my work. The truth is I was/am. But I’ve been able to dig out one hand in an attempt to blog about this “amazing” (compliments of Jason Mesnick) season. With that being said, I will do my best to write something after every episode…even if it’s just a paragraph…
Oh, one more thing. This week’s blog is dedicated to the Trager Sisters. Fist pump.
Enough with my babble, let’s talk about the serious stuff. This season’s drinking word is….Insecurity. We will also accept insecure, insecurities, and insecurorama. Not to be confused with good self esteem. Which our dear Ashley has none of.
So Ashley is back from her extreme makeover home edition and since when is she the ‘tiny dancer’? Did we know that? Guess I didn’t pay enough attention last time. I couldn’t hear a thing over all her whining and complaining. BUT lucky for me, she bounced back from her deep love affair with Brad and is now ready to spread her legs, I mean herself, to 25 lucky suitors.
“I’m the most skeptical person you can ever meet” – Ashley Something. (I presume she has a last name but I don't care enough about her to google stalk). I'm just not that into her.
Well Tinker Bell, good thing you’re searching for your husband on a reality show. Keep this trend up and we look forward to your debut on divorce court.
Once again we find ourselves with a room full of hot men all ready and willing to jump at the chance to put the ball and chain on. And no we are not on a commune in Utah. We are here, in LA, land of men dying to settle down and start a family. I’m serious. No sarcasm at all. Nope, not this time.
Before I start ripping apart these poor men (hey, they asked for it) all I have to say is I can probably get into some serious trouble with JP. Dangerous. Very dangerous. (evil laugh). Husband material, yeah probably not so much. BUT fun time with Mr. Construction man. Yes. We. Can.
Ok, so here are the lucky ones who stood out.
Ryan – yummy
John – Something about that suit and tie makes him look like he should be working in the shoe dept at Nordstrom.
Ben – oui oui. That’s French for, mmmm I’ll have that.
Steven – Hair so straight and suave. Looks like you just got the brazillian. We must have used the same groupon. Did you put my name down? I want my $10 credit.
Chris – not sure if was rapping or attempting a poem. (aww, our friend Casey must have prepped him). Whatever, it was cute.
West – Super cute. Love the compass that he gave her. (Dear Mr. West, I’m lost. Please come find me and go down south). Oops. Need to put a lid on it.
Anthony – First of all….oh I won’t even go there. Ok yes I will. Can he fit any more of an east coast stereotype. Loved the gold necklace Tony. Luigi and Mario want. it. back.
Ames – Harvard, Stanford, Yale?? Where did he not go to school. Key word: overachiever. Now ballet tickets? Dude this guy probably even has my life planned out for me on an excel spreadsheet. Sweet, so does it say anywhere on there that I get to be the next Bachelorette? Oh God help me, I would rather make a fake eharmony commercial with my brother. What??? Moving on…
Matt – handshake = fun and awesome. (Interlude: I did that recently on a date and the guy stared at me. I kicked him to the curb right after. Who doesn’t want to be a goofball sometimes? Sorry, keep forgetting this is not about me)
Jeff – Mask
Ben – Winemaker. Oh wait, did you think I was going to say anything else about the Pied Piper? Ummm, he has beautiful eyes? I like him for his heart, not his face. Well that would be true since he forgot to change his outfit after he shot his S&M video.
Back to Ben, he’s a winemaker. I already married him in my head.
Frank – he picked her up and danced around with her. So glad Ashley’s new wig didn’t fall off, that would have been awkward.
Mike – She’s gonna gas him inside? Tmi.
JP- Stranger danger (in a good way)
Nick – just got his tips highlighted. Someone forgot to tell him the 80’s are over. Was kinda expecting him to have Zinka on his nose too. In a bright color. Like maybe pink?
Constantine – he should get a rose just because his name is Constantine. But wait, there’s more. The pink dental floss as a ring. Genius. So cute and creative!
Cocktail Party:
Quick overview:
1) Calling the mom on first date? I thought that only happens with the mammas boys on jdate? At least wait to the second date to reveal your umbilical cord.
2) “I’m just in sales”. Ashley, we’ve found your soulmate! Now both of you can work on your self esteem together.
3) Bentley needs to be run over by a Bentley. Oh crap, bad karma for me. Just kidding. Sending pink light.
Well.. that about wraps up our evening folks. She picked some guys, dumped some others….you know how this game is played - she’s probably already in love. I know I am (deep love)…with JP. PS, JP- you can call me cupcake, babycake, buttercake, you can even call me Suzy if you want. I'm an equal opp kinda gal.
Oh, one more thing. This week’s blog is dedicated to the Trager Sisters. Fist pump.
Enough with my babble, let’s talk about the serious stuff. This season’s drinking word is….Insecurity. We will also accept insecure, insecurities, and insecurorama. Not to be confused with good self esteem. Which our dear Ashley has none of.
So Ashley is back from her extreme makeover home edition and since when is she the ‘tiny dancer’? Did we know that? Guess I didn’t pay enough attention last time. I couldn’t hear a thing over all her whining and complaining. BUT lucky for me, she bounced back from her deep love affair with Brad and is now ready to spread her legs, I mean herself, to 25 lucky suitors.
“I’m the most skeptical person you can ever meet” – Ashley Something. (I presume she has a last name but I don't care enough about her to google stalk). I'm just not that into her.
Well Tinker Bell, good thing you’re searching for your husband on a reality show. Keep this trend up and we look forward to your debut on divorce court.
Once again we find ourselves with a room full of hot men all ready and willing to jump at the chance to put the ball and chain on. And no we are not on a commune in Utah. We are here, in LA, land of men dying to settle down and start a family. I’m serious. No sarcasm at all. Nope, not this time.
Before I start ripping apart these poor men (hey, they asked for it) all I have to say is I can probably get into some serious trouble with JP. Dangerous. Very dangerous. (evil laugh). Husband material, yeah probably not so much. BUT fun time with Mr. Construction man. Yes. We. Can.
Ok, so here are the lucky ones who stood out.
Ryan – yummy
John – Something about that suit and tie makes him look like he should be working in the shoe dept at Nordstrom.
Ben – oui oui. That’s French for, mmmm I’ll have that.
Steven – Hair so straight and suave. Looks like you just got the brazillian. We must have used the same groupon. Did you put my name down? I want my $10 credit.
Chris – not sure if was rapping or attempting a poem. (aww, our friend Casey must have prepped him). Whatever, it was cute.
West – Super cute. Love the compass that he gave her. (Dear Mr. West, I’m lost. Please come find me and go down south). Oops. Need to put a lid on it.
Anthony – First of all….oh I won’t even go there. Ok yes I will. Can he fit any more of an east coast stereotype. Loved the gold necklace Tony. Luigi and Mario want. it. back.
Ames – Harvard, Stanford, Yale?? Where did he not go to school. Key word: overachiever. Now ballet tickets? Dude this guy probably even has my life planned out for me on an excel spreadsheet. Sweet, so does it say anywhere on there that I get to be the next Bachelorette? Oh God help me, I would rather make a fake eharmony commercial with my brother. What??? Moving on…
Matt – handshake = fun and awesome. (Interlude: I did that recently on a date and the guy stared at me. I kicked him to the curb right after. Who doesn’t want to be a goofball sometimes? Sorry, keep forgetting this is not about me)
Jeff – Mask
Ben – Winemaker. Oh wait, did you think I was going to say anything else about the Pied Piper? Ummm, he has beautiful eyes? I like him for his heart, not his face. Well that would be true since he forgot to change his outfit after he shot his S&M video.
Back to Ben, he’s a winemaker. I already married him in my head.
Frank – he picked her up and danced around with her. So glad Ashley’s new wig didn’t fall off, that would have been awkward.
Mike – She’s gonna gas him inside? Tmi.
JP- Stranger danger (in a good way)
Nick – just got his tips highlighted. Someone forgot to tell him the 80’s are over. Was kinda expecting him to have Zinka on his nose too. In a bright color. Like maybe pink?
Constantine – he should get a rose just because his name is Constantine. But wait, there’s more. The pink dental floss as a ring. Genius. So cute and creative!
Cocktail Party:
Quick overview:
1) Calling the mom on first date? I thought that only happens with the mammas boys on jdate? At least wait to the second date to reveal your umbilical cord.
2) “I’m just in sales”. Ashley, we’ve found your soulmate! Now both of you can work on your self esteem together.
3) Bentley needs to be run over by a Bentley. Oh crap, bad karma for me. Just kidding. Sending pink light.
Well.. that about wraps up our evening folks. She picked some guys, dumped some others….you know how this game is played - she’s probably already in love. I know I am (deep love)…with JP. PS, JP- you can call me cupcake, babycake, buttercake, you can even call me Suzy if you want. I'm an equal opp kinda gal.
Are you my Father?
Yes, just like the children’s book.
Volume I, Are You My Mother? was sold out within the first 10 minutes of episode 1. Due to this overwhelming demand they had to publish an updated edition appropriate for this seasons theme.
Next up, Are You My Gardener? You told me I was the only bush you liked.
Somehow I stumbled upon the application for The Bachelor and it looked something like this:
To be accepted on Brad’s season of the Bachelor, please make sure all of the below requirements apply.
1) You were abandoned or dropped on your head by your father.
2) When we say Who’s your daddy? You immediately think of Brad.
3) The only male figure in your life was your Gardner, please see above and keep your bush to yourself.
Thank God we have a therapist on this season because yes, everyone has daddy issues.
Interlude:
Due to unforeseen circumstances, (aka, my new demanding job) I am forced to turn this blog into my version of Cliff notes. DT Notes it is.
Hopefully you will still laugh even if it’s half the amount. What can I say? Daddy is cutting me off and I have to make a living somehow.
Back
One on one date with Ashley:
We start off with entertainment sounding like it came from a Cruise ship. Close your eyes and you’ll totally believe you’re in the “Seagull Lounge” on a Carnival Cruise line. Yes, I know from experience. Don’t ask. I’m still recovering.
Ashley is overwhelmed with emotion. All of which every one (except her) can tell it is from her Father. Yet she thinks the tears are a sign of her love for Brad. Oh honey..it’s too soon to start this nonsense. But thank you for the early entertainment.
Brad to Ashley: “Thank you. for. opening up. I. really appreciate. it. “
(Clearly he went to the same speech class as our favorite Bachelor from Cape Cod).
My advice to the lady: Take the rose beatch before he changes his mind again.
Group Date: Love Hurts – Michelle cries, take IV
How Hollywood, they’re filming an adventure movie.
Funeral Director takes one for the team (the living and the dead….oh…he doesn’t know about this yet….can’t wait to see his reaction. Scratch that, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen him have a reaction - to anything).
Question: When did Michelle become the narrator for the show? I constantly hear her voice, Chris where did you go? Come back, I need you daddy.
Rose goes to funeral director. Is this the kiss of death? I bet she hopes so. Sorry couldn’t resist.
One on one date with Barbie:
A couple things Emily has motivated me to do:
1)Pretend I have a southern accent
2)Get a tan
3)Loose 100 lbs
4)Prepare my teeth as if I’m going to be in a crest commercial
5)Start a petition for her as the new bachelor. Yeah I know she’s still on the show, but let’s face it a sweet girl like her needs a guy with a personality. Let’s not pretend like Brad is capable of the impossible.
Lesson #1 of the day: What not to ask a widow.
“So why did your last relationship end?”
What elephant in the room? I didn’t notice it. Just the platypus in the corner.
Sidenote: I started my own drinking game every time she talked about her tragic story. By the end of the show I was carried home like a drunken sailer and now I need Brad’s therapist in more ways than one. Good thing he flew him in from Australia, or wherever he's from. All I know is you just presented me with a guy that can talk about his feelings and has a hot accent. When do we meet and do you mind if I call you daddy?
Cocktail Party:
Newsflash: Fangs, de-fangs and may walk or waddle off the set. She’s not really a vampire after all. Really? Because I haven’t had enough of this whole Twilight thing yet.
Rose Ceremony:
Question #2:
Do they make the girls hold the roses (with both hands) in that ridiculous upright position the entire time?
Note to camera man: Not a good idea to zoom in on one of the girls while she’s making a double chin gesture. It’s sure to cause her severe stress when she’s watching this at home without Brad.
Therapist gains patient #3 immediately.
Who stays? Who goes?
Not like we really care but SOMEHOW we're still watching as if we do. Bottoms up!
-First rose goes to Psycho.(That’s Michelle for any male who is watching and is somehow still mesmerized by her looks…..like Brad. Stop thinking with that pecker stiff boy. Oh! Didn’t mean it like that. But yes, down boy, down I say!)
-Next, The slapper also gets a rose.
Oops, we interrupt this national geographic documentary on, Daddyless Girls and TheirMating Clinging Patterns, to bring you Fangs dramatic exit from the show.
“How could I love you when all these other girls NEED your love …..” Well, something like that.
Let’s just say I half believe her, and the other half (ok the other half-ish) is the Great Wall of China surrounding her fangs (pre-removal), tatas and who-ha.
Break down that wall you action hero you. Ok don’t. You’ve got other girls to pretend to commit to.
Smart girl Madison, here’s your get out of jail free card. Enjoy. Cheers. And Shalom.
And we’re back.
-Lisa (shocked as hell, and so were we)
-Jackie (Who’s Jackie?)
Ashley
Marissa
Brit
Alli
Lindsay
Megan (shocker numero 4 of the evening)
Stacey (don’t worry Stacey; it has nothing to do with the fact that I can do a pap smear on you in that dress. Nothing.)
Until next time. I’m gonna go find my dad, he’s probably lost in Costco.
Volume I, Are You My Mother? was sold out within the first 10 minutes of episode 1. Due to this overwhelming demand they had to publish an updated edition appropriate for this seasons theme.
Next up, Are You My Gardener? You told me I was the only bush you liked.
Somehow I stumbled upon the application for The Bachelor and it looked something like this:
To be accepted on Brad’s season of the Bachelor, please make sure all of the below requirements apply.
1) You were abandoned or dropped on your head by your father.
2) When we say Who’s your daddy? You immediately think of Brad.
3) The only male figure in your life was your Gardner, please see above and keep your bush to yourself.
Thank God we have a therapist on this season because yes, everyone has daddy issues.
Interlude:
Due to unforeseen circumstances, (aka, my new demanding job) I am forced to turn this blog into my version of Cliff notes. DT Notes it is.
Hopefully you will still laugh even if it’s half the amount. What can I say? Daddy is cutting me off and I have to make a living somehow.
Back
One on one date with Ashley:
We start off with entertainment sounding like it came from a Cruise ship. Close your eyes and you’ll totally believe you’re in the “Seagull Lounge” on a Carnival Cruise line. Yes, I know from experience. Don’t ask. I’m still recovering.
Ashley is overwhelmed with emotion. All of which every one (except her) can tell it is from her Father. Yet she thinks the tears are a sign of her love for Brad. Oh honey..it’s too soon to start this nonsense. But thank you for the early entertainment.
Brad to Ashley: “Thank you. for. opening up. I. really appreciate. it. “
(Clearly he went to the same speech class as our favorite Bachelor from Cape Cod).
My advice to the lady: Take the rose beatch before he changes his mind again.
Group Date: Love Hurts – Michelle cries, take IV
How Hollywood, they’re filming an adventure movie.
Funeral Director takes one for the team (the living and the dead….oh…he doesn’t know about this yet….can’t wait to see his reaction. Scratch that, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen him have a reaction - to anything).
Question: When did Michelle become the narrator for the show? I constantly hear her voice, Chris where did you go? Come back, I need you daddy.
Rose goes to funeral director. Is this the kiss of death? I bet she hopes so. Sorry couldn’t resist.
One on one date with Barbie:
A couple things Emily has motivated me to do:
1)Pretend I have a southern accent
2)Get a tan
3)Loose 100 lbs
4)Prepare my teeth as if I’m going to be in a crest commercial
5)Start a petition for her as the new bachelor. Yeah I know she’s still on the show, but let’s face it a sweet girl like her needs a guy with a personality. Let’s not pretend like Brad is capable of the impossible.
Lesson #1 of the day: What not to ask a widow.
“So why did your last relationship end?”
What elephant in the room? I didn’t notice it. Just the platypus in the corner.
Sidenote: I started my own drinking game every time she talked about her tragic story. By the end of the show I was carried home like a drunken sailer and now I need Brad’s therapist in more ways than one. Good thing he flew him in from Australia, or wherever he's from. All I know is you just presented me with a guy that can talk about his feelings and has a hot accent. When do we meet and do you mind if I call you daddy?
Cocktail Party:
Newsflash: Fangs, de-fangs and may walk or waddle off the set. She’s not really a vampire after all. Really? Because I haven’t had enough of this whole Twilight thing yet.
Rose Ceremony:
Question #2:
Do they make the girls hold the roses (with both hands) in that ridiculous upright position the entire time?
Note to camera man: Not a good idea to zoom in on one of the girls while she’s making a double chin gesture. It’s sure to cause her severe stress when she’s watching this at home without Brad.
Therapist gains patient #3 immediately.
Who stays? Who goes?
Not like we really care but SOMEHOW we're still watching as if we do. Bottoms up!
-First rose goes to Psycho.(That’s Michelle for any male who is watching and is somehow still mesmerized by her looks…..like Brad. Stop thinking with that pecker stiff boy. Oh! Didn’t mean it like that. But yes, down boy, down I say!)
-Next, The slapper also gets a rose.
Oops, we interrupt this national geographic documentary on, Daddyless Girls and Their
“How could I love you when all these other girls NEED your love …..” Well, something like that.
Let’s just say I half believe her, and the other half (ok the other half-ish) is the Great Wall of China surrounding her fangs (pre-removal), tatas and who-ha.
Break down that wall you action hero you. Ok don’t. You’ve got other girls to pretend to commit to.
Smart girl Madison, here’s your get out of jail free card. Enjoy. Cheers. And Shalom.
And we’re back.
-Lisa (shocked as hell, and so were we)
-Jackie (Who’s Jackie?)
Ashley
Marissa
Brit
Alli
Lindsay
Megan (shocker numero 4 of the evening)
Stacey (don’t worry Stacey; it has nothing to do with the fact that I can do a pap smear on you in that dress. Nothing.)
Until next time. I’m gonna go find my dad, he’s probably lost in Costco.
“I’ve changed”. And so has that tranny that they snuck on as one of the bachelorettes. (And for a limited time only 10% off your next embalming if you know which one I’m talking about)
So three years later and here we are Brady baby. Either he swallowed a large can of botox or he hasn’t actually changed one bit because he’s still as stiff and lifeless as I last remembered. Ooohhh peeeerrfect for our new neighborhood mortician. Where are the men with personalities? Even multiple would be better than none at this point.
First, the Bachelor gave us that lame “millionare” named Alex who was worse than AT&T's service. Then years later we are presented with a doctor who was so boring his dates probably personally flatlined themselves (once again new clients for Morticia). Then a so called “prince” of some kakamane made up kingdom, whose nose was definitely larger than his personality…among other things I’m sure. Oh and let’s not forget the controlling, verbal abuser they flew in from Texas. Yeehaw! We’re on a roll now.
So, you’re telling us the producers combed the country for the most eligible Bachelor and this is who they came back with? For Christ sakes, just kill me now. Maybe Fangs will do the honors.
Back to our Bradley.
Well where do we begin? A lot has happened during his “time off”. Let me tell you what really changed during his breakdown:
1)He underwent a major Manscapation (new word, just made it up) of his entire chest and back.
2)He didn’t want to be the only one on the show without implants so he had his “ pectorals” done (yes, say it with me folks, pec-tor-als). Please note: he likes to flex them during the close ups.
3)He realized sooner rather than later, I mean later rather than sooner, that he is actually here now for “all the right reasons”. You mean the T & A? Yeah we know tin man, we know.
4)The weight of the world has been lifted from his shoulders. Unfortunately it has been replaced with a 3-D image of Jesus on his back, or maybe it’s just the cross. But in any case, Jesus Brad (pun intended, ok not funny) we get the point. Might I have suggested a small, and delicate tramp stamp on your lower back instead?
And just like his monotone voice, here is what has remained consistent:
1)His speech is still slower than a biggest loser contestant running a marathon.
2)He is still spray tanning like he’s a member of the oompa loompa tribe. Hey, well maybe it is his real skin color. I don’t discriminate. I bash all boring men, even the orange ones.
3)He’s still Brad Womack. Oh, that was low, I’m just kidding. You’re not that bad, at least you’re easy on the eyes. Just don’t make me talk to you. I’d rather scratch my nails on a chalkboard. No really, I would.
Ok, so now that we got that out in the open and before I begin (wait too late, crap, this always happens) I have to genuinely give our main man a high five for diving deep and being man enough to go to therapy when most others would just keep running from the problem(s). Ok no more nice D, we don’t have time for that here.
But hey, just like he said, it’s not his fault his dad was a shmuck. It all goes back to the parents. Yup it’s true, we can always blame our parents for our issues. So this leads me to suggest a new dating service. Screw going out with the actual guy. I think we should skip the fluff and cut to the chase....date the parents. Then we can REALLY see what kind of hot mess we’re getting ourselves into ahead of time. I think I may be onto something. Should I arrange a ladies road trip to the nearest retirement community? Dibs on the hottie in the corner with no teeth – he looked like he was a good time before he turned into a dinosaur.
In conclusion.
Therapy + pectoral implants + life size inflatable tattoo (oh Casey I miss you) on upper back = a changed man. Hooray!
However, in the slight or not so slight case that we don’t actually believe any of the above crap, they do show the customary clip of him twirling around some borrowed kids like he’s Mother effing Teresa. And his mother, god bless her and the sweat dripping down her face, (must be related to Roberto) is there to reinforce this “changed” concept. Oh, OK, OK...now we believe him. Of course we trust her. She’s not biased, it’s only her son.
He’s official.
Kid tested, mother approved. Perfect man for a Kix commercial but not so much for the new contestant on the Bachelor.
Forward, heave ho. (not you Blondie in the back that doesn’t have a chance in hell of getting a rose.)
But before I introduce theseskanks. Bitches. Hustlers. Classy ladies? No, no, skanks. Yes that’s better. Before I introduce them, we see Brad pulling up to our favorite hosed down driveway that we know and love so well.
Stepping out of the limo like a scared baby bird (could he be a Raven? No. A bluejay? No. Oh, I know. Like the Dodo bird from Alice in Wonderland) ready to spread his wings, he painfully makes his way to the interrogation station next to our buddy Chris.
He starts in with, “I wasn’t capable of falling in love” Please Bradford, this blog is long enough. You don’t need to state the obvious. No worries though Mr. Robato, I know a lot of men like you. You must all be from the same litter.
Yes, we all make mistakes. But you my dear orange tiger made them on national television. Which, makes you my new pet project. (evil laugh)
Oh guess what, remember those asses you tapped (before your 3 year dry spell) well here they are. Enter stage left: the wicked witch and her little dog too.
Gulp.
Neck scratch, neck scratch
Loosen tie
Double gulp again like you just had the best slurpee in town. Topped off with the brain freeze look. Ohhh, that one’s a killer. I know.
Jenni and Deanna, nice of you to join us. Cleary Deanna was still angry, fake, and did I mention bossy? She looked like she was trying to do a sales pitch during a bout of constipation. It clearly wasn’t working for her. What’s your deal boss lady? Haven’t you moved on? Aren’t you engaged to your ex-fiancés, ex-girlfriends, new fiancés, twin brother? Say what? I’m confused and all I know to be true is that someone needs to go to Costco and purchase a package of those take home STD tests ahora. I bet there’s some serious things jumping, swimming, and/or whatever they do circling in that group. Time to play crazy cult people and move to Utah. Happy trails to youuuuuuuu.
Enough of this nonsense. And now our lucky Bachelorettes who have this ‘amazing opportunity’ to date our commitment phobe of the week. Is reality TV great or what?
Here we go. The “lucky” (I use this term loosely these days) women of the hour are….
1)First up. First name: Chantal. Last name: “I’m just the messenger.” (Oh, I’m so using that line from now on) SLAP! POW! BAM! It’s like a Batman and Robin episode. Ooooh, but Mikey likes it, he really does. Do it again, do it again! Well. Guess we all know now he likes it rough in bed.
2)Moving on. Kimberley joins us sporting some kind of brass knuckle gear on her hand and wearing her favorite sparkly Forever 21 dress. It’s too bad though, because she’s clearly not. Good thing however, she saved money on her dress because she spent the rest of it on her lip injection (emphasis on the singular). Couldn’t help but think about Elvis as it did this curl thing… She’s trying to be sexy but it’s not exactly there yet. Try again in 3 years like Brad.
3)Alli joins us and tells us she’s willing to give him a second chance. Too bad, he’s probably not with her.
4)Ashley from North Carolina uses her southern accent to lure him in and grab his manscaped ass.
5)Next, we had an unidentified pair of shoes walking out of the limo. Good first impression. Nothing says high maintenance like a pair of designer shoes that you can barely walk in.
6)Marissa asks him if he would be ok with a girl that is obsessed with sports. Really? That’s like asking your boyfriend if he minds having a threesome with the girls next door. Come on now.
7)Poor Lindsay from Dallas. She seems to be missing a link on one of her chromosomes. Tranny alert. Tranny alert.
8)Ashley is cute and sweet and I couldn’t help but notice that her flat, pushed in face bares a striking resemblance to my shih-tzu. Ahh. Good girl. Now sit, roll over, and play dead for our friendly funeral director.
9)Raichel the manscaper. Is that even a word? Not fair, they already know each other, who else waxed his chest before his photoshoots?
10)Just when we thought we were done with all unidentified objects, we spot a white, pointy situation. Alright, do we ignore this cry for attention? Or are we an equal opportunity show? Well let’s see. For starters, she says she knows nothing about him. Ding Ding Ding! IGNORE the fangs. Fangs? What fangs? Madison, I know nothing about you and I’m not one to judge (giggle) but I will say you look like a ridiculous walrus.
11)Melissa jumps into his arms. Yeah, that’s all. Next.
12)Renee comes out of the limo wearing my homecoming dress from 1993. Damn girl, I thought that was still in my closet.
13)Cristy from florida, has a big smile. That will surely change after one conversation with Mr. Personality himself.
14)Jackie who looks exactly like the girl from Glee. Oh and she sings too! It is you. Time for a duet? ...On the Wings of Love...Pinky swear you won’t be the last girl standing. Do it for all of America.
15)Sara P. makes him get down on his knee. Yup, it’s confirmed. He didn’t like it and is never going down on anyone again.
16)Lacey. She wore a purple dress. Hmm, that’s all I remember. Hey Lacey that’s a compliment.
17)Lauren looks sweet but there’s something about her eyes...just can’t place it yet...
18)Lisa P.thank you for coming. We know it was a long drive from Vegas and all. Where did you park your trailer?
19)Shawntel tip toes around trying not to slip and fall. She doesn’t want to break her neck and die since she knows what “they” do with the dead. Roger,10-4, please set this doooozy up with Kirk’s dad STAT! Wondering if anyone caught Brad say, you can make anyone look good? Oh Bradfordson, you have no idea. Should have seen what she did with MJ, he was as black as his monkey when she was done fluffing him.
20)Next up we have a mime. I give her an 8.5 for originality and a 4.5 for that horrible “updo”. Why is Kirk’s family back in the picture? His mom was your stylist, wasn’t she?
21)Poor Stacey from Boston doesn’t know anything about him (shaking head...kids these days...)
22)Hi, “I’m Jill, I’m ready to get married” Wow, why didn’t you just have the mime carry out your eggs on a silver platter while you’re at it?
23)Lisa M. from Kansas and her Dorothy slippers. Cute and original. Memorable. Or was it her African American spray tan? Well it’s not her fault, she is from Kansas. How are they really supposed to know what fake LA girls look like? Do they even get US Weekly there?
24)Rebecca the esthetician. Props to her nice skin! However I doubt Brad is concerned about that considering I’m about to skin him for my new leather purse.
25)J, not Jay but “J”. Sooo 2009. Anyway, it’s her birthday. Happy Quinceañera.
26)Kettle korn and her legs. Legs great, face, mmmm, not so much. Let’s hope personality makes up for it.
27)Sarah L. can’t snap and also can’t make small talk.zzzzzzzzz
28)Emily is clearly gorgeous and looks like a pageant queen. Thank you for taking time off from your duties as Rose Bowl Queen. We know it’s tough to smile and wave all day.
29)Britt had a tough act to follow, but she pulled through and fed the man. Smart woman. He’ll definitely keep you around matter what you look like. A man’s gotta eat, especially after he bangs all the other chics.
30)Last but not least, or maybe? Is Michelle, wasn't she one of the housewives of NYC?
And there you have it; our 30 lucky ladies who get to throw themselves on some guy that they don’t even know. Yay for trashy TV and a 2 hour distraction during the day.
Cocktail party: part therapy, part nervous twitch
The highlight of the night: Our very own Glee singer writes a love song and I do her a favor by filling in the end:
I came here today
To come to LA
Take me away…..
Because you’re probably now gay
Alli talks about her big ass, trying too hard to be one of the Kardashians. Keep trying.
Manscaped, batwings? Hmm sounds like something that would be a good match with Fangs. I finally see something promising here. Love is in the air...every time she takes a bite..
First impression rose:
The lucky lady is no other than Miss southern belle herself. Miss Ashley who pulls the “friend card” right out of his ass where she grabbed it. Good work Scarlett.
Final rose ceremony:
In an effort to save more of your precious moments that you've already lost from watching this show I will present to you the losers... in which case may very well be the winners if you ask me...but hey, who’s asking...
Bye bye Lauren. I’m sorry, you did look sweet, but you also looked like you could be in Avatar. Better luck next time. Go plug your tail into someone else’s flying thingy...he’s just not into that kinda thing. Fangs, yes. Computerish creatures, apparently not.
Adios to Brittney and the dead skunk/updo on her head.
And C'est la vie to some other girls that I don’t even remember and have no intention of remembering. Good luck, and see you back on the show in 10 years when you’re still looking for a bag of dried up nuts.
So what have we learned tonight?
Well, he’s a new man, was in therapy for 3 years, is looking for his wife...with possible fangs and/or dentures will do. Oh, of course he likes the fangs, he’s a scorpio…kinky kinky kinky. Come on Scorpios, don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Your secret is safe with me. Wink wink.
And in case you didn’t hear, he’s a new man. And thank god for that because America wasn't too fond of the old one. Does that mean your twin brother is the old you, too? Sucks to be him. Guess there’s always a rotten egg in the group.
Ps- nice touch with Seal and his comeback?...almost made me teary eyed, thank God I didn't see a rainbow - it’s too early in the season to be the crier.
One last note. He’s changed, let the manscaping begin...
First, the Bachelor gave us that lame “millionare” named Alex who was worse than AT&T's service. Then years later we are presented with a doctor who was so boring his dates probably personally flatlined themselves (once again new clients for Morticia). Then a so called “prince” of some kakamane made up kingdom, whose nose was definitely larger than his personality…among other things I’m sure. Oh and let’s not forget the controlling, verbal abuser they flew in from Texas. Yeehaw! We’re on a roll now.
So, you’re telling us the producers combed the country for the most eligible Bachelor and this is who they came back with? For Christ sakes, just kill me now. Maybe Fangs will do the honors.
Back to our Bradley.
Well where do we begin? A lot has happened during his “time off”. Let me tell you what really changed during his breakdown:
1)He underwent a major Manscapation (new word, just made it up) of his entire chest and back.
2)He didn’t want to be the only one on the show without implants so he had his “ pectorals” done (yes, say it with me folks, pec-tor-als). Please note: he likes to flex them during the close ups.
3)He realized sooner rather than later, I mean later rather than sooner, that he is actually here now for “all the right reasons”. You mean the T & A? Yeah we know tin man, we know.
4)The weight of the world has been lifted from his shoulders. Unfortunately it has been replaced with a 3-D image of Jesus on his back, or maybe it’s just the cross. But in any case, Jesus Brad (pun intended, ok not funny) we get the point. Might I have suggested a small, and delicate tramp stamp on your lower back instead?
And just like his monotone voice, here is what has remained consistent:
1)His speech is still slower than a biggest loser contestant running a marathon.
2)He is still spray tanning like he’s a member of the oompa loompa tribe. Hey, well maybe it is his real skin color. I don’t discriminate. I bash all boring men, even the orange ones.
3)He’s still Brad Womack. Oh, that was low, I’m just kidding. You’re not that bad, at least you’re easy on the eyes. Just don’t make me talk to you. I’d rather scratch my nails on a chalkboard. No really, I would.
Ok, so now that we got that out in the open and before I begin (wait too late, crap, this always happens) I have to genuinely give our main man a high five for diving deep and being man enough to go to therapy when most others would just keep running from the problem(s). Ok no more nice D, we don’t have time for that here.
But hey, just like he said, it’s not his fault his dad was a shmuck. It all goes back to the parents. Yup it’s true, we can always blame our parents for our issues. So this leads me to suggest a new dating service. Screw going out with the actual guy. I think we should skip the fluff and cut to the chase....date the parents. Then we can REALLY see what kind of hot mess we’re getting ourselves into ahead of time. I think I may be onto something. Should I arrange a ladies road trip to the nearest retirement community? Dibs on the hottie in the corner with no teeth – he looked like he was a good time before he turned into a dinosaur.
In conclusion.
Therapy + pectoral implants + life size inflatable tattoo (oh Casey I miss you) on upper back = a changed man. Hooray!
However, in the slight or not so slight case that we don’t actually believe any of the above crap, they do show the customary clip of him twirling around some borrowed kids like he’s Mother effing Teresa. And his mother, god bless her and the sweat dripping down her face, (must be related to Roberto) is there to reinforce this “changed” concept. Oh, OK, OK...now we believe him. Of course we trust her. She’s not biased, it’s only her son.
He’s official.
Kid tested, mother approved. Perfect man for a Kix commercial but not so much for the new contestant on the Bachelor.
Forward, heave ho. (not you Blondie in the back that doesn’t have a chance in hell of getting a rose.)
But before I introduce these
Stepping out of the limo like a scared baby bird (could he be a Raven? No. A bluejay? No. Oh, I know. Like the Dodo bird from Alice in Wonderland) ready to spread his wings, he painfully makes his way to the interrogation station next to our buddy Chris.
He starts in with, “I wasn’t capable of falling in love” Please Bradford, this blog is long enough. You don’t need to state the obvious. No worries though Mr. Robato, I know a lot of men like you. You must all be from the same litter.
Yes, we all make mistakes. But you my dear orange tiger made them on national television. Which, makes you my new pet project. (evil laugh)
Oh guess what, remember those asses you tapped (before your 3 year dry spell) well here they are. Enter stage left: the wicked witch and her little dog too.
Gulp.
Neck scratch, neck scratch
Loosen tie
Double gulp again like you just had the best slurpee in town. Topped off with the brain freeze look. Ohhh, that one’s a killer. I know.
Jenni and Deanna, nice of you to join us. Cleary Deanna was still angry, fake, and did I mention bossy? She looked like she was trying to do a sales pitch during a bout of constipation. It clearly wasn’t working for her. What’s your deal boss lady? Haven’t you moved on? Aren’t you engaged to your ex-fiancés, ex-girlfriends, new fiancés, twin brother? Say what? I’m confused and all I know to be true is that someone needs to go to Costco and purchase a package of those take home STD tests ahora. I bet there’s some serious things jumping, swimming, and/or whatever they do circling in that group. Time to play crazy cult people and move to Utah. Happy trails to youuuuuuuu.
Enough of this nonsense. And now our lucky Bachelorettes who have this ‘amazing opportunity’ to date our commitment phobe of the week. Is reality TV great or what?
Here we go. The “lucky” (I use this term loosely these days) women of the hour are….
1)First up. First name: Chantal. Last name: “I’m just the messenger.” (Oh, I’m so using that line from now on) SLAP! POW! BAM! It’s like a Batman and Robin episode. Ooooh, but Mikey likes it, he really does. Do it again, do it again! Well. Guess we all know now he likes it rough in bed.
2)Moving on. Kimberley joins us sporting some kind of brass knuckle gear on her hand and wearing her favorite sparkly Forever 21 dress. It’s too bad though, because she’s clearly not. Good thing however, she saved money on her dress because she spent the rest of it on her lip injection (emphasis on the singular). Couldn’t help but think about Elvis as it did this curl thing… She’s trying to be sexy but it’s not exactly there yet. Try again in 3 years like Brad.
3)Alli joins us and tells us she’s willing to give him a second chance. Too bad, he’s probably not with her.
4)Ashley from North Carolina uses her southern accent to lure him in and grab his manscaped ass.
5)Next, we had an unidentified pair of shoes walking out of the limo. Good first impression. Nothing says high maintenance like a pair of designer shoes that you can barely walk in.
6)Marissa asks him if he would be ok with a girl that is obsessed with sports. Really? That’s like asking your boyfriend if he minds having a threesome with the girls next door. Come on now.
7)Poor Lindsay from Dallas. She seems to be missing a link on one of her chromosomes. Tranny alert. Tranny alert.
8)Ashley is cute and sweet and I couldn’t help but notice that her flat, pushed in face bares a striking resemblance to my shih-tzu. Ahh. Good girl. Now sit, roll over, and play dead for our friendly funeral director.
9)Raichel the manscaper. Is that even a word? Not fair, they already know each other, who else waxed his chest before his photoshoots?
10)Just when we thought we were done with all unidentified objects, we spot a white, pointy situation. Alright, do we ignore this cry for attention? Or are we an equal opportunity show? Well let’s see. For starters, she says she knows nothing about him. Ding Ding Ding! IGNORE the fangs. Fangs? What fangs? Madison, I know nothing about you and I’m not one to judge (giggle) but I will say you look like a ridiculous walrus.
11)Melissa jumps into his arms. Yeah, that’s all. Next.
12)Renee comes out of the limo wearing my homecoming dress from 1993. Damn girl, I thought that was still in my closet.
13)Cristy from florida, has a big smile. That will surely change after one conversation with Mr. Personality himself.
14)Jackie who looks exactly like the girl from Glee. Oh and she sings too! It is you. Time for a duet? ...On the Wings of Love...Pinky swear you won’t be the last girl standing. Do it for all of America.
15)Sara P. makes him get down on his knee. Yup, it’s confirmed. He didn’t like it and is never going down on anyone again.
16)Lacey. She wore a purple dress. Hmm, that’s all I remember. Hey Lacey that’s a compliment.
17)Lauren looks sweet but there’s something about her eyes...just can’t place it yet...
18)Lisa P.thank you for coming. We know it was a long drive from Vegas and all. Where did you park your trailer?
19)Shawntel tip toes around trying not to slip and fall. She doesn’t want to break her neck and die since she knows what “they” do with the dead. Roger,10-4, please set this doooozy up with Kirk’s dad STAT! Wondering if anyone caught Brad say, you can make anyone look good? Oh Bradfordson, you have no idea. Should have seen what she did with MJ, he was as black as his monkey when she was done fluffing him.
20)Next up we have a mime. I give her an 8.5 for originality and a 4.5 for that horrible “updo”. Why is Kirk’s family back in the picture? His mom was your stylist, wasn’t she?
21)Poor Stacey from Boston doesn’t know anything about him (shaking head...kids these days...)
22)Hi, “I’m Jill, I’m ready to get married” Wow, why didn’t you just have the mime carry out your eggs on a silver platter while you’re at it?
23)Lisa M. from Kansas and her Dorothy slippers. Cute and original. Memorable. Or was it her African American spray tan? Well it’s not her fault, she is from Kansas. How are they really supposed to know what fake LA girls look like? Do they even get US Weekly there?
24)Rebecca the esthetician. Props to her nice skin! However I doubt Brad is concerned about that considering I’m about to skin him for my new leather purse.
25)J, not Jay but “J”. Sooo 2009. Anyway, it’s her birthday. Happy Quinceañera.
26)Kettle korn and her legs. Legs great, face, mmmm, not so much. Let’s hope personality makes up for it.
27)Sarah L. can’t snap and also can’t make small talk.zzzzzzzzz
28)Emily is clearly gorgeous and looks like a pageant queen. Thank you for taking time off from your duties as Rose Bowl Queen. We know it’s tough to smile and wave all day.
29)Britt had a tough act to follow, but she pulled through and fed the man. Smart woman. He’ll definitely keep you around matter what you look like. A man’s gotta eat, especially after he bangs all the other chics.
30)Last but not least, or maybe? Is Michelle, wasn't she one of the housewives of NYC?
And there you have it; our 30 lucky ladies who get to throw themselves on some guy that they don’t even know. Yay for trashy TV and a 2 hour distraction during the day.
Cocktail party: part therapy, part nervous twitch
The highlight of the night: Our very own Glee singer writes a love song and I do her a favor by filling in the end:
I came here today
To come to LA
Take me away…..
Because you’re probably now gay
Alli talks about her big ass, trying too hard to be one of the Kardashians. Keep trying.
Manscaped, batwings? Hmm sounds like something that would be a good match with Fangs. I finally see something promising here. Love is in the air...every time she takes a bite..
First impression rose:
The lucky lady is no other than Miss southern belle herself. Miss Ashley who pulls the “friend card” right out of his ass where she grabbed it. Good work Scarlett.
Final rose ceremony:
In an effort to save more of your precious moments that you've already lost from watching this show I will present to you the losers... in which case may very well be the winners if you ask me...but hey, who’s asking...
Bye bye Lauren. I’m sorry, you did look sweet, but you also looked like you could be in Avatar. Better luck next time. Go plug your tail into someone else’s flying thingy...he’s just not into that kinda thing. Fangs, yes. Computerish creatures, apparently not.
Adios to Brittney and the dead skunk/updo on her head.
And C'est la vie to some other girls that I don’t even remember and have no intention of remembering. Good luck, and see you back on the show in 10 years when you’re still looking for a bag of dried up nuts.
So what have we learned tonight?
Well, he’s a new man, was in therapy for 3 years, is looking for his wife...with possible fangs and/or dentures will do. Oh, of course he likes the fangs, he’s a scorpio…kinky kinky kinky. Come on Scorpios, don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Your secret is safe with me. Wink wink.
And in case you didn’t hear, he’s a new man. And thank god for that because America wasn't too fond of the old one. Does that mean your twin brother is the old you, too? Sucks to be him. Guess there’s always a rotten egg in the group.
Ps- nice touch with Seal and his comeback?...almost made me teary eyed, thank God I didn't see a rainbow - it’s too early in the season to be the crier.
One last note. He’s changed, let the manscaping begin...
Who is the biggest loser in the house? (Can we use the back of the paper if we run out of room Chris?)
“Can we quit bending over and blowing smoke up each others' asses?” Thank you Wes for amazing words. I swear you work for Hallmark.
Sorry about last week my dear dedicated fan(s?). Things are getting back to normal but don’t worry my blogs will be nothing of that sort.
In one corner we have Wes, in the other corner we have Dave. Together they make one great big jackass. Hmm I see a theme, interesting. Why am I talking about asses again?
Who knows, maybe it’s the characters…..not sure….
Oh wait, before we begin we’re gonna show Wes making out with himself in the Jacuzzi. Actually we’re going to show you about 5 different scenes of this because we need to fill up some time.
First competition: let the Special Olympics begin.
Now we’re playing Family Feud? How fitting. This is kind of an example of a typical dysfunctional American family huh? It kind of broke my heart that they didn’t all strike a pose in the beginning like they do on the show. How cool would that have been? Tenley so wanted to be on top of the pyramid.
Survey says….How many people think this show is a bust? Ding ding ding! We have a winner. Kidding, you’re all great. Really. Please don’t change. It helps my material.
So let’s see how quickly we can make everyone cry by reenacting a scene out of mean girls. Here’s a tissue Tenley, I know how you like to be ahead of the game.
On a side note, I’ve noticed that Melissa is really great with her hand gestures. If this gig doesn’t work out I think she’d make a great
a) Traffic Guard
b) Flight Attendant.
You go girl, you can do whatever you set your mind to. Even getting engaged 5 days after you were dumped. Rock on.
Here we go…
Who is going to win this competition?
Kiptyn
Who is your biggest enemy?
Wes meet Dave, Dave meet Wes.
Who is the most shallow?
Come on now, this game is getting too easy.
Elizabeth, can you use shallow in a sentence please?
“I don’t even know what that means.”
Wow…
Who is the dumbest?
Oh, I know, I know…..
Natalie, thank you for playing. Oh wait, Gwen? Where did you come from? I thought it was just that you were shy….I didn’t realize it was because you were “special”
Which person do most people in the house have a crush on?
Melissa? Probably, we all know guys want what they can’t have. Well since she doesn’t count, Dave thinks it’s Dave? How egocentric of you. Does that include the men too? You guys really need to get out, it’s almost as if you’re trapped in a house with a bunch of caged animals. Bingo!
Who will be a bridesmaid and never a bride? (low blow people…does this question come with complementary therapy sessions?)
Oh Natalie I’m sorry…but here’s a movie you can watch while you eat your bon bons. It’s called 27 dresses, have you heard of it?
Who is the biggest jerk in the group?
Jason Mesnick?? Does he still count? (that one’s for you Melissa)
Ok and for the clincher! Who has the worst boob job?
Ummm, it's a tie for sure.
Tori Spelling and Elizabeth.
What’s scary is the fact that there were enough people who fit this category that they could make a question for it…what has our world come to? Once again, reality TV killing our brain cells and injecting us with saline one boob at a time.
Hey Kovacs…how do you really feel about Elizabeth’s boobs? Psst, please tell me the doc so none of us go to him or her. Thx!
So after this fun little game of ‘you suck’ the women all go back into the house and cry. (Of course it’s the women the guys already forgot that they even played the game.) Well, really just 2 of the head beatches, Elizabeth and Natalie. (oh and Natalie, please fix your roots asap!) Can we say, what goes around, comes around? Look who is part of the “out” crowd now?
And while the tears are flowing (please be careful Elizabeth, wouldn’t want you to cry out all your silicone as well….actually that might not be a bad idea then you can get new and improved ones!) Anyway, while Elizabeth is hiding in the broom closet (awkward) and solving California's drought problem, Wes gives us another moment of clarity with his insightful sensitivity, “I have 25 sisters, (Wes, ex-girlfriends don’t count as sisters) I know how sentimental women can be. Riiiiiiight, that’s why you went on The Bachelorette with a girlfriend huh? Sure buddy. Now is not the time to find your inner Oprah, zip it..and your pants too.
Brief interlude:
We have an important lesson to learn among all this rubbish. Today’s lesson is, how a boy figures out when he really likes a girl. First clue, when your “girlfriend” is crying over her botched boob job and you feel some pain, regardless if it’s because you know how scary looking they are as well, then this my friends is real, lasting love. A bond that can never be broken….until of course a new pair of boobs walk into the room and he’s ready to test them out. Well at least you have a built in flotation device in case you end up in the middle of the ocean and can’t swim.
The Bobbsey twins “take a leap of faith”……on a zip line…..oh and with their cute little relationship too.
Tenley and Kiptyn, can we say a match made in Candyland heaven? Of course they arrive by helicopter to this magical, tropical oasis of an island called….Catalina. Really? Didn’t Ali and Roberto just go to Bora Bora? Looks like this so called recession thing that has hit the rest of the world has finally caught up with the reality world.
So Tenley and Kipper finally kiss and she gives him the rose…….ex-husband who? And now its time for the envelope to come out and for them to pretend like they have NO IDEA WHAT IN THE WORLD IT COULD SAY. (Great acting job, Days of Our Lives is looking to hire). Come on guys, I know you BOTH should remember the fantasy suite, wink wink.
I just thought of something, is it strange that Jillian was with Kiptyn and Jake…then Jake was with Tenley and probably with Kiptyn as well? Can we say family reunion in Arkansas next year?
Anyway, getting back to the show. Tenley tells us that she is SO excited to spend the whole night with Kiptyn in the fantasy suite. I bet you are, Little Miss Muffet. Are you gonna sit on his tuffet? (What the heck is a tuffet anyway? Oh great, now I sound like Elizabeth).
The “morning after”, oh that’s always awkard…I mean….so they say. Kiptyn has his “game face” on. Oh nice one Kipper, is that what they call it when a guy ignores you after you sleep with him. Good. To. Know.
Date #2: Peyton and Jesse.
(He basically gives her the rose before they even go on the date. Good strategy brain. At least get the girl to put out before you give up the goods. I so did not say that).
Aw cute, two country bumpkins, just like two pigs in a blanket. So after they are done pretending to be Amelia Earhart he does what any classy man would do:
1)Puts his finger up her nose. Hot.
2)Burps (while drinking a martini, how is that even possible?)
And just like that she’s over it…and the date pretty much follows.
Back at the house they are busy playing 7 minutes in heaven and Wes is pissed off because he says, “some people just want to party here, this is like my job, I take this very seriously”. Hmm, couple things:
1) Wes, I want to know what job is like being on the Bachelor Pad? And if you find it please tell me because I would like to apply.
2)What exactly would you like these D-list people to be doing all day besides partying? Chess? Mahjong? A little intellectual debate on Plessy vs. Ferguson? What the heck would I write about? I’m already pulling teeth here, work with me big boy. Sing a song or something.
Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony (finally, I already took two naps, cleaned my house, walked my dog and had time to clean my air ducts. Did I miss anything?)
Drama, drama, drama……wait, Ashley and Nikki are still here? I had no idea they were still in the game. I thought this was a show on the romance between Kovacs, Elizabeth, and her amazing implants.
Besides the fact that Gwen’s necklace could have fit around the neck of the Incredible Hulk, did anyone else notice her during the interviews? It looked like she was trying so hard to articulate her words and speak intelligently that she almost. Sounded. Like. She. was. Channeling. Chris. And. His. Fragments.
Who will stay? Who will go? Gwen or Krispy Kreme? Wes or Dave? Ohhhhhhhh, the suspense is killing me. I mean, literally killing me.
And the biggest losers are Kentucky Fried Chicken and the man that understands women in the same way Mr. Rogers does – Wes.
You’re lucky Gwen, looks like you won’t be rolling out in the short yellow bus as soon as we thought.
Final words? Oh this is fun, kinda like when you get voted off American Idol and you have to belt out a last tune while your voice is cracking like Peter Brady.
Well Wes, I guess we learned a thing or two; it’s not just love that don’t come easy, looks like it's back to playing guitar in Walmart for you. God Bless and don’t come back now ya’hear.
The “insiders” vs. the “outsiders”. Or do you prefer the dumb vs. the dumber?
Ohhh tricky Mr. Harrison. Starting off this evenings show with the ending of the last episode. Ooooh, I like it. I like it a lot. Switching things up. Like reverse psychology? Oh, I don’t want a rose….you take it….no, you take it….no you….OK! Siiiiiiiike. Who can you trust on this show, I’m so confused. Calgon take me away.
Where was I? Right, we were comparing the Bachelor Pad after dark to the Peach Pit after dark. Which one is Nat? I thought it was Kypton until I found out he was part of the “Insiders”. How rude. (Please go away Michelle Tanner) Since this seems to be the trend these days, do you guys turn into Vampires at night too? Just asking, all the cool kids are doing it….and I know how badly you all want to be kool. This show is making Mean Girls look like Mary Poppins. I think Snooki needs to make a guest appearance and show these people how to really fight.
Kovacs deep thoughts: “Being a couple is a better strategy than being alone.”
Oh sugar plum, I have a feeling that might bite you in the butt. As might your girlfriend. I mean “friend”, I mean….oh wait, you’re a couple now, right? I meant your wife. Yes, your wifey. (Puke) And that wasn’t even from the pies yet, wow we’re on a roll already.
Enter Melissa
Pie Eating Contest. Say what?
Yes, you heard it. We are forcing all you anorexics to eat. No. To stuff your faces and eat until you learn what it feels like to be full.
Bare with us, this will be a new experience for most.
The Rules:
No hands…or boobs allowed. Even if they are not “technically” yours. Foreign objects cannot be used as assistance.
What would be even better is if they had to jump into their bikinis after. I want to see real women with full bellies after a meal. Not these mannequins whose stomachs actually cave in. Maybe it’s just me, but I would have looked like the Octomom after eating like that.
“I don’t like it anymore.” Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Sorry, Tenley just had a temper tantrum. Super Nanny told me to give her a 5 minute time out.
Back to the girls pies.
Nom nom nom. Bucket please? Thank you ABC for bringing bulimia back one reality star at a time.
We have Gia and Tenely in the lead…Gia is coming from around the back…surprising us all. Where does she put it? Must have emptied out the silicone and storing it in her boobs. Good game plan. But look out, Tenley is following right behind. They are neck to neck. And Gia wins by a boob!
Now it’s the men’s turn. To show how macho they really are? When does eating a pie (stop thinking that!) equate to manliness? Is this a joke? Yes. Ok here’s the punch line. When the Weatherman wins. Wait I don’t get it. Either do I…
Oh, I have an idea, in the meantime let’s not wash our faces and interview a bunch of the contestants with pie all over it. It adds to the intensity of the competition. Who thought of this one again? This was the best you could do? Next week, tune in for potato (or is it potatoe? That’s what Bush told me and he’s wicked smart) sack races and then it’s team bonding time where one of you free falls backwards and we all “catch” you. Come on… you can trust us…I told you I’m not going to vote you off…you totally have my word. Now fall. Oops, sorry I thought you would have bounced back like a cat. Meow.
Weatherman is pumped up and ready to go, he’s determined to win. It’s his one chance to regain all his self esteem that went out the window before, during, and after Ali’s season.
Little do the men realize that it’s always the skinny ones that win. Just think of the hot dog eating contests, all the huge guys are crying like babies and it’s the little Asian dude that they crap out who goes in for the win.
But Weatherman Kobayashi, before you get all excited, where are you going to put all the pie? Oh, just put it in your package. We know there’s room in there. Hey, you’re the one that told us. I’m just a messenger from God.
And they’re off. Kovacs is fired up, he wants a rose. As does Craig (M) so he sticks his head in it?? Well, I guess if this gig doesn’t work out for you, you can always start a line of hair gel in the future. Although we know your secret ingredient and it’s definitely not Something About Mary.
Wow, there’s weatherman eating it like his life depends on it. (it does). Wes is pulling from behind; and being rooted on by Gia?? (I don’t like where this is going…tbc…) But thankfully, Weatherman channeled his little inner Asian man for the win. And he’s so excited he has to eat more pie and takes a bite out of someone else’s. That was just strange. But then again, look what we’re watching.
What we learned - Weatherman is good at eating pie.
For once, I have no comment.
Just once, don’t get used to it.
Dream date: 3 ladies and a Weatherman.
Gwen, Peyton, and Ashley.
Weatherman, why did you bring your mom on the date? It’s time to cut the cord.
It was actually really funny to watch Weatherman act as if he was the Bachelor. He was loving life. Good for him. He deserves a night where everyone is not making fun of him. See I root for the underdog too. I’m JUST like Gia. We’re twins, can’t tell us apart. Yup. People keep stopping me in the streets thinking I’m Gia. It’s a rough life, but someone’s gotta do it. I’m always here to help.
Date strategy: Break up the “powerhouse” and bring them down. Oh please, this is The Bachelor Pad, not the Third Reich.
One on one with Gwen.
Weatherman: Gwen I have something for you.
Gwen: Oh really? What can it be?!?!?!
Weatherman: Let me put it behind my back and pretend like you have NO idea what I’m going to give you.
Gwen: And let me cross my fingers behind my back in the hopes that I don’t have to kiss you after.
Phew, all systems ago. We are clear. Breathing can resume as normal.
Weatherman must have felt great watching the show last night. Hearing his mom say that it would NEVER happen between them. And we wonder why the poor guy has no game. He gets shot down all the time. Good thing you two aren’t gonna run into each other in Positano, Italy….oops. Ciao bella.
And now for date number 2, because the first date was just. So. Anticlimactic.
Zzzzzzzzzzzz
Gia (who has a boyfriend) and her 3 men (who are not her boyfriends but would give their entire to soul to be one just for one night).
Craig M. (How did the most hated man on earth begin to rule the island?)
Wes
Jesse B
Loved how she tricked all of them by putting Jesse’s name in the bowl. Too funny, you’re really using your brains now. Welcome, glad you could join us. PS- hope you had a shredder close by. Costco has some great ones on sale.
Gia’s game plan: Making the game fair. (She must be a Libra).
This date is dedicated to the men (man) before us who have sacrificed their (his) hands for real love. To the men (man) who guard and protect – we dedicate this to you Kasey. We too are going to draw hearts on our arms. You are not alone Kasey, you are not alone. Oh wait, ours will wash off in about a week. Guess you’re the only jackass stuck with perma-hearts on his wrist. I bet though, that if you stare at it long enough it will start to change shapes, like those cool posters in the 90’s. (Did I just say in the 90’s? I think that was a first).
Break time
Elizabeth and Kovacs planning their mission to mars. Yes, good to plan when you are slurring your words. Perfect.
Elizabeth: I’m a dumb smart girl.
Wow, I couldn’t have said it better myself. Actually, not true, I would have left out the word smart.
Kovacs: I can’t just let her run loose.
Big boy, is she your donkey or something? When did you become a zookeeper? I thought you were a winemaker?
Back to the date.
Not much happening except Wes trying to pretend like he’s a good guy. Oh Wes, we’ve seen this act before when you were on the Bachelorette WITH a girlfriend. And why should we believe you now? Where’s your guitar? Why aren’t you singing to us? You always bust it out when you’re trying to brainwash. At least be consistent, give us a 1% chance to fall for it.
Everything was fine on the date until Gia got drunk and started falling for Wes’ bullshiznat. Great Gia, you just messed up the strategy. Note to self; never put her on my battleship team.
So with Gia blinded by love and alcohol, she gives the rose to Wes (barf…clearly there were still traces of pie in my throat).
So what’s been going on back at the house?
Just the usual, Elizabeth and Kovacs making out in the hot tub. Normal for a show of this caliber. Then they decide to take it up a notch by moving into the shower. Normal once again…if you’re making a porn. But aren’t your parents watching? Gross.
What else is new at the Playboy Mansion?
Just Dave and Jessie S. in the hot tub.
David: I have a lot of pull…you just have to sleep with me.
Jessie: OK! I’m in it to win it! Have you seen my new twins?
Rose Ceremony
Wow Chris, were you getting dressed while you were watching Dating in the Dark? Kinda took it too literally my friend. Purple tie and plaid shirt…interesting. I like though how you are trying to show your personality. Good boy. I knew it was in there somewhere.
Again, poor little Miss Sunshine. Elizabeth tries to throw Tenley under the bus. Way to go for the timid girl Lizzie. You knew she wouldn’t fight back with you so you went in for the kill just like Michelle did with her. Can everyone just Leave Tenley alone? She just wants to run in a field of daisies with Kypton. Let them play little house on the prairie will ya? Maybe Tenley needs a body guard. This would be a perfect opportunity to bring our beloved Kasey back to guard and protect. Kasey if you’re reading this, you should for sure get a trademark on that phrase just like Paris did hers. Yes, you guys definitely made that stuff up. I don’t know where Urban Dictionary would be without people like you.
So question….if Tenley and Kypton were updating their statuses on Facebook, would they change it say “In a relationship…and it’s complicated?”
I just want to know where we all stand.
Natalie, can you please return your tutu to Bjork. She’s looking for it.
So who’s getting voted off? All this scheming, lying, and strategizing its making me exhausted. I can’t keep up. They are taking this way too seriously and now I’m hiding under my blanket after Lizzie told me if you “deceive the trust of your own….you’re next” (btw: the fireplace behind here really added to the drama of the moment too). Ok, I’m now officially scared of her. She swallowed the devil and speaking in tongue. Kasey, where are you when I need you? Get out of the trademark line and guard and protect.
Great, now the only voice of reason is about to go. Kypton, try not to stress too much honey; we don’t want you to lose anymore hair. Yup, just like I told you guys. Nikki is following her heart and she’s messing up the entire game. How dare you put a decent girl with morals on the show? What were you thinking?
And now it’s time to bid farewell to the real outsiders. As in don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Sorry but no roses for our very own modern day Bonnie and Clyde. Craig (M) and Jessie S, weren’t you guys partners in crime? What happened? I swear just the other day you guys were dancing around at your own concert, watching everyone grovel and bow to you like you were the Jonas Brothers (sans purity rings and instead condoms as gloves).
Well, that will teach you. You can’t outsmart the dumb smart girl. She was onto you the whole time. Bye bye Jessie S. I know how hard you tried to find your inner Leo and show us how assertive you could be since you never talked on Jake’s season…but it didn’t work for you. Sorry. Oh no, how are you gonna pay for your boobs now? I have an idea…welcome to McDonalds may I take your order?
“I don’t know where Dave and I stand now” LOL, that’s all I have to say about that. It must be the alcohol talking. When you watch this yourself I hope you can see that you two didn’t actually have a relationship. Unless of course you want it to be based on lies and scheming and in that case, since Heidi and Spencer broke up we are looking for new assholes to fill their shoes. Please contact HR and submit an application if interested.
Hmmm, for “some” reason they are all surprised with the results. What? The Shock and Awe campaign went wrong? How could someone have possibly lied to them? Couldn’t be the insiders. They sealed their deal with a séance. Had to have been the Outsiders. Can we get a revote? It must have been Florida’s fault.
Well kids, we’ve been through a lot this week. From eating disorders, to strategizing like they're the Ottoman Empire, to my attempt at trying to make this show funnier than it actually is - I’m simply famished. I need a pie.
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