Who is the biggest loser in the house? (Can we use the back of the paper if we run out of room Chris?)
“Can we quit bending over and blowing smoke up each others' asses?” Thank you Wes for amazing words. I swear you work for Hallmark.
Sorry about last week my dear dedicated fan(s?). Things are getting back to normal but don’t worry my blogs will be nothing of that sort.
In one corner we have Wes, in the other corner we have Dave. Together they make one great big jackass. Hmm I see a theme, interesting. Why am I talking about asses again?
Who knows, maybe it’s the characters…..not sure….
Oh wait, before we begin we’re gonna show Wes making out with himself in the Jacuzzi. Actually we’re going to show you about 5 different scenes of this because we need to fill up some time.
First competition: let the Special Olympics begin.
Now we’re playing Family Feud? How fitting. This is kind of an example of a typical dysfunctional American family huh? It kind of broke my heart that they didn’t all strike a pose in the beginning like they do on the show. How cool would that have been? Tenley so wanted to be on top of the pyramid.
Survey says….How many people think this show is a bust? Ding ding ding! We have a winner. Kidding, you’re all great. Really. Please don’t change. It helps my material.
So let’s see how quickly we can make everyone cry by reenacting a scene out of mean girls. Here’s a tissue Tenley, I know how you like to be ahead of the game.
On a side note, I’ve noticed that Melissa is really great with her hand gestures. If this gig doesn’t work out I think she’d make a great
a) Traffic Guard
b) Flight Attendant.
You go girl, you can do whatever you set your mind to. Even getting engaged 5 days after you were dumped. Rock on.
Here we go…
Who is going to win this competition?
Kiptyn
Who is your biggest enemy?
Wes meet Dave, Dave meet Wes.
Who is the most shallow?
Come on now, this game is getting too easy.
Elizabeth, can you use shallow in a sentence please?
“I don’t even know what that means.”
Wow…
Who is the dumbest?
Oh, I know, I know…..
Natalie, thank you for playing. Oh wait, Gwen? Where did you come from? I thought it was just that you were shy….I didn’t realize it was because you were “special”
Which person do most people in the house have a crush on?
Melissa? Probably, we all know guys want what they can’t have. Well since she doesn’t count, Dave thinks it’s Dave? How egocentric of you. Does that include the men too? You guys really need to get out, it’s almost as if you’re trapped in a house with a bunch of caged animals. Bingo!
Who will be a bridesmaid and never a bride? (low blow people…does this question come with complementary therapy sessions?)
Oh Natalie I’m sorry…but here’s a movie you can watch while you eat your bon bons. It’s called 27 dresses, have you heard of it?
Who is the biggest jerk in the group?
Jason Mesnick?? Does he still count? (that one’s for you Melissa)
Ok and for the clincher! Who has the worst boob job?
Ummm, it's a tie for sure.
Tori Spelling and Elizabeth.
What’s scary is the fact that there were enough people who fit this category that they could make a question for it…what has our world come to? Once again, reality TV killing our brain cells and injecting us with saline one boob at a time.
Hey Kovacs…how do you really feel about Elizabeth’s boobs? Psst, please tell me the doc so none of us go to him or her. Thx!
So after this fun little game of ‘you suck’ the women all go back into the house and cry. (Of course it’s the women the guys already forgot that they even played the game.) Well, really just 2 of the head beatches, Elizabeth and Natalie. (oh and Natalie, please fix your roots asap!) Can we say, what goes around, comes around? Look who is part of the “out” crowd now?
And while the tears are flowing (please be careful Elizabeth, wouldn’t want you to cry out all your silicone as well….actually that might not be a bad idea then you can get new and improved ones!) Anyway, while Elizabeth is hiding in the broom closet (awkward) and solving California's drought problem, Wes gives us another moment of clarity with his insightful sensitivity, “I have 25 sisters, (Wes, ex-girlfriends don’t count as sisters) I know how sentimental women can be. Riiiiiiight, that’s why you went on The Bachelorette with a girlfriend huh? Sure buddy. Now is not the time to find your inner Oprah, zip it..and your pants too.
Brief interlude:
We have an important lesson to learn among all this rubbish. Today’s lesson is, how a boy figures out when he really likes a girl. First clue, when your “girlfriend” is crying over her botched boob job and you feel some pain, regardless if it’s because you know how scary looking they are as well, then this my friends is real, lasting love. A bond that can never be broken….until of course a new pair of boobs walk into the room and he’s ready to test them out. Well at least you have a built in flotation device in case you end up in the middle of the ocean and can’t swim.
The Bobbsey twins “take a leap of faith”……on a zip line…..oh and with their cute little relationship too.
Tenley and Kiptyn, can we say a match made in Candyland heaven? Of course they arrive by helicopter to this magical, tropical oasis of an island called….Catalina. Really? Didn’t Ali and Roberto just go to Bora Bora? Looks like this so called recession thing that has hit the rest of the world has finally caught up with the reality world.
So Tenley and Kipper finally kiss and she gives him the rose…….ex-husband who? And now its time for the envelope to come out and for them to pretend like they have NO IDEA WHAT IN THE WORLD IT COULD SAY. (Great acting job, Days of Our Lives is looking to hire). Come on guys, I know you BOTH should remember the fantasy suite, wink wink.
I just thought of something, is it strange that Jillian was with Kiptyn and Jake…then Jake was with Tenley and probably with Kiptyn as well? Can we say family reunion in Arkansas next year?
Anyway, getting back to the show. Tenley tells us that she is SO excited to spend the whole night with Kiptyn in the fantasy suite. I bet you are, Little Miss Muffet. Are you gonna sit on his tuffet? (What the heck is a tuffet anyway? Oh great, now I sound like Elizabeth).
The “morning after”, oh that’s always awkard…I mean….so they say. Kiptyn has his “game face” on. Oh nice one Kipper, is that what they call it when a guy ignores you after you sleep with him. Good. To. Know.
Date #2: Peyton and Jesse.
(He basically gives her the rose before they even go on the date. Good strategy brain. At least get the girl to put out before you give up the goods. I so did not say that).
Aw cute, two country bumpkins, just like two pigs in a blanket. So after they are done pretending to be Amelia Earhart he does what any classy man would do:
1)Puts his finger up her nose. Hot.
2)Burps (while drinking a martini, how is that even possible?)
And just like that she’s over it…and the date pretty much follows.
Back at the house they are busy playing 7 minutes in heaven and Wes is pissed off because he says, “some people just want to party here, this is like my job, I take this very seriously”. Hmm, couple things:
1) Wes, I want to know what job is like being on the Bachelor Pad? And if you find it please tell me because I would like to apply.
2)What exactly would you like these D-list people to be doing all day besides partying? Chess? Mahjong? A little intellectual debate on Plessy vs. Ferguson? What the heck would I write about? I’m already pulling teeth here, work with me big boy. Sing a song or something.
Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony (finally, I already took two naps, cleaned my house, walked my dog and had time to clean my air ducts. Did I miss anything?)
Drama, drama, drama……wait, Ashley and Nikki are still here? I had no idea they were still in the game. I thought this was a show on the romance between Kovacs, Elizabeth, and her amazing implants.
Besides the fact that Gwen’s necklace could have fit around the neck of the Incredible Hulk, did anyone else notice her during the interviews? It looked like she was trying so hard to articulate her words and speak intelligently that she almost. Sounded. Like. She. was. Channeling. Chris. And. His. Fragments.
Who will stay? Who will go? Gwen or Krispy Kreme? Wes or Dave? Ohhhhhhhh, the suspense is killing me. I mean, literally killing me.
And the biggest losers are Kentucky Fried Chicken and the man that understands women in the same way Mr. Rogers does – Wes.
You’re lucky Gwen, looks like you won’t be rolling out in the short yellow bus as soon as we thought.
Final words? Oh this is fun, kinda like when you get voted off American Idol and you have to belt out a last tune while your voice is cracking like Peter Brady.
Well Wes, I guess we learned a thing or two; it’s not just love that don’t come easy, looks like it's back to playing guitar in Walmart for you. God Bless and don’t come back now ya’hear.
The “insiders” vs. the “outsiders”. Or do you prefer the dumb vs. the dumber?
Ohhh tricky Mr. Harrison. Starting off this evenings show with the ending of the last episode. Ooooh, I like it. I like it a lot. Switching things up. Like reverse psychology? Oh, I don’t want a rose….you take it….no, you take it….no you….OK! Siiiiiiiike. Who can you trust on this show, I’m so confused. Calgon take me away.
Where was I? Right, we were comparing the Bachelor Pad after dark to the Peach Pit after dark. Which one is Nat? I thought it was Kypton until I found out he was part of the “Insiders”. How rude. (Please go away Michelle Tanner) Since this seems to be the trend these days, do you guys turn into Vampires at night too? Just asking, all the cool kids are doing it….and I know how badly you all want to be kool. This show is making Mean Girls look like Mary Poppins. I think Snooki needs to make a guest appearance and show these people how to really fight.
Kovacs deep thoughts: “Being a couple is a better strategy than being alone.”
Oh sugar plum, I have a feeling that might bite you in the butt. As might your girlfriend. I mean “friend”, I mean….oh wait, you’re a couple now, right? I meant your wife. Yes, your wifey. (Puke) And that wasn’t even from the pies yet, wow we’re on a roll already.
Enter Melissa
Pie Eating Contest. Say what?
Yes, you heard it. We are forcing all you anorexics to eat. No. To stuff your faces and eat until you learn what it feels like to be full.
Bare with us, this will be a new experience for most.
The Rules:
No hands…or boobs allowed. Even if they are not “technically” yours. Foreign objects cannot be used as assistance.
What would be even better is if they had to jump into their bikinis after. I want to see real women with full bellies after a meal. Not these mannequins whose stomachs actually cave in. Maybe it’s just me, but I would have looked like the Octomom after eating like that.
“I don’t like it anymore.” Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Sorry, Tenley just had a temper tantrum. Super Nanny told me to give her a 5 minute time out.
Back to the girls pies.
Nom nom nom. Bucket please? Thank you ABC for bringing bulimia back one reality star at a time.
We have Gia and Tenely in the lead…Gia is coming from around the back…surprising us all. Where does she put it? Must have emptied out the silicone and storing it in her boobs. Good game plan. But look out, Tenley is following right behind. They are neck to neck. And Gia wins by a boob!
Now it’s the men’s turn. To show how macho they really are? When does eating a pie (stop thinking that!) equate to manliness? Is this a joke? Yes. Ok here’s the punch line. When the Weatherman wins. Wait I don’t get it. Either do I…
Oh, I have an idea, in the meantime let’s not wash our faces and interview a bunch of the contestants with pie all over it. It adds to the intensity of the competition. Who thought of this one again? This was the best you could do? Next week, tune in for potato (or is it potatoe? That’s what Bush told me and he’s wicked smart) sack races and then it’s team bonding time where one of you free falls backwards and we all “catch” you. Come on… you can trust us…I told you I’m not going to vote you off…you totally have my word. Now fall. Oops, sorry I thought you would have bounced back like a cat. Meow.
Weatherman is pumped up and ready to go, he’s determined to win. It’s his one chance to regain all his self esteem that went out the window before, during, and after Ali’s season.
Little do the men realize that it’s always the skinny ones that win. Just think of the hot dog eating contests, all the huge guys are crying like babies and it’s the little Asian dude that they crap out who goes in for the win.
But Weatherman Kobayashi, before you get all excited, where are you going to put all the pie? Oh, just put it in your package. We know there’s room in there. Hey, you’re the one that told us. I’m just a messenger from God.
And they’re off. Kovacs is fired up, he wants a rose. As does Craig (M) so he sticks his head in it?? Well, I guess if this gig doesn’t work out for you, you can always start a line of hair gel in the future. Although we know your secret ingredient and it’s definitely not Something About Mary.
Wow, there’s weatherman eating it like his life depends on it. (it does). Wes is pulling from behind; and being rooted on by Gia?? (I don’t like where this is going…tbc…) But thankfully, Weatherman channeled his little inner Asian man for the win. And he’s so excited he has to eat more pie and takes a bite out of someone else’s. That was just strange. But then again, look what we’re watching.
What we learned - Weatherman is good at eating pie.
For once, I have no comment.
Just once, don’t get used to it.
Dream date: 3 ladies and a Weatherman.
Gwen, Peyton, and Ashley.
Weatherman, why did you bring your mom on the date? It’s time to cut the cord.
It was actually really funny to watch Weatherman act as if he was the Bachelor. He was loving life. Good for him. He deserves a night where everyone is not making fun of him. See I root for the underdog too. I’m JUST like Gia. We’re twins, can’t tell us apart. Yup. People keep stopping me in the streets thinking I’m Gia. It’s a rough life, but someone’s gotta do it. I’m always here to help.
Date strategy: Break up the “powerhouse” and bring them down. Oh please, this is The Bachelor Pad, not the Third Reich.
One on one with Gwen.
Weatherman: Gwen I have something for you.
Gwen: Oh really? What can it be?!?!?!
Weatherman: Let me put it behind my back and pretend like you have NO idea what I’m going to give you.
Gwen: And let me cross my fingers behind my back in the hopes that I don’t have to kiss you after.
Phew, all systems ago. We are clear. Breathing can resume as normal.
Weatherman must have felt great watching the show last night. Hearing his mom say that it would NEVER happen between them. And we wonder why the poor guy has no game. He gets shot down all the time. Good thing you two aren’t gonna run into each other in Positano, Italy….oops. Ciao bella.
And now for date number 2, because the first date was just. So. Anticlimactic.
Zzzzzzzzzzzz
Gia (who has a boyfriend) and her 3 men (who are not her boyfriends but would give their entire to soul to be one just for one night).
Craig M. (How did the most hated man on earth begin to rule the island?)
Wes
Jesse B
Loved how she tricked all of them by putting Jesse’s name in the bowl. Too funny, you’re really using your brains now. Welcome, glad you could join us. PS- hope you had a shredder close by. Costco has some great ones on sale.
Gia’s game plan: Making the game fair. (She must be a Libra).
This date is dedicated to the men (man) before us who have sacrificed their (his) hands for real love. To the men (man) who guard and protect – we dedicate this to you Kasey. We too are going to draw hearts on our arms. You are not alone Kasey, you are not alone. Oh wait, ours will wash off in about a week. Guess you’re the only jackass stuck with perma-hearts on his wrist. I bet though, that if you stare at it long enough it will start to change shapes, like those cool posters in the 90’s. (Did I just say in the 90’s? I think that was a first).
Break time
Elizabeth and Kovacs planning their mission to mars. Yes, good to plan when you are slurring your words. Perfect.
Elizabeth: I’m a dumb smart girl.
Wow, I couldn’t have said it better myself. Actually, not true, I would have left out the word smart.
Kovacs: I can’t just let her run loose.
Big boy, is she your donkey or something? When did you become a zookeeper? I thought you were a winemaker?
Back to the date.
Not much happening except Wes trying to pretend like he’s a good guy. Oh Wes, we’ve seen this act before when you were on the Bachelorette WITH a girlfriend. And why should we believe you now? Where’s your guitar? Why aren’t you singing to us? You always bust it out when you’re trying to brainwash. At least be consistent, give us a 1% chance to fall for it.
Everything was fine on the date until Gia got drunk and started falling for Wes’ bullshiznat. Great Gia, you just messed up the strategy. Note to self; never put her on my battleship team.
So with Gia blinded by love and alcohol, she gives the rose to Wes (barf…clearly there were still traces of pie in my throat).
So what’s been going on back at the house?
Just the usual, Elizabeth and Kovacs making out in the hot tub. Normal for a show of this caliber. Then they decide to take it up a notch by moving into the shower. Normal once again…if you’re making a porn. But aren’t your parents watching? Gross.
What else is new at the Playboy Mansion?
Just Dave and Jessie S. in the hot tub.
David: I have a lot of pull…you just have to sleep with me.
Jessie: OK! I’m in it to win it! Have you seen my new twins?
Rose Ceremony
Wow Chris, were you getting dressed while you were watching Dating in the Dark? Kinda took it too literally my friend. Purple tie and plaid shirt…interesting. I like though how you are trying to show your personality. Good boy. I knew it was in there somewhere.
Again, poor little Miss Sunshine. Elizabeth tries to throw Tenley under the bus. Way to go for the timid girl Lizzie. You knew she wouldn’t fight back with you so you went in for the kill just like Michelle did with her. Can everyone just Leave Tenley alone? She just wants to run in a field of daisies with Kypton. Let them play little house on the prairie will ya? Maybe Tenley needs a body guard. This would be a perfect opportunity to bring our beloved Kasey back to guard and protect. Kasey if you’re reading this, you should for sure get a trademark on that phrase just like Paris did hers. Yes, you guys definitely made that stuff up. I don’t know where Urban Dictionary would be without people like you.
So question….if Tenley and Kypton were updating their statuses on Facebook, would they change it say “In a relationship…and it’s complicated?”
I just want to know where we all stand.
Natalie, can you please return your tutu to Bjork. She’s looking for it.
So who’s getting voted off? All this scheming, lying, and strategizing its making me exhausted. I can’t keep up. They are taking this way too seriously and now I’m hiding under my blanket after Lizzie told me if you “deceive the trust of your own….you’re next” (btw: the fireplace behind here really added to the drama of the moment too). Ok, I’m now officially scared of her. She swallowed the devil and speaking in tongue. Kasey, where are you when I need you? Get out of the trademark line and guard and protect.
Great, now the only voice of reason is about to go. Kypton, try not to stress too much honey; we don’t want you to lose anymore hair. Yup, just like I told you guys. Nikki is following her heart and she’s messing up the entire game. How dare you put a decent girl with morals on the show? What were you thinking?
And now it’s time to bid farewell to the real outsiders. As in don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Sorry but no roses for our very own modern day Bonnie and Clyde. Craig (M) and Jessie S, weren’t you guys partners in crime? What happened? I swear just the other day you guys were dancing around at your own concert, watching everyone grovel and bow to you like you were the Jonas Brothers (sans purity rings and instead condoms as gloves).
Well, that will teach you. You can’t outsmart the dumb smart girl. She was onto you the whole time. Bye bye Jessie S. I know how hard you tried to find your inner Leo and show us how assertive you could be since you never talked on Jake’s season…but it didn’t work for you. Sorry. Oh no, how are you gonna pay for your boobs now? I have an idea…welcome to McDonalds may I take your order?
“I don’t know where Dave and I stand now” LOL, that’s all I have to say about that. It must be the alcohol talking. When you watch this yourself I hope you can see that you two didn’t actually have a relationship. Unless of course you want it to be based on lies and scheming and in that case, since Heidi and Spencer broke up we are looking for new assholes to fill their shoes. Please contact HR and submit an application if interested.
Hmmm, for “some” reason they are all surprised with the results. What? The Shock and Awe campaign went wrong? How could someone have possibly lied to them? Couldn’t be the insiders. They sealed their deal with a séance. Had to have been the Outsiders. Can we get a revote? It must have been Florida’s fault.
Well kids, we’ve been through a lot this week. From eating disorders, to strategizing like they're the Ottoman Empire, to my attempt at trying to make this show funnier than it actually is - I’m simply famished. I need a pie.
Love don't come easy. Unless you're on The Bachelor Pad and in that case - it's easy like Sunday Morning.
Sorry for the late blog posting, I had to finish reading War and Peace. After the show I automatically lost over half my brain cells so it was my quick attempt to regain them - hoping for a speedy recovery.
On Monday night I was invited to a Bachelor Pad premiere party hosted by no other than the lovely ‘couple’, Jesse and Elizabeth. (Thank you Lisa and Summer).
Couple thoughts on this:
1)Jesse is actually hotter in person. Not that he was at all bad on the show but he was delish in live HD.
2)His wine is surprisingly amazing. And trust me, I consider myself a self-made wine connoisseur. (is that what they call an alchy these days?) In any case, it was good.
3)Very strange to watch the show with them in the same room. I’ll talk more on this later.
4)Natalie made an appearance at the party as well. And the good news is she’s exactly how she is on TV. The bad news is she’s exactly how she is on TV. Joking…she was sweet and also even prettier in person. Is it something in the water? I’ll have whatever their drinking please.
5)Apparently TV REALLY does make you look 10-20 pounds heavier. This is especially scary when you already look skinny on TV. This leads me to Elizabeth who was very sweet, friendly and beautiful but, for the love of God I just wanted to feed her. Hey, at least I got an anatomy lesson out of it. I now know how your hip bone is connected to your thigh bone and so on…. (Kovacs, please feed your lady friend and maybe ease up on the wine. It may help the crying?? Sincerely, a concerned blogger).
Overall night was great. Fun experience and good vino. I told Jesse that I would put a link to his website on my blog so here it is:
Kovacs Brothers Wine
(ok, let’s be real, do we even think he remembers talking to me? Umm, no. But I told him I would do it and I’m the kind of girl that stands by her man. Wink wink. Call me. Let’s do lunch). Just kidding Elizabeth, please don’t put a spell on me. I just try to be funny every once in a while…maybe I went a little overboard this time…step away from the voodoo doll. Please? With a cherry on top. (Only 5 calories, you can do it).
btw: His brother just shaved his head and donated all his hair to locks of love. So cool!
Alright let’s get down to business. Let the games begin…
Chris Harrison (God and narrator) welcomes us in his California casual look. Sporting jeans and a blazer, he suavely strolls outside the mansion (he must be taking lessons from Roberto) and tells us…..wait for it.
There are two kinds of people.
Oh???
Those who find love on the Bachelor/Bachelorette
And ….everyone else.
So Chris, you’re saying I’m just like everyone else? Great. And here I hoped I looked like Gia.
Moving on.
Please welcome our most “memorable” contestants. (Feel free to exchange this word with the phrase, most desperately seeking attention, as freely as possible).
Oh, oh, oh. Chris, guess what? I have a good one too. There are two kinds of blogs…One that just gives you a recap and another that tells the truth whole and nothing but the truth. (psst, that would be mine). Hold on tight, this is going to be fun.
Send in the animals….
1)Cartwheels and toe touches right out of the limo. Who else could it be but the beautiful, bubbly, and vivacious Rainbow Bright. Tenley, tell us again, did your husband cheat on you because I don’t remember you saying that? JK Tenler, you’re great! Keep on being yourself and don’t let these monkeys change you.
2)Next up Jesse B, the construction guy, who floored us (no pun intended) with his articulate vocabulary.
3)Perfect timing for Natalie (sans Teddy Bear) to enter.
4)Then there’s David who hopefully used his time off to attend anger management classes. If not, someone for sure is gonna get knocked up. I mean knocked out.
5)Welcome Gwen and her question marks?? Wait. Hold up sista sista!? You’re still single? It’s been at least 100 years hasn’t it? I could have sworn season 2 was filmed in 1983. Oh well, in any case welcome Martha Stewart I’m sure we’ll need a house mom to patrol these inmates.
6)Jessie S. and her new fake boobies join us next. So glad you all can make it.
7)Followed by no other than our favorite Weatherman. (Note: love how they didn’t even bother to call him Jonathan. Simply Weatherman, kinda like Cher or Madonna). The good news is everyone will be appropriately dressed each day for the weather. String bikini or string bikini? What would we do without you?
8)Enter Nikki. She must be related to the Kardashians. Can I get a whoop whoop for great hair. Hey girlfriend, are you using Herbal Essence and are those commercials really true? Hmm, let’s see…one of the first things out of her mouth, “I do not want to see Juan.”
9)Speak of the devil. Juan, welcome to the Bachelor Pad, have you seen Nikki? She wants to say hi. BTW, you’re 37, time to get another gig. Are we gonna have to serve you dinner at 4:00pm just like the other snow birds?
10)And just when we didn’t think it could get any better, Wes pulls up with his deep thoughts for the day, “love don’t come easy.” No shit Wes. Looks like we might be on the same page after all. How did that happen?
11)Krispy Kreme or as she also likes to be called Krisily , joins us next.
12)Elizabeth and her natural highlights make the next appearance.
13)Followed by her lover and wine maker Jesse Kovacs. (This was so not planned, I don’t believe it one bit…you silly producers you).
14)Finally a voice of reason. Kiptyn waddles out of the limo.
15)And because he lacked a certain level of energy they quickly followed with Ashley (also fab hair) who does a triple back flip landing in a roundoff backwards summer salt right out of the limo. (Can we please put Tenley and her together in a room with a couple red bulls and see what happens? Come on, it will be fun…like watching 2 Teletubbies on So You Think You Can Dance).
16)Next up Peyton. And in the words of the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland…Whooooo arrrrrrreeee youuuuuu??
Code red! We just had a convict escape from prison. Please keep all men inside the house.
17)Oh Michelle, I didn’t see you there, so glad you can join us.
18)Thank god for plastic surgery, I mean Gia. Yay, we really do like Gia, she’s a sweet girl with a good heart and a ridic body. Well, I mean I would hope so considering she handpicked each piece herself. It’s like ordering out of a catalog. I would like Angelina Jolie’s lips, Jennifer Aniston’s legs, and so on. Hmmm, all I can think about is Weird Science…
19)And last but definitely least. We have Craig M. (is there another Craig? Why are we calling him Craig M?) and his ridiculous hair. Dude you gotta get that under control, looks like the Weatherman just put you through you a wind storm. Ok that was lame. Let’s move on.
If love is the game, these are the rules…
1)Each of you has a chance to find love and a shot at $250,000. Or is it…each of you has a chance at $250,000 and a shot in hell to find love on this reality show?
Just wondering.
2)There are more women than men but that will change at some point soon. (What Chris meant to say was, for safety reasons we weren’t allowed to endanger any more men than we already have by putting them under the same roof with all these women. This will soon turn into a game of Hungry Hippo where only the strong will prevail, and the weak will be eaten alive by their PMSing roommates). Cheers.
3)You will all be sleeping in bunk beds and in the same room. This is an equal opportunity environment and we want everyone to have a fair and proper shot at getting laid.
First competition.
Hope you shaved, waxed, and lasered every nook and cranny kids because it’s time for bikini Twister. Really!? When did this turn into a bad porn movie?
Tenley dear, I think you’re adorable and all but it’s kinda unfair to the others that you WERE Cirque DU Soleil in your past life.
Alright, fine I want you to win. I won’t tell.
Ok I have to say, maybe it’s just me but I would have rather had all my teeth pulled out then played that game in my bikini. Let me explain. Laying out by the pool in your bikini is one thing, playing beach volleyball with your friends in your bikini is also one thing BUT to Bend it like Beckham and contort your body into shapes that I can’t even do with my origami set WITH a camera all up in your who-ha is a whooolllllle other thing.
Am I the only sane person around here? I know what you're thinking. Party pooper over here. No way, I would have grabbed my wetsuit and put my game face on. Game on! (Hot I know). And while we’re on the subject (well sorta) do all these people really have perfect bodies or was the airbrush tool working overtime in post production? Seriously. These people are my heros if that’s the case. I better call Gia and figure out how to put a rush order on the parts I’ve selected. Maybe Kirk’s dad can be of assistance.
Back to Twister.
Left breast red.
Right ball blue. Oops, we don’t want to go down that road so early in the game kids, nope…no. we. don’t.
Wishes do come true – Craig is the winner. Kind of shocked his hair and ego had enough room to play. Oh well, winner gets to go on a date with 3 lovely ladies. Who will he pick?
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Date card and table.
[Jessie runs to the door, in her bikini of course. Did she bring clothes? Maybe they lost her luggage?]
Date card and table who?
Oh, who cares? I’ll just take the whole table in rather than just the envelope.
(Do we laugh or pretend like she’s a genius?)
Which three lucky ladies are going to join Craig on his fairy tale fantasy date? Being the well rounded man that he is, he decides to pick someone from every generation. We have sweet, young, and innocent Tinker Bell played by Jessie, one of the manipulating and emotional step sisters from Cinderella played by Elizabeth and the fairy
Be ready at noon in your best beach attire.
Transalation: bikini….and heels…in a limo…drinking champagne. We're filming a rap video now? Oy. Please tell me Craig doesn’t have a grill or I’ll have to stop watching the show immediately and then what will I do with my Monday nights? I might actually have to go on a date or something. No grill…no grill…no grill….. (chanted like Donna Martin graduates).
The only thing I really noticed on the date was that every time Craig went to hug Tinker Bell, she turned her head so far to the left, that I think she might actually be an owl.
Whooo-whoooo.
(My attempt at an owl sound. Weak sauce, I know).
Meanwhile, back at the “Bachelor Pad” Juanita reminds us why he’s about to be kicked off the show. “If I had to walk out of here with $250,000 or the love of my life – I’d take the money and run.”
But Juan, I really thought we had something here, I really thought you meant it when you said you loved me. What about all those Eskimo kisses then? Oh Nikki, how many more guys do you have to sleep with to learn the truth? Poor, innocent, naive Nikki….this game is really gonna shake her up. I give her 3 more episodes tops before she follows her heart and falls in love with another guy. There’s just no room for that kind of nonsense around here. This is a competition kid, pull it together. Big bucks, no whammies!
Back to the drama.
Oh look, Kovacs and Elizabeth, my new besties, are having “the talk”. Wow, not at all awkward to watch this with both of them in the room. In no way did it feel like I was intruding on their couple’s therapy session. No, I DID NOT see the pink elephant in the room. What are you talking about? Absolutely no pink elephants here. None. Ok, maybe a small one in the corner, but it was more rose colored than pink…
Ok let’s be honest, nice attempt on Jesse’s part to plan a “strategy” that involved him winning the money and still being able to hook up with other girls in the meantime. A for effort big boy. BUT I think you forgot who you were dealing with. Your lady friend apparently worked on war strategies with Stalin* so I’m sorry, but please hand over your balls right now. This Queen bee has you under her control. Hey, maybe you like it? It’s all good. Once again I’m not here to judge. Just stating the facts.
*Please don’t try this at home kids. This is for trained for professionals only.
7th inning stretch:
New drinking game of the season. Every time Elizabeth talks about Kovacs or how she’s in love with him, heck, every time she cries - we drink! Yay! This is gonna be a drunken season sailors. Heave ho!
Why the game ‘Telephone’ should never be played in a house full of drunken drama kings and queens:
Subjects: Michelle &
Possible theory: “relations”
Tenley: I think I heard 2 people making out last night. It might have been Michelle and Craig.
Natalie: OMG, did you hear? Tenley saw Michelle and Craig going for second base.
Weatherman: No way, they were doing what? Wait for me, wait for me.
Nikki: Michelle and Craig are in love and eloping?
Juan: Well good, 2 less people on the show. Now I have a better chance of winning the money. (evil laugh)
Ashley: Shut up! Michelle and Craig were having sex, in the bathroom, with the revolver?
Female Jessie: Wow, and then Professor Plumb walked in?
Kiptyn: Who are you people? And am I the only normal one on the show?
So far, sounds like….one syllable. Rhymes with mess.
Rose Ceremony
We decided to switch things up and take the rose ceremony outside this time, that way we literally just push them into their limos and put it in neutral. Parting is such sweet sorrow.
And drum roll please...roses go to everyone except...Juanito and Michelle.
Does this mean they have to date each other now? Juan just an FYI, Michelle is definitely ready to pounce so you better work it!
Well the good news is Juan knows he’s an A-hole, and that’s why he’s going home. The bad news is Michelle thinks she’s going home because Tenley started a rumor about her. Newsflash cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, it’s because you tried to lock Strawberry Shortcake in the bathroom and burst her sparkles. No one messes with Disneyland. She’s the happiest place on earth.
Disclaimer:
The above facts were based on a competition where the contestants will stop at nothing to win the big bucks. It’s not personal they say...it’s just a game.
So in the words of the wise (yes, I’m referring to the people on the show) and for those of you who I might have met. It’s nothing personal...it’s just a blog.
XOXO, Bachelor Biatch
Final Rose, final thoughts. (And more on Ali's adoptive family).
Welcome to Bora Bora. AKA Whorra Whorra.
Well it’s official. Survey says: Ali is adopted. Or she hired actors to play her family on TV. I mean, who the heck were those people? The only saving grace was her roots. They matched the rest of her family. But other than that, there was more resemblance between Brangelina’s and their kids than Ali to her family. Yes, even the one from Africa…or Vietnam…do we have South Korea in the house?
As if we haven’t seen every episode this season we start out with a recap of their adventures.
She has a different relationship with Chris and Roberto, she tells us. Yes she does. Chris makes her puke while Roberto makes her faint. Sounds like someone is due for a MMR vaccination.
First we have Roberto; tall, dark, and handsome. This deuce bigalow male gigolo is not only known for his dashing personality but also his ability to sweat like he’s in Bikram Yoga. Yummy! Especially when Ali goes in to kiss him. Which she seems to do every 2.2 seconds. Hey, nothing wrong with that. They obviously both make each other wet. Too much?? I’ll stop…
With Roberto she feels protected and safe (sorry Kasey, you snooze you lose). Oh and waking up next to him after her overnight date apparently makes her feel like a woman. Ali, do you really mean like a woman or did you mean to say hooker or call girl? Because whenever I wake up next to someone I barely know I always feel like a hooker. But a high class one nonetheless. I would describe it as a client of Heidi Fleiss.
Next subject. With Chris it’s been slow and steady but moving at an uphill pace (I think I can, I think I can). They are “friends” who are just starting to fall in love. Says who Ali? Have you looked around because he’s already there. Catch up or salsa on over to your other lover. Chris makes her laugh, he’s like a teddy bear (hopefully not one made by Kirk’s Dad) that she just wants to wrap her arms around. Kinda sounds more like a date with tickle me Elmo.
Before the first date, we see Ali leaning up against a palm tree as if she is the new Sports Illustrated Cover girl. The symbolism is so profound here. What does it tells us?
1) She either has a magical metabolism and never gains a pound (bitch) or
2) She had her abs sprayed on to look like she was wearing a Conan the Barbarian outfit.
$100 on the latter.
Roberto Meets the Fam.
It’s beautiful. Like a peaceful meeting with the United Nations.
Ali takes Roberto to meet her adopted family, which is a relief because Ali’s “mom” has the hots for him. Good thing they’re not related because they're going to be sharing a lot real soon...and I don't mean just her new shirt. Better drink up Roberto, you’re gonna be sweating more than you’ve ever been before. You’re workin for two ladies now.
Roberto to the Actor Dad:
Blah blah blah…As a husband one day…..umm….to her. Yes of course to her. Who else would it be to? I mean, I’ve known your daughter for 4 weeks now and spent a total of 3 hours alone with her (1 of which I was in bed with her making her feel like a “woman”) Oh my bad make that 2 of which….he is a Latin Lover you know….we all know how they work. Wink wink. What? I read it in a book. I swear.
Where were we? Yes, so of course as a husband to HER….How can I keep her happy?
Awww ok. That was cute. He’s off the probation list for now. He’s a smart man, he knows what all men need to learn and understand. Listen up men. To my 2.5 male followers reading this blog repeat after me.
A happy wife = a happy life. Now all together now, A happy wife = a happy life.
Done and done.
Roberto with the new Bachelorette (this being her “mom” of course):
Spoken in a horrible Spanish accent almost as believable as when Brittney Spears was British. Yo creo tu corozon es puro. What? Is he sure? Raise your hand if you’re sure? No, no, let me translate. You heart is pure. And her mind is playing tricks on her like her daughters.
And just like that Suave slips his hand onto hers. Sweat drips down his face. And she shoves her tongue in his mouth. What can I say? Like mother like daughter. Ok fine, she’s not adopted. Proof is in the DNA.
Wow, Stella apparently got her groove back because all of a sudden “mom” wants to learn how to dance. Dancing with the stars? No, dancing with Roberto your new flame. Can’t wait to we see an after after the final rose: First time ever, Bachelorette mom steals son-in-law. But it’s ok. Roberto’s used to having more than one girlfriend. It’s the machismo thing isn’t it?
Chris meets the ‘rents and they meet his…..basket?
Well, we know these guys didn’t run to the nearest Target to pick up a gift but I want to know who the heck was the producer that told him to carry a basket so he looks like little red riding hood? Next time why don’t you just come with a baby carriage and call it a day.
Tip #1 on impressing the parents:
When in doubt. Always, and I mean ALWAYS say to a Massachusetts family that you’re a Red Sox fan. Ding! Ding! Sign, sealed, delivered, yeah yeah!
Tip #2 on how to insert foot or entire leg in mouth. take 1:
Mom to Chris. Your mom must have wanted a girl I’m sure. Ohhhhh just stab him in the heart right now will you. Poor guy. It’s only gonna go downhill from here but not before we play this fun game.
I was a math teacher……so am I.
My mom was a nurse…..so is mine.
I was born in Montreal…..so was I.
I speak in fragments. So. Do. I.
I was adopted….So was Ali.
I can’t believe I’m on this show to meet my love….Same with my wife, but that’s how she met Roberto.
It must be love.
A family that jumps in the ocean together, stays together. Weeee! How cute. We all get along but this is the last time you’ll ever see them. So soak up every moment and give me the Red Sox tickets now will ya?
Btw: Way to pick your nose Ali when the camera is 2ft away from you. Hot!
Family Meeting:
Kids, it’s time we discussed the important things in life. Your minutes are not rolling over and it’s time we all got the family plan. That and we need to discuss who our adopted daughter is going to nag for the rest of her life.
Roberto:
Pros: romantic, wears feelings on sleeve (and jockstrap), has a baseball card of himself.
Cons: Only knows how to make out and speak Spanish (sometimes at the same time). Wait, how is this a con?
Chris:
Pros: sincere, caring, loyal. (sounds like a puppy to me), Red Sox fan, & will make sure their landscaping always looks impeccable.
Cons: He gets nervous and turns into a bobble head. She will have to wear the dentist bracelet the rest of her life.
Last (or is it?) date with Roberto: Latin lover, king of the jungle, yin to her yang, and bump to her grind.
“I love getting on machines that go really fast” Really? Have you heard of the Rabbit?
Oh you meant a jet ski. My bad.
Hey, there are a school of stingrays over there let’s park our rabbits and jump in. Here Ali, you have to pet it. Wait, isn’t that how the Crocodile Hunter died?
Brilliant.
Good times.
Deep thoughts:
I don’t think you know you’ve found true love until you are on a private island and are able to stand (or as in this case, mount each other) and kiss in the rain. I think that it’s a sure sign of Bachelor/Bachelorette love and of a lasting marriage. Didn’t all the other ones do that? And look where they are now? Happy and in love. Oops wrong show. I got this one confused with Dating in the Dark.
Night time date with King of the Hill and Jungle.
Aww so sweet Roberto, he’s preparing the room for sexy time. Laying out the roses, candles, and condoms. Hope it’s a magnum. Ali’s mom says he needs it.
Holiday gift exchange time!
Roberto gives her a picture frame of them on the heart shaped island. Awww. But wait, he wrote something on the back.
Dearest Alejandro (that’s Ali in Espanol. Not Lady Gaga’s song)
You make me want to be the King to your lion. I mean the lion to your king. Your spray tanned abs are so sexy as they melt off in my hand and I morph into an orange oompa loompa. I want to spend forever with you (forever as in the next 6 months). You make me want to be a better man. Yo quiero Taco Bell.
Amore,
Roberto
Roberto to Alejandro:
Ali, you’re the kind of girl you take chances for (tear, no really that was sweet. My shell is starting to crack). As he’s touching Ali’s nose like a Grandpa does to his grandchild, he says. Wait for it. Wait for it. I’m definitely falling in love with you.
Alejandro to Roberto:
My heart is exploding out of my chest. (Same with Roberto’s pants).
Can the camera crew leave already, we don’t want it to be over before it started.
“I love you,” he says to her. And in customary Bachelorette/Bachelor fashion there is no response other than a tongue down the suitor’s mouth.
Ok Ali, we need to have a chat here. Just me and you. I don’t know what you are thinking right now but I’m just gonna say it. You better hit that now and decide later.
What?
Date (oh we use that term so lightly these days) with Chris:
Ok where do I begin? The minute she opened the door I gave this scene one of the million trophy’s that Roberto’s Dad showed us. Most awkward moment of the show by far. Not sure if it was her not being able to look him in the eye, her not being able to stop fidgeting, or her knowing she became queen of the jungle last night and couldn’t bare to mount this cub after she trained her dragon.
Whatever it was she walked through that door like she was on crack and dropped him quicker than she dropped The Weatherman. Definitely cloudy with a chance of Chris’ (meat)balls.
“I’m in love with someone else.” Wait, back up. Hold the music. What just happened? I wasn’t even prepared to be dumped yet. Can you please let me assume the position, get my pint of ice cream, (and lactaid pills, well I am a Jew, what do you expect?) and give me one last attempt to speak to you in my language of love. Fragments. And. All?
I guess we’re not gonna build it up a little before she rips out his heart. Just gonna go in for the kill. Kinda like her mom did when asking about his mom? Once again, definitely not adopted.
“I’m letting you go Chris. You are free to move about the cabin. Run Forrest run. Go find your fragmented soulmate. Find her and don’t ever look back. Or don’t look back at Ali because she feels like an ass.
What’s the saying? If it walks like a ……..
Oh just kidding. Better she did it now than later. Classy move for not dragging it out and making him get down on one knee like our dear friend Deanna Pappas did to Jason Mesnick. That was horrible! But he sucks too because he dumped his fiancé on TV only to make out 5 minutes later with the original girl he dumped. Who are these people? And where did they come from?
Anyway, back to Ali. She had to follow her heart and that’s all you can ask for in anyone.
But does this mean we can say helloooo to our next Bachelor???
Children, this is not only a blog but also a therapy session on life, love, and how not to meet your husband.
So , what we learned here:
Friendship + no passion = no rose. No decoder ring.* But maybe a blender as a consolation prize.
Friendship + passion = hot make out sessions (in bathrooms?), rose, and $100,000 decoder ring.
Interlude.
Alright, I have to discuss. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be emotional and well let’s face it. I am Danielle. So, after Chris gets dumped, he goes out on the balcony, does the famous hand on railing/on head pose that we’ve seen so many of our bachelors do and then out of the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane. No it’s a rainbow. Two words. Chills and tears. Yes, the tears were rolling down my face so much so that I was waiting for the oxygen mask to drop so I could catch my breath.
Hearing Chris Harrison and Ali talk about this on the After the Final Rose reassured me that there was no editing in this scene. It truly was one of those amazing moments in life that make you believe there is a reason for everything and that someone is watching over you. In all seriousness that was one of the most beautiful things ever.
Final rose ceremony (really, I mean it this time).
How romantic. The morning of her big day Ali starts off with, “I don’t know why he would pick me?” Yay, the self esteem class paid off. But as we have learned, “love works in ways you can’t explain.” Yes, I agree, I can’t explain why Men Marry Bitches and why we have to follow The Rules? (Clearly someone has been hanging out in the self help section these days). No way not me.
Row, row, row your boat… gently down the aisle….And there he is, looking as Latin as ever. As he rolls up on a boat….with a chuppah? What was that thing? Maybe he's a Sephardic Jew?
Anyway, as the boat pulls in Ali says she finally found the guy she wants to spend the rest of her life with. Really? Because,
1) you’re 25
2) you’re on a reality dating show
3) you have 500 pounds of makeup on that is going to sweat off and he’s gonna freak out when he sees what you really look like and
4) you’re 25.
Wait til you’re my age and have dated all of Los Angeles, Boston, Scottsdale, and NYC. Then my little lovely, then let’s talk. Ok, Ok, I know this sounds like I’m bitter, but in fact, I love my life. I couldn’t be happier! If I could just sit patiently and wait for a guy that doesn't bore me and for the right guy who is smart enough to snatch me up and never let me go, I would! But there is this thing in the meantime that you have to do, called dating. Eeeeek. Who has time to work, it’s like a full time job. Oh crap, does that make me a hooker like Ali? Oh no, we are similar. Maybe that means that I too will be whisked away via helicopter to islands shaped like hearts, clovers, and purple horseshoes (magically delicious) and one day I too will get that final rose…in Bora Bora….on TV….by I guy I barely know….A girl can dream can’t she?
Cut to deep thoughts by Roberto as he’s about to walk the plank.
“I took a lot of time, did a lot of thinking and soul searching to get here.” (a lot of time = 4 hours). “But I decided heck, if I’m gonna get a $100,000 ring for free I might as well jump on it.” What can go wrong?
Here he comes….Mr. Latin Lover. He says to her, I was thinking all night last night and all morning (phew, because I was scared you decided at the last minute to love me forever) and you told me to follow my heart (and my thingy) so here I am.
I will spare all the drama and skip to the key points in his Emancipation Proclamation.
There was a , “I love you unconditionally” (awww)
“I will be by your side no matter what” (high five)
Can we get a holler for “I want to make you laugh, smile, and I want you to wake up knowing that you are loved.” (I’m dying over here. Kleenex ahora)
Mad props for, “I want to grow old with you.” (Awww, that one gets me every time. I just picture myself having wheelchair races with my hubby).
And then the tears started flowing (again) and then I looked down at the size of the diamond and the tears turned into a monsoon. Thank you ABC, thank you for loving Ali so much to buy her that ring. I’m sure Roberto is thrilled because isn’t he a Gardner? Oh that’s Chris. Isn’t he a “former” baseball player who now sits in a cubicle?
Well kids, we finally got our happy ending. The helicopters, trip around the world, and being wined and dined like you’re King Tut had nothing to do with the love that they have for each other. Nothing.
Let us raise our glasses and toast to Ali and Roberto (no last name). May your love for each other grow and get stronger with each passing day. And may both of you remain hot because if you get fat and ugly I’m not sure what the two of you will do with each other. Mazel Tov. I mean, Buenos noches.
*FF
Men Tell All....but not everything. That's where I come in.
Welcome back boys - I've missed you, it's been lonely without your craziness.
I struggled to find the words to portray last night’s Men Tell All. Why? Not because there wasn’t enough “stuff” to write about (ok, that’s a lie) NOTHING happened. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
So, in my attempt to entertain myself which I seem to be good at. Scary. I decided to make up my own game. I call this, The Men Tell All – After their final rose but before they dried it up and hung it upside down on their wall next to their prom corsage. (Once again people born in the 80’s probably don’t remember this decoration fad that swept our nation. As I said before, remain calm and smile and nod).
So where are these lovely Lads now? Step away from the remote and here we go….
Kasey we come to find out is a speech pathologist and has been busy guarding and protecting his new tattoo shop with current lover, Kat Von D. He is an active member of Iceland’s Board of Tourism and is rallying for their new motto: Welcome to Iceland. It’s Effing cold. So jump in my volcano and stay a while.
If you’d like, he’d be happy to sing it to you as well.
Jesse has followed in Levi Johnston’s footsteps and is the new 2010 playgirl centerfold. He wears nothing but his hard hat ladies. Yes that’s hard HAT.
Frank is in therapy with Nicole where they spend a great deal of time talking about “their feelings”. Dr Phil has taken him on as a psychology experiment and says he may soon be in the Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s most emotional species. National Geographic is enamored with this as well and will be doing a 2 page spread on this fascinating creature. ‘Discovery into the mind of the emotional male’. Second behind the Bald Eagle, this rare and almost certainly extinct species is a fascinating discovery. It’s a miracle we found one left on the planet. Thank you Chris Harrison for all that you do and all who you are.
The Weatherman. Poor guy can’t get a break. Not only can America not stand him, but his boys were throwing him under the bus as well. There seems to be a recurring central motif here which is: Sucks to be him. Can’t live with him….can’t live
John C. has finally come out of the closet and will be starring in the newest Bachelor the “light” version. He and his adorable puppy, Rocky, live in South Beach and can often be found stalking Roberto while he is running around the baseball field shirtless and in his boxer briefs. Yummy.
Craig R. has been very busy talking to everyone. Even himself in the mirror. He has taken on the role of mother hen and is now the ‘Men Tell All’ spokesperson. Not only does he do public service announcements for Rated R but he is also on the board of directors for the new EVOOWF, (Extra Virgin Olive Oil Wrestling Federation). All of this, while he is trying so desperately to get America to vote for him as the next Bachelor. He really is trying so hard to get us to love him. Alll of him. Even his man boobs.
Jason (hi Jason) was hiding in the bathroom the whole first episode so we never really got to see him. It was at that moment that he had an epiphany and realized how much he missed hanging out in them. He now travels the world designing state of the art bathrooms as he finds these are exciting places to explore your mind and body. (Confused? You're not alone. There was a point behind this one, trust me)
Rated R has decided to switch up his wresting gear from simply ‘gay’ to ‘drag’ and can be found wearing his hot green dress in the woman’s state correctional facility. He learned very quickly that this would be the only way for him to get any action these days. Times are tough and he is not only mackin on Lindsay Lohan but also trying to devise a plan to get Martha back in the slammer. He has a thing for older women with no personality. Rated R and Justin both agree theirs is enough for all of them.
Kirk has decided to go into the family business. His first stuffed animal plans to be Frank (with glasses) as he thinks Ali would have brought him to Tahiti if it wasn’t for him. Hey there big boy, just a hunch but I think your freaky dad had something to do with it. I’m not sure. Just throwing it out there. In his down time, which he has a lot of since he stares at dead animals all. day. Long. He’s been making a scrapbook about his memories on the show and plans to have story time with the animals real soon. On a side note, poor Kirky said he’s never had his heart broken before. Um what, come again? Welcome to the club buddy. Glad you can make it, we’ve been waiting for you. My name is Danielle, I’m not only a member I’m also the president. I’d like to introduce you to the weatherman, he’s our recording secretary. Kasey (the freak in the back) will be giving free motivational speeches on how to guard and protect to avoid future heart breakage.
The first thing he recommends is to get a tattoo so that you automatically make the girl run for the hills, thereby ensuring you have no chance of getting near the broken heart stage. That is, unless of course you are like him and happen to fall in love with people before you meet them. In that case, please meet Frank in therapy. We will work on getting a group discount.
Hunter we didn’t know or care about before and so we will keep it this way.
Kyle, Derrick, and Tyler V…. Please refer to Hunter’s role above.
Chris N. is the new David Copperfield and since he does not like to talk to humans he spends his days pulling rabbits out of his hat (and a random edamame when he finds one). Since he relates to his bunny more than a person they are often found sitting cheek to cheek sipping sake through a straw. (Just go with me on this one…)
And last but not least we have born again Ty, who has decided to dedicate his life to fighting for women’s rights. He is now an active and proud member of the National Organization For Women. When he's not barefoot and preggers and cooking chicken parmesan in the kitchen, he and Mel Gibson can often be found volunteering at the local Planned Parenthood.
The End.
Before next week’s final rose…my one final thought:
Kasey for President. (high five)
OK, two final thoughts.
I want to know who the heck Jessie is sleeping with? No, not male Jesse who was in playgirl. The silent, but now has a voice, Jessie that showed up last night with her dress up to her coochi-coo. She must be sleeping with one of the producers, how else is she all of a sudden Little Miss Sunshine? Inquiring minds want to know!
Anyway, can't wait to see you and your new fake boobies on the Bachelor Pad!
Here's to Frank and Nicole. May your love for each other be as consistent as Frank's emotions. (Ali who?)
Let me get this straight. LA, NYC, Iceland (Hi Kasey), Turkey, Portugal, LA, Tampa (sounds so exotic), Cape Cod, Wisconsin (Green Bay is great, I was just joking last week), Chicago, LA, back to Chicago (thanks Frank) and Tahiti. Hmmmm…..Recession my ass. I don’t care if this is “reality” or Candyland, I want in on this recession free world they play in. Send in the caviar Muffy, Buffy is pouring the champagne…
Back in LA Chris (L.) (as opposed to Chris (Z?) says, “it seems like just yesterday I was 1 out of 25 guys in the house.” Newsflash. It was. And now you’re in love. That’s how we roll around here.
Now it’s Roberto’s turn and we get to see that he too can fold and pack his own bag. Look Ma, I’m a big kid now. Cue cool jazz summer mix in background. “Ali is unlike any women I’ve ever met.” Liar, liar, pants on fire. Why do I get the feeling that you've probably banged all the Miami dolphin cheerleaders by now? In any case, goooooo team!
Alrighty, so moving on.
Care Bear Staaaaare! (btw: that was Frank’s emotions bursting at the seams). “Something is holding me back” Love-a-lot Bear says. Could it be your cardigan and scoop neck wife beater? No. It’s his ex-girlfriend Nicole. Boo-yah! And who is Nicole we all wonder? Weren’t you just crying over and confessing your love for Ali? Nicole we come to find out is the last girl he dated before he came out to find his wife…fiancé….girlfriend….errrr…..replacement girlfriend? Girl in waiting? Something like that...
But wait, it really does get better. Frankie tells us he has feelings for 2 girls. (5 second time out). When did this become The Bachelor!? Apparently this is Frank’s world and we’re just living in it? Hope it’s the recession free one at least.
Next up on the Frank and Nicole show we follow his fragile and confused little heart to Chicago (who paid for that one I’d like to know?) and watch with his “heart in his throat and stomach at his feet” Sounds like a game of operation if you ask me. This is going to be the most “pivotal moment in my life.” he says. Bravo, bravo, and the Emmy goes to... Frank for most dramatic and draining contestant ever.
Here we go. Let the games begin…
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Frank
ohhhh this is gonna be good. Frank who?
Frank with my full of sh*t tank.
Nicole opens the door. Right off the bat since I’ve turned into a dude. Nicole 6 (hmmm no, she had the really weird eye popping thing going on and that reminded me of a pug)
Nicole 5.3
Ali 9.
I'm on team blondie this time. Clearly Frank needs to swing a visit to Costco and get a new eye prescription because he tells us (and this is news to him too of course) that he’s “in love” with Nicole. Ummmmm wow, this is awkward. I bet Ali didn’t know she’d be competing against Weatherman’s sister. Totally. Strange. But somehow I get over it until she drops the “you complete me card”. Really? I thought we were so over Jerry Maguire. Are you going to tell us next how much the human head weighs? And just like that the happy couple is back together again. See, who said the Bachelorette didn't work miracles?
Nicole, will you accept this cactus? I can't look at roses anymore.
Frank: I need you to support me. I “HAVE” (kicking and screaming….stomping his foot like Michelle Tanner* before Olsen twins morphed into lollipops) to go to Tahiti.
Way to take one for the team Frank. Makes so much sense to fly 27 hours, dump her, then fly back another 25 (yay jet stream). Yes Frank, if you must here are your first class tickets.
Commercial break:
Today class, we are going to talk about lessons learned. Attention ladies, never trust a “retail manager” who “lived” (for 2 weeks….psst Frank we usually call that a vacay….but if it makes you feel better…) in Paris and was overly (understatement) emotional about EVERYTHING. We should have known Frank, we should have known the minute you befriended Kasey.
Welcome to Tahiti
Island of Tuthahthhautha (God bless you)
Ali: “I have 3 amazing guys”
oops…..oh poor thing doesn’t know what’s about to smack her in the face…..wait, didn’t you do the same thing to Jake? Hate to say it Blondie but Karma is a b*tch. What goes around…comes around…..including the STD’s you, Roberto, and Chris are all sharing. Aww, that’s special. Maybe you could all get a tattoo?
Dream Date #1 with Roberto (the man of many words, he must have been a communications major)
Roberto runs over to Ali who’s wearing Frank’s wife beater and (possibly?) his yellow bathing suit as well as a starfish on her hand (she’s prepping for her big rock…building finger muscles). Time for more helicopter action. Although I thought we established that we were done with helicopters and moving onto bigger and better things. Doesn’t Falkor live on that island anyway? Can’t we take him out for a spin?
Oh btw, Ali loves loves flying now. Jake did you hear that? This could be good since rumor has it that you’re both single now. (FYI, no spoilers here, hate that. Just watch the show people, right? But, I love me a good rumor or two). I see a sequel in the making. The Bachelor part Douche - On the wings (and ass) of love.
Where were we? Oh yes, heart shaped island and a picnic. That’s nice. Yellow top…and pink bikini bottoms. Not so nice. Do your other bottoms not look good? Just asking because I always mix and match depending on my bloated days, looks like I’m not the only one. OMG we're so bff(aeae...).
Camera shows them swimming in the water (I’m jealous, not even gonna try and fake it. Beam me up Scotty I want to go there) and not sure if they’re having sex or not…sorry to interrupt but I’m begining to feel like a third wheel.
So life with Roberto, what would that be like? Never short of romance (and salsa dancing) just short of conversation since he’s still learning how to speak English apparently. What? He never talks. I'm just saying. And no, I don't work for the state of Arizona.
Dinner time.
Ali: Can you see us together?
Roberto: In the future?
Me: no, in the past, dumbass. Fine you’re hot, you can get away with it.
Roberto: something something something blah, blah, something…….I tend to close off. (RED FLAG, Penalty, run Forrest run) ummm, perhaps it was the SIX wine glasses on the table? For the love of God, who the heck was drinking with you guys? Do you travel with your own mariachi band?
Special delivery. What's this? Roberto asks as if he’s NEVER seen the show. Oh COME ON! Puuuullleease! Suave, you know what it is, just go with it. Save the acting for Frank.
Dearest Roberto and Ali,
In case you decide to forgo your individual rooms please use this key and condom (no baby shower before wedding folks, we are very traditional here) to unlock your fantasy suite. Roberto we know how you like to be the macho man so we left a WWF outfit in the closet. Enjoy and go for a homerun slugger.
- Your bestie Chris (Harrison, not L.)
Side note: Did anyone else catch Ali say “you’re soaking wet”? Ewww, earmuffs children!
Score: Definitely a homerun.
Date #2 with America’s Sweetheart. (No, not Britney Spears, the other one.)
After an early morning walk of shame she quickly throws on Milley Cyrus’ skirt and runs over to Chris trying to block out her night in Tahiti….on the island of thuhahahhaithiati….with Roberto…..the Latin lover. Sure. Totally easy to forget about. So much so that I’M still imagining it. Ok, back the show.
Finally, I see friendship AND romance on their date, oh how he just makes me smile. Fragments. And. All. They jump on a boat, frolic in the water and swim to their private island. However, this one isn’t shaped like a heart, just an ovary. But before they arrive to land, we are lucky enough to have a split screen of them as Ali’s legs are wrapped around his waist and together they walk, no, they trudge through the water like some sort of mythical creature. Part man, part woman, part Dentist bracelet.
After her skirt magically swims to shore, (Milley!) they go looking for pearls…oh I’m not even gonna go there. You so want me to folks but I’m not. Let it be known, I’ve matured since last week. Yes I have. So Ali and her pearl necklace (oops) say, “OMG, it’s like a black pearl” phew, rest assured, she’s not color blind. Wait, then I’m still trying to figure out what that yellow and pink bathing suit set was all about?
Ali clearly feels comfortable with Chris so much so that she decides to roll on over to dinner in her PJ’s. Way to dress up girlfriend, you could have at least worn the jumpsuit kind with feet. I hear he’s into that kind of thing. Two words. Easy Access. One zip on the whole thing would have been off. Sometimes it’s good to plan ahead.
Dinner is going well, lots of drunk smiles and giggles (with 4 less wine glasses though this time) when low and behold she pulls a letter out of her crotch. This island is just filled with tons of magic kids. Chris, we learn, took the same acting class as Roberto. “There’s a fantasy suite?” he says, but for some reason we believe him, right? And his response was just too. darn. cute.
“Yes, I love this girl 100%, I just don’t know how to describe it.” Pssst, you just did. Oy, THEN he drops the soul-mate card. I thought you were leaving that one in your back pocket with the ring, Chris? Looks like you came too early. Oops, she’s back. Ok I don’t know about you, but I 'like' really felt him talking to me there. Oh Chris (L.), time to shut the privacy curtains. Roberto who?
Score: definitely third base at least and maybe a homerun but he probably said something like I respect you yadda yadda and think we should wait. Oh, that’s my Cape Cod boy!
Date (errrrr, dump) #3
Ok before we begin please follow me in a couple of sun salutations, that’s right down dog, up dog. Feel the flow, release the emotions, and breathe in through your nose out through your mouth (like darth vador). Now in Savasana (my favorite pose) please join me Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmm. Namaste.
Thank you, I needed that before I dealt with Frank and his CRAZY EFFING emotions. (we’re almost done with him, don’t worry, phew).I don't even smoke and I already need a cigarette.
Frank calls in the Dali Lama to have a 'talk' and help him sort out his thoughts (good luck and may the Schwartz be with you). He tells us he over thinks and over analyzes things, oh and he’s very good at that. (no, not you Frank Footer, I can't imagine you doing that).
Two things:
1)At least you’re not in denial Fancy pants. It’s a first step towards recovery.
2)I don’t think I like you without your glasses. Did you leave them in Nicole’s bed?
So Chris lays on the Jewish guilt, I swear I didn’t teach him, and says, “she’s crazy about you.”
ummmm, nope, doesn’t even work. He recovers with “oh that’s cool and all but I feel like I can spend the rest of my life with Nicole. I hope I’m right"
HOPE? You HOPE you’re right? (shaking head back and forth) Oh Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear, I had such high hopes for you. Scratch that, no I didn’t. Ok we’re done.
Now that is what I call being “sideswiped” swooooooosh. Just like that, out of nowhere, when you least expect it (sorta) he drops a bomb like Hiroshima. Well, I don’t know about you but I just feel like I went through a breakup. Pass the bon bons please.
Gather around kids, its story time. Today’s therapy session is called ‘know thy self’. I don’t think Frank will ever feel confident about anyone or anything else for that matter because I don’t think he feels confident about himself.
OK enough with that crap, back to business.
Seatbelts on, here we go…..this is going to be a fun (not for Ali) ride.
And just like Pandora’s box, the sliding doors whisk open revealing Ali’s morning after (squared!) glow.
Frank: Ali, we need to talk. And the hairs literally stand up on her arms, ready to make an about face and run for the hills where she should have followed.
I think the look on her face said it all. We’ve all been there (ok well sh*t, I have). It’s that split second when you know what’s coming but you just want to freeze time because you don’t have enough strength in you to go there again. But, since we are not like Evie from out of this world we can’t just stop time with our 2 pointer fingers…such a shame, so the dumping begings. Bring on the dumping. (For those of you born in the 80's you probably have no idea what I was just talking about. Remain calm, just smile and nod and tell everyone how funny the blog is). Remember Karma is a b*itch ;)
Back to our regularly scheduled program:
Frank to Ali:
We had (past tense, first warning like a fog horn…preparing you for what’s to come) blah blah blah BUT (damn that but) I have unresolved feelings for my ex-girlfriend. Zing! You’re perfect in every way BUT (screw you Mr. but, go home and never come back) I’m so fickle and confused so I think I like her now BUT (one more time and I’m putting on the boxing gloves) I could change my mind again. You? Change your mind? Nope. Don’t believe it.
Oh great, now they’re both crying. (send in the sea turtle with 2 boxes of tissues please)
Ali: I’ve given up everything to be here (yay, it’s shot time!)
Don’t worry Ali, he’s a boy, you need a real man who knows what he wants. (Chris, Chirs, Chris) Did you hear something?
So they cry, talk, cry, talk, cry, talk, she throws off her flip flops, cries, talks. And then he puts his hand on her as to say I’m sorry. Eff that, she should have bitch slapped him. Don’t you dare touch her Frank, not after you rip her heart out on the Island of Thahahathahahtheomcneue. Who does that?
Frank leaves and Ali plops down like a kid who just dropped her ice cream cone and starts to cry. The good news is last time we saw her do that she was in a hotel hallway (kinda looked like the Vagabond, those still around?) so things have improved greatly. At least she’s on a beach without fluorescent lighting. I’ll drink to that!
Jesus comes out of nowhere, he’s good like that, and consoles our dear Ali as she tells him (because he didn’t already know) that she’s "given up her job, her whole freakin life to be there" (Shot #2, Nicole is gonna look hot in no time). “He’s the biggest jerk I’ve ever known.” Really? Because I can name a few others who come in a close second. Let's see, there's Justin and Rated-R. Yup both are pretty bad.
Don’t worry Ali, it’s not him it’s you. I mean, it’s not you it’s him.
Rose Ceremony
What was that shmata thing you were wearing? Awesome if you’re 500 pounds and going on a date as the biggest loser. But we saw your six pack. New stylist please.
We all know who gets roses, so I won’t even make you sit through the "suspense" again. I just can't do that to you, I care too much.
Congrats Chris (L.) and Roboerto (?) (no last name?) the two of you have traveled the world to find love. (Suckers) But, unfortunately for one of you your search will be far from over. Feel free to pick up a copy of Eat, Pray, Love before you continue on. It's gonna be a doozy. Tootles.
Credits:
*thank you fab funny man flash.
ps- lesson learned - ask, don't assume, (it makes an ASS out of U and ME). Or just me. But I do have a great ass, what can I say! ;)
(Sorry inside joke, had to write it).
“Love is the only reality” Really? Then my reality is pretty freaking pathetic. I’d like to buy a vowel please….
We start off in LA with a close of up Ali’s roots (send maintenance please). Do they not have hair salons in other countries? Tragic. Moving on...and we magically end up in Tampa, Florida on our quest for love and Roberto’s (base)balls.
Hometown date #1:
A mysterious black van, that looks as if it could have been used by the DC Sniper, conveniently drops Ali off on the corner so that they are able to reenact a scene out of Baywatch and run towards each other in a passionate display of affection. (Please note her yellow shirt, we will get back to this shortly).
Ali, I have something to tell you. I’m a playa. I used to play baseball. Keyword, used to. And with that we enter his field of dreams and her field of balls as her legs we surgically attached to his waist most of the afternoon. As she puts on his jersey she says “it makes her so proud”. Yes we get it, proud like a trophy wife. More lip injections please. Roberto comes out of nowhere sporting his baseball outfit and Ali was SO shocked. “I had NO idea you were going to put on a baseball uniform.” What, did you think he was going to put on Weatherman’s Speedos? We already know those won't fit.
Have to admit, Ali wasn’t that bad at baseball. She did way better than I would have. For starters, she caught the ball. I would have ducked. I don’t do well in sports where balls fly at my face...well sometimes...but that’s a whole other blog. Oh yeah and did I mention that’s why golf works out so well for me. Unless I hit a tree and it ricochets back into my face but remember I duck, so we’re all good. Props to Ali for bringing back her butch lesbo softball days! Butt slap, good game.
They are soooo giddy like little school kids and are having the time of their lives. So much so that they actually have to run around ALL the bases, all the while holding hands and twirling around like they are in flashdance. Water hose anyone?
During their impromptu picnic in the middle of the field we learn Roberto’s dad is an ex army Wrangler (hmmm, could be hot..depends on if he looks like his son) and that his mom is passive, doesn’t says much, and definitely doesn’t argue. Two things that quickly jump to mind. Ali, this family is not for you and I think Franky might be a better housewife for him. But I’m not giving up hope. We can all tell that besides the making out there is a deep emotional connection that binds the two of you together. Hold up, there is? Have you two ever even had a conversation longer than 1 minute? Or do you constantly break up the monotony with a game of tonsil hockey? Just asking, I’m jealous. I too want to find a guy that I have nothing to say to. Wait, this seriously describes all my first dates. Help.
OK Ali this is the big night, first hometown dinner with the rents. You have 20-30 seconds to make a good impression so hope you picked out a great outfit. Drumroll please...and she loves yellow so much that she decides to wear the SAME shirt she wore earlier in the day. Good thing Florida isn’t humid. Did the airlines lose your luggage? Oh well, yay for being sustainable. There’s no better way to
“I don’t want to brag (umm so don’t), but, you’re a prize” Roberto’s Army Sergeant Dad tells us. A lot more bragging about his son and a little dancing with the stars action in the living room rounds out the night with Roberto and family. Ali, FYI...you better cut off your other left foot if you really want this relationship to take off. Borrow one from Jake I’m sure he’s not using his anymore. Although he probably threw it at Vienna Finger.
Date theme song: I’m too sexy by Right Said Fred.
I give the date 3.5 out of 5 roses.
Date #2 with Cape Cod Chris (…heart flutter….)
Just a quick question before we start. ABC, what exactly do you mean when you say “Landscaper”? Do you mean gardener? Just wondering.
Paaaahhkk the caaaahhhh, we’re going to the beach! Of course the weather is nice there, it always is. Did I mention that’s why I left Boston? Anyway, Ali is a good sport, my hair soooo would have frizzed, hello Jew Fro. Maybe she got the Brazilian hair treatment, sans formaldehyde of course. And we’re walking...walking...and then Chris reminds us that at this very second whales are mating. Freudian slip? What’s on your mind big boy?!
Oy, again with the mom, I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know how Ali is keeping it together. I’m a mess over here! Send in the squeegee. Again. OMG, now he wants to find the one that makes him smile, and happy blah blah...Pssst Chris, short brunette, over here...in the corner. Howudoin?
The way to his family’s heart is through wine (could we be any more of a perfect match?) and they all toast and cheers to each other. Good thing Ali is the only one holding her pint of beer. Get it together girl, or I’m moving you out of the way and going in for my own Dentist, Dennis...whatever kind of bracelet it is.
My father in law is so sweet, bless his heart. But I couldn’t help but notice he bore a striking resemblance to the Gorton’s fisherman guy. A slightly older, more mature one, minus the beard but close nonetheless. Jingle now stuck in my head, thanks Dad. Loved the story of how he met his wife. Except that one is not gonna work for me. Do you know how many times I’ve walked into a bar and said oh he’s the one. Oh no, this time I mean it. It’s different. He’s sooooo the one. Haven’t felt this way before...this time is different. Oh well, if that actually happened I’d be living in Utah now and who wants to do that?
Does this date actually have to end? Chris (L.)...I’m enjoying your family so much. Even planning our Cape Cod wedding right now and yes I’m walking down the aisle to the mating calls (with non frizzy hair of course, helloooo frizz-ease.) Where in LA do I find a guy like you? Oh, that was a funny one wasn’t it? Riiiigggght, ok I’ll just continue dating guys who hand me their headshots instead of their cards. (rolling my effing eyes) Sigh.
Oh wait, I have one more thing to show you, Chris says. Oh really Chris, I didn’t know you were that type of guy, but I like it. I like it a lot. And then as if they were in a fairy tale he kisses her high up on the...water tower? What the heck was that thing? Who cares it looked romantic. And they lived happily ever after...The end.
Crap she still has 2 more families to lead on...oh well. Until we meet again my Cape Cod cutie!
Date theme song: Can you feel the love tonight from the Lion King (*) (Sorry Roberto, I stole this one from your trapeze act. You snooze you lose).
Date gets 5 roses and a Dentist bracelet!
Date # 3 (Nightmare on both streets)
How do we even meet Kirk and his furry friends after Chris and his family? If we must...here we go...
(Ali please return your yellow raincoat to Chirs’ Dad. He needs it to sell more frozen fish)
Several problems with this date. Where do I start?
1)They are in Greenbay, Wisconson. Who the hell wants to move there?
2)They are in Greenbay, Wisconson. Who the hell wants to move there?
3)I think I remember Kirk’s dad from, To Catch A Predator.
4)Someone needs to go in and de-clutter that house immediately. I was getting nauseous with all the tchotskies everywhere. Hope they’re not planning on selling anytime soon. Bring in the professional stager.
5)We find out the predator stores “stuffed” animals in the basement. EWWWWWW
6)EWWWWWWWWWW
7)EWWWWWWWWWWW (ok, I think I’m done now)
8)Kirk says his dad is not a man of many words. No shit that’s why he plays with dead things.
9)I would NOT want to be in that house alone and/or at night. And I’m especially afraid of what happens when there’s a full moon. If I put a quarter in a paw will the lights dim and the animals start singing and wagging their tales like at Chuck E Cheese?
10)The step moms voice was manlier than Franks
11)That freezer was scary. It for sure looked like the kind that all the psycho killers in the movies have.
And that’s all I’m gonna say about that.
Let’s move onto the mom’s house. She greets us at the door rocking a “bump it” in her hair that she ordered on QVC and braces that shined all the way from here to the Chrysler building.
Thank god Kirk has so much “love and support from his family, and that they would do anything for him.” Good because you’re gonna need all of them (including your creepy dad) to help you pick up the pieces of your broken heart after Ali breaks it.
“My family is who I am”, Really? Then taxi please. I gosta go!
Date song: The Muppets Show theme song.
Date get’s 2 roses and a PETA membership.
Date #4 – Please make sure all emotional baggage fits under the seat in front of you or in the overhead bin.
Once again, I love how Frank wears his heart on his sleeve...or cardigan. WTF were you wearing Tenderheart Bear? Please call Queer Eye for the straight Guy ASAP. Ohhh that could be tricky since we haven’t figured out yet which team you exactly play for yet. Just kidding. Love you Amigo Bear (oops, that’s Roberto’s care bear name).
Anyway, Frank and his cardigan greet Ali and are off to explore Chicaaaaago. Lots of emotions on the date already, shocker, and when Frank walks into his parents house they greet him as if they haven’t seen him in ages. “So good to see you Frank, it’s been forever.” “I miss you sleeping in our bed”. Now go take out the trash and make sure your chores are done before dinner. If not, no dessert for you and your lady friend.
ALright, I have a confession to make. I’ve noticed I go into autopilot mode every time Frank is talking about his “feelings”. I’m like a total dude now, I just shut him out and nod my head. When/how did this happen? Franky, if you’re making ME shut you out...you MUST be an emotional wreck.
“We’re both at a point in our lives where we can get up and go anywhere.” Yes, it’s called being unemployed. Here are your food stamps.
Overall, date was good. Lots of laughs with the fam but Weatherman shows up out of nowhere (I swear he IS Houdini) and delivers a red flag. There could be one major penalty with their “relationship”. Here it is. Anyone else notice that Ali and Frank’s dad have the same nose. Are you sure you’re not related? This could be incestual.
Theme song: Lost in emotion by Lisa Lisa Cult Jam
Date gets 4 roses and a new sweater vest.
Final Rose Ceremony.
Ali is sitting with Chris having a little pow-wow and I notice nothing else but her shimmery pastel pink lipstick that is exactly matching her prom dress. Too matchy matchy Ali. Way too bed in a bag. Did you dye your shoes at Bakers to match the dress too? Ok fine, you looked good. It just looked like a care bear exploded on your lips. Hope it wasn’t Frank.
We know we’re all waiting for this, so here it goes.
Roses go to:
1)Roberto and his balls.
2)Chris (YAAAY, America can take a deep breath now)
...final rose goes to....the stuffed animals (not the kind you had when you were little folks, Daddy plays with real toys) or one emotional nightmare to go please?
3)Congratulations emotional basket case, you are the lucky winner.
(Please don’t cry)
Sorry Kirk please walk out with Ali as the tears of guilt roll down her face. Just kidding Ali, I know you were more scared that his dad was going to hang you on the wall with the rest of his ex-girlfriends. Kirk, just go home and cuddle with your toys that should make you feel better.
One word. Tahiti, Holllllaaa! Ok that was 2 but who cares because they’re off to the most romantic place on earth. No, not the basement. Been there done that and now we all have fleas.
(*a Flash funny)
“BABY! Be quiet while I’m talking!” Me Tarzan, you Jane.
If those are not the words of a man in love, I just don’t know what is. Props to Jake’s mother. She must have been proud of his performance last night.
Let’s be honest, how could we possibly sit through Ali making out in castles when we have a Vienna and Jake showdown to watch! Stop making this the BEST most DRAMATIC episode ever!
Two (and a half) things I never thought I would say:
1)I believe Vienna
a)Jake is DISGUSTING.
2)Ali you dodged a huge
Once upon a time...there was a girl named Ali, not sure if you’ve heard of her. She’s just been on this show for the last 5 weeks or so minding her biznatch until Jake shows back up and steals her thunder. Such a “fame whore” he is. Did you not feel manly enough dancing around in spandex on DWTS’s that you had to sashay back into our lives reinforcing your manhood with your clenched jaw and suppressed anger? Jake, do us a favor go fly over the Bermuda Triangle and look for Amelia Earhart. She’s the only one I know that will put up with your On The Wings of Love theme song.
And then there were “five men Ali could see a future with.” Really, because I see only 2, maybe 3 if I squint hard enough. This week there will be no roses on the dates, Chris says (and he is the God of the Bachelorette world). SO no roses, they’ll just drag some guy by the balls for a little bit longer. Yay for teamwork!
The five suitors run into their new dorm room and Ty, the liberal democrat, finds the first date card. (Yes people, there’s a brain between those ears). Oh that was mean, and uncalled for. I’m sorry Ty, I’ll get back to work on your casserole.
Date numero uno with Enrique Iglesias.
“Be the king of my castle” Is that a euphemism for your who-ha?? Wait, what the heck is a euphemism anyway? Oh no, now I sound like Vienna.
Poly-o-graph anyone?
Meanwhile Full of Fear Frank calls the date cute and romantic. Someone get him a snuggie, he’s looking to cuddle.
Back to the date.
After their improv photo shoot (cute, huh?) Ricky Martin grabs her passionately and swirls her around like he just dipped her in chocolate. Wait for it….he hears the music….the beat takes over him….he breaks out into the salsa in the middle of the street. Apparently, he can’t control himself; the music is running through his Latin blood. Oh please! Who actually (when cameras are not rolling) stops to dance in the middle of the street. He was basically humping her leg while whispering Español into her ear. Ok, you win. That would work for me.
After the trolley ride of the city, which they missed because they were making out the whole time, oh no worries though, like Ali said it’s just like San Francisco. Yes Lisbon, Portugal is just like San Francisco, they end up on what looks like the Great Wall of China. She makes him a cracker (yes I said, makes him a cracker) and says, this is the only thing I’ll ever make. Ty, did you hear that? Just making sure.
Suave tells her a bunch of pretty good lines
(judges, your totals please….we give him a 9.3)
all of which turn her natural spray tan (oxymoron?) into a luminous red glow. Poof! Just like that she morphed into the Kool Aid Kid. Well she is closer to Jesus being that high up on those steps, so that could have something to do with it. All I know is you're turning violet, violet.
As if he hasn’t had enough cheese (both going in and out of his mouth) he spews out some line of never having been with a woman like Ali. Music stops. Double take. What? Roberto, you’re hot. How is this possible? Where have you been looking? Iceland?
Next scene camera zooms into the fraternity house and Frank is holding a family meeting, probably to talk about his feelings. Again. When low and behold God (Chris?) knocks at the door and a new date card appears.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Jake.
Jake who?
Exactly.
Two on one date (no, not like that. This is a family show)
Frank and Ty, “let’s find our future in the past.” Frank leaves us with profound words of wisdom, “this absolutely sucks” That was deep. Almost as deep as the black hole this show is falling into.
Date starts off with typical helicopter action. Yawn, this is getting old, can we try something new perhaps a Teradactyl or something? Can we learn to train our dragons? Anything but a helicopter, that’s so 2009. They land at a castle where she tells them this was a gift from a king to his queen, (clearing throat). Translation, a diamond is just not gonna cut it guys, I demand a castle on my hand as well. Start digging boys.
What we find out on the date(s). Let me break it down for you.
1)It “tickles” Ty's pickle that she has ambitions and goals in life (I think he’s been stuck in Iceland with Roberto for too long)
2)Frank is really close with his family. So close that he still sleeps in his parents bed. Really? Who the heck thought he made enough money working as the Manager of Forever 21 to live on his own?
3)He wears a creepy thumb ring. Take that off immediately. You’re gonna give me nightmares.
BTW, of course Ali doesn’t care that Franky lives at home. She wears the pants anyway so he’ll just move in with her and Ty and be a stay at home mom for the both of them.
Date #3
Kirk, once upon a time……there was a princess who kissed a million frogs but still thought none of them liked her. Yay for confidence 101. Kasey is the teacher and will be giving free tattoos after completion of the course.
First half of date I fell asleep. Then Ken doll showed up in his canary yellow button down and Ali appeared sporting her starched (and I mean starched) white blazer that was about as stiff as Jake in part 2 of this drama filled show, I must have died and rolled off the boat from Nantucket. Muffy, tennis match at 3:00? Thank you daling, in the meantime I will continue to shove my entire face in Ali’s mouth, in the hopes that she will meet my tonsils and parents.
Date #4
Chris it’s your time to shine...Love get’s better with age. And hopefully your sexual chemistry with Ali. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Ok, so what if Chris can’t ride a horse or a moped? All that matters is that he can ride Ali...that is if they ever make it past the handshake phase. Wow, when did I become so aggressive? I’ve regressed into a prepubescent boy. Scary.
Biker Chris attempts (oh bless his heart) to man the moped but instead looks like a giraffe learning to walk. He’s going 5 mph, meanwhile my grandma and her walker are making circles around them, and yet he’s still afraid he’s gonna kill the Bachelorette. Chris, seriously step. It. Up!
Finally, his shell is starting to crack...humpty dumpty sat on the wall...and he gives her a gift. Aww, that was sweet. Even though it was slightly (that’s putting it nicely) awkward watching you kiss Ali not to mention talk in fragments. We. Will. Keep. You. Around. A. little. Longer. But. Please. Drink. A. bottle. Of. Wine. It. Has. To. Help. Or. I. will. Because. I. can’t. watch. You. be. nervous. anymore.
It just feels strange, and I’m uncomfortable. Do you need to practice on me a little?
Final Rose Ceremony
Customary guilt speech before she gives out the final roses...I really appreciate you being here, yadda, yadda, but I’m about to dump your ass...yadda yadda...
Here we go.
First rose goes to:
Chris. Please accept this rose and bottle/barrel of wine.
Next rose goes to:
Frank and his parents. Can’t wait to see your star wars bed sheets
Third rose goes to:
Roberto, because well, let’s face it. You’re hot. And Ali wants to pretend like she’s Cinderella for just a little bit longer. I don’t blame her. Giddy up girl!
Final Rose goes to:
Kirk
Oh Ty, it just wouldn’t have worked out. Ali has goals in life (well she did. Before she left her job at facebook) and in the long run, I just don’t see her carrying around the confederate flag. Would have cramped her style.
And there you have it, this weeks 2 hour, oops, hour and a half Bachelorette. We’re sorry we interrupt this regularly scheduled broadcast to bring you a real dose of reality.
This is the true story... (true story) of two strangers... picked to live in a bubble...make out and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being fake... and start getting real...Real World, Bachelorette style.
Nice transition Chris. One minute Ali is in dreamland, next minute enter happy newlyweds Jake and Vienna.
Popcorns popped, and here we go.
In one corner we have Jake - the man, the myth, the closet homosexual. Sporting a tan that makes George Hamilton look pale, he graces us with his presence and unbuttoned shirt (I just threw up in my mouth) while adorning an obnoxious smirk as if he’s hiding something (what could that be? Perhaps the strings you’ve attached to Vienna’s implants as if she’s a marionette?)
He starts off with the following lines, “you know what MAN” Ummm classy Jake. No, MAN, I don’t know what? Why don’t you tell us or better yet just keep acting like the control freak from Sleeping With The Enemy in the meantime. That speaks for itself.
(Crap, brb)
Phew, Ok all good. Had to straighten my bathroom towels…scared he might come over and yell at me.
Jake starts off talking about how the relationship went downhill. Dude, was it ever up? Ew, please don’t answer that.
Enter little Bo Peep and then awkward game of musical chairs as Jake circles around her like he’s honing in on his prey. I just wanted to stop the music right there, to see who would push who down first for the seat. Anyway, could that seating arrangement be any smaller? Next time, try a couch instead of a love seat especially if they’re breaking up...just sayyyyiiiiinngggg.
We come to find out the “love” only lasted for 1 month, then he turned into R2D2. Actually, scratch that, R2 has more heart and soul than he does. Did anyone else find him possessed? He seriously gave me chills. And yes, pigs now have wings because for once I actually believed Vienna. That poor girl is never going to work at Hooters again; she’s terrified of men now. Jake you managed to stay single for thirty something years, then you turn you ex-fiancé into a lesbian. Is that at all related to your attempt to figure out your own sexuality? I’m just wondering. I do have a couple guys for you..Oh F that. I forgot you’re an emotional abuser who likes to project your suppressed anger onto everyone else. Sorry “man” no chicks or d*cks for you.
I think (for moral reasons of course) that I should tell you all about my other profession. I’m actually a trained therapist, yes it’s true, so here’s my professional diagnosis of Jake:
Asshole
(clearly, with a small pecker)
That sums it up. Thank god for years of schooling.
You know...it’s always the quiet ones that you have to be careful of...He makes Kasey look like the best catch! Kasey, call me. Hope your tattoo is healing. So is my heart.
Alright, that was enough fluff, I’m just gonna lay it all out. Jake if you ever read this, (because I hear you’re into tabloids and blogs) please take note and check yourself into the psych ward immediately. Better yet, fly your ass on over to Promises, isn’t it a rehab place for B list celebrities? You’re for sure gonna start drinking soon, your downward spiral starts riiiiiight. Now.
Dearest Jake,
I have some news for you, you are a control + freak= control freak. Thank you for showing the world your true colors in your subtle (and not so subtle ways). You’re right, Vienna was toooootally emasculating you when she wanted to re-measure the dresser. No dude, it’s called being a woman, we love to decorate. Deal with it. I hope I never have to see your face on e-harmony especially that creepy smirk of yours and don’t worry I’m working on Kirk’s dad adding you to his basement collection. Please check yourself, before you wreck yourself. (Wtf did I even mean by that?)
Sincerely,
some random chick that hopefully will never end up on a plane that you’re flying.
...But, if for some reason I do, did I mention this was all a joke and you’re my hero. (Dear God, I hate flying and will fear it even more if Jake is ever my pilot. Let’s hope I have a good dose of Xanax if that day ever comes...and for my friends that have seen me fly on horse tranquilizers..oh yes, that’s a good time had by all)
I’m gonna end with this. If Jake is any indication of the type of men who are single. Then please just drive me to the nearest sperm bank. Hello, party of hopefully not Octuplets.
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