Rated D for Douche

...99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer, take one down, pass his girlfriend around, 98 bottle of beer on the wall. Yup another one bites the dust...

Oh, Istanbul Turkey. Land of beautiful architecture, Turkish baths and multiple girlfriends. With an aerial shot of the city and the phallic symbols of the minarets and steeples on the Hagia Sophia (oh bet you didn’t think I knew that did ya?) the episode starts with a bang or shall I say a lost dog running around the city with his tail tucked between his legs.

First scene: Ali in hotel room. “I don’t think anything can go wrong at this point”………Knock Knock. (Enter Chris Harrison) duh duh duh dummmmmmm
Chris: Ali, I have some bad news to report
Ali: Oh no, is my spray tan coming off?
Chirs: Oh God no, you still look fierce baby. But we do have a douchebag alert on aisle 2.
Ali: (Silence)….Eye balls popping out of her head
Chris: Let me make a call on this strange device they call a land line. One of your former castmates, Jessie (you know the girl who never said anything) well she’s talking now and knows Rated R has girlfriend back home.
Ali: (Eyeballs still popping out of head)

[ring, ring…ring…ring…ring…ring…ring…..for god sake pick up already, Ali’s eyeballs are hanging on by a thread]

Jessie: Hello (in a casual voice as if she has no clue who’s calling)
Chris: Jessie, this is Chris Harrison. I have Ali here and she would like to use her lifeline.
Jessie: Hi Ali, it’s me Jessie, remember me? We were both fighting for that loser Jake and he picked Vienna over us. Well at least they’re happy together. Oops. Anyway, back to the topic. Funny enough I have a Rated R’s girlfriend here (it’s a small world after all...) and she wants to chit chat.

Rated R’s bitch: Hi (sniff sniff) Ali (sniff sniff). Rated R and I have been banging for years now, we’re in love, we’re getting married. I’m going to have his babies. They’re names are going to be Rated S, T & L. But he’s doing this to get famous because he has no talent of his own. Oh and btw he has another girlfriend, it’s the ring girl (sniff sniff sniff). I’m so sorry, at first I thought it was OK to have him go on a dating show and pretend like he likes you. Yes, at first it made SO much sense. But then after Rated R called me 100 times a day I realized that he’s crazy and maybe this was not a good idea…yeah.. maybe not so good. I’m so sorry, but wanna hang out when you get back and we’ll get a mani and pedi?
Ali: (Eyeballs back inside sockets after realizing she didn’t give a crap about this guy anyway) Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry you’ve had the unfortunate experience of knowing him the last couple years..he's scary...strange...and he needs a new wrestling name asap. Peace out!

And with that you can see the fire in Ali’s eyes. She storms off to the guys room and doesn’t even hesitate for a second. Lines them up (release the firing squad, they have those in Turkey right?) and starts in on him.

You can tell a lot about someone by the way they respond to a situation and his response spoke volumes. (Am I channeling Mother Teresa or something?)

Annnnnnnnd he’s off. Grabs his passport and wallet and he’s down the hall, in the lobby, climbing over waterfalls, over hedges, limping faster than he’s ever limped before (how much is he HATING his broken leg right now!). he’s a bird, he’s a plane… no he’s pathetic. Camera loses him, Ali’s yelling obscenities. Where’s Waldo? We lose him. And then he’s found. He limps over to Ali and sits there with his head down, no eye contact and says…..uhhuhh, stutter, stutter….she’s not my giiiirrrrllllll (stutter) frrieeennnndd. Actually I don’t even know what he was saying; I wasn’t even listening to him at that point. He needed to stop while he was ahead. He was making Tiger look like an honest man.
At that point Ali should have given him a donkey, a life vest and sent him on his way. Happy trails...to you....

Voicemail playing in the background while he was making his great escape from Alcatraz. Priceless. There was more emotion in the Gettysburg Address then the crap that was coming out of his mouth to his girlfriend or friend, whoever she was (rolling eyes). It was as if he was reading off a teleprompter. Well at least we know he doesn’t have that going for him either.

Survey says - Rated career/love life over.

Moral of the story: The truth shall set you free or pin you up against the wall and make you look like a sociopath. I think Jesse James is looking for a friend these days, I’ll hook you two up.

Too bad too because Kasey could have had one more day in paradise. But then again he would have probably looked like Rated R’s new BFF (man that guy gets around) by then and god forbid would have recorded a whole album already. Can’t believe I’m saying this but thank you Rated R, thank you for saving the day and my ears one limp at a time.

Enough with him and his shananagans. (woah I sound like my grandma) Now back to real life. Ali has a fiancé to hunt down.

One on one date with Ty. “Let’s get steamy and tie (so clever) each other up”

Ali’s waiting in the city for Ty, looking slightly like a butch lesbian in that vest and collar shirt and Ty shows up wearing a Mercedes Benz emblem looking thing around his neck. WTF was that?

One word on their date. Awesome. The Turkish bath was pretty amazing, the architecture, the history, the massaging going on between them. Heaven! Ty I don’t know if it’s the architecture I’m falling in love with or you? Where did you come from? My mind is definitely playing tricks on me. And your ears don’t even look big anymore. Ok it must be love. And yes he’s planning their honeymoon already. What?! And wait, he’s been married? What, what?! When did I miss that one? Oh well, at least he got the first one out of the way. I think divorced men are like a good pair of broken in shoes. You don’t even want to put them on right away because you know they’re too stiff and will hurt you. You need one that has walked around a little and is broken in already. Better they mess up with the first one then with you and then they’re ready to go, for real. Unless of course that person got divorced because. she. Gulp. worked? Wait, women work? They’re not barefoot and preggers in the kitchen? I see a red flag emerging from behind the clouds (weatherman you should have warned us). Remember I am the relationship expert. I’m just saying...Ali will not be ok with Ty holding back her free spirit. But hey, I think Jake is available now and if I remember correctly he told us 100 times how traditional he was. I mean he did pick Virginia, I mean Vienna.

Group Date:
Chris (finally don’t need to use his last name anymore)
Craig
Roberto
Kirk

Olive Oil Wresting? Are you kidding? This is my dream date. The Olive Oil, not the wrestling. I loooooooooooooove Olive Oil. For once I’m not joking people. Oh and side note ladies. Olive oil is a great face and hair mask. It works wonders. Back to this blog, the beauty blog will be the next endeavor. Rated single, you’re so pissed you missed this one aren’t you?

“I fight with words not my body”. I do too Craig, it’s called being a bitch.

Craig 1, Chris 0
Roberto 1, Kirk 0

Salsa vs. the electric slide. And the electric slide prevails!
Not much to say on their date, it was fun for Ali...like it’s fun to hang out with your brother...you know...

Next one on one date with Full of Feelings Franky.

They start their date off with a little shopping and Frank is just so happy to be with Ali he would even try on a ridiculous hat and does not care. Or better yet buy a rug. I’m not going to buy it, I’m not going to buy it, I’m not, I’m not, I’m not. Ok fine. Will you roll it up for me? He will need it to fly back to the U.S. when he gets scared and runs away. (hey that’s what the previews are showing us) And since he's such a nice guy he'll pick up Rated R and his donkey, and then swing by Iceland to dig Kasey out of the glacier. He’s still lying there trying to figure out what he did? Was it his singing? Couldn’t be the tattoo. Nope. Not that.

They arrive at their destination for dinner and in the words of ex bachelor Jason “Amazing”. Dude, not fair, I’d even fall in love with Ali there. So romantic, the candles, the water, the architecture. Ali, there's something I need to tell you...

So like Moses they walk through the water and get to their dinner. Frank and Ali are all smiles (I’m sure the wine has nothing to do with it) and Frank says he feels out of touch with his feelings. Let’s see. Artsy, creative, emotional….can we say Pisces?? (Meanwhile the drips of water in the background are making me have to pee) Frank, I have to say, I love your vulnerability. Keep it up. (Fist pump) Oh no, Ali starts up with Frank has the potential to break her heart. But she gives him the rose and her vajayjay (oops that’s for later).

Rose ceremony and cocktail party. Siiiiiiiike. She already knows who’s being fired, no need to bs, just get to the point.

6 guys, 5 roses, who will stay, who will go? (I’ve been dying to say that. Wow need to get out more)

Ty and Franky Panky have roses so first rose goes to...
Roberto. Now put the rose in your mouth and do the Tango.

Second rose goes to...
Chris (you look beautiful btw, he tells her. Awww, ok here’s 2 roses for you)

Final rose goes to...
Kirk - they haven’t made out in a while, what’s going on?

Sorry Craig, don’t think you can argue or wrestle your way out of this one. You know we’re getting serious now when she walks him out. He’s the first. The next one to be walked out will stop half way before they get to the limo and take a seat on a strategically placed bench in the middle of a rainforest or desert, wherever they may be.

Poor guy, he honestly looked really sad. Don’t worry dude, once again you’re 27, in man years that’s like 14. Just go on match and bang some chicks, you’ll bounce back. Ohhh and he doesn’t even get a limo, he gets a minivan. Who’s driving? Weatherman why do you keep popping up?

Off to Portugal they go, living the dream and guarding and protecting Ali’s heart one country at a time.

Credits:
I would like to thank the $3.99 bottle of Trader Joes Pinot Grigio for making all of the above words possible.