Don’t cry for me Argentina....

...unless you’re Roberto then please, please cry...in espanol...and don’t stop!

I’m all about men showing emotion, however, (comma) please have a real reason otherwise you just look like a pansy. Yup, I said pansy.

First date was with Roberto, I wanna salsa with you, Cavalli. Yummy, I’ll take 2 to go please.

The date starts off with you know, typical helicopter action picking you up. In all seriousness, ok not really serious at all, it’s unfortunate that more guys don’t watch the Bachelorette because they really need to step it up a notch with dates now. Gone are the days when the guy comes to pick you up at your house in his Honda. Nowadays, if Mr. date man doesn’t pick us up in his helicopter and float us through the sky like a magic carpet ride as we overlook the Hollywood sign we’re thinking...he’s just not that into us for sure. (kidding, all normal men please continue to apply.)

Back to the low-key first date. The helicopter drops them off on top of a building and they have to walk across a tight rope in order to get their dinner. (Once again, normal.) All I want to know is what producer paid Ali to say “Are you ready to fall for me” before they started walking the line. Barf. So cheesy, I definitely needed some wine with that.

I was however very impressed with Roberto’s smoooooothness of kissing her in the middle of the tight rope. Note to men, if you want to ensure that the girl is going to be putty in your arms please follow these simple rules:
1) Make sure to kiss her 1000 ft up in the air. Definitely the way to lock her in emotionally. Cha-ching!
2) Do the good ‘ol hug around the back, arms around you and say (as you are watching an incredible sunset) “I really hope to watch a lot more of these with you.”

Ok Roberto, you win, I’m falling for you! Roberto 50 pts. all other guys currently zero.

Pssst, Ali the back of your bra was showing during your date.

First group date begins with the following specimens:
Kirk
John C
Chris
Frank
Jonathan
Rated R
Jesse
Chris L
Craig
...Come rock Ali’s world...

Before I begin the group date did anyone else hear Kasey in his interview? He did NOT just say I would love to show Ali my voice a little bit (regarding singing) ummmmm, are my ears clean? Who else picked up on that? (Deer in headlights look)

Barenaked. Ladies. Are they still alive? It’s kinda like a child star doing a slim shake commercial. Capital A for Awkward? Yes, no? So as they are making a music video for their comeback. Or maybe they never even left? I have no idea.

I think there was a little foreshadowing with John C. Poor little gay man, he was the only one that did not have any contact with Ali. Classic. John I love you, let’s go shopping but you got that scene because you’re gay. Pass it on.

The weatherman, WTF! Houston we have a problem on many levels.

First, what was that whale like/mating call sound that came out of your mouth, or nose. I’m not even sure. Once again if you DVR’d it go back when you are having a bad day and replay. It will be sure to make you laugh, and snot may even come out of your nose if your lucky.

Second, poor guy couldn’t even kiss her and he cries. Ali felt so bad that the guys were laughing she had to take charge. (red flag #34234234. Last time I checked Ali was looking for a dude not a chick. Her having to take charge of the situation…..Roberto 50, Weatherman -10. Oops forgot the mating call noise. Weatherman -20.) Third, weatherman once again TMI. Rocket ship? Explosion? What, in your pants? Gross, gross, gross. -85

Not much else to say about the really cool music video other than Kirk (is that his name?) and Ali missed the memo and thought they were making a porn. I almost wanted to pause to get a bag of popcorn. After party (at hotel lobby) continues with the makeout session in the hot tub (hot tub makeout session reminds me of my girl Jillian, cheers to my homegirl. Hope her and Eddie magic pants are doing well).

So the Rose for that evening goes to drumroll...
Ron Jeremy, I mean Kirk. Kirk, please accept this rose and use it as the set decoration in our next porn. Btw, have they ever even talked? Or just kissed? Oh well, whatever makes you happy Ali, I’m just here for the entertainment.

Ok, I have to be honest, I’m torn. I really can’t decide if Rated R just crossed over into stalkervilleland (please stay for a while and boil some bunnies) or if that was a good move on his part. I’m gonna say, hmmmm...way to tap into the nostalgia with the pictures of the fam. Rated R is now PG-13, please stay tuned with more to come on this character.

Back at the ranch the date card comes for Hunter. Ali picks him up in her oversized, non flattering T-shirt. Clearly she is excited about this one. On the date Hunter basically tells Ali, you go out, bring home the Bacon and I’ll stay home and wipe the kid’s butts. Yeah, that went over well. Ali was so bored in the hot tub she’s playing “ping-pong in her head” (Flashman original).

Not much else happened on the date, besides the crickets chirping in the background so I’ll just get to the most dramatic moment. Ali to Hunter: “I don’t think there is a strong romantic connection. But thank you for being so great.” Ohhh low blow to Hunter. Please leave your balls at the door, do not pass go and do not collect $200. Thank you for flying Ali Airlines. To top it off Ali kicked him where it counts again at the Rose ceremony as she toasts “to Hunter” basically for being a loser. Aww Hunter I think you’re swell. Oops just punched you a third time. Damn.

Only thing really worth mentioning at the cocktail party was Kasey calling PG-13 creepy. Let me get this right, HE called HIM creepy?? (Insert crickets in background from Ali and Hunters date)

Final roses go to:
Chris L
Jesse (thank you for dressing up for the occasion, didn’t mean to bother you when you were laying drywall)
Chris N (Who are you and how did you get here?)
Ty (ditto)
Kasey
Frank (passion fruit)
Weatherman (what? total sympathy card there)
PG-13
Craig R. (red speedo man)

And it turns out the Village people don’t get a rose (Steve and John C.) Sorry guys, see you in Miami. Let’s meet up at Dash.