But besides the hotness I’m still waiting for her to find her personality. I mean she is so sweet, yes. But how much of that is just an act because she’s 26 and is still discovering who she really is? Ummm hello, I know…I’m sometimes wicked smaaat like Dr. Phil. Don’t hate me because I'm naturally beautiful (meaning my teeth are real) and have a personality oh and because I don’t drink the kool-aid...but mainly because I can't find it yet.
Before I really begin I would like to welcome her newly plumped lips to the show. Thank you for joining us. I hope they come with a warranty because they're gonna have a lot of wear and tear by the time they're done emasculating the men just like with Brady baby.
And I don’t know if our little Rickie? Ricky? (who knows) is the inspiration or what but now whenever I see Emily I can’t get a certain commercial out of my head….however instead of Ovaltine all I can think of is …..more restylane pleeeeaaassseee.
xoxo
I will first start of with 2 shocking and dramatic things that have already occurred this season. First we have a honorary black man in the house. No pun intended. (I kid, settle down). And we have a race car driver. Way to go for the jugular while you’re at it. But he’s hot, so we will keep him around and watch her call him Ricky…just once…ok I bet at least twice. But I won’t lie, I like where this show is going. Maybe soon they will have me on as the Medium and I will talk to Ricky for Emily….I can totally incorporate that into my blogging too. The possibilities are endless.
Where were we?
That was random. But then again you’re used to that by now.
I’ve realized the Bachelor/Bachelorette and Facebook have a lot in common and that is, all of the above have nothing to do with reality. On Facebook everyone is living the “f’ing” dream. Their life is SO perfect and wonderful and in Bachelor land it’s the ONLY place (apparently) where so many men are dying to get married AND be with a single mother. Yeah like that happens all the time. “Hey ladies, single, attractive, wealthy male here ONLY looking for baby mamma drama." Yup. Welcome to reality at its finest.
So for the first time in “Bachelorette history” (echo: bachelorette history) she gets to live at home. How nice. But that’s not what I’m talking about.
What I did notice is how when they showed her getting ready and putting on her makeup she literally was like a Disney princess sitting there in her padded makeup chair with blush brush in hand and applying it to her already blushifed (my new word) cheeks. Really? Is that actually a glimpse of her daily morning routine…with a kid? Because I don’t even have a child and let me tell you how my morning goes…slam down alarm and jump out of bed after realizing I’ve been snoozing for 1 hr. Yes, 1 hour. Holy shit. Then as I’m “applying my blush” I am not sitting in my make up chair, I’m literally running throughout my house looking for anything to wear and cursing that I didn’t pick up my work clothes yet from the cleaners. (side note: they are not responsible for anything left after 90 days…translation: I see a shopping trip in my future). Meanwhile I’m shoveling a bagel in my mouth. Wait, no way, too many carbs. I’m shoving a banana in my mouth (you have such a dirty mind) while I’m texting my boss that I’m going to be late due to “traffic” …in…LA….ummm….never mind. Used that one before. Point being, I wish I was as graceful as our dear Princess Emily appears to be in the morning because even with a child she’s got mad skills. Props to you Cinderella, I’m more like your wicked step sister after a night of partying. Classy, I know.
Back to the show.
I know we’re into the whole southern thing this year but that doesn’t mean she needed to knock off Britney Spears outfit from the 2000 American Music Awards. They’re twins. Why that sticks out in my head 12 years later I have no idea. I may need professional help.
Too many men, too little time.
But a few did jump out at me. Meanwhile I would have preferred Doug to jump on me but beggars can’t be choosers. And yes, based on Chris Harrison’s recent announcement I was actually waiting for him to come out of one of the limos. How awesome would that have been? “Hey blondie, you come here often?”
So let’s see…guy on skateboard. Hmmm, Emily already has a child. She’s not looking for another. Oh, enter our friend and honorary black man. Someone must have not told him they were filming in the south. (Oh please, as if you weren’t thinking it yourself). Whatever, I’m spiritual, I love everyone. But I’m here to write what YOU won’t. Now leave me alone. I have more people to bash.
Umm, in the meantime just keep saying Gracias to the guy from Brazil. We will now always wonder if you’re a real blonde. Yes. We. Will.
What’s up with “Prince Charming ?” Yeah, please keep holding that pillow right over your schlong like you’re reenacting "dick in a box". JT has nothing on you.
Side note: Men with kids really do it for me for some reason, strange I know. But hello Dougie. Come home to mama! (Again, I’m strange. You knew this).
The grandma shtick…Yeah that went over well.
That was weird.
So am I.
But at least I’m funny.
Next subject.
Can we talk about the song writer. He’s pretty talented and we know it’s true because his whole song contained only one word - “Emily”.
Amazing. He’s going places and I hope to not be at any of them.
Dear Mr. John Wolf. Please listen and listen closely. The whole “Wolf” thing is funny, if you’re a male and in a fraternity. No woman wants to call their man by:
1) their last name
2) an animal..unless it’s pooh bear or cuddle bug.
“Wolf” is a GUY thing. You clearly have a lot to learn about women. Go back to your hunting ground and read some books. Read: Emily needs a man, not a wolf. She already poked the bear last season. And clearly that went over well.
The whole egg thing? Not sure about that. Did he just see Ovo?
Oh but there’s more..."Coming into this I was scared that you guys wouldn't be into me.”
Oh please “Emilia” They were all humping the TV when they saw you the first time. And they’re all about to pre-cum in their brand new Men's Wearhouse suits (sans the “luxury brand consultant”). You’re fine Vanna White, you’re fine.
Roses go to:
First rose goes to my man Doug. Ok I take it back, she does have a brain. It's just partly frozen from her morning OJ.
Defrost baby, defrost.
Chris - he has potential
Ryan – you can tell she’s into him. But he kinda creeps me out. Not sure why yet.tbc.
Helicopter man..boy..man…child..not sure
Arie – race car driver (awkward but his face makes up for it)
Charlie and his linen suit
Jeff
Nate
Shawn – have an interesting feeling about this one, again. tbc.
Joe
Kyle
Alejandro
Someone I missed
John
Alessandro - Gracias. From Brazil
Michael – but mainly because she wants to know what shampoo makes your hair bounce like that.
Stevie – Green leprechaun. Shocker. He’ll be gone soon. Oops.
Tony - OY! The charming man. There must be a recession going on.
Travis and his egg. Yup, that’s gonna get old. Fast. Give it to me please. Mine are already dried up. Thanks.
And the sexy black man goes home. But he’s hot and lives in LA. Call me.
Umm man with SIX kids. Goes home. Surprise? No not really.
But WTF! I seriously thought he was joking.
That’s all for now, until the next time when Emila drops the F bomb...and maybe in Spaniguese.
Can’t wait for her to go bat shit on these guys. God I love trashy TV. I can feel it lowering my vibration right now. Good times.
PS- Hi Brad, I hope you enjoyed the show…and sharpening your knives. Poke poke, you silly bear you.
