What we learned this week: There is a God and Ali has CRAZY eyes. I’m scared. Hold me.

Episode 2 started with a new cameraman, clearly. Anyone else feel like they were watching Blair Witch Project? I got a little motion sickness but nothing a bottle of wine couln't cure. (Hope my trainer didn't read that).

The 1st one-on-one date was with Mr. I’m so passionate Frank who we come to find out is a “Manager of a retail store” meaning he works at Charlotte Russe. Hey, I’m not judging…just calling it like it is. Ali jumps up and down excited for her first date o’passion in her lucky yellow top. And in customary Bachelorette fashion all the men bid farewell to Ali and her first victim looking like they just greased their bodies with a jar of KY.

So, Ali and passion fruit are on their date when low and behold the car breaks down. Thank God out of all the guys on the show she is in the car with the guy who wrote the book on how to be a Metrosexual - don’t think Mr. artsy farsty is checking the hood anytime soon. The car breaks down on the freeway and they decide to ditch it and skip their way into a taxi. All I’m saying is next time my car breaks down on the 405 I’m gonna do the same thing and I know that when I return 1) it will be there (in one piece) 2) The engine will be fixed. Yes again, there is a GOD! Phew

I have to point out that I love(sarcasm) how Ali says “Frank just went with it” referring to how he went with the flow when the car broke down. Earth to Ali…you are on a TV show, the guy didn’t have to do more than burp for a taxi to show up and remember there is a God, so the car will magically be fixed by the time you guys are ready to make out on the hood. Please have more common sense than to judge how he will react in real life. Oh wait. This is real life. I forgot. You’re good. Frank, I don’t know how to fix your tank, is your man.

One last thing about Mr. Poisonberry passion. He says it’s the best first date of his life. No shit. You’re on the Bachelorette. We can replace Ali with Shrek and it would probably still be the best first date of your life. Sorry, Mr. Wet Seal, I’m sure that after your date you went back to your room and made a vision board with Ali’s picture on it. Can tooooootally see you doing that.

So far Frank hearts Ali. Ali finds him exciting, new, fresh, not obsessed with his career like she was. Everything she wants to be… but can’t. So, for now she will lead him around like a puppy. But what the hell do I know? Last time I checked I wasn’t the relationship master so moving on...

Sexy guy Calendar photo shoot. Log onto ABC.COM to purchase yours now. (barf) but it is for charity so do it! I already bought mine. It’s hanging on my wall and I stare at it as I play “On the wings of love”, gets me in the mood every time.


So much to say about this photo shoot but I will summarize:

1) Newsflash: weatherman admits he has a small package. (Between him and Shooter, where did they get these guys?!?!)
2) OMG to Craig R. in his red speedo. If you DVR'd it. Replay, it's worth it!
3)Guitar boy. sorry dude, but you weren’t even that good.
4)Craig M.= stranger danger. More to come on this public service announcement

Ok so we’re done with the Chippendales for now and move on to Ali and Jesse’s date in Vegas. Classy. I don’t know…usually the whole contractor/construction worker thing does it for me but I’m not feeling Jesse. Not one bit. Ali however is and I really don’t have much more to say about that considering I’m not sure how much he has going on upstairs. Surprise us Jesse. Show us you’re wicked smaaaat or at least let me see you in a tool belt then I will decide.

Next up, something new and exciting happened. Weatherman gets bullied by Craig M. Waterboy, I mean weatherboy WE GET IT. You don’t like Craig M. Enough. I’m exhausted from you already.

Cocktail party/rose ceremony highlight:

Ali got major points in my book for calling Craig M. out on his loco-ness! That was a total Danielle move, no bullshit. I love it! Oh wait, this blog is not about me. Go Ali go.


Rose ceremony:

OK, I think I have all the guys that got a rose...honestly, I don’t even really know...so far it’s kinda a snoozefest and these guys are making the ones on Jdate look good. Scary. Oy.

And here we go...
Kasey (voice?) someone please tell me if there is something seriously wrong before I make fun of him because I don’t want God to punish me and the weatherman told me there is a God.
Hunter
Roberto (how do you say shocker in espanol?)
Chris L (yay)
Rated R
Steve (who are you?)
Kirk
Jon C. (Once again, I hate to be the one to tell you…but you’re gay. Sorry buddy you just are.)
Craig R (Red Speedo man)
Chris N (who are you as well?)
Weather man

Sorry to Tyler. But you’re 25. You’ll bounce back.

Craig M. you’re gross and a bully. I think the producers should have shaved your head and watched you cry like a baby.

Umm think someone else went, but I don’t even know who you are...sorry. I’m sure you’re great just like Craig M.

And there you have it. Episode 2 in a nutshell, but definitely not the weatherman's nuts.