Roses are red, violets are romantic. We can’t understand Kasey in English so how the heck are we supposed to in Icelandic?

Is that even a language?

And with that we start off the new episode with a love poem competition. Oh boy. Here we go. Eggs and Ham and meet the fam, Oh Chris L, you’re too cute.

Chris N. dude, it was a verbal competition not a staring contest. Ad-libbing only works if you actually have things to say. Next time write. it. down.

Frank, we’re learning, is like a puppy dog that you can teach tricks to. Case #1) He walks up to Ali while reciting the poem. Lesson learned from Roberto Sauvé himself. Good job Spot, but next time Frank baby, please don’t cross your legs as you’re reciting poetry - it takes away from your masculinity. And as a passionate Manager of Contempo Casuals we know you need all you can get.

Let’s cut to the chase, winner of Shakespearian/Icelandic/poetry reading was porn star himself Mr. Kirk! Congratulations you win a one on one date with Jenna Jameson. Kidding, sorry to burst your bubble.

First date was cute, lots of fun in the sweater shop. Loved the matching sweaters, even better that they were hideous. We saw another side of Kirk at dinner and made me (oh and Ali) love him even more. Turns out he was very sick, went through some serious emotional and physical trauma but it made him revaluate his priorities in life. I’m not even going to say anything bad here. That's just messed up. You go Kirk! Back to business...and so that convo was sealed with a kiss...and a little clothes grabbing...and a little face stroking...hollllaaaa...it’s getting hot in here!

Back at the igloo Frank and Kasey are talking (they’re friends?) and Kasey confesses two big shockers:

1)He got a tattoo to be ‘something’
2)And that something was to be a man.
(Apparently folks he was a women before. That would explain the voice)


Onto group date with:
Roberto
Chris L
Chris N
Craig
Ty
Frank the tank

That leaves the two on one with Rated annoying and Charlie Brown’s teacher.

Group date

Horse back riding on ice. Wait, they have horses in Iceland? Wonder what language they speak? Ty rises from the dead and takes the lead on the group date. Well hello Cowboy, about freakin time. Giddy up. I’ve (I mean we’ve) been waiting for you to show up in your hazmat outfit (please return it to me asap, I’m in need of my go to date outfit) on your white horse/midget/horse looking donkey/thingy and save the day.

While Ty is busy lassoing Ali up, our boy Frank is busy feeling sorry for himself.
Then she tells him flat out I don’t know you exist on group dates. Slap! Ouch, that hurts but we know Frank is resilient like a puppy. All I can say about Ali and Frank is that Ali is definitely going to wear the pants; she might in fact even wear the jockstrap too.

The evening commences in the blue lagoon filled with healing properties and later that evening I’m sure lots of sperm. We learn that Ali is drunkies and likes to kiss lots of boys. Dejavu? After much anticipation the rose goes to...Ty and his ears. Congratulations you guys make a great pair. Your ears that is...not you and Ali.

Meanwhile the other guys are "devastated" that the rose went to his ears and a couple of them talk about how they are ready to propose and want to be the one at the end. REALLY? It’s been 3 weeks. Who are you people? Are you from Mars? You clearly aren’t from Cali or any other state that I’ve lived in for that matter. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many men dying to take the plunge. This is truly a phenomenon...there must be something in the water, ew hope it’s not the sperm.

Insert Hilton Hotel brand placement.

One on One date:
Let’s explore the land of fire and ice. Translation, Kasey let’s go bobsledding off a short glacier and Wrestler why don’t I watch you body slam the volcano. Yup sounds like a good time had by all.

Kasey shows up in his cute little Burberry scarf. How Metro of you and the Wrestler, sans crutches and sans girlfriends (apparently...says US Weekly...and they’re always right)

What appears to be a pretty amazing moment of them circling an active volcano unfortunately gets masked with Kasey and his nonstop babbling/commentary of the eruption (in detail) and I mean every detail. Kasey, you’re not Morgan Freeman and this is not a documentary on March of the Penguins. Zip it, no one understands you anyway.

As if we haven’t heard enough he goes off on another tangent of how this could possibly be his future wife. Who, the Wrestler? Aww, you’d make a great couple. I’ve basically come to the conclusion that Kasey is like a wind up Chuckey doll that says “I’ll guard and protect, I’ll guard and protect. Tattoo...tattoo, I’ll guard and protect. Here’s my heart jump in.” Yikes!! Poor boy, he’s definitely marching to the beat of his own drum...and banjo...and ukulele.

Shocker number two, the rose goes to the Wrestler AND Rated R? Ew you love yourself...get over it. Stop talking about yourself like you’re Hulk Holgan. No one was as cool as he was...in 1981. What year is it now?

Have to say for not having prior experience in dealing with mental patients I truly think Ali handled the divorce quite well. Her look said it all! Then she says, I don’t want to change you and what should have come out next, ummm I just want you to get away from me. Like now. Where’s a DSM manual when you need one? Hope they lined up a shrink and kept him on a 24 hr mandatory tattoo shop watch. She bids farewell, runs to the helicopter and like a bird flys far far away from him...basically gets the F out of dodge. See ya...wouldn’t want to be ya!

Final Rose Ceremony/Cocktail Party

What not to wear award goes to Kirk and his sweater. But he gets bonus points for his cuteness. Roberto you definitely have sauvé competition now. Step it up Latin Lover or step on over to my casa.

Frank’s potty training paid off. Case #2) He stepped it up by being the first to pull Ali aside for some one on one time. (Weatherman are you watching? Ask your mom or grandma, whoever you’re watching with, to get you a pen and paper and take notes. And please for the love of God stop drawing little hearts with Ali’s name in it. This too shall pass)

Craig got MAJOR points with one of the funniest lines in Bachelorette history. Although how hard is that? You're a funny man aren't you! Nice tattoo drawing on your arm. Hysterical!

Get ready. "I have silly side." Well I like Mexican food...I love teddy bears (oops, wrong contestant) and I do a really great deer in headlights impression. Wow Chris N. I wonder if you’re going to get a rose? (Deer in headlights look).


Final roses go to:

Frank Puppy dog Passion
Chris L (the original cowboy)
Roberto (where did you go? come back)

Ty, Kirk, and Rated-Go-home have roses already so that leaves...

Craig and his tattoo

Sorry Chris N. you and your funny personality get the boot. And his final words...”I’m at a loss for words” How appropriate. Maybe English wasn’t his first language, perhaps Icelandic?

Hope the limo had seat warmers, your tush is gonna need it.

Side note: I really want to know who’s the shmuck who sits in the limo and asks these broken hearted men (I mean aren’t they? This is/was your future wife for God sake) how they feel after they get dumped. Wait, are they hiring? Maybe I can get a job?

Now off to Turkey where hopefully the making out will be stepped up a notch. They're open with that kind of stuff aren't they?

Fskfjsd isjfjsldkjf Ali dfsdfsfjd ldjlsfjd sfjskldfjsldkfjslfj.
That’s’ Icelandic for Ali I will always guard and protect your heart.