Who is the biggest loser in the house? (Can we use the back of the paper if we run out of room Chris?)

“Can we quit bending over and blowing smoke up each others' asses?” Thank you Wes for amazing words. I swear you work for Hallmark.

Sorry about last week my dear dedicated fan(s?). Things are getting back to normal but don’t worry my blogs will be nothing of that sort.

In one corner we have Wes, in the other corner we have Dave. Together they make one great big jackass. Hmm I see a theme, interesting. Why am I talking about asses again?
Who knows, maybe it’s the characters…..not sure….

Oh wait, before we begin we’re gonna show Wes making out with himself in the Jacuzzi. Actually we’re going to show you about 5 different scenes of this because we need to fill up some time.

First competition: let the Special Olympics begin.

Now we’re playing Family Feud? How fitting. This is kind of an example of a typical dysfunctional American family huh? It kind of broke my heart that they didn’t all strike a pose in the beginning like they do on the show. How cool would that have been? Tenley so wanted to be on top of the pyramid.

Survey says….How many people think this show is a bust? Ding ding ding! We have a winner. Kidding, you’re all great. Really. Please don’t change. It helps my material.

So let’s see how quickly we can make everyone cry by reenacting a scene out of mean girls. Here’s a tissue Tenley, I know how you like to be ahead of the game.

On a side note, I’ve noticed that Melissa is really great with her hand gestures. If this gig doesn’t work out I think she’d make a great
a) Traffic Guard
b) Flight Attendant.

You go girl, you can do whatever you set your mind to. Even getting engaged 5 days after you were dumped. Rock on.

Here we go…

Who is going to win this competition?
Kiptyn

Who is your biggest enemy?
Wes meet Dave, Dave meet Wes.

Who is the most shallow?
Come on now, this game is getting too easy.
Elizabeth, can you use shallow in a sentence please?
“I don’t even know what that means.”


Wow…

Who is the dumbest?
Oh, I know, I know…..
Natalie, thank you for playing. Oh wait, Gwen? Where did you come from? I thought it was just that you were shy….I didn’t realize it was because you were “special”

Which person do most people in the house have a crush on?
Melissa? Probably, we all know guys want what they can’t have. Well since she doesn’t count, Dave thinks it’s Dave? How egocentric of you. Does that include the men too? You guys really need to get out, it’s almost as if you’re trapped in a house with a bunch of caged animals. Bingo!

Who will be a bridesmaid and never a bride? (low blow people…does this question come with complementary therapy sessions?)
Oh Natalie I’m sorry…but here’s a movie you can watch while you eat your bon bons. It’s called 27 dresses, have you heard of it?

Who is the biggest jerk in the group?
Jason Mesnick?? Does he still count? (that one’s for you Melissa)

Ok and for the clincher! Who has the worst boob job?
Ummm, it's a tie for sure.
Tori Spelling and Elizabeth.

What’s scary is the fact that there were enough people who fit this category that they could make a question for it…what has our world come to? Once again, reality TV killing our brain cells and injecting us with saline one boob at a time.

Hey Kovacs…how do you really feel about Elizabeth’s boobs? Psst, please tell me the doc so none of us go to him or her. Thx!

So after this fun little game of ‘you suck’ the women all go back into the house and cry. (Of course it’s the women the guys already forgot that they even played the game.) Well, really just 2 of the head beatches, Elizabeth and Natalie. (oh and Natalie, please fix your roots asap!) Can we say, what goes around, comes around? Look who is part of the “out” crowd now?

And while the tears are flowing (please be careful Elizabeth, wouldn’t want you to cry out all your silicone as well….actually that might not be a bad idea then you can get new and improved ones!) Anyway, while Elizabeth is hiding in the broom closet (awkward) and solving California's drought problem, Wes gives us another moment of clarity with his insightful sensitivity, “I have 25 sisters, (Wes, ex-girlfriends don’t count as sisters) I know how sentimental women can be. Riiiiiiight, that’s why you went on The Bachelorette with a girlfriend huh? Sure buddy. Now is not the time to find your inner Oprah, zip it..and your pants too.


Brief interlude:

We have an important lesson to learn among all this rubbish. Today’s lesson is, how a boy figures out when he really likes a girl. First clue, when your “girlfriend” is crying over her botched boob job and you feel some pain, regardless if it’s because you know how scary looking they are as well, then this my friends is real, lasting love. A bond that can never be broken….until of course a new pair of boobs walk into the room and he’s ready to test them out. Well at least you have a built in flotation device in case you end up in the middle of the ocean and can’t swim.

The Bobbsey twins “take a leap of faith”……on a zip line…..oh and with their cute little relationship too.

Tenley and Kiptyn, can we say a match made in Candyland heaven? Of course they arrive by helicopter to this magical, tropical oasis of an island called….Catalina. Really? Didn’t Ali and Roberto just go to Bora Bora? Looks like this so called recession thing that has hit the rest of the world has finally caught up with the reality world.

So Tenley and Kipper finally kiss and she gives him the rose…….ex-husband who? And now its time for the envelope to come out and for them to pretend like they have NO IDEA WHAT IN THE WORLD IT COULD SAY. (Great acting job, Days of Our Lives is looking to hire). Come on guys, I know you BOTH should remember the fantasy suite, wink wink.

I just thought of something, is it strange that Jillian was with Kiptyn and Jake…then Jake was with Tenley and probably with Kiptyn as well? Can we say family reunion in Arkansas next year?

Anyway, getting back to the show. Tenley tells us that she is SO excited to spend the whole night with Kiptyn in the fantasy suite. I bet you are, Little Miss Muffet. Are you gonna sit on his tuffet? (What the heck is a tuffet anyway? Oh great, now I sound like Elizabeth).

The “morning after”, oh that’s always awkard…I mean….so they say. Kiptyn has his “game face” on. Oh nice one Kipper, is that what they call it when a guy ignores you after you sleep with him. Good. To. Know.


Date #2: Peyton and Jesse.
(He basically gives her the rose before they even go on the date. Good strategy brain. At least get the girl to put out before you give up the goods. I so did not say that).

Aw cute, two country bumpkins, just like two pigs in a blanket. So after they are done pretending to be Amelia Earhart he does what any classy man would do:

1)Puts his finger up her nose. Hot.
2)Burps (while drinking a martini, how is that even possible?)

And just like that she’s over it…and the date pretty much follows.


Back at the house they are busy playing 7 minutes in heaven and Wes is pissed off because he says, “some people just want to party here, this is like my job, I take this very seriously”. Hmm, couple things:

1) Wes, I want to know what job is like being on the Bachelor Pad? And if you find it please tell me because I would like to apply.

2)What exactly would you like these D-list people to be doing all day besides partying? Chess? Mahjong? A little intellectual debate on Plessy vs. Ferguson? What the heck would I write about? I’m already pulling teeth here, work with me big boy. Sing a song or something.

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony (finally, I already took two naps, cleaned my house, walked my dog and had time to clean my air ducts. Did I miss anything?)

Drama, drama, drama……wait, Ashley and Nikki are still here? I had no idea they were still in the game. I thought this was a show on the romance between Kovacs, Elizabeth, and her amazing implants.

Besides the fact that Gwen’s necklace could have fit around the neck of the Incredible Hulk, did anyone else notice her during the interviews? It looked like she was trying so hard to articulate her words and speak intelligently that she almost. Sounded. Like. She. was. Channeling. Chris. And. His. Fragments.

Who will stay? Who will go? Gwen or Krispy Kreme? Wes or Dave? Ohhhhhhhh, the suspense is killing me. I mean, literally killing me.

And the biggest losers are Kentucky Fried Chicken and the man that understands women in the same way Mr. Rogers does – Wes.

You’re lucky Gwen, looks like you won’t be rolling out in the short yellow bus as soon as we thought.

Final words? Oh this is fun, kinda like when you get voted off American Idol and you have to belt out a last tune while your voice is cracking like Peter Brady.

Well Wes, I guess we learned a thing or two; it’s not just love that don’t come easy, looks like it's back to playing guitar in Walmart for you. God Bless and don’t come back now ya’hear.