Final Rose, final thoughts. (And more on Ali's adoptive family).

Welcome to Bora Bora. AKA Whorra Whorra.

Well it’s official. Survey says: Ali is adopted. Or she hired actors to play her family on TV. I mean, who the heck were those people? The only saving grace was her roots. They matched the rest of her family. But other than that, there was more resemblance between Brangelina’s and their kids than Ali to her family. Yes, even the one from Africa…or Vietnam…do we have South Korea in the house?

As if we haven’t seen every episode this season we start out with a recap of their adventures.

She has a different relationship with Chris and Roberto, she tells us. Yes she does. Chris makes her puke while Roberto makes her faint. Sounds like someone is due for a MMR vaccination.

First we have Roberto; tall, dark, and handsome. This deuce bigalow male gigolo is not only known for his dashing personality but also his ability to sweat like he’s in Bikram Yoga. Yummy! Especially when Ali goes in to kiss him. Which she seems to do every 2.2 seconds. Hey, nothing wrong with that. They obviously both make each other wet. Too much?? I’ll stop…

With Roberto she feels protected and safe (sorry Kasey, you snooze you lose). Oh and waking up next to him after her overnight date apparently makes her feel like a woman. Ali, do you really mean like a woman or did you mean to say hooker or call girl? Because whenever I wake up next to someone I barely know I always feel like a hooker. But a high class one nonetheless. I would describe it as a client of Heidi Fleiss.

Next subject. With Chris it’s been slow and steady but moving at an uphill pace (I think I can, I think I can). They are “friends” who are just starting to fall in love. Says who Ali? Have you looked around because he’s already there. Catch up or salsa on over to your other lover. Chris makes her laugh, he’s like a teddy bear (hopefully not one made by Kirk’s Dad) that she just wants to wrap her arms around. Kinda sounds more like a date with tickle me Elmo.

Before the first date, we see Ali leaning up against a palm tree as if she is the new Sports Illustrated Cover girl. The symbolism is so profound here. What does it tells us?
1) She either has a magical metabolism and never gains a pound (bitch) or
2) She had her abs sprayed on to look like she was wearing a Conan the Barbarian outfit.

$100 on the latter.


Roberto Meets the Fam.

It’s beautiful. Like a peaceful meeting with the United Nations.

Ali takes Roberto to meet her adopted family, which is a relief because Ali’s “mom” has the hots for him. Good thing they’re not related because they're going to be sharing a lot real soon...and I don't mean just her new shirt. Better drink up Roberto, you’re gonna be sweating more than you’ve ever been before. You’re workin for two ladies now.

Roberto to the Actor Dad:
Blah blah blah…As a husband one day…..umm….to her. Yes of course to her. Who else would it be to? I mean, I’ve known your daughter for 4 weeks now and spent a total of 3 hours alone with her (1 of which I was in bed with her making her feel like a “woman”) Oh my bad make that 2 of which….he is a Latin Lover you know….we all know how they work. Wink wink. What? I read it in a book. I swear.

Where were we? Yes, so of course as a husband to HER….How can I keep her happy?

Awww ok. That was cute. He’s off the probation list for now. He’s a smart man, he knows what all men need to learn and understand. Listen up men. To my 2.5 male followers reading this blog repeat after me.

A happy wife = a happy life. Now all together now, A happy wife = a happy life.

Done and done.

Roberto with the new Bachelorette (this being her “mom” of course):

Spoken in a horrible Spanish accent almost as believable as when Brittney Spears was British. Yo creo tu corozon es puro. What? Is he sure? Raise your hand if you’re sure? No, no, let me translate. You heart is pure. And her mind is playing tricks on her like her daughters.

And just like that Suave slips his hand onto hers. Sweat drips down his face. And she shoves her tongue in his mouth. What can I say? Like mother like daughter. Ok fine, she’s not adopted. Proof is in the DNA.

Wow, Stella apparently got her groove back because all of a sudden “mom” wants to learn how to dance. Dancing with the stars? No, dancing with Roberto your new flame. Can’t wait to we see an after after the final rose: First time ever, Bachelorette mom steals son-in-law. But it’s ok. Roberto’s used to having more than one girlfriend. It’s the machismo thing isn’t it?

Chris meets the ‘rents and they meet his…..basket?

Well, we know these guys didn’t run to the nearest Target to pick up a gift but I want to know who the heck was the producer that told him to carry a basket so he looks like little red riding hood? Next time why don’t you just come with a baby carriage and call it a day.

Tip #1 on impressing the parents:
When in doubt. Always, and I mean ALWAYS say to a Massachusetts family that you’re a Red Sox fan. Ding! Ding! Sign, sealed, delivered, yeah yeah!

Tip #2 on how to insert foot or entire leg in mouth. take 1:
Mom to Chris. Your mom must have wanted a girl I’m sure. Ohhhhh just stab him in the heart right now will you. Poor guy. It’s only gonna go downhill from here but not before we play this fun game.

I was a math teacher……so am I.
My mom was a nurse…..so is mine.
I was born in Montreal…..so was I.
I speak in fragments. So. Do. I.
I was adopted….So was Ali.
I can’t believe I’m on this show to meet my love….Same with my wife, but that’s how she met Roberto.
It must be love.

A family that jumps in the ocean together, stays together. Weeee! How cute. We all get along but this is the last time you’ll ever see them. So soak up every moment and give me the Red Sox tickets now will ya?

Btw: Way to pick your nose Ali when the camera is 2ft away from you. Hot!


Family Meeting:
Kids, it’s time we discussed the important things in life. Your minutes are not rolling over and it’s time we all got the family plan. That and we need to discuss who our adopted daughter is going to nag for the rest of her life.

Roberto:
Pros: romantic, wears feelings on sleeve (and jockstrap), has a baseball card of himself.
Cons: Only knows how to make out and speak Spanish (sometimes at the same time). Wait, how is this a con?

Chris:
Pros: sincere, caring, loyal. (sounds like a puppy to me), Red Sox fan, & will make sure their landscaping always looks impeccable.
Cons: He gets nervous and turns into a bobble head. She will have to wear the dentist bracelet the rest of her life.

Last (or is it?) date with Roberto: Latin lover, king of the jungle, yin to her yang, and bump to her grind.

“I love getting on machines that go really fast” Really? Have you heard of the Rabbit?

Oh you meant a jet ski. My bad.

Hey, there are a school of stingrays over there let’s park our rabbits and jump in. Here Ali, you have to pet it. Wait, isn’t that how the Crocodile Hunter died?

Brilliant.

Good times.

Deep thoughts:
I don’t think you know you’ve found true love until you are on a private island and are able to stand (or as in this case, mount each other) and kiss in the rain. I think that it’s a sure sign of Bachelor/Bachelorette love and of a lasting marriage. Didn’t all the other ones do that? And look where they are now? Happy and in love. Oops wrong show. I got this one confused with Dating in the Dark.


Night time date with King of the Hill and Jungle.

Aww so sweet Roberto, he’s preparing the room for sexy time. Laying out the roses, candles, and condoms. Hope it’s a magnum. Ali’s mom says he needs it.

Holiday gift exchange time!
Roberto gives her a picture frame of them on the heart shaped island. Awww. But wait, he wrote something on the back.

Dearest Alejandro (that’s Ali in Espanol. Not Lady Gaga’s song)
You make me want to be the King to your lion. I mean the lion to your king. Your spray tanned abs are so sexy as they melt off in my hand and I morph into an orange oompa loompa. I want to spend forever with you (forever as in the next 6 months). You make me want to be a better man. Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Amore,
Roberto


Roberto to Alejandro:
Ali, you’re the kind of girl you take chances for (tear, no really that was sweet. My shell is starting to crack). As he’s touching Ali’s nose like a Grandpa does to his grandchild, he says. Wait for it. Wait for it. I’m definitely falling in love with you.

Alejandro to Roberto:
My heart is exploding out of my chest. (Same with Roberto’s pants).

Can the camera crew leave already, we don’t want it to be over before it started.

“I love you,” he says to her. And in customary Bachelorette/Bachelor fashion there is no response other than a tongue down the suitor’s mouth.

Ok Ali, we need to have a chat here. Just me and you. I don’t know what you are thinking right now but I’m just gonna say it. You better hit that now and decide later.






What?





Date (oh we use that term so lightly these days) with Chris:

Ok where do I begin? The minute she opened the door I gave this scene one of the million trophy’s that Roberto’s Dad showed us. Most awkward moment of the show by far. Not sure if it was her not being able to look him in the eye, her not being able to stop fidgeting, or her knowing she became queen of the jungle last night and couldn’t bare to mount this cub after she trained her dragon.

Whatever it was she walked through that door like she was on crack and dropped him quicker than she dropped The Weatherman. Definitely cloudy with a chance of Chris’ (meat)balls.

“I’m in love with someone else.” Wait, back up. Hold the music. What just happened? I wasn’t even prepared to be dumped yet. Can you please let me assume the position, get my pint of ice cream, (and lactaid pills, well I am a Jew, what do you expect?) and give me one last attempt to speak to you in my language of love. Fragments. And. All?

I guess we’re not gonna build it up a little before she rips out his heart. Just gonna go in for the kill. Kinda like her mom did when asking about his mom? Once again, definitely not adopted.

“I’m letting you go Chris. You are free to move about the cabin. Run Forrest run. Go find your fragmented soulmate. Find her and don’t ever look back. Or don’t look back at Ali because she feels like an ass.

What’s the saying? If it walks like a ……..

Oh just kidding. Better she did it now than later. Classy move for not dragging it out and making him get down on one knee like our dear friend Deanna Pappas did to Jason Mesnick. That was horrible! But he sucks too because he dumped his fiancé on TV only to make out 5 minutes later with the original girl he dumped. Who are these people? And where did they come from?

Anyway, back to Ali. She had to follow her heart and that’s all you can ask for in anyone.

But does this mean we can say helloooo to our next Bachelor???

Children, this is not only a blog but also a therapy session on life, love, and how not to meet your husband.

So , what we learned here:

Friendship + no passion = no rose. No decoder ring.* But maybe a blender as a consolation prize.

Friendship + passion = hot make out sessions (in bathrooms?), rose, and $100,000 decoder ring.

Interlude.
Alright, I have to discuss. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be emotional and well let’s face it. I am Danielle. So, after Chris gets dumped, he goes out on the balcony, does the famous hand on railing/on head pose that we’ve seen so many of our bachelors do and then out of the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane. No it’s a rainbow. Two words. Chills and tears. Yes, the tears were rolling down my face so much so that I was waiting for the oxygen mask to drop so I could catch my breath.

Hearing Chris Harrison and Ali talk about this on the After the Final Rose reassured me that there was no editing in this scene. It truly was one of those amazing moments in life that make you believe there is a reason for everything and that someone is watching over you. In all seriousness that was one of the most beautiful things ever.


Final rose ceremony (really, I mean it this time).

How romantic. The morning of her big day Ali starts off with, “I don’t know why he would pick me?” Yay, the self esteem class paid off. But as we have learned, “love works in ways you can’t explain.” Yes, I agree, I can’t explain why Men Marry Bitches and why we have to follow The Rules? (Clearly someone has been hanging out in the self help section these days). No way not me.

Row, row, row your boat… gently down the aisle….And there he is, looking as Latin as ever. As he rolls up on a boat….with a chuppah? What was that thing? Maybe he's a Sephardic Jew?

Anyway, as the boat pulls in Ali says she finally found the guy she wants to spend the rest of her life with. Really? Because,
1) you’re 25
2) you’re on a reality dating show
3) you have 500 pounds of makeup on that is going to sweat off and he’s gonna freak out when he sees what you really look like and
4) you’re 25.

Wait til you’re my age and have dated all of Los Angeles, Boston, Scottsdale, and NYC. Then my little lovely, then let’s talk. Ok, Ok, I know this sounds like I’m bitter, but in fact, I love my life. I couldn’t be happier! If I could just sit patiently and wait for a guy that doesn't bore me and for the right guy who is smart enough to snatch me up and never let me go, I would! But there is this thing in the meantime that you have to do, called dating. Eeeeek. Who has time to work, it’s like a full time job. Oh crap, does that make me a hooker like Ali? Oh no, we are similar. Maybe that means that I too will be whisked away via helicopter to islands shaped like hearts, clovers, and purple horseshoes (magically delicious) and one day I too will get that final rose…in Bora Bora….on TV….by I guy I barely know….A girl can dream can’t she?

Cut to deep thoughts by Roberto as he’s about to walk the plank.
“I took a lot of time, did a lot of thinking and soul searching to get here.” (a lot of time = 4 hours). “But I decided heck, if I’m gonna get a $100,000 ring for free I might as well jump on it.” What can go wrong?

Here he comes….Mr. Latin Lover. He says to her, I was thinking all night last night and all morning (phew, because I was scared you decided at the last minute to love me forever) and you told me to follow my heart (and my thingy) so here I am.

I will spare all the drama and skip to the key points in his Emancipation Proclamation.

There was a , “I love you unconditionally” (awww)

“I will be by your side no matter what” (high five)

Can we get a holler for “I want to make you laugh, smile, and I want you to wake up knowing that you are loved.” (I’m dying over here. Kleenex ahora)

Mad props for, “I want to grow old with you.” (Awww, that one gets me every time. I just picture myself having wheelchair races with my hubby).

And then the tears started flowing (again) and then I looked down at the size of the diamond and the tears turned into a monsoon. Thank you ABC, thank you for loving Ali so much to buy her that ring. I’m sure Roberto is thrilled because isn’t he a Gardner? Oh that’s Chris. Isn’t he a “former” baseball player who now sits in a cubicle?

Well kids, we finally got our happy ending. The helicopters, trip around the world, and being wined and dined like you’re King Tut had nothing to do with the love that they have for each other. Nothing.

Let us raise our glasses and toast to Ali and Roberto (no last name). May your love for each other grow and get stronger with each passing day. And may both of you remain hot because if you get fat and ugly I’m not sure what the two of you will do with each other. Mazel Tov. I mean, Buenos noches.



*FF