Here's to Frank and Nicole. May your love for each other be as consistent as Frank's emotions. (Ali who?)

Let me get this straight. LA, NYC, Iceland (Hi Kasey), Turkey, Portugal, LA, Tampa (sounds so exotic), Cape Cod, Wisconsin (Green Bay is great, I was just joking last week), Chicago, LA, back to Chicago (thanks Frank) and Tahiti. Hmmmm…..Recession my ass. I don’t care if this is “reality” or Candyland, I want in on this recession free world they play in. Send in the caviar Muffy, Buffy is pouring the champagne…

Back in LA Chris (L.) (as opposed to Chris (Z?) says, “it seems like just yesterday I was 1 out of 25 guys in the house.” Newsflash. It was. And now you’re in love. That’s how we roll around here.

Now it’s Roberto’s turn and we get to see that he too can fold and pack his own bag. Look Ma, I’m a big kid now. Cue cool jazz summer mix in background. “Ali is unlike any women I’ve ever met.” Liar, liar, pants on fire. Why do I get the feeling that you've probably banged all the Miami dolphin cheerleaders by now? In any case, goooooo team!

Alrighty, so moving on.

Care Bear Staaaaare! (btw: that was Frank’s emotions bursting at the seams). “Something is holding me back” Love-a-lot Bear says. Could it be your cardigan and scoop neck wife beater? No. It’s his ex-girlfriend Nicole. Boo-yah! And who is Nicole we all wonder? Weren’t you just crying over and confessing your love for Ali? Nicole we come to find out is the last girl he dated before he came out to find his wife…fiancé….girlfriend….errrr…..replacement girlfriend? Girl in waiting? Something like that...

But wait, it really does get better. Frankie tells us he has feelings for 2 girls. (5 second time out). When did this become The Bachelor!? Apparently this is Frank’s world and we’re just living in it? Hope it’s the recession free one at least.

Next up on the Frank and Nicole show we follow his fragile and confused little heart to Chicago (who paid for that one I’d like to know?) and watch with his “heart in his throat and stomach at his feet” Sounds like a game of operation if you ask me. This is going to be the most “pivotal moment in my life.” he says. Bravo, bravo, and the Emmy goes to... Frank for most dramatic and draining contestant ever.

Here we go. Let the games begin…

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Frank
ohhhh this is gonna be good. Frank who?
Frank with my full of sh*t tank.

Nicole opens the door. Right off the bat since I’ve turned into a dude. Nicole 6 (hmmm no, she had the really weird eye popping thing going on and that reminded me of a pug)
Nicole 5.3
Ali 9.

I'm on team blondie this time. Clearly Frank needs to swing a visit to Costco and get a new eye prescription because he tells us (and this is news to him too of course) that he’s “in love” with Nicole. Ummmmm wow, this is awkward. I bet Ali didn’t know she’d be competing against Weatherman’s sister. Totally. Strange. But somehow I get over it until she drops the “you complete me card”. Really? I thought we were so over Jerry Maguire. Are you going to tell us next how much the human head weighs? And just like that the happy couple is back together again. See, who said the Bachelorette didn't work miracles?

Nicole, will you accept this cactus? I can't look at roses anymore.

Frank: I need you to support me. I “HAVE” (kicking and screaming….stomping his foot like Michelle Tanner* before Olsen twins morphed into lollipops) to go to Tahiti.

Way to take one for the team Frank. Makes so much sense to fly 27 hours, dump her, then fly back another 25 (yay jet stream). Yes Frank, if you must here are your first class tickets.

Commercial break:
Today class, we are going to talk about lessons learned. Attention ladies, never trust a “retail manager” who “lived” (for 2 weeks….psst Frank we usually call that a vacay….but if it makes you feel better…) in Paris and was overly (understatement) emotional about EVERYTHING. We should have known Frank, we should have known the minute you befriended Kasey.

Welcome to Tahiti
Island of Tuthahthhautha (God bless you)

Ali: “I have 3 amazing guys”
oops…..oh poor thing doesn’t know what’s about to smack her in the face…..wait, didn’t you do the same thing to Jake? Hate to say it Blondie but Karma is a b*tch. What goes around…comes around…..including the STD’s you, Roberto, and Chris are all sharing. Aww, that’s special. Maybe you could all get a tattoo?

Dream Date #1 with Roberto (the man of many words, he must have been a communications major)

Roberto runs over to Ali who’s wearing Frank’s wife beater and (possibly?) his yellow bathing suit as well as a starfish on her hand (she’s prepping for her big rock…building finger muscles). Time for more helicopter action. Although I thought we established that we were done with helicopters and moving onto bigger and better things. Doesn’t Falkor live on that island anyway? Can’t we take him out for a spin?

Oh btw, Ali loves loves flying now. Jake did you hear that? This could be good since rumor has it that you’re both single now. (FYI, no spoilers here, hate that. Just watch the show people, right? But, I love me a good rumor or two). I see a sequel in the making. The Bachelor part Douche - On the wings (and ass) of love.

Where were we? Oh yes, heart shaped island and a picnic. That’s nice. Yellow top…and pink bikini bottoms. Not so nice. Do your other bottoms not look good? Just asking because I always mix and match depending on my bloated days, looks like I’m not the only one. OMG we're so bff(aeae...).

Camera shows them swimming in the water (I’m jealous, not even gonna try and fake it. Beam me up Scotty I want to go there) and not sure if they’re having sex or not…sorry to interrupt but I’m begining to feel like a third wheel.

So life with Roberto, what would that be like? Never short of romance (and salsa dancing) just short of conversation since he’s still learning how to speak English apparently. What? He never talks. I'm just saying. And no, I don't work for the state of Arizona.

Dinner time.

Ali: Can you see us together?
Roberto: In the future?
Me: no, in the past, dumbass. Fine you’re hot, you can get away with it.
Roberto: something something something blah, blah, something…….I tend to close off. (RED FLAG, Penalty, run Forrest run) ummm, perhaps it was the SIX wine glasses on the table? For the love of God, who the heck was drinking with you guys? Do you travel with your own mariachi band?

Special delivery. What's this? Roberto asks as if he’s NEVER seen the show. Oh COME ON! Puuuullleease! Suave, you know what it is, just go with it. Save the acting for Frank.

Dearest Roberto and Ali,
In case you decide to forgo your individual rooms please use this key and condom (no baby shower before wedding folks, we are very traditional here) to unlock your fantasy suite. Roberto we know how you like to be the macho man so we left a WWF outfit in the closet. Enjoy and go for a homerun slugger.
- Your bestie Chris (Harrison, not L.)


Side note: Did anyone else catch Ali say “you’re soaking wet”? Ewww, earmuffs children!

Score: Definitely a homerun.

Date #2 with America’s Sweetheart. (No, not Britney Spears, the other one.)

After an early morning walk of shame she quickly throws on Milley Cyrus’ skirt and runs over to Chris trying to block out her night in Tahiti….on the island of thuhahahhaithiati….with Roberto…..the Latin lover. Sure. Totally easy to forget about. So much so that I’M still imagining it. Ok, back the show.

Finally, I see friendship AND romance on their date, oh how he just makes me smile. Fragments. And. All. They jump on a boat, frolic in the water and swim to their private island. However, this one isn’t shaped like a heart, just an ovary. But before they arrive to land, we are lucky enough to have a split screen of them as Ali’s legs are wrapped around his waist and together they walk, no, they trudge through the water like some sort of mythical creature. Part man, part woman, part Dentist bracelet.

After her skirt magically swims to shore, (Milley!) they go looking for pearls…oh I’m not even gonna go there. You so want me to folks but I’m not. Let it be known, I’ve matured since last week. Yes I have. So Ali and her pearl necklace (oops) say, “OMG, it’s like a black pearl” phew, rest assured, she’s not color blind. Wait, then I’m still trying to figure out what that yellow and pink bathing suit set was all about?

Ali clearly feels comfortable with Chris so much so that she decides to roll on over to dinner in her PJ’s. Way to dress up girlfriend, you could have at least worn the jumpsuit kind with feet. I hear he’s into that kind of thing. Two words. Easy Access. One zip on the whole thing would have been off. Sometimes it’s good to plan ahead.

Dinner is going well, lots of drunk smiles and giggles (with 4 less wine glasses though this time) when low and behold she pulls a letter out of her crotch. This island is just filled with tons of magic kids. Chris, we learn, took the same acting class as Roberto. “There’s a fantasy suite?” he says, but for some reason we believe him, right? And his response was just too. darn. cute.

“Yes, I love this girl 100%, I just don’t know how to describe it.” Pssst, you just did. Oy, THEN he drops the soul-mate card. I thought you were leaving that one in your back pocket with the ring, Chris? Looks like you came too early. Oops, she’s back. Ok I don’t know about you, but I 'like' really felt him talking to me there. Oh Chris (L.), time to shut the privacy curtains. Roberto who?

Score: definitely third base at least and maybe a homerun but he probably said something like I respect you yadda yadda and think we should wait. Oh, that’s my Cape Cod boy!


Date (errrrr, dump) #3

Ok before we begin please follow me in a couple of sun salutations, that’s right down dog, up dog. Feel the flow, release the emotions, and breathe in through your nose out through your mouth (like darth vador). Now in Savasana (my favorite pose) please join me Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmm. Namaste.

Thank you, I needed that before I dealt with Frank and his CRAZY EFFING emotions. (we’re almost done with him, don’t worry, phew).I don't even smoke and I already need a cigarette.

Frank calls in the Dali Lama to have a 'talk' and help him sort out his thoughts (good luck and may the Schwartz be with you). He tells us he over thinks and over analyzes things, oh and he’s very good at that. (no, not you Frank Footer, I can't imagine you doing that).

Two things:
1)At least you’re not in denial Fancy pants. It’s a first step towards recovery.
2)I don’t think I like you without your glasses. Did you leave them in Nicole’s bed?

So Chris lays on the Jewish guilt, I swear I didn’t teach him, and says, “she’s crazy about you.”
ummmm, nope, doesn’t even work. He recovers with “oh that’s cool and all but I feel like I can spend the rest of my life with Nicole. I hope I’m right"

HOPE? You HOPE you’re right? (shaking head back and forth) Oh Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear, I had such high hopes for you. Scratch that, no I didn’t. Ok we’re done.

Now that is what I call being “sideswiped” swooooooosh. Just like that, out of nowhere, when you least expect it (sorta) he drops a bomb like Hiroshima. Well, I don’t know about you but I just feel like I went through a breakup. Pass the bon bons please.

Gather around kids, its story time. Today’s therapy session is called ‘know thy self’. I don’t think Frank will ever feel confident about anyone or anything else for that matter because I don’t think he feels confident about himself.

OK enough with that crap, back to business.

Seatbelts on, here we go…..this is going to be a fun (not for Ali) ride.

And just like Pandora’s box, the sliding doors whisk open revealing Ali’s morning after (squared!) glow.

Frank: Ali, we need to talk. And the hairs literally stand up on her arms, ready to make an about face and run for the hills where she should have followed.

I think the look on her face said it all. We’ve all been there (ok well sh*t, I have). It’s that split second when you know what’s coming but you just want to freeze time because you don’t have enough strength in you to go there again. But, since we are not like Evie from out of this world we can’t just stop time with our 2 pointer fingers…such a shame, so the dumping begings. Bring on the dumping. (For those of you born in the 80's you probably have no idea what I was just talking about. Remain calm, just smile and nod and tell everyone how funny the blog is). Remember Karma is a b*itch ;)

Back to our regularly scheduled program:
Frank to Ali:
We had (past tense, first warning like a fog horn…preparing you for what’s to come) blah blah blah BUT (damn that but) I have unresolved feelings for my ex-girlfriend. Zing! You’re perfect in every way BUT (screw you Mr. but, go home and never come back) I’m so fickle and confused so I think I like her now BUT (one more time and I’m putting on the boxing gloves) I could change my mind again. You? Change your mind? Nope. Don’t believe it.

Oh great, now they’re both crying. (send in the sea turtle with 2 boxes of tissues please)

Ali: I’ve given up everything to be here (yay, it’s shot time!)

Don’t worry Ali, he’s a boy, you need a real man who knows what he wants. (Chris, Chirs, Chris) Did you hear something?

So they cry, talk, cry, talk, cry, talk, she throws off her flip flops, cries, talks. And then he puts his hand on her as to say I’m sorry. Eff that, she should have bitch slapped him. Don’t you dare touch her Frank, not after you rip her heart out on the Island of Thahahathahahtheomcneue. Who does that?

Frank leaves and Ali plops down like a kid who just dropped her ice cream cone and starts to cry. The good news is last time we saw her do that she was in a hotel hallway (kinda looked like the Vagabond, those still around?) so things have improved greatly. At least she’s on a beach without fluorescent lighting. I’ll drink to that!

Jesus comes out of nowhere, he’s good like that, and consoles our dear Ali as she tells him (because he didn’t already know) that she’s "given up her job, her whole freakin life to be there" (Shot #2, Nicole is gonna look hot in no time). “He’s the biggest jerk I’ve ever known.” Really? Because I can name a few others who come in a close second. Let's see, there's Justin and Rated-R. Yup both are pretty bad.

Don’t worry Ali, it’s not him it’s you. I mean, it’s not you it’s him.

Rose Ceremony

What was that shmata thing you were wearing? Awesome if you’re 500 pounds and going on a date as the biggest loser. But we saw your six pack. New stylist please.

We all know who gets roses, so I won’t even make you sit through the "suspense" again. I just can't do that to you, I care too much.

Congrats Chris (L.) and Roboerto (?) (no last name?) the two of you have traveled the world to find love. (Suckers) But, unfortunately for one of you your search will be far from over. Feel free to pick up a copy of Eat, Pray, Love before you continue on. It's gonna be a doozy. Tootles.

Credits:
*thank you fab funny man flash.
ps- lesson learned - ask, don't assume, (it makes an ASS out of U and ME). Or just me. But I do have a great ass, what can I say! ;)
(Sorry inside joke, had to write it).