Men Tell All....but not everything. That's where I come in.

Welcome back boys - I've missed you, it's been lonely without your craziness.

I struggled to find the words to portray last night’s Men Tell All. Why? Not because there wasn’t enough “stuff” to write about (ok, that’s a lie) NOTHING happened. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

So, in my attempt to entertain myself which I seem to be good at. Scary. I decided to make up my own game. I call this, The Men Tell All – After their final rose but before they dried it up and hung it upside down on their wall next to their prom corsage. (Once again people born in the 80’s probably don’t remember this decoration fad that swept our nation. As I said before, remain calm and smile and nod).

So where are these lovely Lads now? Step away from the remote and here we go….

Kasey we come to find out is a speech pathologist and has been busy guarding and protecting his new tattoo shop with current lover, Kat Von D. He is an active member of Iceland’s Board of Tourism and is rallying for their new motto: Welcome to Iceland. It’s Effing cold. So jump in my volcano and stay a while.

If you’d like, he’d be happy to sing it to you as well.

Jesse has followed in Levi Johnston’s footsteps and is the new 2010 playgirl centerfold. He wears nothing but his hard hat ladies. Yes that’s hard HAT.

Frank is in therapy with Nicole where they spend a great deal of time talking about “their feelings”. Dr Phil has taken him on as a psychology experiment and says he may soon be in the Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s most emotional species. National Geographic is enamored with this as well and will be doing a 2 page spread on this fascinating creature. ‘Discovery into the mind of the emotional male’. Second behind the Bald Eagle, this rare and almost certainly extinct species is a fascinating discovery. It’s a miracle we found one left on the planet. Thank you Chris Harrison for all that you do and all who you are.

The Weatherman. Poor guy can’t get a break. Not only can America not stand him, but his boys were throwing him under the bus as well. There seems to be a recurring central motif here which is: Sucks to be him. Can’t live with him….can’t live without with him. He decided he was getting too much negative press being a weatherman so he joined the cast of the Lion King where every night he gets to dress up like the king of the jungle and pretend he’s manlier than he really is. This is working out very well for him and he wanted me to tell you all that the costume makes his package actually look big for once. Life is good. Playgirl may be next on his list.

John C. has finally come out of the closet and will be starring in the newest Bachelor the “light” version. He and his adorable puppy, Rocky, live in South Beach and can often be found stalking Roberto while he is running around the baseball field shirtless and in his boxer briefs. Yummy.

Craig R. has been very busy talking to everyone. Even himself in the mirror. He has taken on the role of mother hen and is now the ‘Men Tell All’ spokesperson. Not only does he do public service announcements for Rated R but he is also on the board of directors for the new EVOOWF, (Extra Virgin Olive Oil Wrestling Federation). All of this, while he is trying so desperately to get America to vote for him as the next Bachelor. He really is trying so hard to get us to love him. Alll of him. Even his man boobs.

Jason (hi Jason) was hiding in the bathroom the whole first episode so we never really got to see him. It was at that moment that he had an epiphany and realized how much he missed hanging out in them. He now travels the world designing state of the art bathrooms as he finds these are exciting places to explore your mind and body. (Confused? You're not alone. There was a point behind this one, trust me)

Rated R has decided to switch up his wresting gear from simply ‘gay’ to ‘drag’ and can be found wearing his hot green dress in the woman’s state correctional facility. He learned very quickly that this would be the only way for him to get any action these days. Times are tough and he is not only mackin on Lindsay Lohan but also trying to devise a plan to get Martha back in the slammer. He has a thing for older women with no personality. Rated R and Justin both agree theirs is enough for all of them.

Kirk has decided to go into the family business. His first stuffed animal plans to be Frank (with glasses) as he thinks Ali would have brought him to Tahiti if it wasn’t for him. Hey there big boy, just a hunch but I think your freaky dad had something to do with it. I’m not sure. Just throwing it out there. In his down time, which he has a lot of since he stares at dead animals all. day. Long. He’s been making a scrapbook about his memories on the show and plans to have story time with the animals real soon. On a side note, poor Kirky said he’s never had his heart broken before. Um what, come again? Welcome to the club buddy. Glad you can make it, we’ve been waiting for you. My name is Danielle, I’m not only a member I’m also the president. I’d like to introduce you to the weatherman, he’s our recording secretary. Kasey (the freak in the back) will be giving free motivational speeches on how to guard and protect to avoid future heart breakage.

The first thing he recommends is to get a tattoo so that you automatically make the girl run for the hills, thereby ensuring you have no chance of getting near the broken heart stage. That is, unless of course you are like him and happen to fall in love with people before you meet them. In that case, please meet Frank in therapy. We will work on getting a group discount.

Hunter we didn’t know or care about before and so we will keep it this way.

Kyle, Derrick, and Tyler V…. Please refer to Hunter’s role above.

Chris N. is the new David Copperfield and since he does not like to talk to humans he spends his days pulling rabbits out of his hat (and a random edamame when he finds one). Since he relates to his bunny more than a person they are often found sitting cheek to cheek sipping sake through a straw. (Just go with me on this one…)

And last but not least we have born again Ty, who has decided to dedicate his life to fighting for women’s rights. He is now an active and proud member of the National Organization For Women. When he's not barefoot and preggers and cooking chicken parmesan in the kitchen, he and Mel Gibson can often be found volunteering at the local Planned Parenthood.

The End.

Before next week’s final rose…my one final thought:

Kasey for President. (high five)

OK, two final thoughts.

I want to know who the heck Jessie is sleeping with? No, not male Jesse who was in playgirl. The silent, but now has a voice, Jessie that showed up last night with her dress up to her coochi-coo. She must be sleeping with one of the producers, how else is she all of a sudden Little Miss Sunshine? Inquiring minds want to know!

Anyway, can't wait to see you and your new fake boobies on the Bachelor Pad!