This week's Bachelorette blog.
Here it is.
drumroll please.
Bentley is an ass.
Yes he is.
He is an Ass who likes Ashley's ass.
Problem being (pause to reflect. dot dot dot) he didn't want to take the rest of what's attached to that ass home to meet mamma.
Not even those supersize false eyelashes.
End blog.
Am I good with words, or am I good with words?
Heads, shoulders, knees, and tails. Knees and tails. Welcome folks, it's tickle your pickle time.
Here we go...heads - I blog about this weeks episode.....tails - I forgo the blog entirely and email Bentley directly on myspace. He must have an account, you're given one at the time of birth if you are an:
1) aspiring musician
2) Pedophile (we don't discriminate)
3) From Arkansas yet pretend you're from Compton
4) Porn Star
5) Desperately trying to get famous and facebook won't allow you to post the pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom....with your pants down....while pouting your lips trying to look sexy....yet coming across constipated.
umm, so ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I leave it up to you to decided which category he falls under. (psst, I say #6 all of the above?)
tbc....I'm still contemplating how we can get a man to dress up as Ashley and tickle his pickle.
Dear Mr. Mask, can we borrow your face for a minute? And yes, I really do mean a minute.
1) aspiring musician
2) Pedophile (we don't discriminate)
3) From Arkansas yet pretend you're from Compton
4) Porn Star
5) Desperately trying to get famous and facebook won't allow you to post the pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom....with your pants down....while pouting your lips trying to look sexy....yet coming across constipated.
umm, so ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I leave it up to you to decided which category he falls under. (psst, I say #6 all of the above?)
tbc....I'm still contemplating how we can get a man to dress up as Ashley and tickle his pickle.
Dear Mr. Mask, can we borrow your face for a minute? And yes, I really do mean a minute.
If you can’t take the heat, get out of the….oven? Damn, I was so busy preparing for the rapture I didn’t even know they changed the saying.
Disclaimer: As many of you have expressed your concern for that I’ve been buried alive under my work. The truth is I was/am. But I’ve been able to dig out one hand in an attempt to blog about this “amazing” (compliments of Jason Mesnick) season. With that being said, I will do my best to write something after every episode…even if it’s just a paragraph…
Oh, one more thing. This week’s blog is dedicated to the Trager Sisters. Fist pump.
Enough with my babble, let’s talk about the serious stuff. This season’s drinking word is….Insecurity. We will also accept insecure, insecurities, and insecurorama. Not to be confused with good self esteem. Which our dear Ashley has none of.
So Ashley is back from her extreme makeover home edition and since when is she the ‘tiny dancer’? Did we know that? Guess I didn’t pay enough attention last time. I couldn’t hear a thing over all her whining and complaining. BUT lucky for me, she bounced back from her deep love affair with Brad and is now ready to spread her legs, I mean herself, to 25 lucky suitors.
“I’m the most skeptical person you can ever meet” – Ashley Something. (I presume she has a last name but I don't care enough about her to google stalk). I'm just not that into her.
Well Tinker Bell, good thing you’re searching for your husband on a reality show. Keep this trend up and we look forward to your debut on divorce court.
Once again we find ourselves with a room full of hot men all ready and willing to jump at the chance to put the ball and chain on. And no we are not on a commune in Utah. We are here, in LA, land of men dying to settle down and start a family. I’m serious. No sarcasm at all. Nope, not this time.
Before I start ripping apart these poor men (hey, they asked for it) all I have to say is I can probably get into some serious trouble with JP. Dangerous. Very dangerous. (evil laugh). Husband material, yeah probably not so much. BUT fun time with Mr. Construction man. Yes. We. Can.
Ok, so here are the lucky ones who stood out.
Ryan – yummy
John – Something about that suit and tie makes him look like he should be working in the shoe dept at Nordstrom.
Ben – oui oui. That’s French for, mmmm I’ll have that.
Steven – Hair so straight and suave. Looks like you just got the brazillian. We must have used the same groupon. Did you put my name down? I want my $10 credit.
Chris – not sure if was rapping or attempting a poem. (aww, our friend Casey must have prepped him). Whatever, it was cute.
West – Super cute. Love the compass that he gave her. (Dear Mr. West, I’m lost. Please come find me and go down south). Oops. Need to put a lid on it.
Anthony – First of all….oh I won’t even go there. Ok yes I will. Can he fit any more of an east coast stereotype. Loved the gold necklace Tony. Luigi and Mario want. it. back.
Ames – Harvard, Stanford, Yale?? Where did he not go to school. Key word: overachiever. Now ballet tickets? Dude this guy probably even has my life planned out for me on an excel spreadsheet. Sweet, so does it say anywhere on there that I get to be the next Bachelorette? Oh God help me, I would rather make a fake eharmony commercial with my brother. What??? Moving on…
Matt – handshake = fun and awesome. (Interlude: I did that recently on a date and the guy stared at me. I kicked him to the curb right after. Who doesn’t want to be a goofball sometimes? Sorry, keep forgetting this is not about me)
Jeff – Mask
Ben – Winemaker. Oh wait, did you think I was going to say anything else about the Pied Piper? Ummm, he has beautiful eyes? I like him for his heart, not his face. Well that would be true since he forgot to change his outfit after he shot his S&M video.
Back to Ben, he’s a winemaker. I already married him in my head.
Frank – he picked her up and danced around with her. So glad Ashley’s new wig didn’t fall off, that would have been awkward.
Mike – She’s gonna gas him inside? Tmi.
JP- Stranger danger (in a good way)
Nick – just got his tips highlighted. Someone forgot to tell him the 80’s are over. Was kinda expecting him to have Zinka on his nose too. In a bright color. Like maybe pink?
Constantine – he should get a rose just because his name is Constantine. But wait, there’s more. The pink dental floss as a ring. Genius. So cute and creative!
Cocktail Party:
Quick overview:
1) Calling the mom on first date? I thought that only happens with the mammas boys on jdate? At least wait to the second date to reveal your umbilical cord.
2) “I’m just in sales”. Ashley, we’ve found your soulmate! Now both of you can work on your self esteem together.
3) Bentley needs to be run over by a Bentley. Oh crap, bad karma for me. Just kidding. Sending pink light.
Well.. that about wraps up our evening folks. She picked some guys, dumped some others….you know how this game is played - she’s probably already in love. I know I am (deep love)…with JP. PS, JP- you can call me cupcake, babycake, buttercake, you can even call me Suzy if you want. I'm an equal opp kinda gal.
Oh, one more thing. This week’s blog is dedicated to the Trager Sisters. Fist pump.
Enough with my babble, let’s talk about the serious stuff. This season’s drinking word is….Insecurity. We will also accept insecure, insecurities, and insecurorama. Not to be confused with good self esteem. Which our dear Ashley has none of.
So Ashley is back from her extreme makeover home edition and since when is she the ‘tiny dancer’? Did we know that? Guess I didn’t pay enough attention last time. I couldn’t hear a thing over all her whining and complaining. BUT lucky for me, she bounced back from her deep love affair with Brad and is now ready to spread her legs, I mean herself, to 25 lucky suitors.
“I’m the most skeptical person you can ever meet” – Ashley Something. (I presume she has a last name but I don't care enough about her to google stalk). I'm just not that into her.
Well Tinker Bell, good thing you’re searching for your husband on a reality show. Keep this trend up and we look forward to your debut on divorce court.
Once again we find ourselves with a room full of hot men all ready and willing to jump at the chance to put the ball and chain on. And no we are not on a commune in Utah. We are here, in LA, land of men dying to settle down and start a family. I’m serious. No sarcasm at all. Nope, not this time.
Before I start ripping apart these poor men (hey, they asked for it) all I have to say is I can probably get into some serious trouble with JP. Dangerous. Very dangerous. (evil laugh). Husband material, yeah probably not so much. BUT fun time with Mr. Construction man. Yes. We. Can.
Ok, so here are the lucky ones who stood out.
Ryan – yummy
John – Something about that suit and tie makes him look like he should be working in the shoe dept at Nordstrom.
Ben – oui oui. That’s French for, mmmm I’ll have that.
Steven – Hair so straight and suave. Looks like you just got the brazillian. We must have used the same groupon. Did you put my name down? I want my $10 credit.
Chris – not sure if was rapping or attempting a poem. (aww, our friend Casey must have prepped him). Whatever, it was cute.
West – Super cute. Love the compass that he gave her. (Dear Mr. West, I’m lost. Please come find me and go down south). Oops. Need to put a lid on it.
Anthony – First of all….oh I won’t even go there. Ok yes I will. Can he fit any more of an east coast stereotype. Loved the gold necklace Tony. Luigi and Mario want. it. back.
Ames – Harvard, Stanford, Yale?? Where did he not go to school. Key word: overachiever. Now ballet tickets? Dude this guy probably even has my life planned out for me on an excel spreadsheet. Sweet, so does it say anywhere on there that I get to be the next Bachelorette? Oh God help me, I would rather make a fake eharmony commercial with my brother. What??? Moving on…
Matt – handshake = fun and awesome. (Interlude: I did that recently on a date and the guy stared at me. I kicked him to the curb right after. Who doesn’t want to be a goofball sometimes? Sorry, keep forgetting this is not about me)
Jeff – Mask
Ben – Winemaker. Oh wait, did you think I was going to say anything else about the Pied Piper? Ummm, he has beautiful eyes? I like him for his heart, not his face. Well that would be true since he forgot to change his outfit after he shot his S&M video.
Back to Ben, he’s a winemaker. I already married him in my head.
Frank – he picked her up and danced around with her. So glad Ashley’s new wig didn’t fall off, that would have been awkward.
Mike – She’s gonna gas him inside? Tmi.
JP- Stranger danger (in a good way)
Nick – just got his tips highlighted. Someone forgot to tell him the 80’s are over. Was kinda expecting him to have Zinka on his nose too. In a bright color. Like maybe pink?
Constantine – he should get a rose just because his name is Constantine. But wait, there’s more. The pink dental floss as a ring. Genius. So cute and creative!
Cocktail Party:
Quick overview:
1) Calling the mom on first date? I thought that only happens with the mammas boys on jdate? At least wait to the second date to reveal your umbilical cord.
2) “I’m just in sales”. Ashley, we’ve found your soulmate! Now both of you can work on your self esteem together.
3) Bentley needs to be run over by a Bentley. Oh crap, bad karma for me. Just kidding. Sending pink light.
Well.. that about wraps up our evening folks. She picked some guys, dumped some others….you know how this game is played - she’s probably already in love. I know I am (deep love)…with JP. PS, JP- you can call me cupcake, babycake, buttercake, you can even call me Suzy if you want. I'm an equal opp kinda gal.
Are you my Father?
Yes, just like the children’s book.
Volume I, Are You My Mother? was sold out within the first 10 minutes of episode 1. Due to this overwhelming demand they had to publish an updated edition appropriate for this seasons theme.
Next up, Are You My Gardener? You told me I was the only bush you liked.
Somehow I stumbled upon the application for The Bachelor and it looked something like this:
To be accepted on Brad’s season of the Bachelor, please make sure all of the below requirements apply.
1) You were abandoned or dropped on your head by your father.
2) When we say Who’s your daddy? You immediately think of Brad.
3) The only male figure in your life was your Gardner, please see above and keep your bush to yourself.
Thank God we have a therapist on this season because yes, everyone has daddy issues.
Interlude:
Due to unforeseen circumstances, (aka, my new demanding job) I am forced to turn this blog into my version of Cliff notes. DT Notes it is.
Hopefully you will still laugh even if it’s half the amount. What can I say? Daddy is cutting me off and I have to make a living somehow.
Back
One on one date with Ashley:
We start off with entertainment sounding like it came from a Cruise ship. Close your eyes and you’ll totally believe you’re in the “Seagull Lounge” on a Carnival Cruise line. Yes, I know from experience. Don’t ask. I’m still recovering.
Ashley is overwhelmed with emotion. All of which every one (except her) can tell it is from her Father. Yet she thinks the tears are a sign of her love for Brad. Oh honey..it’s too soon to start this nonsense. But thank you for the early entertainment.
Brad to Ashley: “Thank you. for. opening up. I. really appreciate. it. “
(Clearly he went to the same speech class as our favorite Bachelor from Cape Cod).
My advice to the lady: Take the rose beatch before he changes his mind again.
Group Date: Love Hurts – Michelle cries, take IV
How Hollywood, they’re filming an adventure movie.
Funeral Director takes one for the team (the living and the dead….oh…he doesn’t know about this yet….can’t wait to see his reaction. Scratch that, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen him have a reaction - to anything).
Question: When did Michelle become the narrator for the show? I constantly hear her voice, Chris where did you go? Come back, I need you daddy.
Rose goes to funeral director. Is this the kiss of death? I bet she hopes so. Sorry couldn’t resist.
One on one date with Barbie:
A couple things Emily has motivated me to do:
1)Pretend I have a southern accent
2)Get a tan
3)Loose 100 lbs
4)Prepare my teeth as if I’m going to be in a crest commercial
5)Start a petition for her as the new bachelor. Yeah I know she’s still on the show, but let’s face it a sweet girl like her needs a guy with a personality. Let’s not pretend like Brad is capable of the impossible.
Lesson #1 of the day: What not to ask a widow.
“So why did your last relationship end?”
What elephant in the room? I didn’t notice it. Just the platypus in the corner.
Sidenote: I started my own drinking game every time she talked about her tragic story. By the end of the show I was carried home like a drunken sailer and now I need Brad’s therapist in more ways than one. Good thing he flew him in from Australia, or wherever he's from. All I know is you just presented me with a guy that can talk about his feelings and has a hot accent. When do we meet and do you mind if I call you daddy?
Cocktail Party:
Newsflash: Fangs, de-fangs and may walk or waddle off the set. She’s not really a vampire after all. Really? Because I haven’t had enough of this whole Twilight thing yet.
Rose Ceremony:
Question #2:
Do they make the girls hold the roses (with both hands) in that ridiculous upright position the entire time?
Note to camera man: Not a good idea to zoom in on one of the girls while she’s making a double chin gesture. It’s sure to cause her severe stress when she’s watching this at home without Brad.
Therapist gains patient #3 immediately.
Who stays? Who goes?
Not like we really care but SOMEHOW we're still watching as if we do. Bottoms up!
-First rose goes to Psycho.(That’s Michelle for any male who is watching and is somehow still mesmerized by her looks…..like Brad. Stop thinking with that pecker stiff boy. Oh! Didn’t mean it like that. But yes, down boy, down I say!)
-Next, The slapper also gets a rose.
Oops, we interrupt this national geographic documentary on, Daddyless Girls and TheirMating Clinging Patterns, to bring you Fangs dramatic exit from the show.
“How could I love you when all these other girls NEED your love …..” Well, something like that.
Let’s just say I half believe her, and the other half (ok the other half-ish) is the Great Wall of China surrounding her fangs (pre-removal), tatas and who-ha.
Break down that wall you action hero you. Ok don’t. You’ve got other girls to pretend to commit to.
Smart girl Madison, here’s your get out of jail free card. Enjoy. Cheers. And Shalom.
And we’re back.
-Lisa (shocked as hell, and so were we)
-Jackie (Who’s Jackie?)
Ashley
Marissa
Brit
Alli
Lindsay
Megan (shocker numero 4 of the evening)
Stacey (don’t worry Stacey; it has nothing to do with the fact that I can do a pap smear on you in that dress. Nothing.)
Until next time. I’m gonna go find my dad, he’s probably lost in Costco.
Volume I, Are You My Mother? was sold out within the first 10 minutes of episode 1. Due to this overwhelming demand they had to publish an updated edition appropriate for this seasons theme.
Next up, Are You My Gardener? You told me I was the only bush you liked.
Somehow I stumbled upon the application for The Bachelor and it looked something like this:
To be accepted on Brad’s season of the Bachelor, please make sure all of the below requirements apply.
1) You were abandoned or dropped on your head by your father.
2) When we say Who’s your daddy? You immediately think of Brad.
3) The only male figure in your life was your Gardner, please see above and keep your bush to yourself.
Thank God we have a therapist on this season because yes, everyone has daddy issues.
Interlude:
Due to unforeseen circumstances, (aka, my new demanding job) I am forced to turn this blog into my version of Cliff notes. DT Notes it is.
Hopefully you will still laugh even if it’s half the amount. What can I say? Daddy is cutting me off and I have to make a living somehow.
Back
One on one date with Ashley:
We start off with entertainment sounding like it came from a Cruise ship. Close your eyes and you’ll totally believe you’re in the “Seagull Lounge” on a Carnival Cruise line. Yes, I know from experience. Don’t ask. I’m still recovering.
Ashley is overwhelmed with emotion. All of which every one (except her) can tell it is from her Father. Yet she thinks the tears are a sign of her love for Brad. Oh honey..it’s too soon to start this nonsense. But thank you for the early entertainment.
Brad to Ashley: “Thank you. for. opening up. I. really appreciate. it. “
(Clearly he went to the same speech class as our favorite Bachelor from Cape Cod).
My advice to the lady: Take the rose beatch before he changes his mind again.
Group Date: Love Hurts – Michelle cries, take IV
How Hollywood, they’re filming an adventure movie.
Funeral Director takes one for the team (the living and the dead….oh…he doesn’t know about this yet….can’t wait to see his reaction. Scratch that, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen him have a reaction - to anything).
Question: When did Michelle become the narrator for the show? I constantly hear her voice, Chris where did you go? Come back, I need you daddy.
Rose goes to funeral director. Is this the kiss of death? I bet she hopes so. Sorry couldn’t resist.
One on one date with Barbie:
A couple things Emily has motivated me to do:
1)Pretend I have a southern accent
2)Get a tan
3)Loose 100 lbs
4)Prepare my teeth as if I’m going to be in a crest commercial
5)Start a petition for her as the new bachelor. Yeah I know she’s still on the show, but let’s face it a sweet girl like her needs a guy with a personality. Let’s not pretend like Brad is capable of the impossible.
Lesson #1 of the day: What not to ask a widow.
“So why did your last relationship end?”
What elephant in the room? I didn’t notice it. Just the platypus in the corner.
Sidenote: I started my own drinking game every time she talked about her tragic story. By the end of the show I was carried home like a drunken sailer and now I need Brad’s therapist in more ways than one. Good thing he flew him in from Australia, or wherever he's from. All I know is you just presented me with a guy that can talk about his feelings and has a hot accent. When do we meet and do you mind if I call you daddy?
Cocktail Party:
Newsflash: Fangs, de-fangs and may walk or waddle off the set. She’s not really a vampire after all. Really? Because I haven’t had enough of this whole Twilight thing yet.
Rose Ceremony:
Question #2:
Do they make the girls hold the roses (with both hands) in that ridiculous upright position the entire time?
Note to camera man: Not a good idea to zoom in on one of the girls while she’s making a double chin gesture. It’s sure to cause her severe stress when she’s watching this at home without Brad.
Therapist gains patient #3 immediately.
Who stays? Who goes?
Not like we really care but SOMEHOW we're still watching as if we do. Bottoms up!
-First rose goes to Psycho.(That’s Michelle for any male who is watching and is somehow still mesmerized by her looks…..like Brad. Stop thinking with that pecker stiff boy. Oh! Didn’t mean it like that. But yes, down boy, down I say!)
-Next, The slapper also gets a rose.
Oops, we interrupt this national geographic documentary on, Daddyless Girls and Their
“How could I love you when all these other girls NEED your love …..” Well, something like that.
Let’s just say I half believe her, and the other half (ok the other half-ish) is the Great Wall of China surrounding her fangs (pre-removal), tatas and who-ha.
Break down that wall you action hero you. Ok don’t. You’ve got other girls to pretend to commit to.
Smart girl Madison, here’s your get out of jail free card. Enjoy. Cheers. And Shalom.
And we’re back.
-Lisa (shocked as hell, and so were we)
-Jackie (Who’s Jackie?)
Ashley
Marissa
Brit
Alli
Lindsay
Megan (shocker numero 4 of the evening)
Stacey (don’t worry Stacey; it has nothing to do with the fact that I can do a pap smear on you in that dress. Nothing.)
Until next time. I’m gonna go find my dad, he’s probably lost in Costco.
“I’ve changed”. And so has that tranny that they snuck on as one of the bachelorettes. (And for a limited time only 10% off your next embalming if you know which one I’m talking about)
So three years later and here we are Brady baby. Either he swallowed a large can of botox or he hasn’t actually changed one bit because he’s still as stiff and lifeless as I last remembered. Ooohhh peeeerrfect for our new neighborhood mortician. Where are the men with personalities? Even multiple would be better than none at this point.
First, the Bachelor gave us that lame “millionare” named Alex who was worse than AT&T's service. Then years later we are presented with a doctor who was so boring his dates probably personally flatlined themselves (once again new clients for Morticia). Then a so called “prince” of some kakamane made up kingdom, whose nose was definitely larger than his personality…among other things I’m sure. Oh and let’s not forget the controlling, verbal abuser they flew in from Texas. Yeehaw! We’re on a roll now.
So, you’re telling us the producers combed the country for the most eligible Bachelor and this is who they came back with? For Christ sakes, just kill me now. Maybe Fangs will do the honors.
Back to our Bradley.
Well where do we begin? A lot has happened during his “time off”. Let me tell you what really changed during his breakdown:
1)He underwent a major Manscapation (new word, just made it up) of his entire chest and back.
2)He didn’t want to be the only one on the show without implants so he had his “ pectorals” done (yes, say it with me folks, pec-tor-als). Please note: he likes to flex them during the close ups.
3)He realized sooner rather than later, I mean later rather than sooner, that he is actually here now for “all the right reasons”. You mean the T & A? Yeah we know tin man, we know.
4)The weight of the world has been lifted from his shoulders. Unfortunately it has been replaced with a 3-D image of Jesus on his back, or maybe it’s just the cross. But in any case, Jesus Brad (pun intended, ok not funny) we get the point. Might I have suggested a small, and delicate tramp stamp on your lower back instead?
And just like his monotone voice, here is what has remained consistent:
1)His speech is still slower than a biggest loser contestant running a marathon.
2)He is still spray tanning like he’s a member of the oompa loompa tribe. Hey, well maybe it is his real skin color. I don’t discriminate. I bash all boring men, even the orange ones.
3)He’s still Brad Womack. Oh, that was low, I’m just kidding. You’re not that bad, at least you’re easy on the eyes. Just don’t make me talk to you. I’d rather scratch my nails on a chalkboard. No really, I would.
Ok, so now that we got that out in the open and before I begin (wait too late, crap, this always happens) I have to genuinely give our main man a high five for diving deep and being man enough to go to therapy when most others would just keep running from the problem(s). Ok no more nice D, we don’t have time for that here.
But hey, just like he said, it’s not his fault his dad was a shmuck. It all goes back to the parents. Yup it’s true, we can always blame our parents for our issues. So this leads me to suggest a new dating service. Screw going out with the actual guy. I think we should skip the fluff and cut to the chase....date the parents. Then we can REALLY see what kind of hot mess we’re getting ourselves into ahead of time. I think I may be onto something. Should I arrange a ladies road trip to the nearest retirement community? Dibs on the hottie in the corner with no teeth – he looked like he was a good time before he turned into a dinosaur.
In conclusion.
Therapy + pectoral implants + life size inflatable tattoo (oh Casey I miss you) on upper back = a changed man. Hooray!
However, in the slight or not so slight case that we don’t actually believe any of the above crap, they do show the customary clip of him twirling around some borrowed kids like he’s Mother effing Teresa. And his mother, god bless her and the sweat dripping down her face, (must be related to Roberto) is there to reinforce this “changed” concept. Oh, OK, OK...now we believe him. Of course we trust her. She’s not biased, it’s only her son.
He’s official.
Kid tested, mother approved. Perfect man for a Kix commercial but not so much for the new contestant on the Bachelor.
Forward, heave ho. (not you Blondie in the back that doesn’t have a chance in hell of getting a rose.)
But before I introduce theseskanks. Bitches. Hustlers. Classy ladies? No, no, skanks. Yes that’s better. Before I introduce them, we see Brad pulling up to our favorite hosed down driveway that we know and love so well.
Stepping out of the limo like a scared baby bird (could he be a Raven? No. A bluejay? No. Oh, I know. Like the Dodo bird from Alice in Wonderland) ready to spread his wings, he painfully makes his way to the interrogation station next to our buddy Chris.
He starts in with, “I wasn’t capable of falling in love” Please Bradford, this blog is long enough. You don’t need to state the obvious. No worries though Mr. Robato, I know a lot of men like you. You must all be from the same litter.
Yes, we all make mistakes. But you my dear orange tiger made them on national television. Which, makes you my new pet project. (evil laugh)
Oh guess what, remember those asses you tapped (before your 3 year dry spell) well here they are. Enter stage left: the wicked witch and her little dog too.
Gulp.
Neck scratch, neck scratch
Loosen tie
Double gulp again like you just had the best slurpee in town. Topped off with the brain freeze look. Ohhh, that one’s a killer. I know.
Jenni and Deanna, nice of you to join us. Cleary Deanna was still angry, fake, and did I mention bossy? She looked like she was trying to do a sales pitch during a bout of constipation. It clearly wasn’t working for her. What’s your deal boss lady? Haven’t you moved on? Aren’t you engaged to your ex-fiancés, ex-girlfriends, new fiancés, twin brother? Say what? I’m confused and all I know to be true is that someone needs to go to Costco and purchase a package of those take home STD tests ahora. I bet there’s some serious things jumping, swimming, and/or whatever they do circling in that group. Time to play crazy cult people and move to Utah. Happy trails to youuuuuuuu.
Enough of this nonsense. And now our lucky Bachelorettes who have this ‘amazing opportunity’ to date our commitment phobe of the week. Is reality TV great or what?
Here we go. The “lucky” (I use this term loosely these days) women of the hour are….
1)First up. First name: Chantal. Last name: “I’m just the messenger.” (Oh, I’m so using that line from now on) SLAP! POW! BAM! It’s like a Batman and Robin episode. Ooooh, but Mikey likes it, he really does. Do it again, do it again! Well. Guess we all know now he likes it rough in bed.
2)Moving on. Kimberley joins us sporting some kind of brass knuckle gear on her hand and wearing her favorite sparkly Forever 21 dress. It’s too bad though, because she’s clearly not. Good thing however, she saved money on her dress because she spent the rest of it on her lip injection (emphasis on the singular). Couldn’t help but think about Elvis as it did this curl thing… She’s trying to be sexy but it’s not exactly there yet. Try again in 3 years like Brad.
3)Alli joins us and tells us she’s willing to give him a second chance. Too bad, he’s probably not with her.
4)Ashley from North Carolina uses her southern accent to lure him in and grab his manscaped ass.
5)Next, we had an unidentified pair of shoes walking out of the limo. Good first impression. Nothing says high maintenance like a pair of designer shoes that you can barely walk in.
6)Marissa asks him if he would be ok with a girl that is obsessed with sports. Really? That’s like asking your boyfriend if he minds having a threesome with the girls next door. Come on now.
7)Poor Lindsay from Dallas. She seems to be missing a link on one of her chromosomes. Tranny alert. Tranny alert.
8)Ashley is cute and sweet and I couldn’t help but notice that her flat, pushed in face bares a striking resemblance to my shih-tzu. Ahh. Good girl. Now sit, roll over, and play dead for our friendly funeral director.
9)Raichel the manscaper. Is that even a word? Not fair, they already know each other, who else waxed his chest before his photoshoots?
10)Just when we thought we were done with all unidentified objects, we spot a white, pointy situation. Alright, do we ignore this cry for attention? Or are we an equal opportunity show? Well let’s see. For starters, she says she knows nothing about him. Ding Ding Ding! IGNORE the fangs. Fangs? What fangs? Madison, I know nothing about you and I’m not one to judge (giggle) but I will say you look like a ridiculous walrus.
11)Melissa jumps into his arms. Yeah, that’s all. Next.
12)Renee comes out of the limo wearing my homecoming dress from 1993. Damn girl, I thought that was still in my closet.
13)Cristy from florida, has a big smile. That will surely change after one conversation with Mr. Personality himself.
14)Jackie who looks exactly like the girl from Glee. Oh and she sings too! It is you. Time for a duet? ...On the Wings of Love...Pinky swear you won’t be the last girl standing. Do it for all of America.
15)Sara P. makes him get down on his knee. Yup, it’s confirmed. He didn’t like it and is never going down on anyone again.
16)Lacey. She wore a purple dress. Hmm, that’s all I remember. Hey Lacey that’s a compliment.
17)Lauren looks sweet but there’s something about her eyes...just can’t place it yet...
18)Lisa P.thank you for coming. We know it was a long drive from Vegas and all. Where did you park your trailer?
19)Shawntel tip toes around trying not to slip and fall. She doesn’t want to break her neck and die since she knows what “they” do with the dead. Roger,10-4, please set this doooozy up with Kirk’s dad STAT! Wondering if anyone caught Brad say, you can make anyone look good? Oh Bradfordson, you have no idea. Should have seen what she did with MJ, he was as black as his monkey when she was done fluffing him.
20)Next up we have a mime. I give her an 8.5 for originality and a 4.5 for that horrible “updo”. Why is Kirk’s family back in the picture? His mom was your stylist, wasn’t she?
21)Poor Stacey from Boston doesn’t know anything about him (shaking head...kids these days...)
22)Hi, “I’m Jill, I’m ready to get married” Wow, why didn’t you just have the mime carry out your eggs on a silver platter while you’re at it?
23)Lisa M. from Kansas and her Dorothy slippers. Cute and original. Memorable. Or was it her African American spray tan? Well it’s not her fault, she is from Kansas. How are they really supposed to know what fake LA girls look like? Do they even get US Weekly there?
24)Rebecca the esthetician. Props to her nice skin! However I doubt Brad is concerned about that considering I’m about to skin him for my new leather purse.
25)J, not Jay but “J”. Sooo 2009. Anyway, it’s her birthday. Happy Quinceañera.
26)Kettle korn and her legs. Legs great, face, mmmm, not so much. Let’s hope personality makes up for it.
27)Sarah L. can’t snap and also can’t make small talk.zzzzzzzzz
28)Emily is clearly gorgeous and looks like a pageant queen. Thank you for taking time off from your duties as Rose Bowl Queen. We know it’s tough to smile and wave all day.
29)Britt had a tough act to follow, but she pulled through and fed the man. Smart woman. He’ll definitely keep you around matter what you look like. A man’s gotta eat, especially after he bangs all the other chics.
30)Last but not least, or maybe? Is Michelle, wasn't she one of the housewives of NYC?
And there you have it; our 30 lucky ladies who get to throw themselves on some guy that they don’t even know. Yay for trashy TV and a 2 hour distraction during the day.
Cocktail party: part therapy, part nervous twitch
The highlight of the night: Our very own Glee singer writes a love song and I do her a favor by filling in the end:
I came here today
To come to LA
Take me away…..
Because you’re probably now gay
Alli talks about her big ass, trying too hard to be one of the Kardashians. Keep trying.
Manscaped, batwings? Hmm sounds like something that would be a good match with Fangs. I finally see something promising here. Love is in the air...every time she takes a bite..
First impression rose:
The lucky lady is no other than Miss southern belle herself. Miss Ashley who pulls the “friend card” right out of his ass where she grabbed it. Good work Scarlett.
Final rose ceremony:
In an effort to save more of your precious moments that you've already lost from watching this show I will present to you the losers... in which case may very well be the winners if you ask me...but hey, who’s asking...
Bye bye Lauren. I’m sorry, you did look sweet, but you also looked like you could be in Avatar. Better luck next time. Go plug your tail into someone else’s flying thingy...he’s just not into that kinda thing. Fangs, yes. Computerish creatures, apparently not.
Adios to Brittney and the dead skunk/updo on her head.
And C'est la vie to some other girls that I don’t even remember and have no intention of remembering. Good luck, and see you back on the show in 10 years when you’re still looking for a bag of dried up nuts.
So what have we learned tonight?
Well, he’s a new man, was in therapy for 3 years, is looking for his wife...with possible fangs and/or dentures will do. Oh, of course he likes the fangs, he’s a scorpio…kinky kinky kinky. Come on Scorpios, don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Your secret is safe with me. Wink wink.
And in case you didn’t hear, he’s a new man. And thank god for that because America wasn't too fond of the old one. Does that mean your twin brother is the old you, too? Sucks to be him. Guess there’s always a rotten egg in the group.
Ps- nice touch with Seal and his comeback?...almost made me teary eyed, thank God I didn't see a rainbow - it’s too early in the season to be the crier.
One last note. He’s changed, let the manscaping begin...
First, the Bachelor gave us that lame “millionare” named Alex who was worse than AT&T's service. Then years later we are presented with a doctor who was so boring his dates probably personally flatlined themselves (once again new clients for Morticia). Then a so called “prince” of some kakamane made up kingdom, whose nose was definitely larger than his personality…among other things I’m sure. Oh and let’s not forget the controlling, verbal abuser they flew in from Texas. Yeehaw! We’re on a roll now.
So, you’re telling us the producers combed the country for the most eligible Bachelor and this is who they came back with? For Christ sakes, just kill me now. Maybe Fangs will do the honors.
Back to our Bradley.
Well where do we begin? A lot has happened during his “time off”. Let me tell you what really changed during his breakdown:
1)He underwent a major Manscapation (new word, just made it up) of his entire chest and back.
2)He didn’t want to be the only one on the show without implants so he had his “ pectorals” done (yes, say it with me folks, pec-tor-als). Please note: he likes to flex them during the close ups.
3)He realized sooner rather than later, I mean later rather than sooner, that he is actually here now for “all the right reasons”. You mean the T & A? Yeah we know tin man, we know.
4)The weight of the world has been lifted from his shoulders. Unfortunately it has been replaced with a 3-D image of Jesus on his back, or maybe it’s just the cross. But in any case, Jesus Brad (pun intended, ok not funny) we get the point. Might I have suggested a small, and delicate tramp stamp on your lower back instead?
And just like his monotone voice, here is what has remained consistent:
1)His speech is still slower than a biggest loser contestant running a marathon.
2)He is still spray tanning like he’s a member of the oompa loompa tribe. Hey, well maybe it is his real skin color. I don’t discriminate. I bash all boring men, even the orange ones.
3)He’s still Brad Womack. Oh, that was low, I’m just kidding. You’re not that bad, at least you’re easy on the eyes. Just don’t make me talk to you. I’d rather scratch my nails on a chalkboard. No really, I would.
Ok, so now that we got that out in the open and before I begin (wait too late, crap, this always happens) I have to genuinely give our main man a high five for diving deep and being man enough to go to therapy when most others would just keep running from the problem(s). Ok no more nice D, we don’t have time for that here.
But hey, just like he said, it’s not his fault his dad was a shmuck. It all goes back to the parents. Yup it’s true, we can always blame our parents for our issues. So this leads me to suggest a new dating service. Screw going out with the actual guy. I think we should skip the fluff and cut to the chase....date the parents. Then we can REALLY see what kind of hot mess we’re getting ourselves into ahead of time. I think I may be onto something. Should I arrange a ladies road trip to the nearest retirement community? Dibs on the hottie in the corner with no teeth – he looked like he was a good time before he turned into a dinosaur.
In conclusion.
Therapy + pectoral implants + life size inflatable tattoo (oh Casey I miss you) on upper back = a changed man. Hooray!
However, in the slight or not so slight case that we don’t actually believe any of the above crap, they do show the customary clip of him twirling around some borrowed kids like he’s Mother effing Teresa. And his mother, god bless her and the sweat dripping down her face, (must be related to Roberto) is there to reinforce this “changed” concept. Oh, OK, OK...now we believe him. Of course we trust her. She’s not biased, it’s only her son.
He’s official.
Kid tested, mother approved. Perfect man for a Kix commercial but not so much for the new contestant on the Bachelor.
Forward, heave ho. (not you Blondie in the back that doesn’t have a chance in hell of getting a rose.)
But before I introduce these
Stepping out of the limo like a scared baby bird (could he be a Raven? No. A bluejay? No. Oh, I know. Like the Dodo bird from Alice in Wonderland) ready to spread his wings, he painfully makes his way to the interrogation station next to our buddy Chris.
He starts in with, “I wasn’t capable of falling in love” Please Bradford, this blog is long enough. You don’t need to state the obvious. No worries though Mr. Robato, I know a lot of men like you. You must all be from the same litter.
Yes, we all make mistakes. But you my dear orange tiger made them on national television. Which, makes you my new pet project. (evil laugh)
Oh guess what, remember those asses you tapped (before your 3 year dry spell) well here they are. Enter stage left: the wicked witch and her little dog too.
Gulp.
Neck scratch, neck scratch
Loosen tie
Double gulp again like you just had the best slurpee in town. Topped off with the brain freeze look. Ohhh, that one’s a killer. I know.
Jenni and Deanna, nice of you to join us. Cleary Deanna was still angry, fake, and did I mention bossy? She looked like she was trying to do a sales pitch during a bout of constipation. It clearly wasn’t working for her. What’s your deal boss lady? Haven’t you moved on? Aren’t you engaged to your ex-fiancés, ex-girlfriends, new fiancés, twin brother? Say what? I’m confused and all I know to be true is that someone needs to go to Costco and purchase a package of those take home STD tests ahora. I bet there’s some serious things jumping, swimming, and/or whatever they do circling in that group. Time to play crazy cult people and move to Utah. Happy trails to youuuuuuuu.
Enough of this nonsense. And now our lucky Bachelorettes who have this ‘amazing opportunity’ to date our commitment phobe of the week. Is reality TV great or what?
Here we go. The “lucky” (I use this term loosely these days) women of the hour are….
1)First up. First name: Chantal. Last name: “I’m just the messenger.” (Oh, I’m so using that line from now on) SLAP! POW! BAM! It’s like a Batman and Robin episode. Ooooh, but Mikey likes it, he really does. Do it again, do it again! Well. Guess we all know now he likes it rough in bed.
2)Moving on. Kimberley joins us sporting some kind of brass knuckle gear on her hand and wearing her favorite sparkly Forever 21 dress. It’s too bad though, because she’s clearly not. Good thing however, she saved money on her dress because she spent the rest of it on her lip injection (emphasis on the singular). Couldn’t help but think about Elvis as it did this curl thing… She’s trying to be sexy but it’s not exactly there yet. Try again in 3 years like Brad.
3)Alli joins us and tells us she’s willing to give him a second chance. Too bad, he’s probably not with her.
4)Ashley from North Carolina uses her southern accent to lure him in and grab his manscaped ass.
5)Next, we had an unidentified pair of shoes walking out of the limo. Good first impression. Nothing says high maintenance like a pair of designer shoes that you can barely walk in.
6)Marissa asks him if he would be ok with a girl that is obsessed with sports. Really? That’s like asking your boyfriend if he minds having a threesome with the girls next door. Come on now.
7)Poor Lindsay from Dallas. She seems to be missing a link on one of her chromosomes. Tranny alert. Tranny alert.
8)Ashley is cute and sweet and I couldn’t help but notice that her flat, pushed in face bares a striking resemblance to my shih-tzu. Ahh. Good girl. Now sit, roll over, and play dead for our friendly funeral director.
9)Raichel the manscaper. Is that even a word? Not fair, they already know each other, who else waxed his chest before his photoshoots?
10)Just when we thought we were done with all unidentified objects, we spot a white, pointy situation. Alright, do we ignore this cry for attention? Or are we an equal opportunity show? Well let’s see. For starters, she says she knows nothing about him. Ding Ding Ding! IGNORE the fangs. Fangs? What fangs? Madison, I know nothing about you and I’m not one to judge (giggle) but I will say you look like a ridiculous walrus.
11)Melissa jumps into his arms. Yeah, that’s all. Next.
12)Renee comes out of the limo wearing my homecoming dress from 1993. Damn girl, I thought that was still in my closet.
13)Cristy from florida, has a big smile. That will surely change after one conversation with Mr. Personality himself.
14)Jackie who looks exactly like the girl from Glee. Oh and she sings too! It is you. Time for a duet? ...On the Wings of Love...Pinky swear you won’t be the last girl standing. Do it for all of America.
15)Sara P. makes him get down on his knee. Yup, it’s confirmed. He didn’t like it and is never going down on anyone again.
16)Lacey. She wore a purple dress. Hmm, that’s all I remember. Hey Lacey that’s a compliment.
17)Lauren looks sweet but there’s something about her eyes...just can’t place it yet...
18)Lisa P.thank you for coming. We know it was a long drive from Vegas and all. Where did you park your trailer?
19)Shawntel tip toes around trying not to slip and fall. She doesn’t want to break her neck and die since she knows what “they” do with the dead. Roger,10-4, please set this doooozy up with Kirk’s dad STAT! Wondering if anyone caught Brad say, you can make anyone look good? Oh Bradfordson, you have no idea. Should have seen what she did with MJ, he was as black as his monkey when she was done fluffing him.
20)Next up we have a mime. I give her an 8.5 for originality and a 4.5 for that horrible “updo”. Why is Kirk’s family back in the picture? His mom was your stylist, wasn’t she?
21)Poor Stacey from Boston doesn’t know anything about him (shaking head...kids these days...)
22)Hi, “I’m Jill, I’m ready to get married” Wow, why didn’t you just have the mime carry out your eggs on a silver platter while you’re at it?
23)Lisa M. from Kansas and her Dorothy slippers. Cute and original. Memorable. Or was it her African American spray tan? Well it’s not her fault, she is from Kansas. How are they really supposed to know what fake LA girls look like? Do they even get US Weekly there?
24)Rebecca the esthetician. Props to her nice skin! However I doubt Brad is concerned about that considering I’m about to skin him for my new leather purse.
25)J, not Jay but “J”. Sooo 2009. Anyway, it’s her birthday. Happy Quinceañera.
26)Kettle korn and her legs. Legs great, face, mmmm, not so much. Let’s hope personality makes up for it.
27)Sarah L. can’t snap and also can’t make small talk.zzzzzzzzz
28)Emily is clearly gorgeous and looks like a pageant queen. Thank you for taking time off from your duties as Rose Bowl Queen. We know it’s tough to smile and wave all day.
29)Britt had a tough act to follow, but she pulled through and fed the man. Smart woman. He’ll definitely keep you around matter what you look like. A man’s gotta eat, especially after he bangs all the other chics.
30)Last but not least, or maybe? Is Michelle, wasn't she one of the housewives of NYC?
And there you have it; our 30 lucky ladies who get to throw themselves on some guy that they don’t even know. Yay for trashy TV and a 2 hour distraction during the day.
Cocktail party: part therapy, part nervous twitch
The highlight of the night: Our very own Glee singer writes a love song and I do her a favor by filling in the end:
I came here today
To come to LA
Take me away…..
Because you’re probably now gay
Alli talks about her big ass, trying too hard to be one of the Kardashians. Keep trying.
Manscaped, batwings? Hmm sounds like something that would be a good match with Fangs. I finally see something promising here. Love is in the air...every time she takes a bite..
First impression rose:
The lucky lady is no other than Miss southern belle herself. Miss Ashley who pulls the “friend card” right out of his ass where she grabbed it. Good work Scarlett.
Final rose ceremony:
In an effort to save more of your precious moments that you've already lost from watching this show I will present to you the losers... in which case may very well be the winners if you ask me...but hey, who’s asking...
Bye bye Lauren. I’m sorry, you did look sweet, but you also looked like you could be in Avatar. Better luck next time. Go plug your tail into someone else’s flying thingy...he’s just not into that kinda thing. Fangs, yes. Computerish creatures, apparently not.
Adios to Brittney and the dead skunk/updo on her head.
And C'est la vie to some other girls that I don’t even remember and have no intention of remembering. Good luck, and see you back on the show in 10 years when you’re still looking for a bag of dried up nuts.
So what have we learned tonight?
Well, he’s a new man, was in therapy for 3 years, is looking for his wife...with possible fangs and/or dentures will do. Oh, of course he likes the fangs, he’s a scorpio…kinky kinky kinky. Come on Scorpios, don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Your secret is safe with me. Wink wink.
And in case you didn’t hear, he’s a new man. And thank god for that because America wasn't too fond of the old one. Does that mean your twin brother is the old you, too? Sucks to be him. Guess there’s always a rotten egg in the group.
Ps- nice touch with Seal and his comeback?...almost made me teary eyed, thank God I didn't see a rainbow - it’s too early in the season to be the crier.
One last note. He’s changed, let the manscaping begin...
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