First, the Bachelor gave us that lame “millionare” named Alex who was worse than AT&T's service. Then years later we are presented with a doctor who was so boring his dates probably personally flatlined themselves (once again new clients for Morticia). Then a so called “prince” of some kakamane made up kingdom, whose nose was definitely larger than his personality…among other things I’m sure. Oh and let’s not forget the controlling, verbal abuser they flew in from Texas. Yeehaw! We’re on a roll now.
So, you’re telling us the producers combed the country for the most eligible Bachelor and this is who they came back with? For Christ sakes, just kill me now. Maybe Fangs will do the honors.
Back to our Bradley.
Well where do we begin? A lot has happened during his “time off”. Let me tell you what really changed during his breakdown:
1)He underwent a major Manscapation (new word, just made it up) of his entire chest and back.
2)He didn’t want to be the only one on the show without implants so he had his “ pectorals” done (yes, say it with me folks, pec-tor-als). Please note: he likes to flex them during the close ups.
3)He realized sooner rather than later, I mean later rather than sooner, that he is actually here now for “all the right reasons”. You mean the T & A? Yeah we know tin man, we know.
4)The weight of the world has been lifted from his shoulders. Unfortunately it has been replaced with a 3-D image of Jesus on his back, or maybe it’s just the cross. But in any case, Jesus Brad (pun intended, ok not funny) we get the point. Might I have suggested a small, and delicate tramp stamp on your lower back instead?
And just like his monotone voice, here is what has remained consistent:
1)His speech is still slower than a biggest loser contestant running a marathon.
2)He is still spray tanning like he’s a member of the oompa loompa tribe. Hey, well maybe it is his real skin color. I don’t discriminate. I bash all boring men, even the orange ones.
3)He’s still Brad Womack. Oh, that was low, I’m just kidding. You’re not that bad, at least you’re easy on the eyes. Just don’t make me talk to you. I’d rather scratch my nails on a chalkboard. No really, I would.
Ok, so now that we got that out in the open and before I begin (wait too late, crap, this always happens) I have to genuinely give our main man a high five for diving deep and being man enough to go to therapy when most others would just keep running from the problem(s). Ok no more nice D, we don’t have time for that here.
But hey, just like he said, it’s not his fault his dad was a shmuck. It all goes back to the parents. Yup it’s true, we can always blame our parents for our issues. So this leads me to suggest a new dating service. Screw going out with the actual guy. I think we should skip the fluff and cut to the chase....date the parents. Then we can REALLY see what kind of hot mess we’re getting ourselves into ahead of time. I think I may be onto something. Should I arrange a ladies road trip to the nearest retirement community? Dibs on the hottie in the corner with no teeth – he looked like he was a good time before he turned into a dinosaur.
In conclusion.
Therapy + pectoral implants + life size inflatable tattoo (oh Casey I miss you) on upper back = a changed man. Hooray!
However, in the slight or not so slight case that we don’t actually believe any of the above crap, they do show the customary clip of him twirling around some borrowed kids like he’s Mother effing Teresa. And his mother, god bless her and the sweat dripping down her face, (must be related to Roberto) is there to reinforce this “changed” concept. Oh, OK, OK...now we believe him. Of course we trust her. She’s not biased, it’s only her son.
He’s official.
Kid tested, mother approved. Perfect man for a Kix commercial but not so much for the new contestant on the Bachelor.
Forward, heave ho. (not you Blondie in the back that doesn’t have a chance in hell of getting a rose.)
But before I introduce these
Stepping out of the limo like a scared baby bird (could he be a Raven? No. A bluejay? No. Oh, I know. Like the Dodo bird from Alice in Wonderland) ready to spread his wings, he painfully makes his way to the interrogation station next to our buddy Chris.
He starts in with, “I wasn’t capable of falling in love” Please Bradford, this blog is long enough. You don’t need to state the obvious. No worries though Mr. Robato, I know a lot of men like you. You must all be from the same litter.
Yes, we all make mistakes. But you my dear orange tiger made them on national television. Which, makes you my new pet project. (evil laugh)
Oh guess what, remember those asses you tapped (before your 3 year dry spell) well here they are. Enter stage left: the wicked witch and her little dog too.
Gulp.
Neck scratch, neck scratch
Loosen tie
Double gulp again like you just had the best slurpee in town. Topped off with the brain freeze look. Ohhh, that one’s a killer. I know.
Jenni and Deanna, nice of you to join us. Cleary Deanna was still angry, fake, and did I mention bossy? She looked like she was trying to do a sales pitch during a bout of constipation. It clearly wasn’t working for her. What’s your deal boss lady? Haven’t you moved on? Aren’t you engaged to your ex-fiancés, ex-girlfriends, new fiancés, twin brother? Say what? I’m confused and all I know to be true is that someone needs to go to Costco and purchase a package of those take home STD tests ahora. I bet there’s some serious things jumping, swimming, and/or whatever they do circling in that group. Time to play crazy cult people and move to Utah. Happy trails to youuuuuuuu.
Enough of this nonsense. And now our lucky Bachelorettes who have this ‘amazing opportunity’ to date our commitment phobe of the week. Is reality TV great or what?
Here we go. The “lucky” (I use this term loosely these days) women of the hour are….
1)First up. First name: Chantal. Last name: “I’m just the messenger.” (Oh, I’m so using that line from now on) SLAP! POW! BAM! It’s like a Batman and Robin episode. Ooooh, but Mikey likes it, he really does. Do it again, do it again! Well. Guess we all know now he likes it rough in bed.
2)Moving on. Kimberley joins us sporting some kind of brass knuckle gear on her hand and wearing her favorite sparkly Forever 21 dress. It’s too bad though, because she’s clearly not. Good thing however, she saved money on her dress because she spent the rest of it on her lip injection (emphasis on the singular). Couldn’t help but think about Elvis as it did this curl thing… She’s trying to be sexy but it’s not exactly there yet. Try again in 3 years like Brad.
3)Alli joins us and tells us she’s willing to give him a second chance. Too bad, he’s probably not with her.
4)Ashley from North Carolina uses her southern accent to lure him in and grab his manscaped ass.
5)Next, we had an unidentified pair of shoes walking out of the limo. Good first impression. Nothing says high maintenance like a pair of designer shoes that you can barely walk in.
6)Marissa asks him if he would be ok with a girl that is obsessed with sports. Really? That’s like asking your boyfriend if he minds having a threesome with the girls next door. Come on now.
7)Poor Lindsay from Dallas. She seems to be missing a link on one of her chromosomes. Tranny alert. Tranny alert.
8)Ashley is cute and sweet and I couldn’t help but notice that her flat, pushed in face bares a striking resemblance to my shih-tzu. Ahh. Good girl. Now sit, roll over, and play dead for our friendly funeral director.
9)Raichel the manscaper. Is that even a word? Not fair, they already know each other, who else waxed his chest before his photoshoots?
10)Just when we thought we were done with all unidentified objects, we spot a white, pointy situation. Alright, do we ignore this cry for attention? Or are we an equal opportunity show? Well let’s see. For starters, she says she knows nothing about him. Ding Ding Ding! IGNORE the fangs. Fangs? What fangs? Madison, I know nothing about you and I’m not one to judge (giggle) but I will say you look like a ridiculous walrus.
11)Melissa jumps into his arms. Yeah, that’s all. Next.
12)Renee comes out of the limo wearing my homecoming dress from 1993. Damn girl, I thought that was still in my closet.
13)Cristy from florida, has a big smile. That will surely change after one conversation with Mr. Personality himself.
14)Jackie who looks exactly like the girl from Glee. Oh and she sings too! It is you. Time for a duet? ...On the Wings of Love...Pinky swear you won’t be the last girl standing. Do it for all of America.
15)Sara P. makes him get down on his knee. Yup, it’s confirmed. He didn’t like it and is never going down on anyone again.
16)Lacey. She wore a purple dress. Hmm, that’s all I remember. Hey Lacey that’s a compliment.
17)Lauren looks sweet but there’s something about her eyes...just can’t place it yet...
18)Lisa P.thank you for coming. We know it was a long drive from Vegas and all. Where did you park your trailer?
19)Shawntel tip toes around trying not to slip and fall. She doesn’t want to break her neck and die since she knows what “they” do with the dead. Roger,10-4, please set this doooozy up with Kirk’s dad STAT! Wondering if anyone caught Brad say, you can make anyone look good? Oh Bradfordson, you have no idea. Should have seen what she did with MJ, he was as black as his monkey when she was done fluffing him.
20)Next up we have a mime. I give her an 8.5 for originality and a 4.5 for that horrible “updo”. Why is Kirk’s family back in the picture? His mom was your stylist, wasn’t she?
21)Poor Stacey from Boston doesn’t know anything about him (shaking head...kids these days...)
22)Hi, “I’m Jill, I’m ready to get married” Wow, why didn’t you just have the mime carry out your eggs on a silver platter while you’re at it?
23)Lisa M. from Kansas and her Dorothy slippers. Cute and original. Memorable. Or was it her African American spray tan? Well it’s not her fault, she is from Kansas. How are they really supposed to know what fake LA girls look like? Do they even get US Weekly there?
24)Rebecca the esthetician. Props to her nice skin! However I doubt Brad is concerned about that considering I’m about to skin him for my new leather purse.
25)J, not Jay but “J”. Sooo 2009. Anyway, it’s her birthday. Happy Quinceañera.
26)Kettle korn and her legs. Legs great, face, mmmm, not so much. Let’s hope personality makes up for it.
27)Sarah L. can’t snap and also can’t make small talk.zzzzzzzzz
28)Emily is clearly gorgeous and looks like a pageant queen. Thank you for taking time off from your duties as Rose Bowl Queen. We know it’s tough to smile and wave all day.
29)Britt had a tough act to follow, but she pulled through and fed the man. Smart woman. He’ll definitely keep you around matter what you look like. A man’s gotta eat, especially after he bangs all the other chics.
30)Last but not least, or maybe? Is Michelle, wasn't she one of the housewives of NYC?
And there you have it; our 30 lucky ladies who get to throw themselves on some guy that they don’t even know. Yay for trashy TV and a 2 hour distraction during the day.
Cocktail party: part therapy, part nervous twitch
The highlight of the night: Our very own Glee singer writes a love song and I do her a favor by filling in the end:
I came here today
To come to LA
Take me away…..
Because you’re probably now gay
Alli talks about her big ass, trying too hard to be one of the Kardashians. Keep trying.
Manscaped, batwings? Hmm sounds like something that would be a good match with Fangs. I finally see something promising here. Love is in the air...every time she takes a bite..
First impression rose:
The lucky lady is no other than Miss southern belle herself. Miss Ashley who pulls the “friend card” right out of his ass where she grabbed it. Good work Scarlett.
Final rose ceremony:
In an effort to save more of your precious moments that you've already lost from watching this show I will present to you the losers... in which case may very well be the winners if you ask me...but hey, who’s asking...
Bye bye Lauren. I’m sorry, you did look sweet, but you also looked like you could be in Avatar. Better luck next time. Go plug your tail into someone else’s flying thingy...he’s just not into that kinda thing. Fangs, yes. Computerish creatures, apparently not.
Adios to Brittney and the dead skunk/updo on her head.
And C'est la vie to some other girls that I don’t even remember and have no intention of remembering. Good luck, and see you back on the show in 10 years when you’re still looking for a bag of dried up nuts.
So what have we learned tonight?
Well, he’s a new man, was in therapy for 3 years, is looking for his wife...with possible fangs and/or dentures will do. Oh, of course he likes the fangs, he’s a scorpio…kinky kinky kinky. Come on Scorpios, don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Your secret is safe with me. Wink wink.
And in case you didn’t hear, he’s a new man. And thank god for that because America wasn't too fond of the old one. Does that mean your twin brother is the old you, too? Sucks to be him. Guess there’s always a rotten egg in the group.
Ps- nice touch with Seal and his comeback?...almost made me teary eyed, thank God I didn't see a rainbow - it’s too early in the season to be the crier.
One last note. He’s changed, let the manscaping begin...
hysterical yet SO TRUE!!!
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