Volume I, Are You My Mother? was sold out within the first 10 minutes of episode 1. Due to this overwhelming demand they had to publish an updated edition appropriate for this seasons theme.
Next up, Are You My Gardener? You told me I was the only bush you liked.
Somehow I stumbled upon the application for The Bachelor and it looked something like this:
To be accepted on Brad’s season of the Bachelor, please make sure all of the below requirements apply.
1) You were abandoned or dropped on your head by your father.
2) When we say Who’s your daddy? You immediately think of Brad.
3) The only male figure in your life was your Gardner, please see above and keep your bush to yourself.
Thank God we have a therapist on this season because yes, everyone has daddy issues.
Interlude:
Due to unforeseen circumstances, (aka, my new demanding job) I am forced to turn this blog into my version of Cliff notes. DT Notes it is.
Hopefully you will still laugh even if it’s half the amount. What can I say? Daddy is cutting me off and I have to make a living somehow.
Back
One on one date with Ashley:
We start off with entertainment sounding like it came from a Cruise ship. Close your eyes and you’ll totally believe you’re in the “Seagull Lounge” on a Carnival Cruise line. Yes, I know from experience. Don’t ask. I’m still recovering.
Ashley is overwhelmed with emotion. All of which every one (except her) can tell it is from her Father. Yet she thinks the tears are a sign of her love for Brad. Oh honey..it’s too soon to start this nonsense. But thank you for the early entertainment.
Brad to Ashley: “Thank you. for. opening up. I. really appreciate. it. “
(Clearly he went to the same speech class as our favorite Bachelor from Cape Cod).
My advice to the lady: Take the rose beatch before he changes his mind again.
Group Date: Love Hurts – Michelle cries, take IV
How Hollywood, they’re filming an adventure movie.
Funeral Director takes one for the team (the living and the dead….oh…he doesn’t know about this yet….can’t wait to see his reaction. Scratch that, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen him have a reaction - to anything).
Question: When did Michelle become the narrator for the show? I constantly hear her voice, Chris where did you go? Come back, I need you daddy.
Rose goes to funeral director. Is this the kiss of death? I bet she hopes so. Sorry couldn’t resist.
One on one date with Barbie:
A couple things Emily has motivated me to do:
1)Pretend I have a southern accent
2)Get a tan
3)Loose 100 lbs
4)Prepare my teeth as if I’m going to be in a crest commercial
5)Start a petition for her as the new bachelor. Yeah I know she’s still on the show, but let’s face it a sweet girl like her needs a guy with a personality. Let’s not pretend like Brad is capable of the impossible.
Lesson #1 of the day: What not to ask a widow.
“So why did your last relationship end?”
What elephant in the room? I didn’t notice it. Just the platypus in the corner.
Sidenote: I started my own drinking game every time she talked about her tragic story. By the end of the show I was carried home like a drunken sailer and now I need Brad’s therapist in more ways than one. Good thing he flew him in from Australia, or wherever he's from. All I know is you just presented me with a guy that can talk about his feelings and has a hot accent. When do we meet and do you mind if I call you daddy?
Cocktail Party:
Newsflash: Fangs, de-fangs and may walk or waddle off the set. She’s not really a vampire after all. Really? Because I haven’t had enough of this whole Twilight thing yet.
Rose Ceremony:
Question #2:
Do they make the girls hold the roses (with both hands) in that ridiculous upright position the entire time?
Note to camera man: Not a good idea to zoom in on one of the girls while she’s making a double chin gesture. It’s sure to cause her severe stress when she’s watching this at home without Brad.
Therapist gains patient #3 immediately.
Who stays? Who goes?
Not like we really care but SOMEHOW we're still watching as if we do. Bottoms up!
-First rose goes to Psycho.(That’s Michelle for any male who is watching and is somehow still mesmerized by her looks…..like Brad. Stop thinking with that pecker stiff boy. Oh! Didn’t mean it like that. But yes, down boy, down I say!)
-Next, The slapper also gets a rose.
Oops, we interrupt this national geographic documentary on, Daddyless Girls and Their
“How could I love you when all these other girls NEED your love …..” Well, something like that.
Let’s just say I half believe her, and the other half (ok the other half-ish) is the Great Wall of China surrounding her fangs (pre-removal), tatas and who-ha.
Break down that wall you action hero you. Ok don’t. You’ve got other girls to pretend to commit to.
Smart girl Madison, here’s your get out of jail free card. Enjoy. Cheers. And Shalom.
And we’re back.
-Lisa (shocked as hell, and so were we)
-Jackie (Who’s Jackie?)
Ashley
Marissa
Brit
Alli
Lindsay
Megan (shocker numero 4 of the evening)
Stacey (don’t worry Stacey; it has nothing to do with the fact that I can do a pap smear on you in that dress. Nothing.)
Until next time. I’m gonna go find my dad, he’s probably lost in Costco.
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