Muppets Take Masculinity

OK, since we all know how amazing this last episode was (and by amazing I mean staring at the drool on my pillow from when I fell asleep and studying it like cloud formations was more titillating than the show) it’s taken me days to find my way back to the yellow brick road.

The show starts off with a breaking news report! as if filming the Bachelorette in Charlotte was as news worthy as when Bin Laden was “killed”.

“  ”

We won’t go there. This is a kid’s show after all.

First scene shows Emily sitting around with her friends at a park discussing the excitement that’s about to unfold.

Excitement?

I felt like being positive.

What’s important to note here is that we clearly have a case of BDS - bridesmaid dress syndrome. Nice to know that Emily was able to scope out the fugiest (I know its mean, but when I’m nice you don’t read) of friends to make herself look good even better.

Pssst someone’s secretly a beeeeyaaatch….

First date card goes to Ryan.

Diagnosis: definitely a douche.

Words of wisdom from his Pastor, “If you treat a woman like a queen they will treat you like a king.” Did your Pastor also say that you will get crazy mad bj’s that way too?
Just wondering.

So the date is amazing, they’re crusin’ in a DeLorean to the Jersey Shore. Actually no, that would have been epic. Even better, they’re unpacking groceries and baking cookies. At least they could have thrown in an apple pie, so his balls wouldn’t have turned 50 shades of blue.

Let’s face it. He’s thrilled.

 “I think it’s too early to tell how Ryan would treat me in a marriage.”

Aaaaaannnd just out of curiosity what makes you say that?

?

?

…..

?

Side note: Barbie is still pretty, but waiting for personality to come out.  I believe in miracles. I am blogging about this episode after all.

Group date. 
Wait for it…
....welcome to the Muppet show!

WTF

I realize she has a daughter, but NO ONE wants to watch Romper Room at 9:00 at night…on a MONDAY. Give us some good ole’ American white trash making out. Admit it; most of you know you aren’t getting any from your spouse’s anyway, why else would you agree to kill your brain cells for 2 hrs a week? Don’t get defensive, I’m here for you.

Anyway, if we must deal with these green things….I think there’s some major foreshadowing going on here. The truth of the matter is we all know that by the end of the show she’s gonna have her hand up one guy’s ass controlling him too. Kermie you’re not the only one that’s gonna be whipped.

Soooo, Charlie can’t talk. Good to know. That actually makes them extremely compatible.

Curtains open and Marilyn Monroe makes her debut. And now we officially know why she didn’t go on Dancing with the Stars. Note to readers: Babbet has nice lips, nice frozen face, maybe nice tata’s (still yet to be determined), however, she no talkie and cannot dance. Better yet, let me rephrase that. She dances like a white girl that ran out of Pepto Bismol and couldn’t wait to get to a bathroom.

And the ultimate blue ball comment of the night. “I was a proud mama to see the guys go out there and….”

Let me repeat: never again use these two (very very not sexy and non user friendly in this environment) words.

Rhymes with loud llama.

“proud mama”

eeeeek

Not exactly what you want to hear from your “future wife”.

Let’s get real for a second. Even if a guy loves kids, that doesn’t mean he wants to be on a dating show that was attacked by Sesame Street…unless it turns into one of those Japanese porn cartoon things but in that case he definitely does not deserve a rose. Just directions to the nearest therapist.

Please hold while I get my coloring book and draw a big SOS sign.

And now they’re singing, Rainbow Connection? She definitely just turned into a lesbian.

Best lie of the evening: “Singing with the Muppets doesn’t get any better than that”

Pardon me eligible bachelor, excuse my French, let me say this eloquently…. le you’re full of shite. (accent over the e please).

If she was ugly you’d be hitchhiking your way out of North Carolina even if Charles Manson was the driver.

Good news is I found a picture Emily's Muppet doppelganger.

(Thrilled to know they're even giving lip injections to Muppets these days. How "PC")

Evening group date.

Rated NC-17. (State Slogan: Welcome to North Carolina, where we date like we’re 17)

Observations: She likes Jef.
I think she has a crush on him because he looks like a 13 year old and is missing an F.

FFFFFFFF+ck?

Yup, he gets a rose. We all know she just really wants more children.

One on One Date with Joe

Destination: Hometown of West Virginia.

Ahhh, it all makes sense now. She never had any teeth hence the mouth guard she’s wearing.

So we go from being in elementary school to being interviewed for an internship.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

“Happy”.

Hmmm, with one P or two?  And do you spell your name like JeF?

Wait, they’re writing vows now? Clearly he didn’t take lessons from Courtney and Carrie Bradshaw because he does not get a rose.

But no need to worry because the interview process ended just as formally as it started.

 “I get it, we can part ways now”

“Thank you, this was a great opportunity”

Emily don’t cry, you have 25 other little boys waiting for you to change their diapers. Things can only go up from here. Especially with the Muppets as an aphrodisiac.

Cocktail party highlights

Ryan writes her a letter…in the form of a scroll. How Macbeth of him. Stay tuned for next week when he gives her a scrapbook from his new Meetup group.

Meanwhile if you could be a fly on the wall. Ohhhhh, hi Tony didn’t see you there.

“I have a rule, if you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you’re a dude, you’re a….”

Yes, I have that rule too, and it usually means you’re my cabana boy and get to carry my luggage.

Roses

Is this where Chris mentions most boring episode ever?

Kowloon and his luxury attitude

Arie. Vrmmmmmmmm (sorry, entertaining myself here)

Michael

Nate – who?

Sean

Chris

Doug (Yes please)

Travis

Tony 

John

Allesandro – does he still want her to speak Spanish in Brazil?

Charlie - at least he was able to say yes.

Alejandro – or is he from Brazil? Si o no?

Stevie - only because he just sponsored an orphan to become a dad. Or was that Tony? They confuse me for some reason. Sorry guys, it’s not you…it’s me.

So we say bye bye to Clark Kent and Kyle. It was nice not knowing you both.

.....And their thoughts for the evening.

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it...

All I want to know is did we just see a clip of the egg breaking?

Mazel tov!!!

My final thoughts on this G rated episode. Where was Rated R when we needed him most?