For a limited time only......

Ok, so I admit I was sick of reading really lame Bachelor blogs and I felt that it was/is my karmic (heavy stuff) responsibility as a loyal Bachelor fan to recap the real story of what happened. And this goes out to all 5 of you who begged and pleaded me to blog. Trager sisters unite!

Oh no, does this mean I’m Jenna?

Once again my blog will come and it will go, you/I will never know when I may post another one, BUT I can assure you I will try harder than Courtney faking her interest in Ben.

Really? That’s all I got? I must be a little rusty.

Here goes nothing…and I mean nothing….

Hold on tight. Not that tight you may pop all these implants. Flotation devices activated. Engines running and Benny Boy is up and ready to go.
Up?

(That’s what she said)

We begin with Ben talking to the camera about 18 beautiful women coming to Sonoma. Yes the town is now filled and reaching max capacity at 22.

Go tourism!

Where was I?

“I wonder what my father would say to me at a time like this?”

Umm 2 words.

Trojan maaaan!

In all seriousness (because this is seriously, serious stuff. Sssssssss. Sally sells sea shells at the Sea Shore. What?) Was that really his house or a day spa? Sign me up. I need a facial. Any kind at this point will do.

First date with Kacie B.
(and yes please refer to her like B is her last name). Benny thinks so. Shhhh.

“This could be the first date of the guy I’m gonna marry” Ok now we know Kacie B is a gonner. Kiss of death riiiiiigghht about now.

“This is my home; this is probably where I’m gonna live the rest of my life.”

Translation: ladylover, if we be shacking up, you be packing your bags ‘cause I’m not going anywhere. You come to me. Ben want food. Ben want sex. Ben want woman in kitchen making his food.

“Ben brings out things in me that I haven’t been in touch with in a long time” Hmm Kacie B you mean like that penis that you have tucked away? Oh I hope not, but that would really be a good twist in the story. Wait is this a story? Yes, it’s a real life romantic story of 2 people falling in love in Bachelorville (nearest cross streets: desperado ave. and gag me blvd.) and living happy ever after.

..Just like Kim K. and that tall, overgrown baby who walked down the aisle with her.

Next.

This one time at band camp…..

Wait, do people ACTUALLY do that?? I thought baton twirling was just stuff they did on the Brady Bunch. Well, what do I know? I still think Ben is in love with forehead girl. I mean, he said he loved her. And it was 5 weeks and all.

Deep.

Continue scene: Ben (wanting to kill himself) twirls baton down the street. Oh, he is so using this as payday when the opportunity arises.

Ben thinks to himself hmm..maybe she can twirl my wee-wee like she can twirl that baton?

Handy j’s coming to a theater near Ben. Get your shake weight ready Kacie B. and start training for opening night.

Payback is a beeeatch.

According to Kacie B. everything is romantic. Does that include your side burns?

Side note: Kacie B. you are pretty cute but we gottsta laser those sideburns on you honey b. I can almost slide down them like Rapunzel. Find a Groupon if you must, just remove them immediately if you want me to be nice to you. And I think I like you more than the others so do yourself a favor please.

Favor quote of the night:
Ben to Kacie B.: “I need to see the south..the real south”
Ben: No, I didn’t mean your va-jay..but yes that too!

Most bs quote of the night:
“I can see you here, I can see you in Sonoma”

Oy vey Ben keep the mouth shut. Kacie Beeeeeee, he’s drunk, horny and on TV, shits gonna come out of his mouth. (psst. He says that to every girl, even the ones at the elementary school)

Most 24 year oldish quote of the night:
“I think I have found what could be a lifetime of love with Ben.”

Oh, remember the days when we were all that naive. Ahhh, yes. Yesterday was a good day.


Group date = lots of girls playing with Ben.

When did Sister Wives make a spin off?? …with non fat, non Utahian woman? Ok, that was mean. I’m so going to hell. WAIT! I’m Jew-“ish” we don’t believe in that. Fat girls, fat girls, fat girls!

Was that strange?

Again, where was I?

“Do a sexy dance?"

“Jog in slow motion”

Who’s asking these questions? And when did these kids turn into Charlie Sheen?

Interesting costumes. I’ve always wanted to dress up as a donkey on a first date. Gives me another excuse to be an ass. Not that I ever actually need one. To know me is to love me - ass and all. Literally and figuratively. Why do I always end up talking about myself? Maybe because it’s more interesting than this SHOW!

Just a thought.

(and when did I start doing stand up and writing in fragments?) I’ll make sure not to quit my day job.

Back to the high school musical. All I have to say to the girl in the leotard is thank God you didn’t have that burrito last night. #1980ballerinaoutfitshidesnothing.

Baaaaahhhh

What I learned: next time I kiss a prince; I shall kick up my leg and say hee-haw afterward. Ups my chance of getting a rose. Or a kick in the ass. Either way I’d be going home with some sort of action.

(I can’t help myself tonight)

Deep thoughts:
Blakeley looks like she’s 45.
She’s a VIP cocktail waitress.
Sounds fishy.
By any chance is there some sort of “back room” involved in this VIPish thing you are doing Ms. Doubtfire?


Emergency evacuation plan:
When on a date ALWAYS and I mean always go sit on a public toilet, in a nice dress, and bitch about the other girls hitting on Ben. Hope the gonorrhea didn’t jump up into your dress contestant #13903940434.

And since we’re on the subject, did you not learn to hover over the toilet like a metal detector looking for gold? I would have guessed that you were good at that. My bad.

Enter Chicken fights in bikinis. You don’t say…

Let’s get to the point here, I really just want to know if they have a traveling spray tan lady with them at all times? Just wondering if it’s like the mobile pet grooming camper but for humans. Orange humans that is.

Yay, speaking of orange…orange girl and Ben in the kiddie pool. So awkward with the small talk just shut up and kiss her already. Oops, I spy bubbles!

“Even our kisses echo, should we be quiet?” (giggles)

No. We have nothing to say to each other. Let’s just kiss and pass the time until Blakeley hunts me down again.
Ok.

And here we have it folks
Blakeley: “Being a scoripio…” – Ding ding ding, winner winner chicken dinner (sorry Lissa, gotta go there). She said it. The magic Scorpio word is Intensity. Btw Ben, she will seriously go out of her way to kill you if you piss her off. Don’t say I didn’t warn you...

Orange girl, why are you crying? Are you shocked other girls are trying to make out with him?
I wish someone told you that you were actually going on a dating show...instead of a...dating show...

(Crickets in background……)

I have to say something, I don’t know if it’s Ben’s new haircut (quarter inch snipped off his goldie locks and a hard core Kardashian middle part) but his nostrils aren’t flaring “as much” as I remember. Today is a good day.

And the rose goes to...Blakeley, Miss Scorpio – hell yeah he wants to keep her around. I think he knows most Scorpios think about sex. a lot.

Come on...his daddy didn’t raise no foo’

Orange girl, stop crying. Get some self esteem. Borrow it from…ummm…ummmm…..well go to the nearest ummmmm…mobile spray tan facility? Bring some for the other wives too.


One on One date with Courtney:

I know this sounds bad because I really do believe in karma but...It would have made my day if that dog would have pooped on her in the car.

Doggy does doodie on dumbass ditz.

...And the award for the fakest smile, laugh, and most medicated Bachelorette in history of bachelor histories? Huh? Goes to...Courtney! Please lay off the Valium Debbie downer, I prefer to watch crazy dramatic bitches. It’s no fun when you’re under the care of Dr. Drew.

Anyone notice that the minute Benny started talking about his life, she got a glazed over look in her eyes? Just saying. Courtney baby don’t give a sheeeeaaaat about Ben and his life story.

“Smart, witty, drop dead gorgeous.” Hmmm big boy B….are you imagining things because I missed the smart and witty part… Maybe pretty, but her lack of luster is seriously taking points away by the second.

Going, going, gone..

The only thing I will give her props for is that she doesn’t have a full metal jacket of makeup on like the rest of the sister wives.

“Is this too good to be true?”
Poor Ben, please take your rose colored glasses off. I know that you might have not been able to get a hot girl like her before this amazing rose ceremony of a show but you’re killing me dude. She’s gonna dump you the minute the show is over. Call me.

“...and I found underwear in the bed.” Hmmmm, now...I’m not saying I’m psychic BUT I think it’s the douchie LA guys that you’re dating.

Did she just lean over to kiss him, but stopped half way with her lips pursed and eyes closed. I wish he would have walked away so we could have watched her in that pose for an awkward amount of time. I just put a bag over my head for her. So embarrassed. I thought models knew how to kiss. You’re killing me Larry.

Guess what Ben? Again, my psychicness tells me that a wanna be 20 something yr old model from LA is NOT gonna (read: not) move to Sonoma, stomp on grapes, model in elementary school plays, and howl at the moon with your dog who should have pooped on her. I on the other hand will be more than happy to do all of the above. (Except the pooping part). Please feel free to inquire within.


Rose ceremony:

Hold up: Who/what the heck is that green glitter frog/turtle/ lady? How did she get in?
Cue turtle backpack turtle spin.

“I feel like a guy, I’m not like a girl.” Good thing to say when you are on a dating show…for a guy…who wants a girl. But Big B, we do have a drag queen if that is more your style. Please refer to the green glittery turtle frog thing mentioned above.

(Bright) red flag #1: girl hiding in corner. Behind baggage. Key word: baggage.

Please accept the following list and comments as my way of remembering who the heck got a rose. Hard to keep all the girls straight when they all whine and cry. I can totally see why Ben wanted to do this show. What a great group of ladies.

Roses:

Jennifer - orange girl
Emily - not so memorable (yet?) Rose
Elyse - snookies tanner and taller cousin
Jaclyn. Ahhh attack of green monster. Oh wait, she IS from Massachusetts. I’m a genius. She is our new mascot.
Erica – Barneys little sister
Rachel – bangs
Lindsey – horse girl
Nicki – ummm not memorable (we’ll give her a yet for safe measure)
Casey S. emphasis on the S.
Sammantha, Monica, Jamie?? Who are all of you again?
Final rose – Brittney. Again, who?

Ps- love the “sweetness” in their voices when they accept the rose. Never mind they were just bitch slapping each other 5 minutes before. Crystal ball is telling me these ladies be bi-polar…….


Oh no Jenna is gonna blog and cry and cry and blog and blog and bob and cheech and chong.

Aaaaand she’s in shock? Hmmm yeah no clue why he sent you home.

NOOOO CLUE.

Oh poor Jenna, sweetie, I mean this in the nicest way possible but I think you have some serious emotional problems that need to be taken care of immediately. Esp before you date again. YES please do this now. Then send us a tweet that you are ok.

So, times are tough and they’re heading ALL THE WAY TOOOOOO...SF. Last time they spent all their time and money gallivanting around the world, but this time the big surprise is SF? Thank effing God I didn’t waste my time on this episode. Call me when we all go to Guam. So much more romantic.